Boy next door…
by Taintedvile
Summary: Edward Masen is the boy living next door... Bella has various names for Edward these days; but she no longer calls him friend. Depressed, angst filled teens; trying to cope without the love of a friend. Disclaimer - I own nothing Twilight. AH
1. Chapter 1 Tortured Soul

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

* * *

**~Chapter 1 - Tortured Soul**

* * *

.

.

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset  
She's going off about something that you said  
She doesn't get your humor like I do

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night  
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like  
And she'll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts  
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers  
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find  
That what you're lookin' for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you  
Been here all along so why can't you see?  
You belong with me  
You belong with me

Walkin' the streets with you in your worn out jeans  
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be  
Laughing on the park bench thinking' to myself  
Hey isn't this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town  
I haven't seen it in awhile, since she brought you down  
You say you find I know you better than that  
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers  
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers  
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find  
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you  
Been here all along so why can't you see?  
You belong with me

Standin' by, waiting at your back door  
All this time how could you not know that?  
You belong with me

(Taylor Swift -You belong with me)

.

.

* * *

I woke up today; accepting that the odds of finding my best friend again

were slim to none. It was awkward…

How do you go from spending all your days with someone

from the time you're seven, to not even being able to look them in the eye?

Simple; avoidance was easier than confrontation.

I didn't even know where to begin or what his emotional state was…

* * *

.

.

Edward Masen was my next door neighbor. He moved in with his family in the fall, the year I turned seven. We became fast friends in our small town; our friendship grew from convenience. He was there to comfort me greatly when my mother died, when I was ten. Her beautiful life claimed in a car wreck in the mid of winter. He was there for everything…

Edward and I used to periodically sleep over at the others house; that ended when we turned eleven. We were punished; merely because we were of the opposing gender. I managed to convince Charlie into letting me move into my mothers sewing room after months of his protest. My bedroom window faced Edward's. We spent a lot of long nights communicating through the glass, being silly…kids - while our parents slept.

He'd even managed to withstand puberty with me; with my hormones raging and my depression flaring; angry that my mother wasn't there to guide me. Instead my father Charlie delivered pamphlets, and a variety of menstruation pads; with an apology. He couldn't ever fill the void of my mother; but he sure did try… Edward was the shoulder I cried on; the glue that held my life together when everything was coming apart at the seams.

We'd shared many dinners at the Masen home since my mothers passing. Elizabeth; Edward's mother, insisted. Charlie was entirely lost in the kitchen. I'm sure she saw the smoke signals billowing from our kitchen windows. Charlie could ruin a frozen pizza….

Edward lost his father to cancer the summer before our junior year in high school… His parents waited to tell him; when they couldn't hide his illness any longer. We started drifting apart before his father passed. Edward was staying in more often… Making the most of what little time they had left; clinging to the life that remained. I never had the opportunity to really say goodbye to my mother, I understood. I couldn't even recall if I told my mother I loved her that morning…

I wanted to return the favor; be his rock, as he had been mine. I just didn't know what to say. He was so broken; lost. It was devastating, I didn't know how to cope with death; Edward had always been my strength. He did all the coping for me, while I tried not to think about it. Thinking about it only drove me crazy… I had my mothers face memorized from photograph, but I couldn't recall her voice clearly. Everyday I was losing the memories of my mother, little by little…no matter how hard I tried to hold on. It was easier to ignore it, push forward - even if only to pretend everything would be okay.

That was the beginning of the end… Edward stopped coming out, started closing his blinds; crawling deeper into the dark. Eventually he stopped coming down for dinner, not that he said much on the rare occasion he did decide to join us.

I don't even remember who stopped talking to who. It was a comfortable silence that grew awkward; we drifted apart. I stopped going to dinner because Charlie always brought home leftovers…and I didn't have to tell anyone about my day; nor feel like the third wheel.

School was boring. I'd depended on Edward for so long, that I'd only really had him…and Alice. Alice was already best friends with Rosalie. I would always come second. Toward the end of senior year, we were more like acquaintances; Alice and Rosalie were dating boys… While I stayed home and studied; absentmindedly watching Edward's window for any signs of life.

.

.

* * *

Edward and I had married several times in my backyard over the years;

before what was once my mothers beautiful rose garden.

As the years passed by they withered away

- _just like childhood fantasy_…

* * *

.

.

I hadn't failed to notice Edward transforming from gawky boy into a handsome man. It kept me perched near my bedroom window… For glimpses of that deliciously teasing shadow behind closed blinds, before Edward would kill the lights each night. He never looked out the window anymore; it was as if I failed to exist any longer. Shifting his gaze away if he'd ever met mine in the halls at school; pretending he hadn't noticed me. Still; I clung to hope, that I'd look out and find my best friend again…

That hope diminished when he started dating Tanya. She was popular for all the wrong reasons. Known for sleeping her way up the social ladder, countless fights; bitchy tramp. I never expected she would be the type of girl he would go for… Nor did I expect Edward to be the type she would prey upon, or that he'd ever allow it. Least the Edward I knew wouldn't… _Replace me._

Edward went from well dressed to grungy… He let his hair grow out a little and even with his worn band t-shirts, stained ripped jeans, and greasy looking hair - he was still entirely captivating. He'd taken up smoking; which gave me a tiny view inside his world again. He'd often forget to close the blinds after he'd open his window. If his mother was home, I could sometimes spot him on the side of the house; smoking near the trash bins. As much as I wanted to blame Tanya for all of the changes; I couldn't deny Edward had spiraled downward in his own time.

Like my mothers memory, I was starting to forget Edward. I couldn't remember what his smile looked like without digging out photos. Not even Tanya could make him smile…

I hated myself for letting our friendship slip to the wayside. He always appeared so angry; I couldn't bring myself to confront him. Too much time had passed; it was too late.

.

.

* * *

_Today I realize; I have nothing… _

I was just as reclusive as Edward; who the hell was I kidding?

* * *

.

.

I cried; tears of sorrow; worthless expression. I never found peace, relief, or comfort in the countless tears I cried. I begged, pleaded, and prayed…until I grew tired of crying or simply couldn't cry anymore.

I wiped away the useless tears; replacing my mothers photo back on the table beside the chair in my room, taking care as I settled the frame. When I'd caught the light from Edward's window screaming at me from the corner of my eye; my gaze drifted over to settle on his window…

Edward…Staring out the window with tears in his eyes. When our gaze met, I watched him snuff out his tears on his sleeve before standing to quickly lower the blinds on his window. I didn't know if he was watching me; or for how long. I only knew that his pain mirrored my own…

I taped a note to my window…something I hadn't done since our sophomore year. That read; call me.

Either Edward never looked out his window again; or simply decided not to call. I left the note up for three days…

.

.

* * *

_Waiting; on a call that wouldn't come. _

* * *

.

.

Final semester started today. I couldn't even remember what classes I picked; there was a line a block long at the office as most waited for copies of their new schedules. Why the fuck did I bother getting out of bed today? To think; I thought going to school would be easier then feigning illness and dealing with Charlie.

The line moved at a snails pace, the bell rang; my first tardy for the day… _Lovely_.

By the time I made it to the front of the line to receive my schedule…I wanted the day to end. Biology first period; with Kudla. He was a prick and I wasn't too fond of biology. He'd failed me last year…

"Miss. Swan, the next time you're tardy you'll be spending the hour in the dean's office." Kudla made an example of me, aloud before the class - before directing me with a pointed finger to toward an empty lab table. I dropped in the vacant seat, tossing my pile of books in front of me on the table.

"Masen, you're late. Next time you'll be spending the hour with the dean. Have a seat there next to your partner in crime..." Kudla's finger came darting out toward me. Oh dear fucking god; Edward was going to be my biology partner. I popped a few Lexapro from the pocket of my hooded sweatshirt; chewing before swallowing the bitter pills dry. It was a far cry from the amount of medication I would need to cope with this class, Edward…

Edward took the seat beside me, piling his books before him; he rest his head on the table in preparation for what appeared to be a nap. Kudla handed out a few worksheets and described to us in detail what the semester would entail. Mostly we discussed the rules of his classroom. Kudla was more of a corrections officer than a teacher; with a list of offenses three pages long…

The bell rang; I glanced at my schedule - realizing I had a study hall period next. I decided to head down to the office. To try to weasel my way out of taking biology and see if any other classes were available. I needed this credit, if Kudla failed me again; I wouldn't graduate. I needed a back up plan to guarantee I'd walk with my class…

Edward was gone by the time I looked up from my schedule. Apparently he had the same ideals I had. He was already arguing in the office; apparently he needed a science and all of the other classes were full. I waited behind him - sinking my teeth so hard into my bottom lip, I'd almost drawn blood. So much for getting out of biology… Edward glared at me on his way out of the office. In that moment, I hated him. I tried to fill my vacant period, all that was left was art; which I sucked at. I took it; it was better than nothing…

When I walked into my new second period art class; Miss. Davis looked over my edited schedule and signed me into her attendance book before assigning me a seat toward the front. Just my luck that Edward and Tanya were taking the same class, huddled up in the back of the class. At least I didn't have to fucking look at him… I listened to Miss. Davis explain the color wheel and blending colors. When she handed out construction paper, I had no idea what the hell we were doing…. I sat there in silence for ten minutes before she'd noticed I'd failed to start the project. She was too nice, coming over and basically doing the cutting for me as she explained that we were making charts for our own reference.

"Does she not know how to use scissors…" I heard Tanya stifling her laughter from the back of the class. Edward remained silent. I didn't give a fuck…I waited, counting down the minutes until the bell finally rang.

Biology, Art, English…

Then lunch….with Edward again. I took off my hooded sweatshirt and rolled it into a ball and slept through that period. Ignoring the banter of the lunch room that echoed.

Geometry, Home Economics, History, and then Gym.

.

.

* * *

My schedule sucked ass; mornings were hell…

* * *

.

.

I spent the next few weeks sitting in the back of the class in Biology; at the naughty table as Kudla liked to call it. If you broke any of his one-hundred and fifty-four golden rules, you'd be sent to sit at the back of the class for the period. What made it more amusing was that he sent all of the misbehaving students to sit back there together. Really…Kudla wasn't the brightest crayon in the box.

My lab partners varied from day to day; some days I worked solo - being the only unruly student that period. Edward started sleeping less and actually participated in class when he wasn't forced to sit beside me. I didn't even have to work hard to get removed, usually Kudla was sending me to the back of the class before I could even open my mouth. He'd pegged me as a trouble maker, I'm sure he remembered me from last year; it seemed to make Edward comfortable… I was still trying to make sense of Edward's complete rejection of me.

My plan failed the day Edward was sent to the naughty table. He was quiet every other goddamn day, what was so fucking different about today? I wanted the floor to swallow me whole…. I slid my books over so Edward would have room to sit and resumed ignoring him, just as he'd always ignored me. Today we were watching a slide show on cells. The lights went out and Kudla began talking as images lit up over the white screen that was pulled down over the blackboard.

"….the process of mitosis that divides the duplicated genetic material creating two identical daughter cells.." I propped my head up on my palm, watching the various colors of cells flicker over the screen. Kudla would pause the slides to move up to the board and point out the various cell components..

"What the fuck is your problem?" Edward hissed under his breath beside me…

"He speaks…" Rolled off my tongue; hardly amused.

"You treat me like I have the plague for nearly a year…and that's all you can say." He scowled under his breath.

"It's not like you've had much to say either…" I retorted.

"You know that's not what happened."

"Then what happened Edward…"

"This…this right here." He seethed; angry.

"Since when did you become so mature?" I asked, bitchy. I don't know how I expected the silence to break. Never had either of us been so bitter toward each other…

"Do you have something you'd like to share with the class?" Kudla rose his voice. All heads shifted, following his attention to rest on Edward and I.

"No.." Edward stated boldly.

"…and you?" Kudla called me out with a pointed finger.

"Are you wearing your wife's sweater again? …I think we had this discussion last week…" I mused aloud… The class burst into a fit of quiet muffled chuckles.

"Swan; take it out in the hall…" Kudla quipped.

"My pleasure…" I grabbed my stack of books from the desk, forcing a smile; I left class to sit near the lockers on the stained carpeted floor. Kudla had a three strike rule, now I just needed to shut the fuck up and sit quietly. As long as I didn't end up in the dean's office, Charlie would never know…

.

.

* * *

_I've had my chances and I've taken them all…_

_Just to end up right back here on the floor…_

_To end up right back here on the floor…_

* * *

.

.

The bell rang; I collected my things before pulling myself up from the floor. Idly wandering down the hall through the weave of traffic spilling forth from classrooms…my thoughts consumed with everything Edward. Trying to replay the silence…to find the exact point where it all went wrong. Edward blamed me…

I had barely registered the hand gripping my arm, before I was swung through the door of the brown painted exit. The black lettering had faded poorly, but figuratively it made more sense. If you went out this door before school let out; you'd be in some shit, because it locked. Security would catch up with you before you made it back to the other side of the building. I'd only tried to ditch four times unsuccessfully. These days I typically feigned illness to get a pass from the nurse… I watched the door slam closed behind…

"Fuck; Edward…just great, now they're going to call Charlie…"

"I used to be that exception. You didn't care much about consequence then."

"Back then I called you friend…" I clutched tight to my books as if they could possibly shield me.

"Now?" He hissed, throwing his hand back; releasing my arm. He propped himself against the locked door. My doom, I didn't like talking to Charlie much anymore. If anything I wanted more privacy.

.

.

* * *

_To dwell on everything that's wrong with life… _

_Imperfect fucking everything…_

* * *

.

.

"Tanya's boy-toy, elusive ass, silent prick, mostly…tortured soul."

"What the hell do you know?" He clenched his fists at his sides, so angry he was almost trembling.

"You stopped coming to dinner before I did." I retorted calmly.

"You never came to dinner. You were never really there…" His tone was bitter.

"I was there when you needed me…and when I was of no use to you; …you just fucking walked away." He hissed.

I didn't know what to say; just as speechless as the day Edward's father died.

"You're popping pills all the fucking time, crying; you never leave your damn room anymore." He shook his head at me as he counted out my flaws…

"You smoke, you cry, and I wouldn't consider going out for a few hours now and then to fuck Tanya anything special…" I retorted.

"I'm not fucking Tanya." He spoke, raking a hand through his messy hair as if it could tame it.

"Why are you with Tanya?" He laughed at my question.

"With Tanya I can be anyone but me…"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" He sounded so fucking stupid…

"I have a couple of truants at the south west gate, exit eight." Security called over the static of their PA. "Hold it right there…" The burly man ordered. I surrendered eagerly, waiting for him to unlock the door so I could take a trip to the dean's office.

"Meet me after school, come over?" Edward carried on…

"I'll be grounded, thanks." I entered the building, heading toward the office.

"Bella.." Edward followed behind, with security on his heels. I went into the office, taking a seat in one of the chairs neatly aligned just outside the dean's office. I'd seen him enough - that I should know him by name. However, all I could focus on was the clanking of bottles in his desk drawer anytime he looked for paperwork. It was quite amusing; receiving judgment from someone who fell off the wagon everyday.

"Edward…I have enough problems, as you've so kindly noted." I scowled.

"Isabella Swan.." The dean called my name…

"And Edward Masen…" Then it dawned on me; we were going in there together… Edward wore a smirk, practically skipping his ass into the office. I followed behind, consumed with dread. I took a seat in the chair beside Edward, lazily glancing at the dean. I wanted this day to be over…

"What brings you both to my office?" I always hated this part, it wasn't as if he didn't know - it was more of a creativity test.

"Bella thought if she could get me alone…" Edward shrugged. "I think she thought I'd make out with her…" _That fucking lying prick_..

"He is so full of shit…You pulled me through the door!" I hissed, angry. Edward was definitely creative…

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

**~End Chapter 1 - Tortured Soul**

Thanks for dropping by!


	2. Chapter 2 Tortured Saturdays

**"Boy next door…"**

**.**

**.**

**.**

* * *

**~Chapter 2 - Tortured Saturdays**

* * *

.

.

_10 Things I Hate About You…_

_I hate the way you talk to me, _

_And the way you cut your hair._

_I hate the way you drive my car, _

_I hate it when you stare. _

_I hate your big dumb combat boots _

_And the way you read my mind. _

_I hate you so much it makes me sick,_

_It even makes me rhyme. _

_I hate the way you're always right, _

_I hate it when you lie. _

_I hate it when you make me laugh,_

_Even worse when you make me cry _

_I hate it when you're not around, _

_And the fact that you didn't call _

_But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, _

_Not even close…_

_Not even a little bit… _

_Not even at all._

.

.

The familiar clank of bottles rattled as….Mr. Rucszkowvski, searched for our files. I'd noted from the name plate on his desk; no wonder I couldn't ever remember his name. I still couldn't figure out how to pronounce it.

It became a battle of he said, she said. We were both waiting to see what was behind door number one….what was our prize?

"Can I go to the nurse, I think I'm going to be sick.." I rose from my seat, hoping to be excused. Maybe there was a God after all?

"Have a seat. It's been awhile since I've seen you both in here together." Mr. R commented as he read over his files. He might have been a drunk; but he was most certainly a professional about it. I dropped my books to the floor before I plopped back into the chair, slapping my hands against the armrests.

"I'd almost forgotten how much fun you two are…Signs posted on all of the exits - please use other exit. Dry ice in the toilets and urinals. For sale signs on staff and faculty vehicles. Snickers candy bar in the pool…"

"I was going to eat that; it slipped from my hand!" Edward blurted. Mr. R…glanced up at Edward momentarily before glancing back over the pages before him.

"Let's see…truancies, fighting, smoking on school property, informing the marching band - practice was cancelled…" He shook his head as he flipped through the pages.

"I was praised for that one…" I grinned…

"Sorry I missed it…" Edward apologized; he was acting weird.

"They needed practice…" Mr. R admitted. We all shared a very brief laugh.

"So what's the joke?" Mr. R asked, closing our files; before he leaned over them.

"Joke?" Edward asked. We all looked at each other, shifty eyed….

"Don't play dumb; what were you going to do out there?" Mr. R had already made up his mind that the joke were on him apparently.

"Nothing…" Edward spoke with a shrug.

"Nothing?" Mr. R looked at me like I had a fucking clue…

"Nothing." I admitted.

"Well…let's see what nothing gets you…" He began scribbling out what our punishment would be…checking his calendar twice over before handing us copies of his handiwork.

.

.

* * *

_Creativity…_

_Nothing gifted us…_

_Saturday Detention_

_Not one - but Fourteen!_

* * *

.

.

"This is…like every Saturday until the end of the semester." I huffed…_un-fucking believable_…

"Exactly, it's senior year. I intend to keep my eye on you two….and I better not find anything on my car when I leave here today."

"Pfft…" Edward exhaled sharply before storming out of the office. I dragged ass behind, glancing at the clock on the wall to see where I was supposed to be. Fuck, art period wasn't over yet. I'd have morning detention for the next fourteen Saturdays and I didn't even get to miss one fucking class…

I waited to hand Miss. Davis my pass. She took mine when she'd finished looking over Edwards and instructed us both to take our seats. We apparently missed the tutorial on creating pottery by coiling. I looked around to get ideas of the process, before I rolled up my sleeves and began rolling out clay.

It wasn't long before we were instructed to put our projects on the shelf, just before the bell rang.

"I thought you weren't friends with her anymore." Tanya squealed, snippy with Edward as they paced down the hall…

.

.

* * *

So much for Edward being anyone but him; when he was with Tanya.

She knew my business, our business…

_Betrayal at its finest_…

* * *

.

.

I sat at the kitchen table for a change in scenery… Edward made me sound so damn predictable…I wouldn't let him distract me. I didn't know how I was going to break the news to my dad. I figured if I completed all of my homework; he might be more forgiving…

Maybe Mr. R had called him at work….then he'd have a good amount of time to rationalize, or stew…_Shit!_

I was already pretty sure I'd fail Biology again. I forgot to get a copy of the assignment; and I knew Kudla gave homework everyday…

I finished a worksheet for Geometry. Read a chapter from my history book and answered a few questions on World War II. My English teacher, Mr. Brown; was a little too lose for my liking. He wanted us to write a poem…about anything; just to see where we all were. He wanted us to basically help him plan out the rest of his lesson. I hated when shit wasn't planned and I actually had to use my own ideas. It made it easier to fail; not knowing what he expected.

I knew I should get an early start…but I hadn't a clue where to begin. Maybe I'd write about World War II, just so I'd have a head start on a future History _poem_ report? Alright, maybe not…

.

.

* * *

_Charlie didn't know what to do with me…_

_Grounded until further notice._

_It wasn't as if I'd had anywhere to be…_

* * *

.

.

I went up to my room, slinging my stack of books into the corner on the floor beside my bed. It would thud right above Charlie's head, I hoped he felt guilty…It had often worked to my advantage in the past. At least he wouldn't bother me for a few hours. I threw myself over the bed, to stare at the faded plastic star pattern adhered to the ceiling. Some had fallen over the years; but most clung in their hideous glory. A few even managed to still glow in the dark.

"Bella, I'm going next door." Charlie huffed from the stairway, moments later I heard the front door closing behind him. My antics confused him; I'd made him feel insignificant, because he would never be my mother… I'd like to pretend that my mother would laugh about things like this. She never did over-react like my father; and he'd only become more protective since her passing.

I still didn't know what to say to Edward to defend myself. I had nothing positive to say. If he wanted truth; I could give him bitterness, but I wouldn't sugar-coat it with words that meant shit. His father wasn't coming home, nor was my mother. No amount of pity, sympathy, or pills; can mend what has been broken and lost. What the fuck did he want me to say? At least you got to spend time more with him. I'm sorry, I know - it sucks ass…

.

.

* * *

_A light flickered in the distance… _

_A signal; fading in and out _

_from the end of the bleak tunnel…_

* * *

.

.

I rolled over to peer out my window from the edge of the bed. Edward was turning his lights on and off, squatting near the light switch as he peered out his window…into mine; to see if he'd managed to catch my attention. He looked ridiculous. I almost smiled; the beautiful memories of our faded friendship stung like jagged pieces of glass against my skin.

I crawled over to turn on the lamp beside my bed. By the time I looked out the window again, Edward was already pressed against his open window.

When he raised up his pad of notebook paper; I was conflicted with wanting to love and hate him all at once.

_How many weeks? -_He'd scrawled in his messy pen. I slid off the bed, grabbing a notebook and a purple marker from my desk; I seated myself in the chair beside my window. Flipping through the notebook to find an empty page; I replied.

_Until further notice… Forever? _-My pen was worse than his.

_Bummer_ - This was lame…

_Yeah… _- I nodded, closing my notebook.

_Call me _-Edward shook his notebook in front of the glass. I flipped to find another empty page…

_I'm grounded _-I held my sign up to the window. Edward held up a finger, begging me to wait as he wrote quickly.

_Yeah so call me _- I almost laughed.

_Charlie is over _- I posted.

_Come to dinner? _- I shook my head as I wrote on the bottom of my last note.

_No! - _Yeah the four of us in the same room after a bad day at school, was he fucking insane?

_You hate me? _-I didn't know how to reply.

_Make-out with you? _-I scribbled on a clean sheet of paper; before holding it up to the window. Edward smiled.

_I wouldn't have minded _- Was his reply, I didn't know what the hell to say…

.

.

* * *

_Better a broken promise…_

_Than none at all?_

_He couldn't say that shit to me…_

…_if he didn't mean it…_

* * *

.

.

_See you tomorrow _- I held up my note, lowering the blinds before Edward could reply.

I was a bundle of energy by the time I closed up my notebook, shoving it with the purple marker back into my over-stuffed desk drawer. My room was clean, immaculate; as long as you didn't open any drawers or doors.

I wasn't sure I could be Edward's friend. In the back of my mind I always figured if we'd finally worked it out; things would just go back to how they were. There was an awkward tension and I wasn't sure that would ever completely fade.

Saturday detention was held from nine in the morning until eleven; last year. This year they made sure it was miserable. I dragged ass out of bed at around six-forty, ran my hands through my hair before slipping on my sneakers and heading down the stairs. I reached for the keys to my truck, only to find they were gone.

"Dad…?" I peeked my head in and out of rooms to find him, only to spot his car running in the drive. I threw my arms into my hooded jacket, before racing out the door.

"Where are my keys? I'm going to be late." …and then he gave me look; one of those I'm disappointed in you and we're going to have a talk looks. _Fuck, it was too early for this shit. _

"Get in.." Charlie had already climbed in by the time I made it around to the passenger door. I didn't say anything, merely waited _for the talk_.

"No car until after graduation"

"But.." I tried to protest, was this really happening?

"If you don't want to ride with me, you better find your own ride." This was ridiculous, I had my own ride parked in the drive…

"…and you're going to dinner tonight." I gritted my teeth, rolling my eyes practically into the back of my head. _Fuck, are you done yet?_

"We'll talk more about this later…" ..and Charlie's squad car rolled to a stop in front of the cafeteria doors. I was too angry to speak, all of this for a fucking truancy. The last few times he'd only grounded me for a week. I couldn't get out of the car fast enough…

.

.

* * *

_I felt so out of place…_

_Tied to a world in which I didn't belong; _

_Alone…_

* * *

.

.

White t-shirt, clean. Faded blue flannel pajama bottoms, comfy. Seriously, some of these people had to get up at like five in the morning to primp this well for a fucking Saturday detention…

I signed in with Mr. Johnson before taking a seat at a cafeteria table. Mr. Johnson was the football coach, probably the only staff member they could get to come in at seven in the morning on a Saturday. I'd spend the next two hours of my life watching him flip through the sports section of the newspaper.

Edward had barely made it in on time. I watched him sign in, glance at the clock and turn in my direction. Our eyes locked, I knew he saw me. He walked right past, sitting two tables behind me to my left.

Everything within me froze. I sank my teeth into my bottom lip for some reprieve from the confusion, hurt. Edward had taken back every bit of hope he gave to me yesterday.

I reached for my prescription, shaking a few pills into my palm under the table before devouring them with an anxious need. I chewed the bitter pills as I fought not to cry. No, I wasn't going to cry… I was too fucking angry and bitter to ever give Edward Masen the satisfaction of seeing me cry again.

It was always interesting to see those that arrived late. All that effort for nothing, they'd be turned away to be given even more Saturday detentions. It gave me an idea of who we might be seeing again next week. _Only thirteen more Saturdays with Edward…_

I borrowed a few sheets of paper and a pen and decided to work on my poem for English. I couldn't get Edward out of my head. It didn't help that anytime I looked back I caught his gaze; only for him to quickly lower his head or divert his attention. _Prick_…

It felt like time stood still for the first hour. We were all given a chance to use the restroom and stretch. I went to the bathroom, to escape the faces of the crowd; if only for a few minutes.

It wasn't worth running into Edward in the hall.

"Bella…" His expression was almost as dumbfounded as mine had been earlier; he was lost for words. And then it all sank in…I finally fucking got it.

"Yeah, I get it…" I blurted, nodding nervously…before I'd mustered the strength to walk away.

I crawled into bed for a good cry as soon as I got home. It was stupid of me to think that Edward would ever let his two worlds collide. He would choose a dozen insignificant shallow friends over me.

.

.

* * *

_Yeah, don't be seen with the crazy girl Edward…you're finally past all that._

_Reality dims; demons come and chase me…_

_Chase me into myself…_

* * *

.

.

"So…how was your day?" Elizabeth Masen asked nobody in particular as she set out a basket of rolls on the table.

"It was Saturday detention…" Edward mused aloud.

"Work was slow…You had Saturday detention too?" My father asked casually.

I kept my head low, gazing into my plate as if my pile of peas would have all the answers I'd need. I couldn't look at Edward.

"Bella has Saturday detention…for awhile." Charlie blurted between bites of chicken.

"What a coincidence…" Elizabeth replied. It was obvious to me that she talked to Edward.

"Maybe Edward could give Bella a ride.." Charlie noted, breaking into his dinner roll from the corner of my eye. A great part of me questioned if this entire conversation had been organized by our parents…

"I'll walk, thanks." I huffed, this is why I hated dinner. Everyone talked about me in third party as if I wasn't even there.

"I wouldn't mind." Edward spoke, I had been over analyzing his every word and action since this morning. I wasn't sure if his statement were forced or sincere.

"That's okay, I mean…I wouldn't want to be seen with a stupid shiny Volvo owner anyway." I retorted quickly.

"Bella…" My father spoke, warning in his voice. Looking at me as if I'd grown a second head and he didn't know me…

"May I be excused?" I asked, trying to conceal the venom that laced on the edge of my tongue.

"Yes." Elizabeth responded.

"No." Charlie blurted.I folded my hands in my lap and continued to stare down at my plate with a lingering sigh. Edward kicked me under the table. When my eyes raised he wore a… satisfied smirk?

"Fine…" Charlie spoke in a long exhale, almost a sigh.

"Edward, walk Bella home…it's dark." Elizabeth waved Edward up; excusing him from the table. I rose from my seat faster than Edward.

"I'll be fine, I can make it next door." I turned to leave, not waiting on Edward to be noble at his mother's request.

Edward began calling my name to wait up as I stumbled in the darkness toward the light glowing from my front porch.

"Bella…" I opened the door, swinging it closed quickly behind me. I hadn't expected Edward to knock before I'd even made it to the stairs. I paused, considered ignoring it.

"You should lock your door…" Edward mused aloud as he pushed the door open, stepping inside…

"Yeah, I'll remember that..." I stammered, shaking my head. Edward always made me so damn flustered lately. I went up to my room, figuring Edward would know how to show himself out.

"Some things never change…" Edward mused aloud…

"Do you remember when we spent two days sticking all those stars up." Edward glanced over our faded handiwork.

"I'm not allowed to have boys in my room." I'd backed myself up until I'd ended up sitting on my bed. Edward raised his hands, slowly backing out of the room he stood in the hall, just outside the open door way. _My excuse to get him to leave was lame. _

"Since when have you had boys in your room?" Edward blurted, laughing softly… _He wasn't leaving…_I should have told him to get the fuck out; but a part of me was curious to hear what he had to say…

"Since when do you care?" I retorted quickly. Edward's amused expression faltered; I'd reminded him he didn't know who I was anymore either. We thought we knew - knew each other inside and out. We were kidding ourselves…

"I told you about Tanya…" He shrugged, everything about the conversation was awkward.

"Who doesn't know about Tanya…" I laughed softly. I still couldn't believe he had fallen for Tanya… Tanya!

"Mmm…" Edward hummed, gently shaking his head.

"Jacob." I admitted calmly.

"Jacob? Really?" Edward's anxious reaction confused me entirely…

"It was summer, summer is long over…" I admitted. Jacob had played the third wheel in our friendship for a few summers. It was different having him as my focus for an entire summer. We had fun, but he wasn't Edward…

"I don't remember much of summer…" Edward admitted wryly. His entire demeanor shifted; nervous.

.

.

* * *

_Reminded… _

_of the lanky awkward boy_

_Who'd pressed his soft lips to mine…_

…_once upon a time._

* * *

.

.

Edward raised a hand; mimicking that same fascinatingly awkward gesture with his eyebrows before he'd…excused himself? I had barely caught sight of the top of his head as he rounded the banister; to quickly shuffle down the staircase.

Moments later the door bell had rang twice, quickly. And then a third time as I rounded the stairs. Great, now Charlie would be annoyed at me for locking the door; when he forgot his key. Thanks Edward…

Unlocking the door, I tore it open…

"Bella, why can't we be friends?" Edward blurted, almost shouting. I didn't even know what to say; I was so fucking confused…

"Stupid shiny Volvo owner, really?" Hearing him say it; I couldn't help but laugh.

"You want a hug?" My laughter had faded. I realized how easy it was to let myself fall into old times with Edward; forgetting how harsh the sting of reality were.

"I do…" Edward laughed softly. We'd often tease each other and play hug, only to push the other away. Just this time nobody was pushing…

Edward's embrace enveloped me; swallowing my tiny frame in his arms. A warm hug that melted all of the tension raging inside; except for the awkwardness of the moment. We hugged for what seemed like awhile before a mutual break occurred. We both slowly pulled away. I expected Edward to say something, make a joke…

I certainly didn't expect his mouth to come crashing onto mine. Confused, I fought against the tug of his anxiously roaming lips as he raised his hands to cup my face…

I'm kissing Edward…. Kissing, as in a really fucking…It wasn't a peck from the lanky awkward…boy.

"Edward…" I breathed; gasping as his lips traveled across my jaw, on a mission toward my neck as we leaned against the open door. _What the hell were we doing?!_

"Bella…" Edward abruptly stopped the minute my name fled his lips; he'd come to his senses… His expression; that same deer in the headlights look he gave me anytime he met my gaze in public.

"I'm sorry…" Edward mumbled, before he stormed clumsily toward his house. Tripping up the third step before he'd made it onto his porch. He looked back before quickly closing his door.

My lips were swollen; trembling with the vibrating warm reminder of Edward's kiss.

I had hardly slept; confused… Edward was home, the lights were on; still he hadn't raised his blinds. At one point I thought I caught his shadow pacing; but he must have been getting ready for bed…the light in his room died out not long after.

All of my questions were answered by Monday morning. Edward hesitated; which made it painfully obvious he saw me…before he'd sped up to drive on by as I walked to school.

I didn't feel so well; nervous energy had shifted to complete nausea. I went home to find relief from Edward's presence, I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him for three periods. _Fuck my life…_

About two hours had passed before Charlie's voice had come over the answering machine; to inform me we'd be having that talk later… _Fuck my life…_

An hour later, I thought I heard Charlie pull into the drive. I quickly cleaned up my soap opera crying marathon; flicking off the television before darting toward the stairs to the safety of my room where I could properly feign illness. Dropping my wad of used Kleenex on the nightstand; I quickly threw myself into my bed, covering myself.

….Just before; the doorbell rang?

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

**~End Chapter 2 - Tortured Saturdays**

Thanks for dropping by!


	3. Chapter 3 Tortured Friend

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

* * *

**~Chapter 3 - Tortured Friend**

* * *

.

.

_So I'm kind a like,_

_waiting,_

_staying here just,_

_killing time_

_And I'm ready for this because I,_

_I want you to let you know,_

_that I'm,_

_still around._

_Hoping that you would hear this,_

_and let you know,_

_that this is written only,_

_only for you._

_I was wondering if you still know that eh,_

_that we're in it,_

_that were in it for life._

_I feel different now ok._

_please, well,_

_I am still around._

_You know that right._

_Sometimes I got the feeling that you don't._

_I got the feeling that you don't_

_Sometimes,_

_I got the feeling that you can't._

_I know I let you down,_

_But then I knew,_

_I always would._

_some things feel better now,_

_But then I knew,_

_They always would._

_So don't you stay,_

_Oh don't just wait,_

_Oh don't you know,_

_I had to let you go._

_Still I miss your crazy warnings,_

_Like I knew I always would._

_I just want to let you know,_

_I've got a feeling that you're always here,_

_Always here._

_I just want to let you know..._

_(Kane - Crazy Warnings)_

.

.

I hopped out of bed and discreetly peered out my bedroom window. My heart was racing in my chest; entirely fucking paranoid. If I had any doubts that was Edward's Volvo parked outside, they were soon erased by the vision of Edward backing up from my porch; to gaze up at my window from the front lawn. I quickly moved away from the window, stumbled actually. I hadn't finished rubbing the soreness out of my thigh from where I'd collided with the corner of my dresser; when the phone began to ring.

_Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us…BEEP!_

It gave me a small laugh; I'd completely forgot I recorded that on Sunday…while I was waiting by the phone. Pathetic…

"Bella, Bella…I know you're home." Edwards voice echoed out into the hall from the answering machine. I crawled back into bed and pretended to ignore him. In the quiet of the day, I could hear Edward struggling to raise his window.

"I saw you…" _BEEP! _Even the answering machine knew when enough was enough; cutting Edward off.

"Bella…" Edward shouted from his window. I sank deep into my mattress, pulling the comforter over my head. I couldn't keep playing these games with Edward.

"You can't avoid me forever. I live next door…" I couldn't help but laugh; _maybe another year will do… _

.

.

* * *

_Pretending to hate him;_

_Was easier than trying to love him._

* * *

.

.

Edward threw shit at the side of my house and window until Charlie pulled into the drive. I listened as Charlie entered; tossing his keys on the table near the door.

"Bella…" I'd ignore him too. I wasn't having a talk, nor was I going to dinner next door. I heard him climbing the stairs, I counted down his steps to my door…closing my eyes, I hoped he'd go away. He knocked…

Leaving as quickly as he came when he found me sleeping; but not before leaving my door half cracked. I hated when he did that. The door could be open or closed, the half open irritated me. If I closed the door, he'd accuse me of shutting him out. If I opened it; he'd assume I wanted company. I was fucked either way; give me privacy or don't! _I'd rather not decide how to torture myself…_

Charlie left for dinner; right on time. I got out of bed to close my door. I needed to purge Edward from my life. I had him figured out entirely. I wasn't going to sit on standby while Edward rode out the final hurrah of being Tanya's boy-toy.

Forty-seven rumpled notebooks crammed into my desk drawers. A map to our buried treasure; as if we would ever forget where we buried it. Under the third stone; beside my garage.

I grabbed the stack of rumpled notebooks and took them down to the trash can. I'd almost had second thoughts; thinking I should burn them…I was satisfied with burying them in the trash can, under a bag of trash.

Edward had purged some of his collection as well. The flowerbed below my window was full of scrabble game tile pieces, marbles, tiny green army men, a few matchbox cars, erasers, dice, a few chewed pens. I even recognized the boot and horseman from Monopoly; along with an assortment of other miscellaneous crap I couldn't make out as night began to fall. He was going to be the one to clean that shit up…

.

.

* * *

_The secret of life should be a mystery. _

_Once you figure out it's all a big disappointment; you don't give a damn. _

* * *

.

.

"I saw you walking to school yesterday…but I didn't see you there." Edward ran to catch up… Playing it cool as if he weren't the same guy that threw shit at my window for six hours yesterday.

"Have you figured it out yet genius?" I asked, wearing my most serious expression I could muster given the circumstances. I continued to walk, not letting Edward falter my pace.

"Bella…" Edward's gaze faltered; shifting to the ground as he slowed his step to trail behind me.

"I didn't hear from you at all Sunday…I didn't know what to think." Edward threw out a lame excuse.

"Yeah, well the phone line connects both ways buddy. You weren't throwing shit at my window on Sunday." I called him out on his bullshit.

"All of this because I didn't give you a ride?" Edward scoffed as if I were being petty.

"What do you want me to say Edward?" I shook my head…

"That you'll be a friend…." He spoke, taking a few long strides to catch up at my side.

"Like Tanya?" I quipped.

"Why do you keep bringing up Tanya, it's not what you think; and it has nothing to do with….fuck." Edward stopped walking; but continued to hiss at my back.

"Why do you even bother with me? The silence I can tolerate; but quit fucking with me." I retorted, raising my voice.

Silence…when I'd mustered the courage to look back; Edward was gone. I felt a mix of relief and guilt…but mostly relief. Until Edward caught up with me in Biology…

"You're late…did you get a pass…" Kudla called Edward back before he could take his seat. I didn't hear Edward say anything before he left; I assumed he obviously didn't have a pass… I glanced over at the clock on the wall, only ten minutes of class left; I silently prayed Edward wouldn't make it back in time…But still couldn't help but wonder where the fuck he was for the past forty five minutes; probably fucking hanging on Tanya's tits.

I didn't worry too much about next period; Art. Tanya would be there and I would become invisible.

.

.

* * *

_What is essential to the heart…_

…_is invisible to the eye._

* * *

.

.

I headed to Art class…Dropping my books, I made myself busy - retrieving my coiling project. It was obvious by the mostly finished pieces I had fallen way behind. By the time I took a good look at it, I realized it would serve me better to start over and create a smaller piece. Trying to cling to a credit - I had to pass Biology or Art; currently it appeared as though I might fail both. _Fuck my life… _

"I don't want to talk about it." I could hear Edward growling from his work space; we all did. Miss. Davis abruptly circled in that direction of the class to see what the commotion was all about. I continued coiling…wrapping clay snakes over the new slab base I'd created for my pot…err vase.

By the time we were instructed to put our projects away; I realized I had little concept of time. I hauled ass to add a few more coils before I reluctantly put my project away as the bell rang…

I had barely made it to English class on time. We were reminded our poem projects were due this week…_Reminded I was falling further and further behind. _I hadn't written anything worth submitting. I flipped open my binder to write notes on what I'd missed…but was quicky distracted by the folded piece of notebook paper staring back at me…

Bella - was scrawled on the outside in Edward's pen… I quietly unfolded the note under my desk. When Mr. Brown caught me flustered; slack jawed I tried to remember what he'd just asked.

"Did you get the tips worksheet?" He repeated himself and I still had no idea what he was talking about.

"I'll take that as a no…" He released a light chuckle before leaving a worksheet on my desk….

Listen to criticism and try to learn from it, but don't live or die by it. When I was in college, I would always take my best reviewed poem from the previous class and submit it to the professor for the next class. Invariably, the next professor hated the poem, and could provide good reasons why it failed. -_I suppose my ideals of using my poem for History class later; are confirmed…null and void. _

Feel free to write a bad poem. -_Now you're speaking my language!_

That one perfect line in a thirty-line poem may be what makes it all worthwhile. It may also be what is ruining the rest of your poem. Keep an eye on it. _- Blah, blah, how the hell is this supposed to help me write? _

I forced a smile; it was the closest thing I could muster to settle in form of a thank you. I had given up on reading the rest of the writing pep-talk; the minute he stepped away.

Focused on the wrinkled map in my hands…that led to the third stone, beside my garage. Edward saw me… and went picking through my trash. My anxiety levels flared; I crumpled up the map and shoved it in my pocket as my hand fidgeted in search of my vial of medication.

.

.

* * *

_Reality is just a crutch…_

…_for people who can't cope with drugs…_

_I could hang…_

* * *

.

.

Edward sat across the lunchroom. I couldn't help but try and read him; his gaze bore into mine yet I couldn't register what was going on inside his head. Tanya chatted up his ear, everyone at the table was talking…Edward was staring. It didn't seem really awkward until Tanya met my gaze. She huffed something at the side of Edward's head before she left the table. The bell rang, barely startling life into me…

Three doses later and I was barely functioning. I couldn't even really remember the walk home; but I made it there. Just in time for a short nap…_just a small one…_

I didn't wake up until after nine thirty;…and by then I was paranoid. Charlie wasn't home; the door was locked so I assumed he went out… I spent a few moments collecting my thoughts before I settled into doing my homework.

An hour later and I had made progress. Finishing everything but my English assignment… I went searching for my prescription of Focalin; only to find my friends Paxil and Ambien in my dresser drawer. I went downstairs to check my jacket…and had an _ah-ha _moment when I came across the crumpled map. I threw on my jacket and rummaged deeper into the pockets…to find that Focalin was hanging with Lexapro. I swallowed a few smooth capsules dry as I wandered out to the trash can.

Raising the bag, I found that everything I threw away was gone… _Holy Fuck, I'd given Edward enough physical evidence to embarrass me for the rest of my god forsaken life…_

I dropped the trash bag back into the can, slamming the lid…

And then the sound of a lighter igniting echoed in the night.

The flame from the lighter lit up his face; Edward hung over his fence lazily like a scarecrow. I watched the cherry at the end of his cigarette dance in the night, long after the flame on his lighter was snuffed out.

"We don't have to talk about it…" He laughed…

"I said quit fucking with me; give it back!" I snarled in a highly irritable bitchy tone.

"I thought I did…Did you lose your map?" His laughter echoed in the darkness. I frantically kicked over the stone beside the drive, inadvertently moving closer to Edward…A stack of pages glowed in the dirt.

"This isn't all of it…" I exclaimed, reaching down to grab the pages.

"Sweet dreams…" The faint smell of alcohol lingered in the air…and by the time I looked up Edward was gone… I couldn't read for shit in the dark and decided to settle under my porch light.

_I love you _- First page; in Edward's pen

_I love you _- Second page; in mine

_Yeah? _- Third page; in his

_Like a brother _- Fourth page; in mine

_Cya tomorrow -_Fifth page; in his

_Night - _Sixth page; in mine

_Sweet dreams - _Seventh page; in his

Seven pages to mock me, what were we….thirteen? A part of me was impressed that Edward had managed to match up the pages of a conversation years old. _He saved everything too…_

Against my better judgment; I found myself knocking on his door…playing his game. Edward answered, green bottle of beer in hand… He'd peeled off the label; but the odor on his breath had given him away.

"Let me add drinking to your list of growing qualities…" I quipped.

"Did you know…" He tilted his head in the door frame, a serious expression marking his features…his brow even creased.

"You rattle when you walk…" His hand snaked out to pull at the front of my jacket; to further prove his point. I fucking rattled…

"I want my fucking shit back…" I focused. _ Thanks Focalin_!

"You threw it away." He retorted; tipping his bottle up to take a long swig.

"That can't be legal…" I retorted…and Edward's beautiful laugh filled my ears.

"Are you going to chase down the garbage man for your discarded property too?" Edward mused aloud, shaking his head…

"I'd pay good money to witness that; don't let me sleep in…" Edward leaned back, slowly pushing his door closed. I managed to stop it with my foot…

And then the bastard smiled…_I was almost completely over you; and then you had to go and fucking smile…_

.

.

* * *

_Smile; pretend you're not everything_

_I could love forever…_

* * *

.

.

"Why are you here?" He leaned his head against the cracked door…

"I've already told you; I want my shit." I reminded him.

"I understood that part…I suppose I'm just not comprehending why you would want something you threw away.."

"I want it back…" I demanded

"Are you admitting you were careless…" Edward stated calmly.

"What? Just give it back!" I hissed; tired of playing his games.

"Give me reason.." He retorted; following it up with a brief chuckle.

"I'm not comfortable with you having it." I tried to play it cool and calm…but spoke through nearly clenched teeth.

"We've both seen it all already." He spoke before taking another drink from his bottle.

"Where is your mother?" I asked, it clearly looked like nobody else was home.

"Bingo at the fire-station, with Charlie…Every Tuesday…" He furrowed his brows; disappointed?

"Don't give me that look, you're buzzed…" Edward laughed at my retort.

"How many pills do you take a day?" His expression fell completely blank as if he were trying to reflect some sort of compassion. If he really cared, he'd just give me my shit back.

"I know he comes over for dinner every night…and I don't care what he does after; better?" That was my excuse…It wasn't the pills; they made everything better… _Sometimes…_

"Why?" Edward asked, finishing off his beer…

"Why, what?" I asked, confused. Edward threw open the door and walked away…off toward the kitchen. I paused; but ultimately I went inside swinging the door shut behind me… Edward was opening another green bottle at the kitchen island; a Heineken.

"Well? Can I have my stuff back?" I asked calmly.

"You've been watching me…" He held out the bottle, offering it to me. I shook my head at his offer…

"So…and you stalk me." I waved the evidence in my hand… "Please, give me my stuff."

"I did…" He waved his bottle at the direction of the papers in my hand before he took a swig.

"There's more…" I grumbled…

"Correct. And…there's your reminder of what you threw away." He leaned over the counter, to thumb the pages in my hand…

"Edward…" I scolded, tired of the bullshit.

"Friend?" Edward tilted his head, pretending he'd heard me wrong.

"Fine…" I'd sell my soul before I'd riddle it with embarrassment.

"Great, meet you here after school. I'll even give you a ride…" He nodded…walking off toward the den, bottle in hand… I stopped at the front door.

"I'm grounded…" I reminded him.

"…And you need to pass Biology." He retorted, sinking into the couch he raised his feet to rest on the coffee table.

"I didn't pick up an art class to be closer to you." I admitted, truthfully…

"Yeah, I don't think anyone can help you there…" He laughed, picking up the remote he turned on the television. He was right and rude;…it pissed me off. I turned to leave, reaching for the handle on the door…

"…And you don't need all of those pills." Edward focused his full attention on me as I waited near the door.

"I'd suffocate without them…" I exhaled; pursing my lips together when I realized I'd said too much, made it too personal…I left.

It wasn't until I'd made it half way across my lawn that I realized I left empty handed; well not completely…

.

.

* * *

_You've been watching me,_

_Almost as often as I watch you… _

* * *

.

.

I didn't even start my English paper. Hypnotized by Edward's pen, staring at me from the top page of the papers in my hand…

I settled into my chair, trying to remember the night we exchanged these notes. It was something we never said; I remembered thinking he were being silly… I couldn't lie to myself any longer, I missed Edward. A friendship that lasts nearly a decade doesn't just fade over night… or in a year…

I raised the shade on my window…to let him back in. And was surprised to find Edward waiting for me. He held up a finger in motion for me to wait, moving to put his beer bottle down off to the side.

He had stacks of papers all over his bed. I caught on quickly that they were our dissected conversations. After he'd grabbed a stack and began playing them in the window…

_Come over? _- In Edward's pen…

_Yeah in a bit _- My reply…

_You better! _- He waved the paper in his pen; clumsily in the window.

_Or else? Haha! _- My reply…

_I'm coming over _- He smiled, holding up the final page. I couldn't remember when we had this conversation. It could have happened on any given day. The sloppy way the pen scattered on the page; aside from a few fancy letters… told me it was probably from the seventh or eighth grade… It was mildly amusing.

_I love you _- I held up the top page in his pen. Edward rose from the edge of the bed. I could swear he mouthed the word; fuck…It was interesting to watch him dance about the room before coming back with a towel from his bathroom.

Cleaning; while a finger raised to motion me to wait. He must have kicked over his beer… All the while shaking his head, laughing at himself… He sat back on the edge of his bed briefly before leaping back up. When he sat back down again, he was armed with his notebook and black sharpie marker.

_Like a brother? _-He'd scribbled out, his writing was horrific…I estimated he was probably drunk by now. Headlights flickered below as Charlie pulled into the drive. I flipped through the pages in my hand and held up another page.

_Sweet dreams _- In his pen…

_Kissing cousins? _- I'd almost laughed at his reply. I removed myself from the window, tucking the several pages Edward had given me inside a desk drawer… Charlie knocked just as I was closing up my books.

"I saw your light on…" Charlie admitted as he cracked the door. I was a shitty daughter; my father needed an excuse to see me.

"Yeah, I was just finishing up some homework. How was bingo?" I asked, making casual conversation.

"I never win.." He laughed nervously, I could tell he was taken back by my question. He cautiously stepped inside my room…and quickly spotted Edward through the window.

"Bella, keep your blinds closed at night." He scolded me, while giving Edward a friendly wave before he'd closed the blinds for me.

"I didn't realize it was open." I lied.

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

**~End Chapter 3 - Tortured Friend**

Thanks for dropping by!


	4. Chapter 4 Tortured Times

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

* * *

**~Chapter 4 - Tortured Times**

* * *

.

.

Remember when I took you  
Up to the top of the hill?  
We had our knives drawn.  
They were as sharp  
As we were in love.  
If god crossed us  
We'd take all his drugs,  
Burn his money  
And his house down,  
And wait for the fire to spread.  
But sometimes hate is not enough  
To turn this all to ashes.  
Together as one  
Against all others  
Break all of their wings and  
Make sure it crashes  
We're running to the  
Edge of the world  
Running, running away  
We're running to the edge of the world  
I don't know if the world will end today  
I had no choice,  
I erased the debt of our family,  
Let you say goodbye  
With lips like dynamite.  
Everyone turned their backs  
Because they knew  
When we held on tight  
To each other,  
We were something fatal,  
That fell into the wrong hands.  
(Marilyn Manson - Running to the edge of the world)

.

.

* * *

_Close the blinds so I can't see what he's doing…_

_I can't look out my window…_

…_and watch him do terrible things…_

_Close the blinds…_

_Pretend what was seen; isn't happening…_

* * *

.

.

Thanks to the Ambien, I slept like a baby last night… Except; I had the most peculiar dream. I dreamt that I woke up to find Edward standing in my room. I could remember a crashing noise as I tried to sit up…but by the time I woke up he was gone…_just a dream_…

And the dose of Focalin from this morning was getting me through Biology. Edward slid his little note from last night in my direction. I tried not to smile…Scratching out brother, I'd modified it to read…

_Like a drunk village idiot _- I scrawled out in my black pen before sliding it back.

"Keep your eyes on your own paper…" Kudla scolded Edward. I exhaled a sigh of relief that it wasn't me….this time.

"This isn't a test…?" Edward retorted; asking, confused.

"It is now; you can all thank Mr. Masen later…Get out a fresh sheet of paper." Kudla announced clapping his hands for us to make haste. _Fuck_…

"First question - What are the different phases of events during animal cell mitosis?" Various classmates huffed and grumbled under their breath…myself included.

"You should have all of those definitions memorized…" Kudla scolded as he seated himself on the corner of the lab table in front of the class; he'd often use it to conduct experiments. I tried to remember the phases; my second year I should know this shit…

_Interphase -_

_Prophase -_

_Prometaphase - _

That was as far as I got when the bell rang. I hadn't finished writing all of the phases, nor had I started on the definitions. I looked over at Edward…his paper didn't have much more written on it…

"Bring them up to the front. Suppose I'll be grading them on penmanship…" If it were any other teacher I'd doubt the sincerity of that statement, but it was Kudla. I reluctantly turned in my paper before leaving his class. _Fuck my life_…

Then we had a pop quiz on ceramics in Art class; it was a crossword puzzle… I only managed to fill in two answers.

7-Across. This is the technique of building ceramic forms by rolling out ropes of clay and joining them together with the fingers or a tool. _Coil_

11-Down. This is the process of heating the pottery to a specific temperature in order to bring about a particular change in the clay or the surface. _Firing_

I would have had number eleven wrong too if she hadn't explained what she were doing with our coiled pottery before the test; informing us they'd be ready to glaze tomorrow after their first firing…

I didn't need to wait for tomorrow to know I was failing miserably…Two out of sixteen wasn't going to get me a passing grade. I popped a couple of Lexapro before English, I was running out of time and needed to get started on that stupid fucking poem…

At lunch; I raised the hood on my jacket before folding my arms on the table; to make a perfect cave in which I could bury my face and hide. Complete darkness; sadly it wasn't sound proof.

I'd heard a chair from my table squeak across the floor; I didn't bother to look up. Figuring the table next door was borrowing a chair, per usual. Instead I dwelled on my studies…and the fact Edward was back to ignoring me since our Biology test.

Until a gentle rapping came at my head; a tugging at the front of my hood. I slowly raised my head…expecting to be told again by lunchroom staff that I couldn't sleep here… Instead it was Edward, who'd quickly pushed a tray of food into my folded arms.

"If you're going to be taking medication, you need to eat…" Edward quipped as he reached down onto his tray; grabbing a slice of pizza. I grabbed the red apple off of my tray, before casting the rest aside. Edward was scolding me with his eyes as he chewed, and eventually nudged the tray back in my direction.

I took a moment to scan the lunchroom, seeking out evidence that I weren't in fact dreaming. I couldn't believe Edward was sitting in front of me; sharing lunch… And what about Tanya? I shifted my gaze toward her table…to see her sitting with… Mike…

"Ouch, and to Mike…" I winced; with a mocking pained expression until I couldn't hide my amusement any longer.

"So…what's your excuse?" Edward raised a brow, tearing away another bite from his slice of pizza…

"What?" I asked; lost. Edward shook his head at me as he chewed, swallowing…he took a drink from his can of Coke….and after a long pause…

"You look like shit, eat something…" I wished he hadn't reminded me…

"Two pop quizzes…and I'm sure I failed both…" I exhaled, before raising the apple to my lips… I wasn't hungry. Disgusted with myself; definitely.

"I'm hoping for C's…" Edward wore a smug grin…

"I'd settle for barely passing…" I took a bite from my apple. The syrupy sweet mingled with the bitterness of the skin. The experience made me realize it had been a long time since I'd eaten food that wasn't dispensed from a vending machine. Soda and chocolate; …I could live on it, I do… I choked down the bite, discarding the apple on my tray. Edward frowned at me, tossing his pizza onto his tray…he shifted his gaze toward Tanya's table.

"She told me she could do better…" He spoke in a long exhale, before laughing.

"She did, Mike's a better match." I quipped, as I snatched his can of Coke from his tray.

"And since when do you know anything about match making? Aside from thinking that ugly hooded jacket you wear goes with everything…" His tone was light hearted; still it made me feel like a bitch.

"You're supposed to be my friend and tell me I could do better…or some shit." He laughed, resting his head on his palm; leaning closer… and I was lost in his vibrant emerald green eyes. The eyes that peered through the hedge to meet mine for the very first time. The eyes I met in my mother's garden. The eyes that comforted from behind rain spattered glass on a stormy night…

"You could…I rattle when I walk." I reminded him; the boy I used to know...

"I've got room for improvement too.." He admitted, lowering his arm and casting his tray aside.

"I don't need your sympathy…" Saved by the bell…I rose, discarding the contents of my lunch tray with Edward tight at my heels.

"Good; because I don't have anymore to give…" He retorted, before heading in the opposite direction.

"Meet me after school, parking lot 3N." He shouted above the hustle of the crowd down the hall…

.

.

* * *

_I'm slowly killing myself from the inside out; _

_I don't want your lies, burning deep inside._

_I don't want your sympathy…_

_Poison; is my antidote._

* * *

.

.

I accepted Edward's ride home. We studied Biology in his den with music videos playing in the background on the television. We'd both become distracted at different points…Still; I was making better progress with Edward's help; I was almost caught up in Biology by the time dinner rolled around.

"The other day…when I kissed you; what were you thinking?" He asked casually - quietly, as we cleaned up our books and crap; to get ready for dinner…

"You don't want to know…" I laughed softly, slightly nervous…more so when I was sitting across from him at the dinner table.

Dinner went well. Charlie was interested in hearing about Edward's efforts to help me. I think he just wanted to make sure I wasn't having any fun; being grounded and all…forever.

It went so well that Elizabeth and Charlie decided they wanted to go out for dessert. As painless as it would probably be; I had a poem to write. Edward appeared annoyed at my refusal to go.

By the time I collected my things, Charlie and Elizabeth had already bundled up and were heading out. Edward was nowhere to be seen. I felt like we were always taking one step forward, only to take two steps back…

I rounded the staircase, wearing my jacket; books in hand…I knocked gently on Edward's door.

"It's open…" Edward's voice called from the other side of the door. I turned the knob and pushed it open. I already had his space memorized, there wasn't anything in his room I hadn't already seen… Edward was sitting in the wooden chair of his desk, pushed out far enough to reach the window.

"I want my stuff…" I reminded him I hadn't forgotten; I kept up with my end of the bargain.

"You can come in you know…" His statement made me question whether I looked awkward waiting in the door.

"No girls…but, well you're the exception to the rule." He stammered; rising from his seat, he moved to the side of his desk and came away with a massive stack of papers, bound in various stacks with paperclips. He set them to rest on his dresser beside the door.

"There's your half…" He motioned to the stack of papers

"Half?" I questioned, noting the first page was in his pen.

"Yes, half. You know - there's he said, she said, …and somewhere in the middle you'll find truth. You have your truth and I have mine."

"How is that fair? I just want mine back."

"I don't have to give you any of it…" He shrugged.

"Well, what if I want your half? I'm sure my half is of the less embarrassing material."

"Since you threw your half away, I suppose that's up for my discretion isn't it?" He laughed…thumbing the top pages on the dresser. I threw my books on top of the stack, they nearly caught Edward's fingers as they dropped. I stepped in to raise the stack…

"…and why am I the exception to the no girl rule?" I asked; curious. Charlie hadn't forgotten a teenage boy was living next door;…and there were no exceptions to his rules.

"My mother thinks that if it hasn't happened yet; it's not likely to happen." I nodded as if that made sense…Yup, Elizabeth thought I was a lesbian…

"So maybe we shouldn't tell her we… uh.." Edward laughed..

"You kissed me…" I blurted…

"Consider it the seven year itch; I just wanted to make sure I wasn't getting rusty…" Edward retorted, resting a hand on the corner of his dresser. My hands were full with the stack of papers and books, his chin nearly rest at the top of the stack as he leaned into me. Suddenly I felt intimidated by the proximity of his presence.

"You were with Tanya…" Rolled off my tongue…I think my disgusted expression said it all…

"You weren't the other woman Bella…" Edward laughed.

"We're just friends; more of an acquaintance actually…" He continued to try to beat that statement into my head.

"I know, and we weren't even friends… I can only imagine how you treat your friends these days…" I poked fun, still doubting his relationship with Tanya. Tanya couldn't be just friends; with anyone who had a penis.

"Don't provoke me…" He smiled; always so fucking smug and gorgeous…

"I better get started on my English paper…" I excused myself…Edward walked me to his door…and waited on his porch, watching to see that I made it in alright…

.

.

* * *

_Blahhhhh_

_Blahhhhhhhh, blahhhhh_

_He speaks with pauses that shouldn't be there…I've memorized how his lips round his words. _

_His heart fails to mention my name; I scream his. I've been caught swimming in his eyes again…_

_Safe and secure in the warmth of a smile. And you still wonder; do I love you? Would yes be right? Or is it no? But we never ask; still time flows. _

_He kills me and keeps me alive. A stranger; who doesn't know me anymore. And now we bruise with every step. _

_Lips quivering with the words I can't possibly speak. I'll be your friend…_

_La la la la la_

_Blah!_

* * *

.

.

Charlie had gone to bed for the night…reminding me of the hour; it was late.

Rough draft after rough draft, I had nothing. Except; Edward on my mind. I raised the blind on my window…to find Edward, hanging out of his; cigarette trapped between his lips. I turned the latch and raised my window open…Startling Edward, he dropped his cigarette…

"Meet me downstairs…" He requested. Leaving his room before I had time to respond. Eventually I saw him come around, he bent over…waving his hand through the grass beside the house. When he'd come away with his lost cigarette he looked up.

"You coming?" He whispered; as he leaned into the side of his house. Taking a drag…the embers sparked brightly again on the end of his smoke.

I didn't know why I was going…Charlie would kick my ass if he caught me outside at this hour. The smell hit me before I could make out his face clearly in the dark.

"Where did you get that shit?" Entirely curious… It wasn't as if I hadn't ever thought of scoring some green; living with Charlie left those opportunities few and far in between…

"Mike.." Edward exhaled, extending the pinched fingers that held his joint.

"A parting gift for the runner up…?" I teased, scoring the joint from his hand I took a slow drag.

"Tanya deals in drugs, not blow jobs… She hasn't tried to sell me one; yet..." He laughed…I choked, coughing on the harsh smoke in my attempt to laugh.

"Fuck.." Eventually I caught my breath; to take another drag before handing it back to Edward.

"What are you doing tomorrow night?" Edward blurted; anxious.

"Working on my English paper.." I sighed in an exhale of smoke…

"Friday?" It felt too formal to be making plans with Edward… It wasn't as if we wouldn't see each other around…

.

.

* * *

_Don't do drugs…_

_Because if you do drugs_

_You'll go to prison…_

…_And drugs are really expensive; in prison…_

* * *

.

.

Just when I thought I was over the hump of Wednesday….Thursday went to hell. I mistakenly thought my English paper was due Friday and after spending nearly a week working on it; I had absolutely nothing to turn in…

By the time lunch rolled around, I just wanted to cry… and I did, to Edward…All of my grades were teetering on a slippery slope downhill.

"What was the assignment?" Edward asked, reaching onto his tray to grab a few fries.

"A poem…" I said it like I meant it…_BLAH! _It was enough to have Edward shaking his head.

"You couldn't write a poem? Even I could write a poem in like…what, a minute…" He scoffed. I challenged him with my stare; smirking…

"You know like…um, roses are red, violets are blue, even if I were blind; I could still see you."

"…because I rattle." I laughed; poking fun at myself.

"You should have turned in something; fucking effort has to count for something right?" He was right…_again_.

"I'd give you an E for effort…" I retorted… It was too late; English was last period. He laughed at my response to his little poem…

"Since you don't have an English paper…" Edward asked

"I'm grounded." I reminded him.

I spent the rest of my day trying not to dwell on English…and Biology, and Art…; I had to pay attention and get my shit together before I'd fall further behind.

Getting high with Edward after school took away the sting. By the time dinner rolled around; Edward was sleeping…and didn't bother coming down. I regretted going to dinner.

I took an Ambien when I got home; joining Edward in la-la land…

.

.

* * *

_You haunt even the darkest corners of my memory…_

_At night; when we should be dreaming…_

_Your name lingers on the tip of my tongue; breathe…_

_To sleep; give ourselves away…_

* * *

.

.

By Friday I felt confident; relieved the week was over… Dinner was cancelled, Charlie left me money to order in. He was going to be working overtime with the big Valentine's Day dance going on tonight…I saw the decorations and flyers, heard the reminders for the past month at school - I don't dance…

I considered asking Edward if he wanted to hang out; instead I caught him dressing for the dance. It was definitely a gratifying moment…before the rejection sank in. I didn't bother to ask…

_You going? _-Edward paused in fastening the buttons on his red shirt; to hold up a note.

_To the dance? -_Before flipping to the second page…I breathed, exhaling onto the cold glass… I wiped away the steam with a finger to remind Edward I was…

_Grounded - _I cleared away the remaining smog on the glass with my hand. With Edward's messages seeming pre-meditated, I was somewhat flattered he'd been planning on asking.

_I have to go _- He posted, then flipped to a new page.

_Pick up my date _-In that moment; I wished he had put all of the text on one page. So the print would be smaller… So; I didn't have to read it… I lowered my blinds as Edward reached for his jacket.

A thousand thoughts were running through my head with a few Lexapro; when the doorbell startled me. I couldn't even think about eating the pizza I had ordered… but I still had to pay for it. _Fuck my life…_

"Edward…" Seeing him up close…wow, he cleaned up well. And he smelled…ahhhmazing!

"You're going to be late…" _To pick up your date…_ As tempted as I was to ask, no demand…Who? I didn't have the balls…

"Am I late?" He shoved his hands in the front pockets of his jacket, smug expression on his face.

"Aren't you?" I asked… As the pizza delivery guy walked up to exchange my cash for the pizza.

"For the dance, yes…Pizza, never." Edward laughed softly, taking the pizza from my hands he walked past me…letting himself in. I closed the door, spinning around in a moment of confusion before I'd tracked Edward down in the kitchen. He'd already removed his jacket, making himself at home; and was now working on getting acquainted with my pizza…

Edward reached into the pizza box…

"I'm…"

"Grounded…" He cut me off…finishing my statement.

"Aren't you going to the dance?" I asked, confused.

"No, I've seen you dance…" He laughed softly.

"Thanks…" If it were anyone else, I would have been mortified…with Edward it was just honest.

"Grab a jacket…"

"Okay…for?" _Was he high?_

.

.

* * *

Despite our differences and stupid fights…

we always got back together.

If there were others in between break ups…

it was always about him.

* * *

.

.

No, but we did, get high - behind his garage.

I felt like we were fourteen again... I put a scratch in Charlie's cruiser with my bike and he made me detail it as punishment; Edward supervised. When I found the bag of weed wedged in the back seat, immediately I thought of giving it to Charlie; but Edward had other ideals. We held onto it for about three hours before we were brave enough to smoke it… - behind his garage.

And then we watched…

"Harold and Kumar go to White Castle?" Edward asked in an exhale of smoke. I laughed; it was almost as if he could read my mind.

The expression on Edward's face when he came out of his kitchen with a bag of Cheetos and a few cans of Coke made me wonder if he were intentionally making it seem like déjà vu…

Elizabeth had volunteered to chaperone the dance. It wasn't as if I hadn't expected it; she often volunteered at the school library too. I couldn't lie to myself; being alone with Edward made me nervous.

We settled under a blanket… It was just like old times, except we didn't sit quite as close. At first I was high enough to be paranoid; noticing the tension, awkwardness. It faded with our laughter; and the constant nudging - fighting over the bag of Cheetos.

At some point during the movie; our laughter must have faded enough for me to doze off…or perhaps it was the comforting warmth Edward exuded under the blanket…the refreshing clean pleasant smell of his skin…

Edward stretched; I rose from the nook of his arm… He reached forward and grabbed the remote, turning the television off.

"Why?" _WTFBBQ? _The movie wasn't over yet.

"I should get you home." Edward rose from the couch, stretching as he ran a hand along the back of his neck.

"Yeah…" I agreed. I crawled out from under the blanket; somewhat groggy…It took me a moment to find my shoes…I slipped them on and began lacing…

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

**~End Chapter 4 - Tortured Times**

Thanks for dropping by!


	5. Chapter 5 Tortured Awakening

**"Boy next door…"**

**.**

**.**

**.**

* * *

**~Chapter 5 - Tortured Awakening**

* * *

.

.

I'm in love with a friend  
It's been going on a week  
I'm in love with a friend  
I can hardly speak  
I can read between the lines  
and I can read between the sheets  
In my passion you will find  
my face as red as beets  
I'm in love with a friend  
I don't know what to do  
I'm in love with a friend  
and that friend is you  
Don't be surprised by my remarks  
for they surprise me too  
If I weren't shooting in the dark  
I'd be as confused as you  
But I'm in love  
All that you told me  
All that we've been through  
If we end up together  
What would my friends say to you  
I'm in love with a friend  
I don't know what to do  
I'm in love with a friend  
and that friend is you  
Be surprised by my remarks  
for they surprise me too  
If I weren't shooting in the dark  
I'd be as confused as you  
But I'm in love  
(Deep Dish - In love with a friend)

.

.

Saturday detention was a predictable form of hell… We weren't allowed to mingle; but at least Edward sat as close as he could. Two chairs down from me, at my table…

_Only twelve more Saturdays with Edward…_

I wasn't sure exactly what our relationship was. Were we friends? Sometimes I felt like we were nothing, other times friends….and every now and then I questioned if it were something more…

Like last night when Edward gave me a hug and pressed his lips to my forehead after walking me home. There was something incredibly sweet beyond the tension… My heart was racing in my chest, terrified yet entirely hopeful; that he'd kiss me again.

It was one of those tender moments my mother would have sneakily photographed and added to our scrapbook. We had so many good photos, three years of memories from our childhood together; thanks to my mother.

.

.

* * *

_Photos playing in the mud; _

_Popsicle stained faces…_

_Big toothy grins…and toothless grins. _

_There was no denying that Edward was once my best friend…_

* * *

.

.

I found myself stalled in the hall during bathroom break. Mr. Brown had decided to hang the poetry in the hall…Just when I felt I had dodged a bullet. I found a poem titled… Friend? - by; Isabella Swan…

It certainly passed for my pen, however the fancy way the F's and S's were slanted; told me it was an obvious Edward forgery…

.

.

_Friend?_

_Roses are red, violets are blue, _

_Even if I were blind; I could still see you_

_The one who will push you to do better_

_The one who will love you just the way you are_

_The one who will share the burdens of your pain_

_The one who will embarrass themselves just to make you smile_

_The one who will love you just the way you are_

_The one who will laugh and cry with you_

_The one who will always stand beside you_

_The one who will love you just the way you are_

_The one who will pick up all the pieces _

_The one who will carry all of your secrets to the grave_

_Roses are red, violets are blue, _

_When I have nothing else to look forward to; I still have you._

_Friend_

.

.

In the upper corner flashed my grade; B minus… Edward certainly deserved an E for effort. I could only wonder when he had time to orchestrate this.

"Not bad for three minutes…" Edward mused aloud as he rounded the corner; heading toward the bathrooms.

"Thank you." I meant it. I almost squealed; hopping on Edwards back in an embrace that resembled a bear hug; feeling the weight of another burden lifted from my shoulders. I wasn't failing English…I was making up my Biology, and Art would probably always be a silent prayer that Miss. Davis would grade with pity.

"I told him I found it in the hall; you must have dropped it…" Edward laughed at my excitement. It wasn't until I pressed my lips along the stubble on his cheek that I felt the sting; he tensed up and froze. I shouldn't have done that… I slid down Edward's back, reeling myself in.

.

.

* * *

_You are all I've ever wanted_

_You are all I'll ever need_

_You are everything to me…_

* * *

.

.

Edward was quiet on the way home, I wondered if I'd done something wrong. I mean…he kissed me on the forehead last night. I kissed him on the cheek…I tried to rationalize that we were even; if anything.

"See you at dinner." Edward smiled, leaning over to push the door open for me as I unlatched my seatbelt.

"Yeah…" I smiled, sliding from the passenger seat; I closed the door. To watch Edward back down the street and up into his drive… I spun on my heel, heading up the walk toward my door. Edward gave a small wave before he disappeared into his house.

The familiar rattle as I slipped off my jacket; I hadn't needed to take anything yet today. I felt good.

The phone rang; I answered…expecting it to be Edward…

"Edward…" I heard Alice's little giggle from the other end of the line…

"Well, it's about friggin' time." Alice retorted at hearing me say Edward's name.

"Hey Alice…" I laughed; trying to pretend that the endearing tone I'd used to say his name meant nothing.

"I figured something was going on; you haven't called…" Alice scolded.

"I'm grounded." I huffed into the phone with a lingering sigh…

"Does that have anything to do with Edward?" Alice laughed; some things never change…

"Everything to do with Edward." I replied, leaning into the kitchen counter as I spoke into the receiver.

"He's in three of my periods this semester and I've got Saturday detention with him until nearly the end of the semester…" I confessed.

"What?! So you're talking?" Alice asked, eager...

"Yeah…he's been tutoring me, kissing…" I blurted.

"Oh my gawd; Bella!" Alice squealed in my ear. I knew she still occasionally talked to Edward; they even had a Math class or something together last semester.

"Shit; don't say anything Alice! It's not like we're together…" I pleaded, trying to squeeze my way out of the predicament I put myself in.

"Pfft…It's so damn obvious. He's loved you since he was like, what nine?" Alice laughed.

"It's not like that…" I admitted..

"Save it; anyone who'd stick around and be your friend after your mother died would have to love you…" Alice retorted quickly. Her words stung; wow!

"I have to go…" My tone lingered on the edge of being unsteady.

"I didn't mean it like that…" Alice pleaded…

"Bella, I'm your friend…I love you! I'm just being honest…" Alice was digging her way back into her hole…

"I know; truth hurts like a mother fucker." Rolled off my tongue…

"I worry about you…" Alice confessed.

"Don't…I'll catch up with you later." I laughed softly; forced…as if it could chase the dark thoughts that clouded my vision.

"Alright, later girlfriend.." Alice replied; I hung up the line…

.

.

* * *

_The one who will laugh and cry with you_

_The one who will always stand beside you_

_The one who will love you just the way you are…_

_Anyone who'd stick around and be your friend after your mother died… _

_Would have to love you… _

* * *

.

.

At dinner I looked like hell… I hadn't dressed out of my pajamas. My hair was pulled up in a loose ponytail. I spent the last several hours thinking about what Alice said, entirely sober; too fucking sober.

Nobody even commented on my state of dress; how fucking pathetic was that? I had fallen so far down, so long ago…that this was fucking normal; typical of me. Staring at Edward across the table, the reality; I'd poisoned him for so long…laced the friendship I'd given him with the wickedness of my depression.

It wasn't until he became as fragile as I was after the loss of his father; that I inadvertently realized he couldn't take me anymore. To give him more, continue being his burden… Would be his suicide. Like a pet you constantly forget to feed and nurture, I gave him away; before I ended up killing him.

Why couldn't he see that? See how fucked up I really was? _Am_…

"I don't deserve you…" Rolled off my tongue in a low tone… Elizabeth started choking on her tea; it made me realize I was being watched more closely than I was willing to admit.

"I'm sorry…" I blurted…Really; it wasn't a cry for help; _I'm not that fragile_…

"What was that?" My words were lost on Charlie…Edward stared at me intently from across the table, lips parted…but he hadn't a reply.

"The last line in my poem for English…You know; that one perfect line in your poem may be what makes it all worthwhile. It may also be what is ruining the rest of your poem…." I rambled; quoting that stupid worksheet. The writing tips that only made me more nervous about writing the poem I never completed…

"I almost forgot about that; did you get your grade back yet?" Charlie asked, dipping his fork onto his plate for another bite.

"B minus…" I shrugged, barely holding onto my fork, it drooped; clattering when it slipped from my hand to fall onto the edge of my plate.

"I'd like to read it." Elizabeth patted her chest, still settling from choking on her tea. I couldn't tell if she were serious or feigning interest to make conversation.

"Oh, I didn't get it back yet." I admitted. Reaching for my fork again…

"The one who will love you just the way you are, that was a good line too…You used it what; three times?" Edward mused aloud, raising a brow; as he scraped his fork along his plate.

"You've read it?" Elizabeth asked…curious.

"Yeah, they're posted in the hall." Edward admitted. Then the conversation died… It felt awkward; I felt pressured to make conversation.

"Am I still grounded?" I asked Charlie, not really caring that Elizabeth and Edward were there; everyone knew…

"Can we talk about this later?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah…" I nodded; satisfied the weight were now on Charlie to make conversation.

"So Adams finally got the screen for the drive-in replaced. I had to block traffic today so they could move it down the main street. They're hoping to re-open the place tonight." Charlie revealed typical work banter…

"I haven't been there in ages…Probably since I was a girl…" Elizabeth admitted.

"We could check it out.." Charlie blurted, his eyes searching the table; over each of us. Was he asking if we wanted to go?

"No.." I exhaled, bored.

"Why not? It could be fun.." Charlie quipped; he used that it could be fun line on me regularly, rarely was it fun.

"Nobody goes to the drive-in with their parents; once they're able to drive themselves…"

"…unless they're on a first date." Edward chimed in.

"Emily didn't mind…she thought it was nice…" Elizabeth retorted, staring Edward down in disbelief.

"She hasn't spoken to me since…Nice never really means nice, mom. It's like okay…Nothing is ever really just okay; it's just a nice way of not telling them what you really think." Edward spoke.

"Sometimes things are just okay; there's nothing wrong with being okay Edward." Elizabeth quipped.

"Okay…" Edward retorted; and we shared a laugh. Elizabeth tried to fight it to scold Edward for mocking her, but our laughter was contagious.

.

.

* * *

_Who decides when the applause should die down? _

_It seems like it's a group decision; _

_everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, _

_Well, okay, that's enough of that._

* * *

.

.

_Never love a wild thing.... He was always lugging home wild things. A hawk with a hurt wing. One time it was a full-grown bobcat with a broken leg. But you can't give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they're strong enough to run into the woods. Or fly into a tree. Then a taller tree. Then the sky. That's how you'll end up.... If you let yourself love a wild thing. You'll end up looking at the sky._

We were watching Breakfast at Tiffany's on the new screen…

Parked behind Charlie's cruiser. While the idea of taking separate cars sounded like it would be more fun….Well, it was just a façade. There was no way we were going to have any fun this close to the parental units. Look; Charlie's checking the rearview mirror again…

_It's better to look at the sky than live there. Such an empty place; so vague. Just a country where the thunder goes and things disappear._

"You ready to go home?" Edward asked.

"They're not going to let us out until the movie ends." I replied, slumped down in the passenger seat with my feet on the dash. Edward got out of the car and hung our speaker back outside on the post; a gust of cool winter air blew in giving me a chill. He tapped on Charlie's window. I could see his lips moving but I couldn't hear what he were saying. He turned sideways, extending an arm; he pointed off at something in the distance. Nodded, his lips moved again; and then he jogged back to the car.

He threw himself back into the drivers seat, closing the door he rubbed his hands together; turning the heat back on high, to warm the car from the chill he'd repeatedly let in.

"Seat belt on.." He reached back for his as he reminded me. I slid my feet off the dash and did as instructed; hardly believing we were actually going to get out of here.

"You told Charlie?" _We were leaving? _

"Yeah; I was going to cut back to the main gate, but he said to take the emergency vehicle exit out." Edward, shifted the car in reverse, backing up slowly until he had enough room to cut out from behind Charlie's cruiser. We drove in silence for a awhile…

"What happened at dinner?" Edward asked; concerned.

"I told Alice we kissed…" I admitted; knowing Alice couldn't keep a secret to save her life…

"Why?" He asked, his tone was calm; more curious than upset.

"She said; anyone who'd stick around and be your friend after your mother died would have to love you…" I repeated, word for fucking word; etched into my memory.

"Bella…" Edward scolded…

"She's right…I'm a shitty everything Edward; I've finally reached the point where I actually disgust myself…" I laughed softly; bitter truth…

"It wasn't all that bad…" Edward admitted…_full of shit_…

"Please…" I hissed as we pulled into Edward's drive.

"After three and a half years; I could finally stop chasing you…" Edward laughed softly.

"…I barricaded myself in my room…"

"…And even when it was bad; it was never unbearable. We had a lot of good times too Bella…" Edward insisted, his tone serious…when his gaze finally shifted from his steering wheel to meet mine…

Ready…set…go!…My lips were on his. I surrendered to the boyish charms of Edward; the boy I loved…

His lips were deliciously inviting, soft upon impact; before they'd tensed under the surprise brushing of my lips. When they'd relaxed to soften, his mouth slowly moved over mine; kissing me back without any protest.

I felt Edward fumble at my side; before I heard the familiar sound of the seat belt becoming unlatched. I was growing more nervous with his every movement…and when his tongue brushed my lips; I was out of there pronto. _What the hell was I doing?_

Obviously; I was having a hard time reading Edward. He was either entirely eager or tense like I was about to give him leprosy…_What the hell were we doing?_

"Night…" I blurted as I escaped his car. I nearly slid and fell on the pavement of his drive; slick with ice as I closed his car door. I scrambled to make it home as quickly and painlessly as possible, cutting across his lawn.

"Bella!" I looked back just in time to catch Edward waging a war with his seatbelt. I briskly jogged, hoping to make it in before he'd catch up with me.

Edward was fast. Catching me in a tight bear hug from behind, just as I'd forced my key into the lock.

"Please don't run from me…" Edward's breath rang heavy, ragged in my ears. His chest heaved at my back…No escape; under the tight grip of his embrace.

I didn't know what to say; and it wasn't just because I couldn't find the words. The sound of my heart beating rapidly flooded my ears; drowning out everything. I couldn't find the air to breathe…

.

.

* * *

_My thoughts came back to haunt me…_

_For nearly a year; I'd closed that door…_

_I was happy to let them go; but now they've come back…_

_Stronger than ever before…_

* * *

.

.

I knew I wasn't going to pass out or suffocate; I'd read the literature and had the facts on my condition. However; the overwhelming levels of anxiety were certainly giving my brain every signal that I was near dying. I reached in my jacket pocket for my medication; Lexapro.

"Bella…you don't need that…" Edward's hands fought against mine as his bitter tone laced the edge of my ear. I tried to calm myself…enough to speak; fight him off. The pull of his arms were wearing me down, he wasn't letting go…

"…breathe Bella…" The vial slipped from my hand, under the pressure of Edward's fingers…to falter and roll along the porch floor. Trying to breathe… I thought I was breathing; but it still didn't feel like I was getting enough air…

"Edward…" I stammered…He raised a hand to run along the side of my head, stroking my hair as he locked me to his chest…

"It's okay… I like kissing you." Edward blurted, as he tried to soothe me; choking sobs for air shifted into laughter…

"A lot…" He insisted. Laughter; a sure sign I was breathing… I focused on breathing.

"See…you're good, we're good." Edward spoke as he leaned in, kissing the side of my head; his lips brushed along my hair. I closed my eyes; I wasn't going to cry; useless tears…

"I always say too much…" I admitted, sucking in my bottom lip; to offer it a gentle bite before I'd granted it release.

"I'd rather know what you're thinking - even if what you're thinking is insane." Edward noted; as he reached forward to unlock my door for me; releasing me. I slowly stepped inside…

"Not if you know what's good for you…" I retorted; Edward bent over to pick up my prescription. I held out my hand; waiting for him to give it back.

"Ditto…" He retorted; shaking the vial in his hand, estimating the quantity that were left. It was a loud rattle, there were probably six or seven left… I wasn't heartbroken when he shoved them in his pocket.

"Oh, …and I will see you tomorrow Bella…" Edward smiled…Jogging down the steps, he headed back to close up his car… I closed my door before he could catch me watching.

.

.

* * *

_Look outside; dream._

_Dream things that never were…_

_And awaken, to ask; why not?_

_Look inside; awaken._

* * *

.

.

I was drifting in and out of sleep; awakened by a draft…I pulled my comforter up around me; tighter…and closed my eyes; to sleep…

"…breathe Bella…" Edward's voice rocked in my ears…a low, soft, almost soothing lullaby. Until I caught another chill…I reached up to grab my quilt at the foot of my bed and caught sight of a shadow…I froze, trying to decipher if seeing was believing. Prepared to scream… but panic had already set in. More panic; I should have fucking screamed when I had the chance…the shadow was moving…

"…breathe Bella…" Edward stepped forward, kneeling at the foot of the bed…Relief, and holy fuck…. I clutched tight to the quilt I'd fisted my hands into; staring Edward down in the dark. I wanted to smack him for giving me such a scare…

"How did you get in here?" I whispered…Now I was paranoid for an entirely different reason; worried Charlie would wake up.

"Your window; up from the tree…" Edward spoke so nonchalantly; amused, as if it were a typical means of entry.

"You come in that way often…" I accused. I felt violated…confused…

"Bella…it's not what you're thinking…or maybe it is what you're thinking…" Edward rambled in the dark.

"I worry…" He admitted.

"Don't…" I retorted.

"I watch the news and I see celebrities dying from prescription cocktails; just like the ones you're prescribed. I haven't given up counting the pills; but I think you have. I don't think you have any idea how many you're really taking…" Edward confessed. I counted; the number of pills were growing higher, but I'm fine…

"That's why you look tired in school…and sleep after." I'd had an ah-ha moment putting all the pieces together. I wasn't sure how I felt about this new found level of stalking. Edward cared; perhaps too much and for all the wrong reasons. I didn't want to think that I could end up like Anna Nicole Smith or Heath Ledger... No, I didn't want to believe it.

"I don't know which of us is crazier. The shitty friend….or the stupid friend willing to throw away their life for the shitty friend." I rambled; too honest.

"Losing you would kill me." Edward exhaled in the dark.

"Charlie sleeps beside a loaded gun; and you worry about me…" I retorted…

"Then leave a light on…" Edward rose to his feet; turning on the small lamp beside my bed… The sudden burst of light; had me squinting; colored spots clouded my vision until I'd rubbed them away. When I lowered my hands it improved; eyes adjusting to the new light.

I pulled the quilt up snug as Edward let in another burst of cold air from outside, raising the window. His maneuver made me so nervous…I wish I had thought of sneaking him out before he'd started to brave the trip back to his window; barefoot in only a pair of ripped jeans and a t-shirt. He was fucking insane - it was cold and windy out there; everything was coated in a thin glistening sheet of ice.

Edward closed my window quietly behind him before swinging over onto a higher branch, moving across - over my driveway, he dropped back down onto a lower flimsier branch beside his window…the one I was sure would break away before he made it in. When he raised his window and made it inside; I could finally breathe again.

.

.

* * *

_Out of time is not a reason…_

_I'm not up for dying._

_That's another good reason not to…_

_When I'm sober; I still meant everything I said before._

* * *

.

.

I spent Sunday catching up on chores; mostly the laundry I'd neglected for weeks. I was running out of clean t-shirts…Rather; I'd run out weeks ago and had worn some as many as three times. Yeah; even Edward was kicking my ass lately in the hygiene department.

Edward slept most of the day; I missed seeing him wake up. He was there; I folded a load of laundry…and he was gone by the time I finished.

I wasn't sure I could handle life; under-medicated…I'd already debated several times on opening next months supply of Lexapro. Calculating until my thoughts would drive me stir crazy; trapped in my head. I needed an outlet for all of the newfound energy; it was easier to just be numb…

I didn't like who I was; I just didn't know where to begin fixing me. _I'm the biggest fucking loser…_

Edward called just after four-thirty to tell me he probably wouldn't make it to dinner. The call was brief; I didn't know what to make of it. At least he called; but I'd already agreed and made plans with Charlie to go.

"You look tired Bella; medication not working anymore?" Charlie commented at dinner, as I slouched over my plate; merely trying to blend in with the décor and avoid conversation. We'd had this discussion countless times; I'd seen dozens of doctors and dozens of pretend doctors - therapists; shrinks. Dozens of prescriptions…each individual convinced they could fix me.

"I stopped taking them; all of them." I admitted; careless.

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

**~End Chapter 5 - Tortured Awakening**

Thanks for dropping by!


	6. Chapter 6 Tortured Touch

**"Boy next door…"**

_**.**_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_

* * *

_

**~Chapter 6 - Tortured Touch**

* * *

_._

_._

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear

And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear

Take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before

And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal

But lately I'm beginning to find that I

Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there

With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there

I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive

Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?

It's driven me before

And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around

But lately I'm beginning to find that

When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there

With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there

I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine

Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there

With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there

I'll be there

(Incubus - Drive)

.

.

Elizabeth looked more concerned than Charlie; which told me she had already heard Charlie's version of events or Edward's; not that mine would be sound any better…

"Bella; I don't think that's wise. They're prescribed; you need them. You've been over-emotional all week…" Charlie retorted as if Elizabeth weren't judging me with her stare.

"I've only been off of them for two days…I did laundry…" _What more do you want from me? _My anxiety levels were flaring...

"How long am I still grounded for?" I blurted; irritated.

"Until you start taking your medication.." Charlie huffed.

"She can't…because I took them." Edward rounded the corner into the dining room. I had no idea how long he'd been listening; long enough I suppose…

"Edward.." Elizabeth scolded.

"I wasn't going to take them anyway…" I defended myself; no sense in Edward taking the fall; I was already grounded…

"It's illegal to have prescriptions that don't belong to you." Out came Charlie; the sheriff…

"It's only illegal to consume drugs not prescribed to you; I flushed them." Edward grabbed a plate before sliding out his chair. I couldn't believe this was up for discussion…I wanted to crawl away and hide. Scream; Stop talking about me!

"Edward, medications are expensive;…I'm sorry…" Elizabeth scolded, before apologizing to Charlie for Edward's behavior…

"I'm not naïve…" Edward scolded.

"I didn't say you were.." Elizabeth retorted; the tension was bubbling over the table.

"You don't know Bella, like I do." Edward blurted.

"I don't?" Charlie asked; intrigued to hear Edward's response.

"Don't do this to me…please stop!" I interrupted.

.

.

* * *

_Your eyes won't let my thoughts go back to sleep…_

_Why do you even think of me?_

_Let me sleep…_

* * *

.

.

Dinner ended early…I was sent home; Edward stormed off to his room… And I could only assume our parents were apologizing for our behavior and wrapping up the night. I waited anxiously in my room; in dread; aware that Charlie would probably want to talk when he got home.

With the medication we could at least keep pretending I was going to be okay… I was going to be okay; Charlie needed to trust me…

"Bella…" Charlie stormed in angry, swinging the door to slam behind him. To take his stand, further prove his point that he wasn't going anywhere. I'd witnessed this scenario so many times over the years, I didn't even flinch anymore. These moments were sparse; but it was the most angry I'd ever see him. Which didn't say much, considering he usually calmed down within moments of his outburst; to ground me.

I was already grounded… I let him have his moment…

"Bella…." He seemed lost for words when he found his footing; entirely unusual for Charlie…

"I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe… Maybe, you should go to Phoenix and stay with your Gram for awhile…" In Phoenix I would have nothing; but Gram…who was nothing like my mother.

"Maybe it's what you need…for now." Charlie hesitated as he spoke; but I could tell that he'd been thinking about this for awhile. He had it all figured out…

"What about you? Don't you need me? You don't want me here anymore…" I retorted in disbelief…

"Bella, I want you to be well." Charlie raised a hand to brush the hair that had been shielding the clear view of my face from him; tucking it away from my gaze - behind my ear.

"I'm getting better…" I admitted. I wanted this chance.

"When were you going to tell me you stopped taking your medication? You don't talk to me anymore…" Charlie huffed, wiping his eyes that were welling to the brim with tears. He'd catch them and chase them away, before he'd ever let them fall.

"Because I already knew what you'd say, and that's the reason I don't talk to you…I'm already grounded; guess the only thing left for you to do is send me away…Gram isn't mom, but whatever…" I retorted, angry.

.

.

* * *

_I'm scared… _

_Scared; I won't remember her. _

_I'm trading in everything, living; just to hold onto something I can't have. _

_My mother is never coming back… _

* * *

.

.

We called a truce; for the night. I wanted Charlie to give me a month… I tried to bribe him by playing two minutes of truth.

In those two minutes I learned that Charlie still loved my mother; but it was time to move on - at least for Charlie; It stung. My stomach curdled, souring at the thought of Charlie possibly bringing another woman home; to our home. Still; I wasn't suicidal, which seemed to be my father's biggest fear.

It was nearing midnight, Charlie went to bed over an hour ago… There was no way in hell I was going to fall asleep without any Ambien after the dropping of that bomb.

One wouldn't hurt - I needed it. Edward was certainly a man of his word; he'd taken them all… A sinking feeling washed over me; I didn't have options. _Sober_…

In time; I still couldn't sleep; but for a completely different reason entirely.

I watched Edward as he slept under the glow of a stream of light creeping from his bathroom; a night light… I watched the way his lips curved, the soft rise and fall of his chest; his breathing - a slow steady rhythm. Recall the softness of those lips and the firm arms that held me; from memory…

There were parts of him I could only imagine - and shadows that left little to the imagination… At one point, I were convinced that if I moved to the other side of the window I'd have a better view inside his tent. I'd actually cleared off a corner of my bookcase; just so I could balance on top of it to test my theory. I'd almost tore down the curtains, but eventually found my footing properly in the windowsill. And I saw…

I don't know what I saw…if my mind were playing tricks on me, was it? There were too many shadows in the darkness of his bedroom; and a lack of light… My imagination could only run wild from there. I wondered if Edward were this intrigued, fascinated, aroused; just from watching me sleep…

He was so fucking beautiful...

_Beautiful tortured soul_…

Too beautiful to be broken…

_I'm a fucking pervert…_

.

.

* * *

_You can't be on drugs;_

_And still be the one in control… _

_Give it away…_

_Give it away…_

* * *

.

.

Monday morning arrived too quickly…

Edward woke up just after four in the morning. It was still dark outside when I saw his shadow cross the light of his open bathroom door.

I didn't know what to do with myself; in no way did I anticipate Edward would wake up this early. I hadn't slept; it were too obvious - I couldn't even think of a good lie. I grabbed a book off the shelf and hopped onto the end of my bed… _I just got carried away reading, mhm.._

_What the hell was I reading? _Fourth grade math_; _I tilted the book further into my lap to hide the cover. Edward's room lit up; I watched him stumble about groggily from the corner of my eye…in a pair of black boxer briefs…

He'd dressed in a pair of worn ripped black jeans and a faded green t-shirt… I got carried away, and wasn't really peeking from the corner of my eye any longer when he caught me; his gaze finally met mine. I didn't look away, I had no shame… Even fully dressed; I kept catching glimpses of Edward in his boxers from memory. Damn teenage hormones…

And when he smiled, I couldn't help but return the gesture… Quickly; his smile faded. It hadn't taken him long to notice the obvious… He held up his notepad to the window, gesturing me to come closer with a few fingers. I slid off the bed, tossing the book aside, onto the floor near the bookcase. I knew what was coming…

_No sleep? _- I shook my head; admitting I hadn't.

_Still got this? _- He laughed, lowering his pad of paper before holding up a green scaled walkie talkie… I couldn't help but laugh with him; pathetic, I knew mine was probably somewhere in my closet…

I motioned a finger for him to wait… I opened the closet door, with dirty laundry being half the battle; it wasn't nearly as messy as it was on Sunday morning. I searched through a few old milk crates in the far back corners. I came across childhood videos, stuffed toys…and finally, the toy Edward were referring to.

My batteries were dead… I was about to give up, but then remembered I'd had a battery in my alarm clock that might work. I came out of the closet, toy in hand… Edward was laughing and already tinkering with his… I couldn't hear anything, mine still wasn't working.

I tinkered with the new battery and finally I had static…

"Let me know when you can hear me…Let me know when…" Edward's voice squeaked over the horrible tiny speaker laced with static. I'd pressed the tiny button beside the bulls-eye shaped speaker; near the sword icon… I couldn't believe we still had these… I laughed…

"Masters of the Universe…" I spoke through laughter…Edward laughed along. We both stood before our windows; making eye contact as we conversed through the silly toys I'd gifted Edward on his eighth birthday…

"You need sleep…" Edward's voice shifted from humor to a more serious tone. Not quite scolding…

"What are you doing up so early? You need sleep…" I accused, turning it around.

"Touché…Old habits die hard." His response left a lump in my throat. I could only wonder how many times he'd crept through my window; to watch me in the wee hours of the morning…Just when I'd thought of a response…

"Get some sleep; dream of me…" Edward's voice came crashing through the speaker. The glint in his eye, curve of his smile; told me he knew I'd been watching him sleep. I was speechless for about two seconds.

"You've already had your turn, the pleasure is still mine…" I taunted.

"It is kind of… amazing; isn't it…" The blunt, sincere, yet confused tone of his voice and his eyes from behind the glass - said too much. Said; everything I was feeling…

"It is…" I stared Edward down; not quite knowing where to go from here.

"Where do you go when you sleep?" Edward asked; too serious.

"A black void…" I laughed…

"You can tell me what haunts you…" He replied; un-amused…

"If I told you; I'd have to kill you…but not today; you're too cute…" I smiled…

"Cute? Kill me now…" He retorted, with a small laugh.

.

.

* * *

_You're in each passing thought,_

_In every breath I take… _

_My feelings keep growing stronger…_

_With every move you make…_

_Why'd you have to go and be so fucking…_

_Cute, lovable, adorable_

_Beautiful…_

* * *

.

.

Edward arrived at my door, coffee in hand; just after seven as planned. I'd managed to take a long shower and dress out of my pajamas. A pair of jeans and a faded favorite navy blue long sleeved rounded neck t-shirt. The material was soft, it was more form fitting than I'd preferred; but the softness made up for that and my hooded jacked concealed the pubescent curves I'd never really accepted or grown comfortable with. It was easier to hide them and pretend they didn't exist…

Pretend that everything wasn't constantly changing; without her…

I kissed Charlie goodbye on the cheek, making a point to prove to him even through the smallest of gestures that I was going to be fine. It seemed to satisfy him to an extent; he smiled. I did shower and get dressed; that had to count for something, right?

I slid into the passenger seat of Edward's car, resting my books in my lap as I placed my coffee in one of the cup holders; before I reached back for my seatbelt.

Edward was quiet as we pulled away; we didn't get far before he turned off on one of the wooded trails…meant for recreational vehicles; not cars. It definitely perked my curiosity…

"Where are we going?" I asked, bluntly.

"Um…I thought we'd call in today; they should be gone in ten-fifteen minutes tops…" Edward retorted; as he parked…

"I can't Edward…If I get caught…" I shook my head; wanting no part in this charade…

"What? You're already grounded.." Edward laughed.

"Last night Charlie mentioned sending me away to my Grams… He's ready to date and move on with his life. I'm not moving forward and I guess I don't quite fit in with that plan." I stared down at my books; it was hard to keep admitting failure after failure, without a solid plan to be better. I couldn't promise anything…

"He wouldn't; he's just talk Bella. Besides; I'll call in for you - we'll be excused." I wanted to believe Edward. There was a tension in his voice; he sounded bitter, almost angry.

"What's bothering you?" I asked, my voice quiet… I was trying to be a good friend, but entirely afraid that by the time he responded I might helplessly be back in shitty friend mode…

"Quit taking it one day at a time. Then all this crap wouldn't bother you so much…" He ran a hand through his messy hair; he seemed nervous…

"What do you mean?" I felt like I should be insulted by words; due to his awkward mannerisms..

"We're going to be eighteen soon, we've got inheritances… In a few months we can do whatever the hell we want and they know it. Start looking forward to something…" Edward blurted; it was obvious he had a plan for himself.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do?" I didn't mean for my tone to sound so dreadful… In a few months I'd have money to provide opportunity; which, I hadn't even begun to think of. It was such a small amount of money compared to the real value of my mother. It couldn't ever replace what I lost; money couldn't buy those faded memories…

"I'm going to gamble with mine…" Edward grinned…his demeanor shifted entirely; surprising.

"What?!" I almost snorted; he had to be kidding…

"This is an opportunity I would have never had if it weren't for my father…"

"Exactly…So do something important with it." I mused aloud.

"I'm going to invest some of it… Travel, whatever… If I run out of money, then I'll grow up and be an adult." He admitted, certain.

"Oh, that's a plan there… pure genius…" I scoffed.

"At least I'll have a financially secure friend to borrow from…" He raised a brow in my direction; I couldn't help but laugh.

"I don't think you'll be able to afford my interest rates…" I teased.

.

.

* * *

_Losing interest…_

_Gaining interest…_

_Teetering on the edge…_

* * *

.

.

We'd went back home after our parents left for work. Edward called in for me from my house and I returned the favor at his place. The response from the receptionist sounded legit; I was fairly certain we'd get away with ditching school.

Time would tell…And the first few hours were the worst. Edward tried to distract me by sharing some of the pages from his half of our written conversations. We shared a few laughs, teased each other; eventually everything flowed smoothly…easy.

Until the silence filled the air like a thick smog… I realized quickly I were perhaps a bit naïve to believe Edward brought me up to his room just to look over those pages…

When his lips first brushed mine I was eager; and then so nervously paranoid…About what; I didn't know…Until I felt his hand on my left breast. Startled; I jumped back upon realizing I was definitely getting more than I bargained for. I zipped my jacket all the way up…concealing the curves Edward yearned to touch.

"I'm sorry…" Edward apologized for my reaction; he looked too confused to sincerely be sorry for his actions.

"I'm going to need at least three Lexapro before you're ever going to slide toward second base." I tried to make light of the situation; but it was brutal fucking honesty.

"Wow, that bad…" His brows furrowed, he shook his head…he was reading it all wrong; letting me hurt him.

"It's not you, it's…" I tried to console him; take it back.

"me…" He finished my statement, scoffing in disbelief.

"That's a cop out and you know it…" He spoke roughly, irritated; I figured I was about three seconds from being asked to leave…

"My anxiety is real; real to me anyway… It consumes me - makes me ridiculously fucking paranoid over the dumbest shit." I admitted; unsure if what I said made any sense at all…

"You really think I would…hurt you…" Edward hissed. He didn't understand…

"No, but the anticipation of what you could do to me; you drive me crazy." I blurted, rambling…

"And you smell really good, almost all of the fucking time…" I admitted; why did I just say that?! Shut up already!

"Almost all of the time?" He smiled; I was melting. Why the fuck did he have to be so cute?

.

.

* * *

_Do I have your love?_

_Am I still enough?_

* * *

.

.

We spent the afternoon getting high and watching movies. I was trading my prescribed medication for illegal drugs… It definitely didn't compare to the Lexapro. Smoking pot made me paranoid and then a bit later, sleepy enough to be able to relax comfortably with Edward. It was an odd sense of therapy. Making me face my anxiety head on, to later comfort me after putting me through hell.

It seemed to have a completely different effect on Edward. He was a little sillier than usual, more easy going and open. We kissed a little and were reminded of the time when Elizabeth arrived home from work to get a start on dinner. Edward and I retreated; back to feigning the other had leprosy and Edward shifted into tutor mode…

Dinner was pretty quiet, I was so tired. Edward was looking a little rough around the edges too. After last nights dinner; I think we were all content with saying nothing rather than too much. It was as if the incident never happened; a content silence.

We said our goodbyes; at least I did… Charlie stuck around to help Elizabeth clean up.

I threw my books in the corner of my room before plopping into my chair beside the window. I was so tired, yet a part of me was still anxiously eager to see if Edward would come up. Armed with my He-Man; Masters of the Universe, walkie talkie…

As if on cue, he entered his room a few minutes later. Stretching before his window as he peeked out to see if I was there; I smiled meeting his gaze.

I'd had a few minutes to prepare my little speech as I waited; it was simple. I held up the walkie- talkie and waited for him to grab his.

"I'm locking my window." I warned. I couldn't risk him coming over to find it locked and possibly falling from the damn tree or getting shot by Charlie.

"I'm calling…" His voice echoed through the static. My phone was ringing before he'd raised the receiver on his cordless phone to his ear. I reached over and grabbed my phone off the nightstand.

"Still got me on speed-dial?" I smiled, staring him down through the glass.

"Yeah, If there's a fire my house is set to dial you. 9-1-1 is easier to remember…" He quipped.

"Caller; what's the emergency..?" I teased.

"My best friend keeps trying to lock me out…" He grinned, tracing a finger on the glass as he called me out. His beautiful laugh then lulled through the receiver.

"For your own good… You still don't know what's good for you." I laughed.

"Does that mean you don't like my new glasses?" He turned from the window, leaning toward his desk. I had a slim view of his back. When he returned he was wearing these cheesy light up glasses, ridiculously priced amusement park fanfare. I couldn't help but laugh. The lights twinkled blue, green, and gold.

"You're a dork.." I laughed.

"…You still love me." He teased.

"Yeah, because dorks are hard to come by these days…" I laughed harder when he wrinkled his nose while wearing those ridiculous glasses. He removed the glasses and tossed them on his bed; where they continued to twinkle in all their cheesy glory…

"Don't lock me out." He whined… I didn't fail to notice how cute Edward could be when he wanted something. I could remember a time when it had little to no effect on me; _what was he doing to me?_

"I promise I won't come tonight…I just need to know you'll always let me in." He pleaded; the tone of his voice was haunting. As if it stretched dauntingly from the dark place he tried so desperately to hide; for my sake.

_In case of emergency, break glass. _I left the window lock unlatched.

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

**~End Chapter 6 - Tortured Touch**

Thanks for dropping by!


	7. Chapter 7 Tortured Junk

** "Boy next door…"**

.

.

**~Chapter 7 - Tortured Junk**

.

I'm on the corner, waiting for a light to come on,  
That's when I know that you're alone  
It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground  
Special unspoken without sound

You told me you loved me, that I'd never die alone  
Hand over your heart, let's go home  
Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs  
I've always been known to cross lines

I've never ever cried when I was feeling down  
I've always been scared of the sound  
Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load  
I'm too young to feel this old

Is it you, is it me  
Or does nobody know, nobody see  
Nobody but me  
(Kings of Leon - Cold Desert)

.

.

Tuesday was spent playing catch up at school and then suffering through all of the make up work. I worked on my English homework while Edward managed to complete his work; plus my Geometry and History homework.

We took a break to get high before starting Biology. Edward was actually more book smart than I ever gave him credit for… Another one of his attractive dorky qualities…

There was nothing sexy about the division of cells; but I couldn't help but think of us. Us as in; what the hell were we doing? After Edward caught me distracted for the third or fourth time…

"What are we?" I blurted…

"Bipedal primates belonging to the species Homo Sapiens." Edward quipped without missing a beat. I was almost afraid to ask again; but Edward's faltering expression told me I wouldn't have to. He realized he'd answered the wrong question; I never really did give a damn about Biology…

"You're the only girl I've ever kissed…" Edward closed his book as he turned his head to give me his full attention. Smiling; he brushed his lips over my cheek. It was such a sweet moment; I tried hard not to call bullshit…

Elizabeth arrived just in time to end that conversation. We decided to head back to my place. It was my idea; to give us another hour…

.

.

…_And you're paralyzing me…_

_With lips of morphine…_

.

.

We were becoming more comfortable with the kissing. Every once in awhile, Edward's hands would make me nervous; riddle my anxiety. I knew Edward could sense my frigidness; he was always very compliant and full of apologies.

But not today; today he held me tighter than all of the days behind us… Willing me to feel safe and secure within the warmth of his arms as his lips and tongue made their journey from my mouth to my neck…

His movements were slow, yet his breathing were ragged. My disorders were definitely testing his patience as he continued to lead me to the very limits of mine. I could only gasp at the next milestone of exploration with Edward. It both terrified and excited me at once. Reminding me how sexually repressed I was, fearful of the unknown; but damn it felt so good…

"Edward…" I gasped, my tone was more breathy than I'd anticipated. He released a soft groan that bordered on a grunt as I writhed in his arms; absentmindedly grinding into his erection!

A flooding panic, moment of embarrassment; laced with enough anxiety to halt my breathing entirely.

"Mmm…breathe Bella…" Edwards tone laced the edge of my ear with a slow fluid sweep of his tongue. Setting my body on fire one inch at a time. Torn with the idea of stopping; all the while hoping he'd grind back into me…

"Make me feel good…" I hadn't realized the extent of what I were asking; too embarrassed to be blunt and specifically ask for what I wanted.

"You sure?" Edward hissed along my neck in quick uneven breaths.

"Maybe, before I change my mind…" I exhaled, closing my eyes… Focusing on the slow burn of my body over the emergency brake in my head; that was just begging to be pulled by the anxiety that ridiculed me relentlessly.

Edward had apparently sprouted wings at the sound of the lock turning. He had flown off the couch and was already greeting Charlie at the door; before I'd opened my eyes and made sense of what the fuck just happened. _Where did the time go? _Charlie was looking for me by the time I sat up; his expression was entirely too curious. I didn't feel like answering any questions…

"We should probably get going…" I nodded, clasping my hands in front of me as I rose from the couch; to stop my fingers from nervously fidgeting.

"Yeah, dinner should be ready…" Edward spoke rushed, as if we were already late. His breath no longer ragged with anticipation, but fear… He'd already ran out as I rounded Charlie to make exit.

"You're grounded…" Charlie scolded, reminding me.

"I know…" I muttered quietly, moving toward the door. Edward was right; what more could Charlie do? Freedom was right around the corner; on the edge of seventeen…

"Bella, wait…" The familiar rattle caught my attention, I froze. He lacked confidence and truthfully; so did I.

"Dad, I can't…I'll come to you." I promised… I didn't trust myself, not yet.

"Take them and you won't be grounded anymore…Try with all my might; I can't keep you unless you let me. It won't be long until you're eighteen…" Charlie practically recited the logic Edward had given me as he forced the vial of medication into my hand. More than that, he reminded me of my struggles. He couldn't keep me unless I let him, and in his eyes I was still slipping away…

I've been clinging to my mother's memory for as long as I can remember. Clinging to someone who couldn't help me; gone, with the blind faith that everyone living would be there, as if they could forever wait and halt even the unexpected. It made me think of the people I should value most in life; those I had often left dangling. Frozen on the doorstep with tears in my eyes… The reality was I couldn't handle anymore death. I couldn't handle losing… I couldn't live with myself if life ended up being one regret after another. I need to live; for myself, and love like the wind.

.

.

_The best things in life…are indescribable…_

_Wild as the wind…_

_Wild as the wind is…_

_Wild as the wind is love._

.

.

Our parents tried to convince us to join them for bingo. Charlie more so than Elizabeth; he even seemed hesitant to leave. We were reminded to behave as they said their goodbyes before heading off to Tuesday bingo. I wished Charlie good luck; shared a kiss on the cheek, before moving into the den after locking the door. Edward was tight on my heels...

He tinkered with the DVD player for a few moments; before he'd mustered the courage to flip the fuck out on me…

"You were crying…and you're fucking rattling again…" He stammered, so angry he couldn't speak straight. Still his tone was low; as he tried to conceal the bitterness of his words…because beyond the anger, he was truly concerned.

"You can have them…" I admitted with a shrug. Slipping them out of my pocket, I set the prescription vial on the coffee table that divided us.

"Are you medicated now?" Edward seethed; reaching for the prescription. "Zoloft" He muttered under his breath.

"No…" I was compliant; knowing Edward had every reason to be suspicious. I knew I didn't owe him anything; but I wanted to owe him everything.

"No?" Edward asked again; mocking my statement.

"The medication, the drugs…it's just a fog; under the haze - the problems are all still there. Burying them is only temporary; it doesn't make them go away…" I admitted.

"I made you cry?" Edward asked, hurt; turning to pace even farther away from me.

"I'm seeing things through your eyes."

"…And you cry for me? Bella…" His tone was laced with the bitterness and the boldness of being two seconds away from calling bullshit on me again.

"You take my shit to appease me; with no reward in sight... I've done it time and again. You give me chance after chance to redeem myself… It's not you, it's…"

"Me…" Edward cut in, finishing my statement. Amusement in his tone, laced with the bitter laugh of disbelief. He turned to leave; presumably to go to his room. So fucking predictable…

"But…I'm going to fix that." I blurted, irritated; before he could walk out. Always hearing what he wanted to hear; I needed him to listen.

"You're going to want me; because I give you reason to. You're going to only need me; because I'll always be there. I'm going to live and treasure each day with you as if it were our last; because it very well could be. This isn't our end; everyday is a new beginning, a new adventure…"

.

.

_Take a peek and you can see the inner workings…_

_The nuts and bolts…_

_Beyond and into; the windows of the soul._

_DREAM_

.

.

My dream was so vivid…too vivid! I woke up in Edward's bed with a sheen of sweat beating at my brow; completely lost to the darkness. His smell overwhelmed my senses, so pleasant, clean…a comforting scent you could wrap yourself in and be content with for life. I could be content with Edward…

I tried to make sense of the time gap. A moment ago I was arguing with Edward; in my head… I rolled over to find the sheets barren of Edward; the time glared bright from his alarm clock on the nightstand; two-thirty-nine… And then the toilet flushed… The bathroom door swung open, I watched Edward tip toe toward the bed; it was cute…

"What time is it?" I asked, my tone rattled groggy in my ears. Surely the time had to be wrong?

"Time to sleep…" Edward pulled his shirt over his head and began unbuttoning his jeans in the faint glow of light creeping from the bathroom. Nervous, intrigued, delighted, anxious; didn't even begin to describe my racing thoughts…intense, heated, fuck….

"I have to get home, Charlie's going to kick my ass…" I hissed; rolling the comforter down. I began my crawl to the edge of the bed with only the faint glow of Edward's night light shining from behind him to guide me. Edward's hand caught my arm; pausing my efforts to escape.

"Charlie hasn't checked; I watched…" Edward noted calmly, removing his hand from my arm to run it along his jaw. I leaned back on my heels, more confused than ever; the familiar rattle in my pocket sent me over the edge. Didn't I give them to Edward already? _Just a dream… _I tore the vial from my pocket…

"Take them…Don't ask me if I've taken any; because I honestly don't know…" I admitted. Edward took the vial from my hand before drifting deeper into the darkness, until his desk light came to life; exposing him for what he was, absolutely gorgeous in his underwear…

I wasn't sure if he was startled by the sudden blinding light or what he were reading on the prescription label, his jaw remained agape as he shuffled the contents out onto his desk. His fingers darting out to catch the stray pills that tried to run off during the pour. I watched quietly, curious - as he counted out the pills from one pile into another…

"This is all you have?" Edward asked; concerned…

"Yeah, that's all of them." I admitted. I watched as Edward cleaned up the pills; dropping them back into the plastic cylinder before replacing the locking cap.

"Until you get better at hiding them…" He retorted, before he leaned into his desk, running his hands over his face.

"I'll give you two minutes of truth." I crawled to sit on the corner of the bed, swinging my feet over the edge to sit up properly.

"Fine, where did you get these?" Edward asked..

"You know the rules; turn around." I noted…Edward softly shook his head; but he obliged and faced forward at his desk.

"Charlie gave them to me before dinner; that's everything." I admitted.

"Why did you think you might have taken them? They're all here…" I watched Edwards shoulder move as his hand reached for the vial; he was studying it again.

"I couldn't remember how I got here…I mean I know; but I don't remember much since our parents left for bingo…" I admitted, truthfully. I locked my hands together and buried them in my lap, lacing my fingers to try to contain the fidgeting.

"I turned the movie on and you were asleep by the time I came back with the snacks…" Edward noted.

"Did you want to take them?" Edward scoffed; as if he already knew the answer.

"No, I refused. Charlie insisted and gave them to me. I didn't trust myself then…" My answer seemed to satisfy him.

"Why were you crying earlier? You came to dinner… Did Charlie make you cry?" Edward didn't miss a beat, making full use of his two minutes of pure honesty. Sorting his thoughts as he questioned me quickly.

"I couldn't handle the thought of losing you…" I admitted, my speech so fast it almost mimicked Edward's.

"I was walking out on Charlie, not you. I figured it was our best option… Charlie didn't mention anything about it; did he?" Edward asked, he'd almost turned to look at me, but caught himself.

"No, I know. I…" I didn't want Edward to think he'd made me cry; I made myself cry - such a fucking loser… Edward cut me off, he was on his game and his two minutes were almost up.

"Do I make you feel good or do I give you the creeps…? Sexually." His tone was amusing; he sounded so certain of his question when he started, his tone was bold and then it shifted to insecure and embarrassed.

"You need to ask?" I fucked with him, it was hard not to laugh. This question caught me by surprise…

"It's my two minutes, I can ask whatever the hell I want. Answer." Edward's tone was stern; pushing for the answers he desired.

"It's good…" I admitted, sheepishly.

"Elaborate…" Edward insisted…

"It's like a fire, a slow burn…that wants more wood to burn; always wanting…" I had to laugh at myself when I realized how horrible I was at describing…_What was the question again?_

"And you call me a dork…" Edward interrupted me with his grumble, obviously my answer wasn't as clear as he anticipated.

.

.

_Earth to Edward_

_Didn't you get the memo in like second grade?_

_If a girl calls you a rather harmless insult…_

_She likes you…_

_I like you; Edward._

_And I intend to make better use of my two minutes…_

.

.

"Turn around or look me in the eye; I have nothing to hide, but it's my turn to look at you and I'm not forfeiting that... " He quipped as he shifted his chair to face me, our knees nearly knocked as he adjusted himself; so close…

"How many girls have you slept with?" I retorted, calling his bluff.

"Just you…" He folded his arms across his chest, not seeming the least bit nervous with where this was going. _Maybe I should turn around?_

"I meant…" Staring at him in his underwear, so damn sure of himself, cocky even; he had me flustered.

"I know what you meant. That's my answer." I wasn't satisfied with his answer; because it wasn't true. I rose from the corner of the bed and reached over to turn off his desk light, I was done.

When Edward pulled me down into his lap to straddle him; a part of me wanted to push him away and call him a dick… And every other part was molding like warm candle wax; putty in his hands. Calling me; like a master to a slave, I was all too eager to please him.

"Mmm, I like the dark… Next question?" Edward thought I was still playing…

"Elaborate…" I requested, my tone nearly a gasp as his hands found the curve of my back to draw me closer.

"About the dark?" Edward leaned forward, the press of his chest met mine and his erection were now completely apparent even through the fabric of my jeans.

"Tell me something true…" I spoke flustered; frustrated… Content that he couldn't see the ten shades of red rising in my cheeks.

"You're the only one Bella." His tone sent chills up my spine, so close I could feel his warm breath brushing along my ear. It wasn't until he ground into me; that I'd realized I'd been holding my breath, for how long I don't know… The sound that came with it; startled me. A sigh? A moan? Embarrassing….

"The only one that's ever been in my bed, and the only one my wood wants to start a fire with... Some chick named Becky once licked my neck at a party; but that's it." He confessed; too much!

"What?" _Who was Becky? _Edward laughed softly, brushing his lips against my ear.

"She was on something, went around licking everyone at the party." Edward reminisced, his amused tone told me I had to be there to understand how hilarious it really was; because I just didn't see the humor.

"Did you like it?" I blurted…Then immediately felt stupid for asking. Of course he probably liked it; I certainly enjoyed it when he licked my neck…

"It was different…" He admitted. Now he was squirming… In this position; I liked making him squirm; a lot.

"What about Tanya…or that Emily girl…?" I wondered if there were anymore names he'd mentioned that I might have forgotten…More that he hadn't told me about? Why was it killing me to know? Why didn't he ask these types of questions?

"Nothing; I might have tried to kiss Emily if my mom weren't there…" He laughed softly, I wanted to smack him for being too honest. If he were being honest?

"Why did you ask me if you came off creepy?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"I figured with me practically dry humping you like an animal every time we kiss; eventually it might get a little awkward…" His hands trailed down my back, loosening their hold; as he leaned back into the chair.

"And here I thought it was because you were always breaking into my room." I noted; reminding him that had to stop.

"Not true; you rarely locked you window… And I've never, not while in your room; not even with myself." His chest rattled under my hands to the rhythm of his laugh. He definitely found my questioning amusing; but the moments of truth were fleeting.

"I didn't think I needed to lock it… My two minutes are up." I admitted, reluctantly. Entirely fascinated with the extent of his admittance. My imagination, including my dreams; had grown more vivid without the haze of the medication… Edward touching himself; just not in my room…

"You don't have to… And I'll give you two more minutes if you take off your jeans…"

.

.

_And I intend to make better use of these two minutes…_

.

.

"Thanks, they were killing my junk…" Edward quipped. I had to laugh at his use of the word junk. When I slid down his lap, Edward groaned…before he'd practically locked himself down to the chair.

"Ah, the friction…" Edward's tone was almost a squeal; back pedaling from his request.

"Do I make you uncomfortable?" I asked, quietly. I felt like we were catching leprosy again…

"It's better; so much better…" His words were sharp and tense.

"It is?" I sheepishly asked before grinding into him; to see for myself. I could feel the warmth of him, a firmer outline…through our cotton fabrics; divided by thin undergarments.

"Mmm…it is." I blurted. Wanting to reach over and turn the light back on to get a clear view of his face; but knowing I'd have never taken off my jeans without the comfort of the dark. A blanket to hide from majority of the anxiety; that lived in the light.

His hand raised, dragging up my back as he pulled me closer until he found the back of my neck. I fumbled in the dark trying to find his lips. His other hand came up, moving my hair off my neck before I felt his lips brushing along the sensitive area where he'd cleared away my hair. Shamelessly; I'd ground into him. I exhaled sharply; Edward groaned into my neck.

"I love you…" I wasn't sure what context Edward said it in; I didn't dare ask… My lips found skin and I kissed along the softness of what I eventually figured out what his shoulder. When I found his neck he'd lowered his hands to guide himself up my center as he ground back into me. _Take that Becky!_

As fearful as I once was about losing the whole virginity thing; I had heard it all. Mostly from Rosalie talking a little too loud with Alice in the hall time and again. I'd already made up my mind, I'd go as far as Edward would lead me; in the dark…

Edward ground into me a few more times before he stammered incoherently; he rose from the chair forcing me to stand with him. I'd almost fallen backwards, but he managed to steady me as he passed. Slipping from my hands, he ran off toward the faint light emitting from the bathroom. Confused; I crawled over the bed; allowing my eyes to follow him.

I wasn't sure I were seeing things my eyes were intended to see; but he didn't close the door… With one hand on the wall for support; Edward was leaning over the toilet, stroking himself. Vivid imagination seeks reality - Edward touching himself; not in my room, but his bathroom…

The flame within was still yearning to be fed; my skin pulsed with the heat of coals begging to be raked. He caught my gaze as he moved over to the sink… Startled - and a little embarrassed…

"I should get going…" I turned away, to roll off the bed and find my jeans. Just as I was about to reach over the edge of the bed to try to find them; Edward was bouncing at my back. He latched onto my shoulders, gripping me firmly with his hands.

"I'm sorry…I don't know what the etiquette is…" Edward admitted, apologetic. Quickly brushing away the hair from my neck; his lips moved in once again…

"Is this your way of telling me not to go…" I laughed softly.

"I still owe you two minutes…" He murmured along my neck.

"I thought your two minutes were over." I teased; still surprised that a brief dry humping session could have that effect on Edward…

"Such a comedian…Get under the covers." Brushing off my commentary; he crawled back toward the headboard, dragging the covers down on the other side of the bed. I watched as he climbed in…

He reached for my arm to pull me back in; throwing the covers over our heads before I could even consider turning away.

"We don't have to do anything; just stay with me…" Edward pleaded softly; his legs shifted over to tangle with mine as he moved in closer. In the quiet stillness; it was all too apparent… That when the sun would rise; this might be entirely awkward…

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 7 - Tortured Junk**

Thanks for dropping by!


	8. Chapter 8 Tortured Memories

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

* * *

**~Chapter 8 - Tortured Memories**

* * *

.

.

Who can say where the road goes,  
Where the day flows?  
Only time...

And who can say if your love grows,  
As your heart chose?  
Only time...

Who can say why your heart sighs,  
As your love flies?  
Only time...

And who can say why your heart cries,  
When your love lies?  
Only time...

Who can say when the roads meet,  
That love might be,  
In your heart.

And who can say when the day sleeps,  
If the night keeps all your heart?  
Night keeps all your heart...

Who can say if your love grows,  
As your heart chose?  
Only time...

And who can say where the road goes,  
Where the day flows?  
Only time...

Who knows?  
Only time...

Who knows?  
Only time...  
(Enya - Only Time)

.

.

I waited until Edward's breathing grew to be; but a quiet comforting sigh in the darkness. Making my escape was no easy feat, tangled in his heavenly embrace. My head, logic, and anxiety; were all screaming at me to head home, before Charlie could take notice. My heart; it wanted to stay, for all the reasons Edward made me feel good. The way he looked at me; a convincing stare, that told me everything would be alright. Yet our words were sometimes worlds apart; lost even.

It was no longer in print; it had come to life… Edward said those three words.

In my room; I stared quietly over those several pages Edward had given me; unable to sleep. _I love you… _-in Edward's pen.

My head and my heart were in two different places. My head wanted to know where we stood; logically, were we even dating? My heart didn't seem to mind; who needs a title, a label, a name?

.

.

* * *

_This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time._

_But…_

_I don't have many friends…_

_And you're the only one I can talk to._

* * *

.

.

"It feels passionate; intimate…but we're friends..." I leaned into the side of my truck; confessing more than I should to Alice. I needed a girlfriend, but more importantly - I needed one I could trust. I think everyone said a silent prayer before every conversation with Alice; you just never knew what she would or wouldn't tell.

"You haven't been friends for a long time Bella…" Alice scoffed; clutching tighter to the binder in her arms.

"We're friends again…" Rolled off my tongue. Were we? Are we?

"That's not what I mean… It's been the giant elephant in the room since we started high school. It's amusing; everyone sees it but you." Alice shook her head at me before her smile lit up her entire face; it always extended to reach her eyes.

"Maybe I see it now…" My tone rang confused, even in my own ears.

"I don't know, we've always been good friends." I blurted, flustered. Alice was being a good friend as far as listening; but she never told me what to do - even when I desperately wanted her to.

"Best friends." Alice nodded solemnly.

"Alice, you know I love you." I blurted. We'd been friends long before Edward ever came into the picture. We had play dates in diapers, before we could even correctly pronounce the others name.

"I know, but I'm no Edward…" Alice laughed.

"It's so confusing… Why doesn't he just ask me if that's what he wants?" I grimaced, shoving my hands into my pockets for warmth.

"Surround yourself in something beautiful; and it's the one label that never really goes out of style." Alice spouted with a soft giggle.

"We're not comparing Edward to a pair of shoes." I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Why not? There's nothing wrong with enjoying your investment." Alice grinned. The warm press of lips upon my cheek startled me. I gasped, Edward appeared as if out of thin air.

"I would have given you a ride…" Edward spoke with amusement; brows slightly raised as his gaze darted between Alice and I. I'm sure my expression appeared a mix of shock and annoyance that Alice didn't at least warn me.

.

.

* * *

_You are what I never knew…_

_I always wanted…_

* * *

.

.

Distracted; my thoughts were clouded with so many questions. Why didn't Edward want an Alice of his own? Someone beautiful inside and out; with fashion sense. I wanted that for Edward. Why couldn't I uphold those expectations for myself?

I kept catching Edward stealing glances in Biology. His elbow would drift in an out from reaching my side; giving me a few gentle pokes to startle me back to reality. Where Kudla scribbled on the board in chalk lines so faint; I could hardly read them. I couldn't even remember Kudla's morning speech… I knew he had to have given one; he was never laid back enough to forget.

"Page one-forty-two…" Edward exhaled in but a whisper. It was then that I really looked around; everyone already had their books open. Quickly I flipped open my book, scrambling to find the suggested page. Chapter Fifteen - Life in the Water: Aquatic Ecosystems. Reading the title had me exhausted… I hate Biology…

When the bell rang; Edward made a quick exit. I lazily wandered out; one of the last to escape. Alice caught me in the hall…

"Long weekend; sleep over?" Alice asked in the midst of my efforts to open my locker. She was bubbling with enthusiasm… In which I forgot the combination to my lock and had to start over.

"Uh…When?" I pulled out my English book, before forcing my Biology book into the mess; hastily closing the locker door before anything could slide out.

"Tonight?" Alice bounced at my side. "I'll tell my mom I'm staying over." The warning bell rang, sixty seconds to get to class. Plenty of time…

"Alice…" I groaned, knowing exactly what she meant. Solitary confinement would suit me just fine; as long as I had a view of Edward. The sum of my life… Had already run out by the end of first period.

"I'll give you a call after school." Alice smiled before skipping off to class. Again the press of lips fell upon my cheek, as I caught glimpse of unruly coppery brown strands; Edward.

"Impeccable timing…" I laughed softly.

"Just in time to walk you to class." He snatched my English book and binder from my hands before I could protest and headed down the hall.

"We're going to be late." Edward tilted his gaze back; reminding me of the time as he pressed on. I hurried; catching up with his pace.

"I used to be that exception." I teased, mocking his infamous guilt trip.

"I've got three, maybe four more Saturdays to spare…" I watched the wheels in his head spin as we neared Art class.

"We're going to class." I laughed, snatching my books from his hands. The bell rang right on cue. We weren't the only ones running behind; most hadn't been seated. I went with my assigned table. A lot of students rotated; I was intent on not fucking this up. I needed that D for effort. Have pity on me and don't fail me…

.

.

* * *

A person who asks a question is a fool for five minutes.

A person who doesn't is a fool forever.

* * *

.

.

Lunch was becoming routine. I'd seat myself at the table while Edward retrieved our lunches. Art was painful and English wasn't much better. I constantly felt like I was almost within reach of saving myself from drowning and two seconds from going under. I wasn't sure if that feeling would ever go away on its own; without my medication to take the edge off. For now I was managing as best I could; trying not to let it drive me crazy…

"You've been quiet." Edward noted, sliding into the chair across from me as he lowered our trays onto the table. Breaded chicken, canned peaches, and fries… Cold cans of coke; lunch.

"I'm always quiet." I grabbed the can of Coke from my tray and popped the tab.

"Not this quiet." Edward took a glance around the lunchroom before shoveling a small handful of fries in his mouth. I pondered for a moment if he'd eat just about anything; he never passed on lunch and they were always pretty fucking gross.

"What do you want me to say?" I sipped my soda as I watched Edward begin to devour his lunch.

"I don't know. How was your day, or how was your evening if you prefer?" He laughed, mildly amused, scoffing at his own words.

"Definitely prefer the night." I smiled, but Edward couldn't even bring himself to make eye contact with me. Already his cheeks were tinged with a hint of color. He choked on his next bite…

"That stuff will kill you." I noted calmly. He smacked his chest, coughing.

"One way or another…" He popped the tab on his can of Coke and took a long drink before discarding it on his tray.

"Are you going to the beach-house this weekend?" Edward threw it out there; so casually.

"I've been thinking about it…. With Saturday detention; Charlie probably wouldn't let me go." School was miserable enough; I wasn't sure I wanted to throw myself into even more gatherings with my peers. Still; I felt better knowing Edward was invited.

"Just tell him Alice has Saturday detention too; then he'll know that you'll go." Edward persisted.

"What if he calls? I don't know…" I shrugged.

"If any parents make the call, we're all going down. I'm spending the weekend at Mike's." Edward laughed.

"Come, live a little." He insisted; the conversation died. I studied Edward as he finished his lunch; pondering the weekend. _Live a little_…

.

.

* * *

Live a little…

_Love a little…_

Before you can truly live, you must first learn to love…

* * *

.

.

I drove myself home. More exhausted mentally, than physically; I decided to take a nap. I had a schedule all planned out in my head. Nap, dinner, homework, time with Edward. Making plans seemed to be helping ease my anxiety issues.

Instead Charlie woke me up around seven thirty; I'd missed dinner… There was no sign of Edward; homework could wait. I needed routine, yet I had only myself to blame for my failures…

"I have training this weekend. I'll be leaving Friday morning and should be home by Sunday evening. I'll call." Charlie seemed really anxious. It was almost as if he were excited. Usually he complained about traffic and having to be away, lousy cheap motel rooms or shared quarters…

"If you're leaving Friday, why are we talking about this now?" _Wednesday night_…

"Alice left a message, aren't you going over there tonight?" Charlie responded; surprised.

"I haven't decided." Alice already made plans for me!?

"I think you should go." He pressed a kiss atop my head and handed me a sheet of memo paper with emergency numbers and cash to order out.

.

.

* * *

You should go…

_You should know better._

…_Almost eighteen…_

* * *

.

.

Just before ten, Edward came home. I was a mix of emotions; that I wanted to avoid. Charlie went out; after I agreed to pack for Alice's. I'd packed, but hadn't even moved to go. I figured it was too late to call her back, I certainly didn't want to get her in trouble if she was supposed to be at my house…

Edward's light came on… The phone rang and I nearly fell off the bed. Torn with whether to answer or not. Was it Edward? Charlie? Alice? I didn't want to disappoint Charlie before his trip; give him reason to think he had to stay home for my sake. He needed this, I needed this.

I grabbed my bag, turned out the lights, and headed downstairs to grab my jacket and keys. It had rained on and off all day; most of the snow had melted. The yard was a soggy mess; sinking beneath my feet with every step toward my truck.

I turned the key and the engine rattled to life, the belt squealed…waking every dog in the neighborhood. My truck was a piece of shit, but it was reliable or rather predictable. Certain sounds meant it was about to die and others were completely normal and made me thankful the fucker started.

I gave it a moment to warm up; waiting for when the vibrations of the engine would settle to a steady hum. The latch on the passenger door clicked before the rusted panel of the door rattled; I'd met Edwards gaze beyond the glass before he managed to open the door. He looked…confused, angry?

"Where are you going at this hour? You didn't answer the phone, you were home..." He climbed into the passenger seat before I could protest…or invite him in.

"I figured it was Charlie." I admitted.

"What happened with Charlie?" He asked, in a calmer level of concern.

"Nothing, I promised him I'd go to Alice's.."

"You're driving to La Push at this hour?" Edward shook his head as he reached over to cut off the engine; coming away with my keys. I was caught completely off guard by his action. It wasn't as if I had been drinking or anything…

"It's not that far, it's not that late…" I tried to protest; _defend myself_.

"Wait until tomorrow." Edward insisted.

"I can't, I told Charlie I was going tonight. If there's a change in plans; he'll think I'm lying to appease him."

"That's fucked up…" Edward gave a little laugh. We both knew how my father could be; he definitely lived up to his sheriff title.

"Well….Then leave him a note so he knows Alice picked you up; and then come over. " The door popped and rattled as he made his exit.

"Edward…err, Alice" I called out; before he could get away.

"Bella…" A smug smile danced on his lips as he lowered his head to peer into the passenger side door; so sure of himself…probably because he had my keys.

"I need my keys to get back inside…" I noted.

"Which key is it?" Edward's gaze lowered to my keys in his hand; already trying to decipher which it were.

"Just give me my keys…" He was trying to be cute and I was trying my hardest to let him know it wasn't working. _It was working…_

.

.

* * *

_We only part; to meet again…_

* * *

.

.

I left a note for Charlie; taped to the front door, just to make sure he saw it. Edward had control of my keys, he let me in and even after I wrote the note…still wouldn't give me back my keys!

"It's late, shouldn't we be sneaking in?" I had a sinking feeling we were going to get busted; entirely paranoid. Edward strolled inside, toward the staircase. Afraid; I waited just inside the door.

"Come upstairs; there's something I want to show you." Edward looked at me quizzically from the stairs. I think my expression read clearly that I was about to shit my pants.

"She isn't home, she's at the school board meeting, convention, or some charity event. She'll be back Sunday." His speech rattled off his tongue; blowing off my concern entirely. I stepped inside, closing the door behind me.

When the door closed, everything came bubbling to the surface. An entirely different panic…Reliving my thoughts, an entire day in three seconds.

"You coming?" Edward's voice echoed down the stairwell, startling me back to life. I went upstairs to find him leaning over a gray portfolio strewn across his bed. I couldn't help but wonder where he had been. He occasionally had plans that didn't include me; reminding me how pathetic I was in comparison.

"Earlier; where were you?"

"You mean; what did I do today?" He wore a silly self satisfied smirk…

"Same question…" I brushed him off. I wasn't jealous if that's what he were imposing, _never… _

"Did I do something wrong today?" His expression furrowed with concern, his breath hitched in his throat as if he were experiencing his very own three seconds of déjà vu. Recounting the moments we'd shared since last night.

"No. Am I being bitchy?" My tone clearly read of my lack of strive in life; however dull it may be. This was me, un-medicated; normal? I watched as Edward zipped the portfolio closed…

"I need a smoke…" Edward grabbed his jacket off the desk chair and headed out; I followed, unsure of what just happened. His pace was quick and I began to wonder why we were heading so far out into his back yard, why we'd even come outside at all… I prayed Charlie wouldn't come home in the next ten minutes. If nobody was home at Edward's place…? I'd watched Edward smoke from his window hundreds of times… I shoved my hands deep into my pockets and watched as Edward lit up.

"You want one?" He extended the open pack of cigarettes. I slipped a hand from my pocket, but before I could even reach the pack…

"You don't smoke cigarettes…" He slipped the pack back into his jacket pocket; staring at me quizzically.

"I'm a big girl, Edward." I noted, he wasn't being serious - was this really a test? Alright, so Edward was there the first and last time I smoked a cigarette; mostly because it made me sick. Still, the fascination was there to try again; if only to blend in.

"It's a bad habit…and then you'll smell like.." He started rambling…

"You…" I laughed softly.

"Yeah, like me…" He held the cigarette between his fingers at his side. Looking lost in thought, he hadn't taken but a single drag since we'd been out here.

"Why are we here?" I asked, making conversation.

"What?" Edward's tone was very abrupt; he sounded on edge…

"Nobody's home…Why did we come out here to smoke?" I stated the obvious.

"It's the second best view…" Edward started off so casually; before his breath hitched in his throat.

"Habit." He corrected himself.

"Finish what you were going to say…" I insisted.

"It's no secret anyway…" He laughed softly. His gaze lowered as he shuffled his feet across the wet pavement near the trash bins. _Second best view… _As I took in our surroundings, I realized Edward was referring to me watching him from my window.

"Now, I have to show you something…" He flicked his cigarette out into the alley, he sounded anxious. With a gentle push, he made me lead. Pressing his hand against my back as we climbed the stairs. Edward's enthusiasm was rubbing off on me; I was curious to see what he wanted to show me.

.

.

* * *

You show me everything.

_Within you I find myself_

_Within you I lose myself_

* * *

.

.

He shuffled around in his closet, coming away with a larger navy portfolio. I scooted over to the corner of the bed, giving him room to lay it out and open it.

After he opened it; he paused… The first image was a black and white sketch of main street. I knew Edward was in art class because he was talented, not shit out of luck. Edward began flipping through the pages, frantically, as if he were unsure…

"Slow down…" I asked, amused. If you're going to show me something, let me see it…

"I think I grabbed the wrong one." Edward turned and began rummaging through his closet again. Leaving me staring at a bold primary colored clown… I turned the page as Edward fought to pull out more navy colored portfolios.

The next page was smaller and curled by harsh strokes of colored pencil. A window, my window… It was even detailed with the sun, moon, and star sun catchers; that were once suctioned to the glass - _years ago_…

I turned the page… Beyond the window, me sitting at my desk with a pile of books at my feet in black and white. Chalk drawing?

"That's the one.." Edwards tone, reminded me I wasn't alone. The drawing was so well done, It brought me back to that moment. When the nights were long; silent. Edward looked nervous when I looked up to meet his gaze. He quickly discarded the portfolios in his hands to lean them against the closet door, before he came around to lean over the bed to resume flipping the pages.

The next image was drawn completely in blue pencil, a vibrant, almost electric blue that danced across the page with light feathering hand strokes. I was impressed; but sincerely doubted I looked that beautiful in sleep… Edward's hand trembled along the page.

"These are really good, beautiful. You know you're talented Edward." I tried to ease the tension radiating from him.

"You are beautiful; I thought you were going to think it was really weird…" He almost smiled.

.

.

* * *

I may be some sort of crazy…

_We may be some sort of crazy…_

* * *

.

.

"So this is like… your diary…" I smiled, flipping to the next page. I understood what Edward meant by the next image. The angle near the garage allowed him the second best view inside my window. All this time I thought I went unnoticed… The images were beyond compare; so impressed with his ability to draw from memory I was speechless.

"I don't want to scare you away; again…" Edward admitted. _Why? Because you do something productive with your stalking time other than just stalk? _I felt guilty, perhaps Edward pined for me more than I ever did him. I didn't have much to show for myself.

"What are we Edward? What am I to you?" I asked as Edward flipped the page, an image of me behind the sheer veil of my bedroom curtain. Shaded in browns and gold, so beautiful, it looked like an antique photograph. Captivated; it stole my breath before I raised my eyes to meet Edward's gaze.

"You are my everything…" Edward spoke slowly, as if he were afraid of the words he were speaking. His words were always perfect… so beautiful, they were sometimes lost on me.

"Are we friends, are we dating?" I was blunt.

"If you want to put a bullshit title on it and call me your boyfriend, go ahead." Edward's tone was harsh and filled with laughter, mocking me, as if I were being naïve and silly.

"Bullshit title?" I responded, to his statement; it definitely caught me off guard.

"Everything…. Bella, I'm all about the say what you mean and mean what you say lingo." He shrugged with a bluntness all his own.

"So if anyone asks, I'm supposed to tell them you're my everything?" I asked him, amused. It sounded so strange…

"If that's not what you want, we can just be friends." He stated calmly, before reaching forward to close the portfolio. I threw out my hand to stop him. There had to be at least fifty more pages and I wanted to see them.

"Why do you have to be difficult?" I taunted. Alice was right - some things just are not meant to be labeled.

"I'm not, I just know what I want." Edward retorted, pulling back his hand as if my touch alone had burned him.

"That's a good line, I'm going to use that." I teased.

"You probably have; I'm sure I've heard it from somewhere…" He quipped back, with a hint of a smile. Still he made no move from his strong stance beside the bed.

"Last night - when you said, when you told me.." I wanted to get one question right without Edward flipping it on me.

"I love you." He finished my statement; repeating himself.

"That, you said it again…" My tone read clearly of my surprise. Edward appeared to be the calm one over the matter.

"You love me like a…" _Friend? Sister? Cousin? More?_ All those jokes cracked over the years suddenly haunted me.

"As in; I hope one day you might say it back." His tone was amused; but he quickly grew quiet; lowering his gaze to stare at his feet. Giving me a glimpse of the boy…

_I loved you then… I still love you… I will always love you…._

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

**~End Chapter 8 - Tortured Memories**

Thanks for dropping by!


	9. Chapter 9 Tortured Thursday

**"Boy next door…"**

**.**

**.**

**.**

* * *

**~Chapter 9 - Tortured Thursday**

* * *

.

.

Find Me Here  
Speak To Me  
I want to feel you  
I need to hear you  
You are the light  
That's leading me  
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.  
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.  
You are the light; to my soul.  
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.  
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.  
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.  
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?  
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need  
You're everything, everything  
You're all I want you're all I need  
You're everything, everything.  
You're all I want you're all I need.  
You're everything, everything  
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?  
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?  
(Life house - Everything)

.

.

Edward changed the topic; deciding we should go watch a movie. I was going to say it - but there was a pause. Three words that could change everything and nothing… Dancing all over the line, neither of us could admit we crossed. I didn't look at Edward and think of us as a couple. Everything - could mean anything. Still; he was… My everything...

The movie, the latest horror flick. Jennifer's Body - it was creepy; not scary enough to hold Edward's attention. He had fallen asleep half way in. His body was slipping further and further behind me as he nuzzled into my shoulder. His nose nearly at my hair line, his breathing faint across my throat. A gentle tickle my hand would raise to catch time and time again; only to be relieved it was Edward and not something creepy crawly.

I woke Edward just before two in the morning, when the movie ended and I was bored of staring at the television screen, …gone blue.

.

.

* * *

_I don't know how I survived…_

_In this cold and empty world I'd meticulously built._

_For all this time; without you._

* * *

.

.

Upstairs; I couldn't help but notice that Charlie still hadn't made it home. Staring out the window was a habit. At home I stared to catch a glimpse of Edward… And now… Now, I was entirely paranoid about the view - my room; Edward's vision.

"Charlie hasn't made it home yet..?" I kept my back turned as Edward dressed for bed. It was amusing… from a distance not so far away - I wouldn't hesitate to look; gawk even. Sharing the same space brought on a tension that didn't exist in the safety of my room.

"Maybe he's got a hot date…" Edward quipped, I glanced over my shoulder to give him the look… That read clearly of my distaste on the subject. I hadn't missed watching him adjust the waistband on his pajama pants that were slung low on his hips. He laughed; turning, he came away with a clean white t-shirt from his drawer. Just thinking about Charlie dating; made me bitter.

"Yeah…And maybe it's your mom." I taunted as I turned to face him. Grabbing my bag, I unzipped it over the clutter of the bed. Portfolios scattered, some open - some closed. I tried not to interrupt Edward's work as I reached in for my toothbrush and pajamas.

"No… No way!" Edward blurted, laughing.

"She's the only woman he's gone on a date with; every Tuesday." I noted, brushing past Edward on my way to the bathroom.

"They're friends, they don't even hold hands…it's not a date." Edward was rationalizing from the other side of the bathroom door. I was fucking with him and now he was humoring the idea. His tone read that he were trying to convince himself it were an impossibility. I quickly changed into my blue plaid pajama bottoms and white t-shirt. Our sleepwear practically matched, Edward's bottoms were green.

"Neither do we.." I opened the bathroom door for Edward to come stumbling in; I hadn't realized he were leaning so intently on the other side of the door.

.

.

* * *

_Now; I don't know where I am,_

_I don't know where I've been;_

_But I know where I want to go…_

* * *

.

.

We brushed our teeth together at the sink in silence, stealing glances at each other in the mirror. I took the time to tie my hair up and wash my face as Edward cleaned off the bed. My sleep schedule was off; I was anything but tired.

"They're not, we'd know…" Edward protested my statement entirely as he pulled down the covers. Edward's bed was always made; although I'd never actually seen him make it.

"I never said they were." I noted; throwing my dirty clothes in my bag before dropping it to the floor and kicking it under the corner of the bed. Charlie didn't date, he wouldn't even know where to begin.

"So…I'm supposed to read into everything you're not saying." Impatient, Edward pulled my hand out from under me toward him; dragging me up into bed with him in one quick fluid motion.

"You want me to hold your hand?" Edward gazed at his hand clasped in mine; perhaps for a moment longer than he should. I wanted a commitment and now I was terrified of the actuality of it.

"Don't go all cheesy on me." When I met his gaze, the world was perfect. A soothing, calm… I never wanted to let go. Edward smiled, his chest even rumbled with a bit of laughter.

.

.

* * *

Baby mine, don't you cry

Baby mine, Dry your eyes

Rest your head close to my heart

Never to part, baby of mine

* * *

.

.

I woke in a startle, upon the loss of Edward's weight at my back. My eyes fled around the room to find him sitting at his desk. It was comforting not to wake to Edward watching me… I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth just to make sure I hadn't been drooling. No drool; whew…

In fact he seemed entirely distracted; dazed almost as he stared at an old childhood toy. Edward carried that recorder around for months; until it broke.

"Your room is always so clean and yet you save everything…" I teased, rolling the comforter down. "So, tell me Edward Masen; what's your secret?"

"Ah…Morning." His voice sounded scratchy and I could almost swear Edward looked as if he had been crying. I crossed the floor; leaning over to press my lips to his in a soft chaste kiss.

"Maybe, I can fix it…" I daunted, smiling as I grabbed the small player with the little microphone tucked neatly into the side… Edward stood so fast, his expression left me idly stepping back.

"I was going to tell you…" Edward blurted, extending his hands for the player. Sharply I pushed the big yellow play button on the recorder; static came to life from the tiny speaker…

"It isn't broken…" I was a bit flabbergasted.

"Bella… Please, let me explain first…" There was so much fear in his eyes; his tone so dry. My eyes were mesmerized by his lips and trying to decipher what he were really saying…

There was background noise, shuffling. Edward's small voice saying he was _going to get a glass of water_… My mother's voice; scolding him to _let the cookies cool_… Her voice was so much more vivid than the vague memory I clung tight to.

"We were snowed in. Your mom baked us cookies and we watched…" Edward tried to explain; as if I could have possibly forgotten.

"Dumbo." A flood of tears trailed down my cheeks before I ever felt them well in my eyes. I grit my teeth together to refrain from sobbing. The afternoon before her accident; our last day.

_Mom_, my small voice groaned… there was a mix of laughter. She'd crawled down on the floor to embarrass me in front of Edward. Singing along with the movie as she hugged me, trying to fit me into her lap as if she could still rock me like a baby. _Never to part, baby of mine. _She sang; her voice was so pretty and soothing when I wasn't irritated. It didn't sound this good then…

.

.

* * *

_Little one, when you play_

_Don't you mind what they say_

_Let those eyes sparkle and shine_

_Never a tear, baby of mine_

* * *

.

.

My immediate thoughts didn't include Edward; I wanted privacy…to be alone with my mother. To hole up in my room with only the sound of her voice blaring through the static...

"There's more…" Edward ran his hands over his face with a fierceness; but he couldn't hide his regret. I was so confused… He practically leapt around the corner of the bed, with quick bold jerky movements. Edward grabbed the gray portfolio from the closet, recklessly throwing it over his unmade bed. His hand was shaking so terribly, I thought he'd never get the zipper open.

A painting; a scene from my living room. Not just any scene, the very same that played on the recorder. My mother's complexion was flawless….and her eyes were so full of life. It was Edward's view from the hall as he came back with his water.

"She was so beautiful…" I mused aloud; raising a hand to wipe away the tears that kept running down my cheeks. Fuck, reality sucks.

"You have her eyes." Rolled from Edward's lips, before his breath hitched in his throat. He was calculating his words, searching my gaze…and I couldn't find the words. I didn't know whether to thank him or hurt him for the way my day started.

"I didn't mean for this to happen Bella. In my creative art class, we were given a project. There were so many other paintings - I didn't think I'd be chosen." Edward shook his hands at his side, defeated. That was when the anger began to bubble.

"So if it wasn't chosen…you wouldn't have…" I shook my head in disbelief.

"I don't know…" Edward blurted as tears welled in his eyes.

.

.

* * *

_If they knew sweet little you _

_They'd end up loving you too_

_All those same people who schooled you_

_What they'd give just for the right to hold you_

* * *

.

.

"I've considered it so many times." Edward turned away; ashamed. But it wasn't as if I'd never seen him cry. We were blubbering fools, listening to the recording of my mother over the perfect image of her on canvas. It was unbelievable - the quality, his memory, just everything about the painting; so perfect...perhaps too perfect. _Fuck, am I having another weird dream…?_

"I couldn't get that song out of my head. That lie has haunted me… I swear to you I didn't record it to make fun; I must have knocked it over..." Edward rambled, he was all over the place. What I would give to read his mind…

"So what were you chosen for?" I asked, curious. Tracing the outline of her hair as it brushed along her cheek on the canvas; as if I could push it away to reveal more of her image. The painting was a side view of her face as she cradled me toward her chest; with Dumbo on the television screen.

"A chance at a scholarship to the Art Institute in Chicago. It's a collaboration of music in art. Everyone else's projects are so modern. Guitars set a flame, keyboards, sheet music. I considered a new piece - this; it was so far out of the box; I turned it in hoping to get graded on effort alone. But…I invested too much time, not to finish it."

"You don't need a scholarship, Edward." I was almost laughing through the tears.

"I know… Bella, you have to know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I'm sorry…"

.

.

* * *

_From your head down to your toes_

_You're not much, goodness knows_

_But you're so precious to me_

_Sweet as can be, baby of mine_

* * *

.

.

So the painting was going to be set up at our local college; competing against other students in the area. Eventually it could possibly end up decorating a wall of the Art Institute; should Edward receive a scholarship. I didn't understand how Edward didn't see this as a good thing. I kept thinking perhaps I did something wrong.

I bailed on him to head home to shower, and cry mostly. But it was a good cry… Edward had given up his favorite toy at the time to save that recording. Held onto it; for a time when I could truly appreciate it.

He could have erased it… I wanted to share it with Charlie for all the wrong reasons. Knowing it would probably curb these new ideas he had about dating… Except Charlie never came home, my note was still attached to the door.

I shared my concerns with Edward, consumed with the fear that something probably happened to him. It wasn't like Charlie not to come home without a call…

Edward tried his best to comfort me on the trip to La Push. It didn't make me feel much better. I didn't need a babysitter and truly hoped I hadn't been holding Charlie hostage from going out and having fun. We decided to take off just before dusk; rather I held us behind.

"How come you're not excited about the scholarship? …Because it collides with your master plan of becoming a professional bum?" I joked, trying to ease the undeniable tension.

"I don't need a scholarship…" His tone hadn't changed; he was still trying to comfort me.

"Yeah, but don't you want the recognition at least? It's an honor…" I pushed valid points.

"Is that how you feel about it?" His gaze bore into me as he spoke; before shifting to dart back onto the road.

"Yeah…Why wouldn't I?" He looked so frigid behind the wheel. I couldn't help but wonder if he were mad at me… For leaving him, taking so damn long in the shower - If he were exaggerating being nice; when he really wanted to rip my head off. I'm really not that fragile… I can take it… Maybe…

.

.

* * *

Please don't cry for me.

When I needed you,

You were always there.

* * *

.

.

We arrived to find the party was a bust. Alice was fucking paranoid that the neighbors were going to call the cops; even though we could barely see their lights from the patio door. Everyone was sitting in the near dark; pretending nobody was home… Yet there were at least a dozen cars parked on the long winding drive…

Some were drinking, others smoking… most were already paired off in preparation for the room to fall pitch black. It was pathetic… A way to waste away a Thursday night.

"You want something to drink Bella?" Alice tried to play a good hostess. Everyone else seemed content with the lack of light, nobody was bitchy but me.

"Nah, I'm going to head home in a bit; just wanted to make sure everything was cool." I was lame. Alice skimmed past me, heading in the direction of the kitchen.

Edward wandered off to talk with Mike and a few others and I eventually caught up with Alice in the kitchen. She was baking frozen snacks that came out of black and white fancy decorative boxes. Probably something her parents ordered from some catalog… Serving wine - I wondered if Alice really knew who she was entertaining. Her effort was amusing.

"So, what's been going on with you and Edward?" Alice smiled, sliding a metal pan into the oven. I'm not sure what she was baking, they looked like triangle shaped pizza bites but they oozed green even prior to baking… Bleehhhh… _Maybe it's the poor lighting… Nah, definitely green… _My stomach argued with my thoughts; I couldn't remember the last time I ate…

"I tried to slap a label on him." I leaned into the counter, the darkness falling over us was making me sleepy; yawning…

"How'd that go?" She laughed softly…

"He didn't kick me out of bed; if that's what you're asking..." I tormented her with the slightest of details. She thrived on this sort of thing, already she was getting giddy.

"How was it?" She was grinning from ear to ear, her teeth practically glowed, in the dark shadows of the kitchen.

"He painted the most beautiful picture of my mother…" I wanted Edward to win, couldn't imagine him not snagging that scholarship. Though Edward didn't sound as convinced - as if he were trying to let me down easy.

"No, back to the bed…" Alice whimpered.

"Night Alice…" I pushed off the counter.

"Bella…" Alice scolded and I couldn't help but laugh…

"I'm not sitting in the dark Alice…" I grunted.

"Get on the pill or something…you're likely to get knocked up by his stare alone…" Her little speech made me laugh, until her eyes darted through the open door to rest on the party.

"Whatever you say, Alice…" My eyes locked onto Edward's - glowing brilliant green emeralds. I leaned against the wall beside the kitchen. A safe distance from those partying…or rather sitting in near silence. This party was lame as fuck…

A few moments later, we could hear furniture dancing over the floor above our heads… It quieted, except for a few stifled giggles. Then we heard Mike call out Tanya's name; and I was calling it a night with or without Edward.

.

.

* * *

How far do I have to go; to make you understand?

_I love you… _

* * *

.

.

"Are you mad at me?" Edward asked, concern is his tone.

"No…" I admitted; idly staring out the window… How could I be mad, he met me at the car within fifteen seconds; to leave.

"Come over?" What he was really saying; spend the night... So many thoughts were racing through my head. I couldn't help but reflect on the fact that Edward hadn't touched me since… I kissed him this morning. One step forward, two steps back, cha-cha.

It wasn't until we'd been driving in silence for awhile, that I realized I hadn't answered Edward's question.

"Yeah, sure…" I blurted. Edward kept looking over at me on the drive home, clouding my thoughts; or rather consuming...

"What do you do when your head and your heart are not in the same place? Which one do you follow?" I asked, consumed with nervous energy.

"That depends…" Edward paused.

"On what?" This ought to be interesting…

"Am I the head or the heart?" He rattled off with a smug smile.

"Touché…" And we're home! I'd forgotten how well Edward could read me. Unlatching my seatbelt, I hopped out of the car before he'd had the chance to put it in park. He caught up with me as I walked toward his house from the drive.

"Bella…" Edward murmured as he fought to shove his key into the lock.

"Well?" He held the door open for me.

"My heart; always…my heart." I blurted. Startled by my confession? Edward slammed the door closed. The sound of the door crashing caught him by surprise as he crossed the floor to meet me.

"It's only taken us… Mmm, A little over a decade…May I suggest you follow your heart?" Edward closed the small gap between us, taking my hands in his.

"A decade, huh…" Rolled off my lips, I couldn't help but giggle at Edward being his very own cheerleader.

"From the very first moment I saw you…" Edward admitted; my hands swayed over the pull of his. For the first time in a long time, Edward's nervous energy seemed so much greater than mine. He was just a boy…the boy I loved…

"Edward…" I warned him; in a tone that was anything but. He had a way of saying the sweetest, almost unbelievable things…

"Three days later I figured out your name was Bella…and six days after; you caught me peeping through the hedge…" He laughed…brushing his lips along my cheek.

"Edward…" He was definitely trying to be cute…

.

.

* * *

I don't want to go through this life

Without you by my side

And I got it all worked out

_In my head; here's how it has to be…_

* * *

.

.

Edward offered to pop in a movie. We took turns falling asleep often during our movie marathons; I'd started wondering if it was a real hobby or if it was just a safe option.

I admitted I was tired and by the time we'd made it up to Edward's room; I realized I hadn't left my bag, nor packed one to bring… The day kind of passed in a blur…

Edward so graciously offered up a pair of his pajamas, but the bottoms kept slipping down… So I settled for holding them up until I made it to the bed. Edward hadn't failed to notice my struggle... He snapped the waistband on his pajama bottoms a little harder than he expected. Even I could feel the sting of that one…

"What are you trying to do over there?" I teased, unable to contain my laughter.

"I could ask you the same…" His expression was blank, nearly stunned…

"I'm getting ready for bed." I smirked, pulling the covers up to conceal the bareness of my legs.

"Bella, it's just…you hardly touch me and then other times you're not wearing any pants…" He tossed out; before throwing a t-shirt on.

"You get all weird and tense when I touch you; you know that sickening feeling you get in the pit of your stomach…. When you wish the floor would swallow you whole."

"What?" Edward looked entirely confused…

"Yeah, that's the expression you wear…and you haven't touched me all day." I argued my point with my head glued to the pillow.

"How far is too far?" He asked, twisting his fingers into his hair. As if carelessly pulling out a few strands would give him all of the answers…

"What?" I couldn't even pretend to have a clue about whatever he was going on about…

"I don't have any condoms…" My thoughts were slowly shifting to meet Edward's pattern of thought. _So this is what we've really been talking about…_

"Wait, there's more…" He spun around as if he were searching out the nearest wall to smash his head into… It was the second time I'd heard Edward say there was more. Earlier turned out to be a pleasant surprise; and still a pit was forming in my stomach…_or was it just begging for food? _I tried to rationalize_. Breathe Bella…_

"I don't think I can handle anymore." I admitted, warning… Completely fucking terrified of the unknown. Did I want to know, didn't I?

"I think it'd be better if we just got it out of the way…" Edward threw out; before turning to meet my gaze… I sat up, so confused.

Correction Alice; he hasn't kicked me out of bed; yet…

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

**~End Chapter 9 - Tortured Thursday**

Thanks for dropping by!


	10. Chapter 10 Tortured Tears

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

* * *

**~Chapter 10 - Tortured Tears**

* * *

.

.

Somewhere, far away from here  
I saw stars, stars that I could reach (yeah)  
It was a midnight, a silent twilight  
That fell down, beyond the ocean beach (yeah)

I assemble all the sand that cover wedding beaches  
To build a castle so your mom would have a place to stay  
Behind the water slide and down the hill where heaven reaches  
Land and time is left to float away (yeah)

So rest assured I have the key to every opening  
To every wishing well that's deep enough to dream (dream)  
I want to show you just how fascinating kissing is  
When earth collides with all the space between (yeah)

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before  
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore  
I may be some sort of crazy  
We may be some sort of crazy  
But I swear on everything I have and more

So never look behind you, spooky people bring you down  
The world is ending there's a party by the bay  
I'll wear my suit and tie, we're eye to eye and toasting to  
The way you put that smile upon my face (yeah)

Fill up the air balloon and ride with me  
When hell is jealous of the rain (rain)  
Make love like time and space is ending  
While befriending fate's alluring way of putting us to shame

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before  
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore  
I may be some sort of crazy  
We may be some sort of crazy  
But I swear on everything I have and more

You make the sound of pulling heaven down  
You brought the rain's romantic pour  
You make the sound  
You make the sound  
Of pulling heaven down

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before  
(Tired of wasting time)  
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore  
(tired of wasting time)  
I may be some sort of crazy  
We may be some sort of crazy  
But I swear on everything I have and more  
(go go go go)

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before  
(Tired of wasting time)  
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore  
(Tired of wasting time)  
I may be some sort of crazy  
We may be some sort of crazy  
But I swear on everything I have and more  
(go go go go)

(Blue October - Sound of pulling heaven down)

.

.

"A few minutes of fun isn't worth a lifetime of regret, I'm sorry Bella…" I tried not to read too much into what he were saying; for fear I'd make myself cry. But _failed_…

Everything about our relationship conflicted - spinning me round and round; only to land on the same question. Were we or weren't we; a couple? It was obvious certain aspects of our relationship mirrored us as being more than friends. Still; I couldn't help but feel this was only supposed to be a good time, enjoy the ride; because it's about to come to a crashing halt…

It was ludicrous of me to think that I could ever really be Edward's forever girl. I was the right now girl…and maybe tomorrow; if I fit into his schedule…

"So now that it's clear… We're not having sex. Can we go to sleep now?" I rolled over. Unsure of whatever fucking game he was playing, but decided I wasn't going to play into it. Tomorrow I could safely go home… I stared out the window, watching the way the moonlight and shadows danced along the branches of the tree. _Fuck my life_…

A few minutes later, I felt the shuffle of Edward climbing into bed. The pull of the comforter as he reached over to turn off the lamp on his bedside table. His warm embrace was entirely soft and comforting as he curled into my back. Which made me realize how tense I actually was… Obviously Edward felt as if a big weight had been lifted off of his chest. He was spinning me around like a top…

"I mean…we've waited this long." The soft hum of his voice brushed along my ear.

"What?" I blurted… Just go to sleep Edward; _don't start fucking crying_… No more tears.

"I think I'm going to try to wait until… I'm married." His voice croaked in the middle of his noble statement and I couldn't help but laugh. I needed the humor to hold it all together… What kind of game was he playing?

"Pshh…You're full of shit." _Truth- try to wait; for something better than me_. Thursday was all bullshit… _I hate Thursdays…_

"How is that full of shit; it's smart." Edward breathed along my neck, his body pressing in a firm line along back - entirely interested in what I had to say…

"What happened to live a little…" I taunted. Too passive aggressive to be serious. After all; being serious could really hurt like a mother fucker.

"It's cheesy, I know…" Edward huffed; to roll away from my back; before settling into his side of the bed. Of course I wasn't going to let him off the hook, he started it…

"I would have never pegged you for a prude." I daunted. The faint light creeping from the night light in the bathroom was just enough to give me the silhouette of his face as he lie staring up at the ceiling. His lips appeared so soft and inviting; barely quivering with each breath… _Why do I have to love you so much… it fucking hurts!?_

"Who?" His voice was tense, bordering on angry. His jaw locked and his lips curled… Fascinating…

"What?" It didn't take much for Edward to startle and confuse me. I was dead tired and could barely keep up between my depressing thoughts and ogling Edward in the dark.

"Who? It doesn't matter, I just want to know…" His tone shifted, nearly pleading…

"Who, what?" _What the hell was he going on about? _So beautiful; it was blatantly obvious he wasn't made for me…

"Jacob; did you sleep with him?" Edward rolled over to face me, our lips mere inches apart. His intense green eyes sparkled; even in the dark…

"No…" Spinning, spinning, spin like a fucking top… There was a long silence; drowning in Edward's gaze…

.

.

* * *

_In love with the little things_

_In love with you_

* * *

.

.

"Why do you love me?" My tone was soft, sleepy…and I was entirely mesmerized by the intensity of his eyes in the dark; a comforting distraction…

"You're everything to me; everything..." Edward murmured in a scolding tone. Then he started closing that tiny gap… Instead his chin tilted upward as he placed a soft kiss upon my forehead. Sweet, still; it left a lot to be desired…

Deep down I felt as if Edward were hiding me - what we were; and I couldn't blame him. I wouldn't want to go advertising that shit either if I were him… I should count my blessings that he's willing to be seen eating lunch with me at school.

And I kept thinking his intents were perhaps only to use me for his play thing; and while a part of me was insulted - I was warming up to the idea of becoming Edward's play thing. If only for the experience… _Fuck; I love him._

Then he fucking rejects me and I didn't even get to make a good intentional move that would be truly worthy of the dejection I'm fucking sinking in.

_But he has the prettiest words and sweetest actions; just enough to reel me back in._

I rolled over; as I felt the swell of tears forming in my eyes. Eyelids closed tight; to ward off the imposing flood.

.

.

* * *

_I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy..._

_I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry..._

* * *

.

.

Four-fifty-two in the morning… And I'm pacing in my kitchen.

Charlie never made it home, nor left any messages… I'd argued with myself for the past twenty minutes on whether or not to dial the emergency numbers he left. Trying to rationalize that he probably wouldn't be there yet… All the while freaking the fuck out…

Worried what Edward would think, when he finally wakes and realizes I went home. I just couldn't handle another awkward morning… I threw on my jeans; grabbed my shit and got the fuck out of there.

I dialed the hotel first…

As the clerk transferred the line to his room; I realized he must have checked in. I thought about hanging up; knowing he'd be pissed and then worried that I called him at this hour… Still; there was a need to hear his voice; just for that reassurance that he was okay. I fully intended on hanging up after confirmation…

There was a shuffle as the phone was picked up…

"Hello?" I realized quickly, I was transferred to the wrong room. Just as I was about to apologize and hang up…

"Hello?" She repeated herself groggily; and that's when I heard my dad in the background.

"I don't know, I think the line is dead…" She answered him… And when the sleep had cleared from her tone, after hanging on her every fucking word… It was Elizabeth, our fucking next door neighbor; Edward's mother…

"There's static…" By her admittance; I realized I had been huffing into the damn phone. Anxiety took the wheel; and the most horrendous assumptions clouded my thoughts. Maybe it's been like this all along… Maybe they'd been fucking even before my mother passed. I certainly never noticed a change in their demeanor. They were always; just friends…

I was numb by the time a high pitched squeal came on the line; to remind me to hang up the phone… long after the other party had already hung up. _Barely breathing_…

.

.

* * *

FUCK MY LIFE…

* * *

.

.

Emotionally drained and so fucking sick of feeling… I just wanted to crawl into bed and pretend like none of this shit was really happening. I felt absolutely ill for even joking about them being a couple the other night…

I hung up the line and sat at the kitchen table wearing the shock of reality…

Do I tell Edward… Confront Charlie and tell him I know… Like I'm his fucking keeper; when I'd hardly been paying much attention to his mere existence…

I settled for crawling into bed. Edward was still asleep in his own bed by the time I pulled the covers over my head for a good cry. The little cave I'd created with my blanket, soon filled with the scent of Edward. Still wearing the sleep shirt I'd run off with; in the wee hours of dawn.

.

.

* * *

FUCK MY LIFE…

* * *

.

.

I woke with a horrible migraine to Alice squealing as she practically jumped up and down on my damn bed. My brain rattled, bruising with her every bounce… contracting and crushing with her every squeal… I tried to curse her; and settled for hoping she could read my pained expression as I tried to squint the pains away. The bouncing stopped…

I sat up, not for her benefit - but to see if Edward was awake; and to see what fucking time it was… It was after noon, I couldn't bitch about her coming over early; but scolded myself for not locking the damn door. Hell, worse things could have come in besides Alice… And mostly; I felt like shit…

"Are you okay?" She smiled; accompanied by a little giggle as she slapped my knee to give her the details. Every assumption she were having; was entirely wrong.

"Yeah, I've just got a headache.." I shrugged her off as I threw the covers down. Stretching, so I could lean over the bed and peer into Edward's window….and the blinds were now closed.

"Bella… You sleep in your clothes." Her tone read clearly of her distaste..

"Sometimes…obviously…" I mean, sometimes I wear my pajama's out - but they're still clean… Right? Why the fuck are we talking about this? I pretended to care about Alice's opinion and went into my dresser drawer for a clean shirt. Glancing out the front window; I realized Edward's car wasn't in his drive…

I changed my shirt, discarding Edward's shirt on my dresser. Before darting down the hall to check for messages…

"Bella?" Alice called from atop of the stairs.

"I'm just going to get some aspirin…" No messages… _Fuck him_…

By the time I found the aspirin in the kitchen cupboard; Alice was already hot on my heels.

"Party was a bust… Everyone left this morning." Alice sighed… I downed three aspirin with a small glass of water.

"They get tired of drinking wine and having sex; …already?" I was honestly surprised… And then an ah-ha moment hit me. Perhaps my refusal to stay at the brothel, provoked Edward's noble stance in the bedroom.

"I guess… Nobody liked my hors d'oeuvres…" Alice shrugged, but I knew she were more disappointed than she were letting on.

.

.

* * *

_For all the moments that we shared_

_All the lies they don't compare_

_You have to go back to him, and I realize that _

* * *

.

.

Three hours later and I was wandering down main street with Alice; shopping. She kept dropping obvious hints that she wanted the details on Edward; somehow I managed to elude her by buying three shirts and some underwear.

Shopping was therapy for Alice, for me; not so much. I couldn't stop thinking about Charlie with Edward's mother… It had to be her, it sounded just like her… I could only wish it were some weird mother fucking coincidence…

It was just before nine when Alice dropped me off in front of my house.

First - I noticed his car was in his drive. Second - I checked the answering machine; nothing. Third - I went upstairs to find his room dark, with the blinds still closed. Yeah…well, Edward who?

I discarded my shopping bags on the dresser; and came across Edward's t-shirt. The fascination with Edward was getting out of hand; filled with emotions I was still learning to tolerate; sober.

I raised his shirt to my face; to inhale everything I knew I was missing. Angry - that he shut me out at his leisure. Bitter - that he had a life outside of just spending time with me.

The phone startled me; my head jerked in the direction of Edward's window to confirm whether or not I'd been caught doing something entirely fucking sappy and pathetic… Huffing his fucking shirt as if it were the latest trendy drug on the market.

The blinds were still closed; _whew_… I tossed his shirt back on the dresser and stood in the hall to get a better listen of the answering machine. I expected it to be Charlie checking in; and wasn't quite up to answering.

_BEEP! - "I know you're home… So answer the phone;… come on over…" BEEP!_

.

.

* * *

_Call me now baby, and I'd come a running. _

* * *

.

.

I ignored him; just to prove a point… Maybe I was in the shower or some shit, but I didn't want to make myself readily available to Edward. He had enough power over me as it were…

I erased the message and remembered to lock the front door.

I started watching all the sappy soaps I'd missed, but recorded off the TV. I thought it would kill more time then it did; but by the time I fast forwarded through the commercials and corny love scenes which didn't vary much from any other episode… I couldn't stop thinking about Edward; mostly his lack of persistence since shutting me out. He wasn't coming around with his usual boldness… Insisting I come over right now; or he'd threaten to come over… Nothing…

It was stupid to pretend; or even bother to fight it. Addicted to Edward; I was beyond any form a rehab.

I'd successfully managed to lock Edward out for; oh, about forty-seven minutes. He hadn't made any further attempts to contact me. Which led me to his door… My knock was rapid, frantic, angry… When he opened the door; with his hair all disheveled, his face flushed, and a look of surprise. I'd completely forgotten why I'd stormed over…

I was tired of being paranoid, angry, and just plain bitter about everything in life. It wasn't me… but what I had become. And for brief moments here and there I'd often find glimpses of myself again; in his stare. The girl I was striving to be again… The girl he loved; beyond all of my fucking flaws. The only drug, I'd ever need…

"Edward…" I'd exhaled all fucking breathy, breaking the silence; caught between his eyes and the mouth I wanted to kiss swollen; in my urgency to mark him as mine - if only for a few sparse moments. I felt more alive than ever, yet there was a numbness from being entirely dazed by the presence of Edward. As if time stood still; but I knew it didn't cease for anyone or anything.

I imagined I were going through the motions Edward suffered; the day he confronted me about; why couldn't we be friends… When he burst through my door with need in his eyes and lips like morphine. Ravaging and confusing the fuck out of me before running back home…

The sexual tension that vibrated between us, it existed beyond comprehension of ignore; we could never be just friends…

The invisible timer in my head went off. _Ready, set, go_… My lips were on his, my hands extended to rake through the sides of his unruly hair; almost immediately his hands caught my hip and the curve of my back, to reel me into a firm line along his body… I came on strong and he pushed back harder; like a raging wave that had been passionately longing to meet the shoreline.

"Mmm…" He moaned against my mouth; mere seconds before I realized we had an audience… _Laughter_…

.

.

* * *

_Let me feel one more time_

_What it feels like to feel_

_And break these calluses off me_

_One more time _

* * *

.

.

"Ha! Masen and Bellllaaahhhh…" The tone was condescending. I tried to keep my cool and be reserved about the entire ordeal. Pretend my face weren't ninety shades of blush; as I felt the heat spreading over my cheeks… Matching the burn that tingled on my lips from the stubble on Edward's face, a few days of slacking; growth.

"Hey… Bella…" Mike greeted me; but it wasn't a kind greeting at all. It was spoken more for shock value once the room had quieted at Jacob's intro… Staring at Jacob in disbelief; that I ever called him friend. I felt a need to explain that I was invited; though I was rather sure our display expressed that. They were just as confused as me; what does he see in her?

One moment I was soaring and the next I was coming to a rolling crash; except this time I was taking Edward down with me… I felt guilty, but mostly; I feared his reaction.

"I'll catch up with you later…" I excused myself; it was too awkward to stay and put up with these idiots all night.

"No, they were just leaving…" Edward blurted, casual - cold; bitter. Mike's eyes flashed angry. He huffed, and I almost flinched as he passed us, beer in hand; to make his exit.

"She's a nobody…" Mike scoffed, turning around to face Edward… My fists tightened; angry, I wanted to give him something to remember me by come morning…

"In comparison to her, you're not even a fucking blip on the radar." Edward scoffed, slowly pushing me to the side - further into the room, where the small crowd made their escape only to gather outside in hopes of catching a fight.

"This is stupid…" I admitted. Recognizing - Mike, Tanya, and Jasper from school. I had no clue how Jacob received his invite. The few I didn't know, must have been friends of Mike…and probably Edward too. They were his friends… I didn't fit in…

Mike huffed for what seemed like forever, but in actuality was probably around thirty seconds. He turned to leave and brought his hand up; splashing beer down the front of Edward's shirt.

Before Edward could react; I'd already made contact, slamming my fist into the side of Mike's jaw. Before I could land my second throw; Edward had my waist and was spinning me around to pull me back. Embarrassment and anger had shifted to adrenaline; I was soaring high again…

"Fucking bitch…you made me bleed…" Mike growled. Blood was drooling down his chin. Too much blood… My hand felt like it had wind burn, my knuckles were on fire…

"Tanya!" Mike hissed… I expected Tanya to come running in to kick my ass… I was all riled up; I'd wanted a reason for so long to smash her fucking face in. I watched the door, anxious. The crowd started to scatter through out the front yard; eager for us to take it outside.

"I'm going to let her go…" Edward warned… Mike threw his beer down hard; the bottle shattered and the remaining few swigs of beer bubbled over the broken glass. He moved to the door and paused; I assumed to look for Tanya… I wasn't surprised to find that the bitch didn't come when summoned…

When Mike finally made his exit, most in the lawn were already leaving and the few that were left standing followed Mike around back toward the alley. Edward put me down; slowly loosening his grip around my waist until he was certain I was perfectly balanced on my feet.

Edward stepped over the broken glass, to close and lock the door. He seemed devoid of any negative emotion over the situation - which surprised me…

"What happened to; this is stupid?" Edward mocked me. Grabbing me by the elbow to get a better look at my hand without making any motion to touch it.

"I'll be fine, you don't have to defend me." I insisted, trying to pull my swollen knuckles out from under his view.

.

.

* * *

_I'm finding my way back to sanity, again_

_Though I don't really know what_

_I'm going to do when I get there _

* * *

.

.

Sitting at the island in Edward's kitchen, he patched me up with an icepack, a few shots of whiskey, and a cold beer to chase it down… I slipped off my jacket and threw it on the stool beside me. Edward watched me intently from the other side of the island, silent.

"What?" I asked; wondering if this was some sort of test. A silly grin formed on his lips… before a bit of soft laughter escaped his lips - almost scoffing. It wasn't until he composed himself again, that he replied…

"I was still reeling over your entrance when you clocked Mike… I love it when you surprise me…" Edward gushed, with that boyish grin still dancing on his lips. He finished off his beer and came back with two more bottles…

"Are you trying to get me drunk, because you've almost succeeded…" My knuckles were still red and angry; the throbbing in my hand was becoming a tolerable pulse.

"Maybe; would you oppose?" He popped the caps off the bottles and leaned in - over the counter, taunting…

"Not if you promise to take full advantage." I mocked the same cheesy grin he wore; as I grabbed one of the beer bottles from his hands. He laughed, brushing it off… Before taking a long swig from his bottle. He deserted his beer on the counter and rummaged through the pantry. He came out with paper towels, the broom, and a dustpan. I shifted on the stool, and watched Edward clean up the mess Mike left on the floor.

A few minutes later he returned; discarding the broken glass in the trash. It was as if the entire mood had shifted. Edward was moving back and forth between the rooms, cleaning…

"You're quiet…" Edward commented, throwing the few bottles he brought back from the den into the trash.

"I ask you take advantage of me and you'd rather clean house…" What do you follow that up with? I chose silence…

"You hardly touch me…" Edward murmured.

"I gave you the green light." I retorted; Edwards words were still sinking in. Perhaps he was just as calculating as I've been; hell, he was even better at math.

.

.

* * *

_I want you back and forth_

_I want you up and down_

* * *

.

.

"Why was Jacob here…" I accused, why now suddenly; was Jacob Black coming around again?

"Actually, we spent the afternoon together…" Edward stopped in front of me, his legs were barely brushing my knees and his arms dangled heavy at his sides.

"And?"

"I guess; I just don't remember him; like you do…" He appeared thoughtful, perhaps a tad unsteady… I was a bit startled by his admission. I expected him to give me shit for even asking.

"Did…" I corrected him. I wasn't sure how much Edward had been drinking. He seemed fairly coherent; just a little spaced out now and then. He wandered to the other side of the counter and grabbed his beer; taking a long swig…

"It was a really long summer… You were always out with Alice, or him. When you knew you could have called me."

"Should have." I felt stupid… _Edward didn't remember much of his summer; by his own admission…but he remembered mine… _Yet, entirely amused by what the truth serum were bringing out in Edward. I was pretty buzzed and probably about another half a beer shy of being drunk.

"You could have stayed the night…" Edward peeled back the label on his beer…

"Should have." And saved myself the horror of knowing our parents are probably shacking up… I needed to bleach my brain…

"But you left…" If we were dating; I might think Edward were about to break up with me by the seriousness in his tone.

"You shut me out…" I shifted the blame.

"I always call you first." Edward was being fair.

"I'm always waiting on your call; even when I don't answer…" I taunted, entirely amused as I sipped from my beer.

"I would do anything for you." Edward exhaled; vulnerable. Per usual he gave me my out. Wandering away - without giving me a chance to come up with a good reply. I grabbed my coat, beer, and followed him upstairs.

.

.

* * *

_I don't want anything else_

_I don't want anyone else_

* * *

.

.

Edward discarded his beer on the desk and began working on the TV. Connecting the X-Box 360. I threw my jacket over the back of his desk chair before opening his blinds. Edward's laughter had me spinning around to see what was so funny…

"Hm?" I sat on the edge of the bed and kicked off my shoes before curling my feet under me.

"You never asked why I closed the blinds…" He was positively smirking, before reaching behind his dresser to connect the last of the cables.

"Why?" I felt like he were setting me up for something…

"Use your imagination…" He retorted…

"If I did that, there really wouldn't be a need to come over." I teased, laughing.

"Oh, yeah?" He finished connecting the wires and rose to meet my gaze.

"Yeah, imaginary Edward always delivers." I laughed at my own statement; leaning toward tipsy.

"So does imaginary Bella; when she's…" Edward choked down laughter with the last few swigs of his beer. I expected him to finish his statement; but he went to the bathroom after discarding his beer bottle in the trash beside his desk.

I scooted off the bed and waited outside the bathroom door.

"When she's?" I surprised him the minute he stepped out; cornering him.

"She's pretty true to form; she even bitches at me." Edward exhaled sharply, which made me notice how incredibly close we were, without touching.

"That wasn't what you were going to say…" I quipped.

"Enough of the imaginary stuff. I want to hear about you." Edward walked past me, to shut down what he'd just set up. Anytime he was buzzed, he was all over the place… but he was usually in a better mood. He was bordering on the edge of dark; reality.

"Me?" I wondered what he meant; of course he knew me.

"Yeah, you know…what's going on with you?" Edward stood beside his dresser, running a hand through his hair nervously.

"I'm good. I went shopping with Alice for a few hours…" I shrugged, still idly standing near the bathroom door. Edward was blocking the exit to his room, no running…

"Good, but that's not what I meant…" Edward shook his head, sealed his lips together in a tight line…and stared at the floor.

"How about you?" I retorted. "What's going on with you?"

"I keep wondering what I'm doing wrong…or right…" He shifted, glancing about the room before he finally met my gaze, as if he were searching for the right words.

"I hate it when you leave without waking me. You come back as if nothing's wrong; and even give me reassurance…only to leave again. So just tell me what I'm doing wrong; how do I fix this? I'm fucking sorry about Mike, Jacob, all of it. But… I need to know what's going on in your head. Are you okay, are we okay?"

"I'm not going to be a thirty year old virgin." I spoke confident; as if that were all that were riding my thoughts. It brought the level of seriousness down a few notches and even provoked a small laugh from Edward.

"Get real…" He prodded.

"I need consistency." I admitted; Edward looked like he wanted to say something… then appeared thoughtful as if he could solve the riddle I'd just thrown at him.

"Our biggest fears revolve around the other leaving; still we both take turns running. Running from everything we can't let go. But I promise… I'll always come back; I can't quit you." I couldn't handle serious; but it did seem more tolerable when I wasn't entirely sober. Edward bent down and retrieved a white box out from under his bed. It was sealed with a pretty blue ribbon that had silver threads running through it.

"For you…" He dropped the box on the bed; before raising a hand to run along the back of his neck.

"What's this?" I hoped I wore surprise well; because I'm pretty certain I smiled from ear to ear… My face almost hurts.

"My apology." Edward blinked, looked like he wanted to say something more; and then he laughed… His beautiful extraordinary laugh…

"For?" It didn't make much sense to me…

"I thought I fucked up… Isn't it proper etiquette or some shit when you mess up; to come bearing gifts?" He grinned, scoffing.

"So why not save it for next time?" I wondered why he hadn't thought of that; it made me laugh a little…or maybe it was the alcohol…

"If anything the gift itself is probably a fuck up. Don't think too much of it until you open it." Edward insisted, motioning for me to open his beautifully wrapped fuck up gift. I was entirely amused and intrigued.

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

**~End Chapter 10 - Tortured Tears**

Thanks for dropping by!


	11. Chapter 11 Tortured Saturdaze

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

* * *

**~Chapter 11 - Tortured Saturdaze**

* * *

.

.

We're both looking for something

That we've been afraid to find

It's easier to be broken

It's easier to hide

Looking at you, holding my breath,

For once in my life, I'm scared to death,

I'm taking a chance, letting you inside.

I'm feeling alive all over again,

As deep as the sky, under my skin

Like being in love, she says

For the first time

Well maybe I'm wrong,

But I'm feeling right where I belong

With you tonight

Like being in love

Can feel for the first time

The world that I see inside you

Waiting to come to life

Waking me up to dreaming

Reality in your eyes

Looking at you, holding my breath,

For once in my life, I'm scared to death,

I'm taking a chance, letting you inside.

I'm feeling alive all over again

As deep as the sky under my skin

Like being in love, she said, for the first time

Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right

Where I belong with you tonight

Like being in love to feel for the first time

We're crashing

Into the unknown

We're lost in this

But it feels like home

I'm feeling alive all over again

As deep as the sky that's under my skin

Like being in love, she said, for the first time

Well maybe I'm wrong, but I'm feeling right

Where I belong with you tonight

Like being in love can feel for the first time

Like being in love; she said for the first time

Like being in love; can feel for the first time

(Lifehouse - First Time)

.

.

Removing the ribbon; I opened the box… And under the white tissue paper was vibrant bold colors staring back at me.

"It's okay if you think it's stupid…" Edward shrugged, licking his lips before pursing them together. He turned to start the X-Box up again… Avoiding; what he expected would be a horrible reaction to his fuck up, but he didn't really fuck up; gift.

The fabrics were soft but thin - perfect for spring or summer… Edward bought me hooded jackets; quite similar to the one I already owned. The very same he ridiculed me about wearing. Instead of just black; he'd given me several other colors to choose from.

I was a big fan of my hoodie, but never in my life had I ever owned this many. There was a moment of silence, appreciation that Edward weren't trying to mold me into what he wanted me to be; whatever the hell that was… While some of the colors were a little bright for my tastes; I loved them… I loved him…

"These are great…" I gushed. Slipping a new purple hooded jacket over my dark green long sleeved t-shirt.

Edward glanced over his shoulder; wearing a crooked little smile… Before adverting his attention back to the television; where he'd worked his way through the menu settings to load… I had no idea what was on the menu for tonight.

I was dreading Saturday detention in the morning… Yet I didn't want the night to ever end…

.

.

* * *

_Decoding you has proved the hardest thing_

_I know you love me, if it starts to sting_

* * *

.

.

When the buzz from drinking had wore off; we were tangled in each others arms - watching Little Nicky. It had been so long since we'd last watched it together, I had completely forgotten the plot entirely.

Yawn… Laugh… Stretch… Yawn… Laugh…Yawn… It was becoming harder to fight sleep. Edward appeared just as dazed.

"Mmm… I love you." Edward murmured into my hair as I snuggled into the crook of his arm with a leg haphazardly thrown over his as we lay in his bed.

"Love you too." There, I said it. Certain; I loved Edward more. I just didn't want to be a cheesy fuck.

"Are you staying?" Edward asked, his groggy little speech perked - as if he were surprised that I was still awake...

"Yeah, unless you're kicking me out?" I offered to leave… If he wanted me to. I hoped he wouldn't get all fucking weird or make a big deal about three words; that meant everything.

"No." He shook his head a little, raising a hand to stifle his yawn…

.

.

* * *

_Not trying to make you think_

_This is some kind of great big deal_

_I just know exactly how you feel_

_I could be the thing you reach for; in the middle of the night_

_Let me be the one who treats you right_

* * *

.

.

I woke to the sound of the phone ringing and Edward trying to cautiously shift himself from under me to reach the phone.

"Mmm…Yeah…" He leaned over the bed. Groggily answering the phone as he ran a hand over his face to try to brush the sleep away.

"I know, I'm going… Yeah, everything is good here. Yeah, alright… Umm, I will… Okay, yeah, love you too mom…" I laid still, clinging onto Edward's half of the conversation… Well, aware that Elizabeth had probably made that call from my father's bed; their bed…

"Bella…" Edward shook me gently before he rolled out of bed to stretch.

"Come on sleeping beauty, we're going to be late." Edward snatched the pillow I'd raised to cover my head and spanked me with it before disappearing into the bathroom. Grunting; I stretched and rolled out of bed to find my shoes…

The morning was quiet, we'd each taken about five minutes in the bathroom to make ourselves fairly presentable. We both stumbled out of the house; tired, and wearing the clothes we slept in. Once we were in the tight space of the car, I realized how awful we smelled. Like cheap rancid beer and stale cigarettes…

"I feel like shit…" I yawned.

"I'm sorry…" Edward laughed a little… reaching over to brush my hair back; away from my face.

"We can take a nap when we get back…" I grumbled; still half asleep. Yawning again as I leaned my head into the window… A nap sounded really good right about now.

We pulled into the school parking lot at six-fifty-eight, which did a fine job of waking us up… We parked and fucking sprinted to the cafeteria doors. Mr. Johnson scolded us for running in the building; but we'd made it in on time, just barely...

We found a table and sat a few seats apart as required, with our heads propped up with our hands. Edward would yawn, which was entirely contagious; in which I would then return his yawn. We shared smiles, silly faces… but neither of us appeared anymore awake then when we'd arrived. Merely trying to fight off impending sleep.

An hour later and I went to the restroom to throw water on my face… My stomach churned and I felt a little warm to the touch; but I'd make it through the next hour if it killed me. I'd already invested an hour…

I'd made it through Saturday detention, but found myself throwing up in the bushes near the corner of the parking lot moments after we were dismissed. It foamed as it hit the dirt and tasted like stale beer and bile on my tongue.

"You should have hurled on the floor, maybe we would have been excused early… Don't think there's a janitor on Saturdays…" Edward mused aloud, patiently waiting for me to finish.

I dry heaved a few more times, just to make sure I was finished. Fairly certain my stomach were empty; I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand.

"Sure you're okay?" Edward asked repeatedly on the drive home.

"Yes, I'll be fine." I kept insisting. I couldn't tell if his concern was entirely for me or saving the interior of his stupid fucking car.

Edward dropped me off at home, the agreement was; that whomever woke up first would call the other.

I took a shower and felt a little better after getting cleaned up. I threw on a white tank top with a cute decorative lace detail at the bust line; paired with a fresh pair of blue jeans. The phone rang before I'd had the chance to throw on my black and gray striped cashmere sweater.

"Hello?" Charlie's voice called through the answering machine. I reached for the receiver - answering the line…

"Hey dad…" I went downstairs and turned the answering machine off; to stop recording.

"Bella, when did you get home? Did you get my messages? You make it to detention okay this morning?" Charlie sounded a little panicked…

"Hmm…? This morning... Yeah, Edward gave me a ride…" I realized there were four messages on the machine.

"Good, something wrong with your truck?" He inquired quickly.

"No, the truck is fine…" I responded, somewhat dazed. More interested in reading him than answering his questions.

"What are you going to do tonight?" He asked sharply.

"I'm probably just going to stay in." I told him what he wanted to hear.

"I should be back by tomorrow evening. You know the rules Bella; no boys in the house…" He reminded me; almost scolding.

"Specifically who?" I asked, entirely amused. Thinking it might be a little difficult for him to put down Edward with Elizabeth in his room. After I stopped taking my medication, Edward became a sore subject in our house…

"You know what I mean Bella…." Oh, I knew alright. More than I wanted to know…

"Your house, your rules…" I dictated.

"Goodnight Bella…" He scolded gently, getting off the line before I could further provoke him… I hung up the phone and checked the messages, three were from Charlie and one was from Alice.

I dropped a pop-tart in the toaster before I dialed Alice.

"Hi; Is Alice in?" I asked her father; recognizing his voice.

"Yeah, just a second Bella… Alice… Alice! Bella's on the phone…" I could hear him drop the phone onto a hard surface.

"Hi Bella!" Alice squealed… "I've got it, you can hang up!" Before screaming into my damn ear…

"You called?" I replied.

"Dad, hang up! I got it!" Alice screamed; I pulled the phone away from my ear…. Almost forgot about my damn pop-tart. I put Alice on hold, dropping the phone on the counter while I grabbed my pop-tart from the toaster with a fresh paper towel.

"Bella, Are you listening?" Alice squealed…

"I'm here…now… You called?" I asked again. There was shuffling, then a click on the line; Alice's dad had finally hung up the other phone… Saving my ears that were still mildly ringing.

"Heard you got a piece of Mike last night?" Alice squealed…

"My fist did." I sat at the kitchen table, watching my pop-tart cool as my stomach growled and hissed at me. I was starving…

"How did you hear about that?" I laughed… but deep down knew Monday at school could be hell. It would be whatever Mike wanted it to be…

"Rose is dating some guy named Emmett and he's like Jasper's cousin or something."

"So what did Jasper say?" I was a little curious… But fairly certain it would be predictable.

"Everyone is talking about how some little girl named Bella nearly broke Mike's jaw. They were glad he didn't touch you; because they didn't want to have to fight with him." So Alice heard from a friend of a friend of a friend and was basically calling to confirm her gossip train. I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous some of the conversations with Alice were…

"Anyway, that's not all…" Alice gushed. Of course…there was always more with Alice.

"Jasper is friends with Edward and he's really cute… You see where I'm going?" Alice asked, giggling…

"No, not really… I wish you'd get to the point." I taunted; before taking a bite from my pop-tart.

"Why don't we do something tonight, I'll stay over… Maybe Edward could invite Jasper, make a double date of it." Was Alice really asking me to help set her up?

"Is there a reason why you can't ask Rose, or that Emmett guy she's dating, or even Edward?" I enjoyed my cherry pop-tart, allowing Alice to listen to me chomp away... Why did I have to be the friend of a friend of a friend and get involved in the drama? _I'd rather not…_

"I already tried Rose…. Besides, Edward would do it for you." Alice insisted.

"I'm too tired to think about it right now. Let me call you back tonight…" I exhaled into the phone.

"Bella!" Alice squealed, nearly shouting… I hung up the phone.

.

.

* * *

I _love sleep_.

My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

* * *

.

.

So when the phone rang seconds after hanging up, I ignored it. I'd deal with Alice later if I was up to it. I was starving and so tired I was becoming bitchy and irritable. I finished my cherry pop tart, nearly choking it down - then chased it with a few aspirin and a glass of water.

I checked that the door was locked before I went upstairs to my room. Casually throwing the door open, I'd made it two steps into my room before I'd nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Holy fuck…. Edward, you have got to stop doing that…" I scolded, clutching my chest. Trying to catch the breath he'd stolen…

"I'm sorry. I called first…" Edward insisted, his tone laced with paranoia.

"You're going to be the death of me, I'm fine." I laughed, mildly amused. It intrigued me to no end; the strange effects I had on Edward. What kept him coming back for more? - I have no fucking idea…

The way he looked at me… Made me take a good look down, over myself. There was nothing special about what I was wearing; other than it was a little less modest. Revealing more of my bust line, collar bones, bare shoulders… Still; he appeared in awe… The sexual tension radiated; Edward was entirely fuck-able, anytime of day. More so since he confessed we wouldn't be fucking anytime soon. But I'd come to terms; accepting it as more of a challenge.

"You've seen me in my underwear…" I noted, commenting on his bewildered expression as I stepped forth to retrieve my sweater off the bed.

"It isn't often you give me glimpses; to see how they compare to imaginary Bella…" Edward noted boldly, a smug smirk dancing on his lips - but his eyes, hinted of his exhaustion.

"But that's not what you came for…" I taunted; throwing my arms in the sleeves of my sweater, Edward's hand stopped the fabric before I could slip it over my head…

"I sleep better with you, when I know you're okay…" Every word that left his lips was so precise, as if he'd recited them in his head a hundred times before he'd brought himself to speak them. He pushed my arms down by the sweater that bound them and invaded my personal space entirely, our chests nearly brushing… I exhaled sharply, only to breathe in freshly showered, shaven, and entirely squeaky fucking clean Edward… Which had to be a fucking replica of what heaven smelled like…

"Touch me…" Edward hissed, his tone sounded almost painful - anticipating rejection. Making me realize how much time had elapsed in which I fucking ogled him within a close proximity in complete silence. Wearing a form fitting black long sleeved thermal shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of loose fitting faded blue jeans. His clothes were always tight in all the right places, but loose enough in others to drive my imagination wild. He was asking me to touch him and I was trying to gauge his stare on what would or wouldn't be appropriate… And then I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous this all was; mostly because I was fascinated with his silver belt buckle…

Edward yanked my sweater from my arms, discarding it on the floor as he stepped back. His eyes flashed hurt, angry… Until he'd turned his back on me…

"Edward…" I placed a hand on his shoulder - there I touched him! I tried to muffle my laughter, but I was tired and when I'm tired everything comes across as bitchy or hysterical. Least I wasn't bitchy…

"Is it wrong, that I want you to want me - more than this?" Edward asked quietly, before turning to meet my gaze again. A coward when it came to the tough questions; but bold enough to seek me out to find his truth.

"You made it perfectly clear we wouldn't be fucking. You slapped my hand before I'd ever extended it to touch you…" I reminded him, confused - tired, but totally willing to get to the bottom of it.

"It wasn't you, I got carried away…"

"What's wrong with getting carried away?" I asked, amused. Tired of standing around when there was a bed and three perfectly good chairs; I scooted onto my bed.

"And you're so certain you're ready?"

"I'm willing to give it a try..." Never, ever…did I think I'd be having this conversation with Edward… I crawled to the head of the bed, before sliding under my blanket.

"What makes you so sure?" Edward asked as he climbed into the bed; looking for reassurance, which was so damn silly and incredibly cute…

"How many reasons do you want? You're sexy - so fucking beautiful really and you don't even see it. Which makes you that much more attractive. You're smart, funny and witty, I love you, I trust you, we have a history… I'm so fucking tired I'm rambling. Need I go on? Because I can and I will… But mostly - regardless of what happens, I don't see it ever becoming a regret." I curled up onto my pillow; stifling a yawn that had been incessantly tugging at the corners of my jaw.

.

.

* * *

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving.

Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer.

To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy;

therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

I hope you're getting this down….

* * *

.

.

I woke to an empty bed, the clock glared at me - it was five-forty-seven. I yawned, stretching… And then heard Edward's muffled voice downstairs. I rolled out of bed and headed downstairs; curious.

Leaning against the wall at the foot of the stairs, I watched Edward talk on the phone… He mouthed the words… _She's called like fifteen times_… Motioning with his hands the insanity of it as the phone was held in the crook of his shoulder taut to his ear.

"So what's the emergency?" It was one of two people, Alice or Elizabeth. I was betting it was Alice…

"Yeah, at seven…" Edward hung up the phone…Staring me down as he crossed the floor to grab me by the hips upon impact… Rocking me back and forth, in what might appear to be a junior high slow dance… But that's not what it was; Edward wanted something…

"Would you like to go on a date with me?"

"A real date as in just us… or you're going to call Jasper for Alice's fabulous double date?" I quipped.

"You already talked to Alice?" I nodded, but I really wanted to scream. Alice knew no limits when she wanted something. I felt like we were wasting away our days, with a lack of parental supervision.

"I can call Jasper back." Edward insisted, shaking his head.

"No, it's alright. Let's…just…keep it brief. It's almost Sunday…" I laced my fingers at the back of his neck; drawing his lips down to meet mine…

Suddenly; Edward was very eager… It was the game we played; manifestation of longing. These moments were usually very hot, passionate, careless… And disappointingly brief; which aided in repeating the cycle of longing for another round...

Like elastic we could only pull so far - until we'd break or come snapping back. We were snapping back… Everything about his kiss excited and terrified me all at once. Wondering if this were typical eager Edward; or if the information I'd confided in him earlier played a significant role in these desire laced kisses. I kept telling myself I was ready but anxiety came haunting and riddled me with doubt…

The way Edward spoke to my body shushed me the fuck up and left me speechless.

Cupping my ass; he ground me into the wall. I found myself gasping in heavy breaths as the warm slickness of Edward's tongue traced along my neck, followed by the pull of his lips. The temperature in the room was rising; I was swooning - fucking swooning.

"Edward…" I sort of gasped, moaned… cried out; as he ground into me again. So hard his knees knocked into the wall… Pulling me into him so fiercely; he'd managed to have me straddling his hips in one quick overly bold - not so Edward; movement.

"I need you…" Edward exhaled all hot and fucking breathy on my neck… A temporary tickle traced my shoulder as the strap on my tank top was lowered; for Edward to tantalize me further - with lips, teeth, and tongue.

And then the door bell rang; in which Edward threw himself back as if I'd had the plague. It took me a moment to find my footing and stop myself from stumbling down the wall. The sound of my heart racing flooded my ears - and the expression on Edward's face brought me down really fast…

_Saved by the bell? _

When the doorbell rang again, I felt as if it was a warning before a train would come bursting through. Perhaps I'd antagonized Charlie enough to bring him home early.

.

.

* * *

_Hey, slow it down, what do you want from me?_

_What do you want from me?_

_Yeah, I'm afraid; what do you want from me?_

_What do you want from me?_

* * *

.

.

"Alice?" My tone read entirely of surprise…

"You're not very good at answering the door either; no wonder you can never make it to the phone..." Alice feigned disgust before laughing it off as she invited herself in. Edward looked so pale - his lips were completely swollen and flushed; I imagined I looked about the same. She leaned in to fix the strap on my tank top…

"You're not wearing this…" It was more of a statement, than a question.

"I have a sweater…" I grumbled as Alice became invasive. Edward, kept his distance and remained silent.

"We don't even have an hour…" Alice groaned…

"It's a girl thing?" Edward furrowed his brows, before laughing briefly. He shut up quickly and stepped back venturing into the den. Grabbing the remote he gave me a half hearted smile before Alice dragged me up the stairs.

In thirty-nine minutes, Alice convinced me to wear a short gray pinstripe skirt - that was a perfect match to the gray and white layered t-shirt top I'd bought during our shopping trip the other day. I'd argued that if I wanted the damn skirt, I would have bought it.

Mixed in with my new shirts were a pair of black lace ruffled panties. They had a cute little pink bow on the front too. I started doing my own laundry not long after the panty fetish started. Charlie would have a stroke… But I became fascinated with the ways one could express themselves; without anyone else knowing. Truthfully, my underwear had more personality than I did… And cost more than most of my clothes.

By the time I dressed, I didn't know who I was doing it for. Myself, Edward, or because Alice was so damn pushy. I don't own dress shoes, so I paired it with tennis shoes.

My legs were deathly pale, I couldn't recall the last time they'd seen the sun… Alice insisted I were cute, and truthfully I felt stupid. We decided I should wear the tank I had on earlier instead, Alice insisting it would look more edgy with the skirt and sneakers…whatever the hell that means.

Alice dressed in a loose fitting silk purple off the shoulder top with tight dark washed skinny jeans; paired with black boots…. Which only made me feel like a bigger geek for wearing a skirt.

"Where the hell are we going anyway?" My last ditch attempt to protest…

"The movies…" Alice squealed, hugging and jumping on me as the door bell rang. "He's here…" Forced out of my room by Alice's hand as she pushed me down the stairs to get the door for her.

I wished we'd met at Edward's, or that we could have picked Jasper up. Met anywhere…but here. My home was too modest. Truthfully not a damn thing had changed since my mother passed. All I could think about was what Jasper would say when we got back to school on Monday. Tell everyone that we kept an afghan on the couch to cover stains from my childhood. That none of our furniture matched because it was heirloom furniture my mother collected; most Charlie nor I knew the history of. That we had a ridiculous amount of knick-knacks; porcelain figurines of birds and butterflies. That we lived a relatively dull unmoving life; in my mother's memory, as we continued to drown ourselves in her worldly possessions. Included; a pair of hideous matching table lamps.

Edward saw my hesitation, Alice was practically playing leapfrog at my back while I remained unmoved at the bottom of the staircase.

"Meet you outside." Edward's lips brushed along my cheek before he'd darted outside. I felt like I had dodged a bullet; and Edward didn't seem to give a shit about the skirt - or at least he wasn't making a big deal of it. I threw on my worn black hoodie... Alice's look wasn't very approving, then again she seemed irritable since I let Edward run out the door without insisting he invite Jasper in to get acquainted with her.

"Everything alright?" Alice asked… A lot of emotion had been brewing just under the surface… I took a deep breath and tried my damnedest not to snap.

"Yeah, let's go…" I pushed Alice out the door and followed swiftly behind her.

I didn't really know Jasper too well; but couldn't get over the bitterness of the double date. I regretted caving and not having Edward cancel by the time we reached his car.

More so when we got to the theater and Alice picked out some shitty kids movie; How to train your dragon or some shit. Edward and Jasper made sexual innuendos up to the point where we entered theater nine and realized we'd be viewing the movie with a room full of children under the age of ten…

.

.

* * *

So tell me…

What you're thinking…

I know that there's more to say…

* * *

.

.

"That was a shitty ending…" I grumbled, as we left the theater.

"Aww… It was cute, they match now." Alice quipped.

"Hiccup had to lose his leg to match Toothless…" I laughed, losing a leg isn't cute… Toothless; who names their dragon that? A kid named Hiccup…

"Well Hiccup fell in the fire…" Jasper noted; as if I'd missed that detail. It was all just make believe; and even then shit can't be perfect.

"He didn't have to become an amputee; break a leg, maybe... It was lame and the horrible ending totally killed it for me." I announced.

"It sucked." Edward admitted. We'd shuffled our way from the theatre, back to Edward's car. It was decided, or rather Edward decided for us; we were headed back to his place.

When we arrived; we tried to say good night. Alice chimed in; reminding me this was a sleep over. I couldn't remember agreeing to it…

"Fuck…" I hissed, wanting to strangle Alice. Edward laughed… It wasn't a sincere laugh, but a more of a - what am I going to do with you tone.. That's what kicked off what would become a long night… We had a few beers and watched the horror flick Saw, when that ended - Edward popped in Saw II. Early in I excused myself to use the restroom, then stopped in the kitchen to grab another beer.

"Triggers; you don't want to see anyone get hurt - not even a cartoon." Edward scoffed…poking fun. I'd heard that word in therapy hundreds of times. I never really knew what my triggers were, everything seemed to be a trigger…

"Hiccup wasn't on my hit list…" I slid a beer across the counter toward Edward before I leaned over to grab another from the fridge.

"You have a hit list?" Edward smirked.

"Thank you for earlier…You know, I wasn't really comfortable with the idea of letting Jasper in…"

"You're welcome, but you don't have to hide around Jasper. He's cool…and he sleeps in three feet of garbage, so… he wouldn't have room to talk anyway." We shared a brief laugh…

"It's been so long since we let anyone on the outside in… I don't know, it's wrong. I see that it's wrong now." I admitted, twisting the cap off my beer.

"What's wrong?" Edward kicked out a stool beside him…

"If my mother were alive she'd be embarrassed. She hated that wall paper in the hall… And everyday we walk in and nothing's changed; except for the fact she isn't there to greet us. It's creepy and fucked up…" I shook my head almost in disbelief that I hadn't realized to what extent we were poisoning ourselves.

"All of my dads stuff is in boxes in the study… Every time I pass, I think about going in; but can't quite bring myself past turning the knob on the door. I can feel his energy from the other side as if we've made him a prisoner in his own home… because god forbid something remind us of him." Edward sounded bitter… There was a moment of silence as I watched Edward try to peel the label off his bottle.

"I'm sorry, Edward…" My first reaction was to apologize…

"So… Have you figured out what you're going to do after high school?" Edward asked. I could have swore he'd inhaled and was holding his breath, waiting on my response.

"No.." I laughed softly, hell I was living for the weekend… And Alice and Jasper were ruining it...

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

**~End Chapter 11 - Tortured Saturdaze**

Thanks for dropping by!


	12. Chapter 12 Tortured Step

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 12 - Tortured Step**

.

.

Aha-ooh! Aha-ooh! Aha-ooh!

Pray God you can cope.  
I'll stand outside  
This woman's work,  
This woman's world.  
Ooh, it's hard on the man.  
Now his part is over.  
Now starts the craft of the father.

I know you have a little life in you yet.  
I know you have a lot of strength left.  
I know you have a little life in you yet.  
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.  
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking:  
All the things I should have said, that I never said.  
All the things we should have done, but we never did.  
All the things I should have given, but I didn't.  
Oh, darling, make it go,  
Make it go away!

Give me these moments back.  
Give them back to me.  
Give me that little kiss.  
Give me your hand.

I know you have a little life in you yet.  
I know you have a lot of strength left.  
I know you have a little life in you yet.  
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.  
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking;  
Of all the things I should have said, that I never said.  
All the things we should have done, but we never did.  
All the things that you needed from me.  
All the things that you wanted for me.  
All the things I should have given, but I didn't.  
Oh, darling, make it go away!  
Just make it go away now...  
(Kate Bush - This woman's work)

.

.

Edward was quiet for a few moments; the low hum of his breathing sounded as if it were calculated and unnatural. Begging me to question…

"Why do you keep asking?" I inquired, nudging him playfully with my elbow as we sat at the kitchen island together - drinking. Perhaps getting a bit too serious; probably mostly because - we'd been drinking.

"I figured maybe you'd have thought about what I said…" His demeanor changed entirely with a shrug; I could tell he was trying to brush it off. His shoulders gave him away; the way they slumped forward as he raised his beer bottle to take a long swig.

"I haven't thought about it too much. I mean…I don't really have options until September. If I were going to go to college, I probably wouldn't register until the fall…" I doubted Charlie had some secret college fund I was unaware of. He wasn't pushing college like I'd anticipated he would. He seemed satisfied with the fact I was still breathing on his watch. My life was on hold, in wait to become legal - so I could run off with an inheritance.

"Besides - Charlie would never let me leave home before I turned eighteen." I admitted, as I sipped my beer.

"What if I get the scholarship for Chicago?" Edward asked solemnly.

"Then you go and graciously accept the honor." I noted, not really thinking of what Edward going to Chicago would mean. It was an opportunity; his opportunity. Yet when I met his gaze; he looked so frail…

"You can tell me anything…" I interjected; into the brewing silence.

"That painting is a view inside my world and twenty-three steps away; already seems too far. If I let go of that painting, I lose you; everything. Winning that scholarship would be the dumbest fucking…It's stupid Bella…" I quietly listened to Edward's argument... A little surprised that apparently; he'd already decided he weren't going. I thought we already discussed this shit before… Still, it annoyed me; he was trying to convince me it was stupid - when it was anything but…

"So… Take me with you…" I threw myself out there…

"I couldn't ask you to sacrifice for me." Edward scoffed…

"You're not going to ruin your life because of me…" I shook my head in disbelief…

"Bella…" Edward scolded.

"Fine. But ask me what I want…I don't give a shit about anything else, I care about you." I protested; hoping to end the ridiculous banter. I didn't know what the hell I was doing with my life…yet; but I refused to be the reason why Edward would put his on hold…

.

.

_I'll be here waiting;_

_Wearing my heart on my sleeve._

.

.

Edward asked me to go outside; we didn't head out until he'd given Alice and Jasper enough pillows and blankets to crash on the couch. He was booed for being lame and ducking out of what they considered a party. Seemed they failed to notice we'd been away, in the kitchen for quite awhile… Surely, our company wasn't inspiring.

I expected Edward to light up once we were outside; and he did. It was cold, damp, and I tried my damnedest not to shake or sway in the breeze.

"Maybe we should consider therapy again… You know I'd go with you." Edward boldly noted. But I knew before he spoke, that it wasn't going to be good. Why take me outside? Unless he knew I might react badly…

"I haven't felt this alive in a long time… Why?" I asked calmly, shrugging as I sunk my teeth into my bottom lip; so hard I'd almost drawn blood - but I was going to remain rational and keep my shit together. _Don't be the crazy girl Bella… _

"I don't want to end up being your stepping stone; or someone you settle for. You've been the only one in my heart…And while I secretly hoped and prayed you'd one day feel the same… I can't help but question, why now? Are you only with me because you need me, and not because I'm really the one you want… Do you even know what you want?" By the time Edward finished blabbering I was stunned, and hot under the collar… The atmosphere shifted to; what I imagined would be a cold night in hell…

"If you don't want to be with me… Then just fucking say it, because it's a hell of a lot easier to comprehend then all off the bullshit you're spewing." I seethed, with my arms firmly wrapped around my torso - I tried to restrain myself from sucker punching him in the junk…

"Bella…." Edward hissed into the cool night air, flicking his cigarette off somewhere behind him.

"You question me like I'm some fucking brain dead… fucking, fuck… Fuck you!" I flipped him off. Crazy Bella wanted to come out and play… I headed out the front gate; metaphorically picking up my ball and running home.

"You misunderstood what I meant…" Edward shouted at my back, but eventually caught up with me on my porch. I went inside and he blocked the door from closing with his arm.

"Just wait…" Edward hissed, angry. Which only fueled my anger… I couldn't remember calling him a socially inept retard and asking him for a clean bill of mental health…

"Define need… No, wait - I'll define it for you. Necessity… I'm not dependant on you for survival Edward. Break me and I'll fly on a broomstick if I fucking have to…I have too much pride… And I'm done fucking crying." I angled my footing to close the door on him, but he wasn't giving in - he'd already made a firm stance on the other side of the door.

"Goodnight Edward…" I hinted… Too angry and bitter, to cry.

"If you don't let me in, I'm going to kick in the door… I'd rather not do that with you behind it." Edward spoke in an eerily calm tone, which only sufficed to remind me that I was indeed; in-fact the crazy one… I backed off the door and seated myself on the staircase…

I felt incredibly numb, almost in a state of shock? I don't know - but I certainly felt traumatized… I didn't even have the energy to comprehend what this would all mean by morning; I didn't want to deal with it…which was fucking typical.

Edward looked me over for a moment before he closed the door behind him. He looked as if he expected me to say or perhaps throw something…but I was already admitting defeat in silence. At least I wasn't fucking crying…yet.

.

.

Some words are meant to hurt;

And cut deeper than the truth.

.

.

I thought about everything Edward had said. Hell, we were young - we were expected to not know what we wanted out of life… I wasn't sure what kind of fucking trip he were on, but I wanted off…

"It's a trigger… My trigger, and you're right…" Edward noted as he seated himself beside me on the steps, with his hands loosely folded to dangle between his legs. I found it ironic that he were guarding himself as if he'd been able to read my thoughts… I hadn't punched him in the junk, yet…

"I don't want to be your boyfriend." Edward admitted; almost proudly… I was still breathing, it was my only focus when my entire world died and I was thinking I might pass the fuck out.

"Leave…" I exhaled, raspy - my throat tight and immensely dry; but I'd managed to make my request known. Edward rose from my side, I couldn't bring myself to look him in the face…

"Remember when…? We were kids…and you insisted you were going to marry Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid; because, well.. mermaids weren't real…" I could see clearly that Edward was trying to play on our history to manipulate my emotions…

"Yet again and again... You married me… I'm still not a prince and I want something I can't expect you to honestly give. It's so fucking ridiculous, even more so considering the divorce rate is higher among couples that marry young…and there's like a 41% chance that it won't work out or something.." Edward rambled, I watched his feet shuffle as he paced the hall, re-counting his thoughts…

"You're drunk…" I realized; even though the entire argument managed to shake me sober.

"I bought a ring…" He threw out there as if it all made perfect sense and had nothing to do with his being drunk… Ignoring my accusation completely.

"What?" …._the hell are you going on about? _Edward shoved a silver moonstone ring in my palm… It wasn't just any ring - but the one I was sure I'd never find… Even though I combed the shores of the beach; every visit…

"I don't know if it's the very same, I found it in a pawn shop near Seattle." Edward noted; while I wasn't certain it were hers, I wanted to believe it. I'd borrowed this ring without asking when I was nine and ultimately lost it; it was the first ring my father gave my mother…

.

.

_Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy_

_Why do you love me?_

.

.

I didn't know what the hell anything meant. Edward spoke in riddles and I hoped once the alcohol wore off we could go back to being; together…

I woke on the couch to Charlie dropping his bags in the hall. I stretched; until a moment of panic washed over me… Trying to wake my brain to comprehend what the fuck was going on around me. Edward was gone…

"Bella…you should sleep upstairs." Charlie noted, a bit of guilt arching in his brow.

"I'm good, you're home early…" I commented as I dragged myself out from under the afghan. The clock on the wall read ten-sixteen.

"I have some errands to run…but tonight; we're having dinner together." Charlie spoke in his stern parental tone. I wondered if he'd caught something out of place, knew Edward had been over… I couldn't find any remnants of Edward with my sleepy eyes.

"Yeah, sure…" I nodded, hardly amused as I rounded the staircase to head up to my room. If only to catch a glimpse of Edward….

I found Alice in my bed… And Edward slumped unmoving over the desk in his room. The garbage can he kept close beside him - cut out the view of his face; his messy copper strands glittered in the sunlight… I was completely enthralled with Edward - even when he was a dick.

"Bella…" Alice whispered in a raspy tone as I leaned into the windowsill, sympathetic. It looked like Jasper was just thrown haphazardly on the floor…

"Hm…?" I hummed, casually… Ignoring the fact, I'd been caught ogling Edward. I shifted from the window and paced the floor to Alice, raising the comforter to climb into bed beside her.

"Late night…" She giggled softly. Her lipstick completely worn from her mouth, but the make-up on her eyes remained beautifully intact…

"Why didn't you wake me when you came in?" I asked in a whisper, chatting up a radiantly glowing, Alice…

"I did…" She raised her arm from the covers to look at the watch on her wrist.. "…Over an hour ago, Edward woke me up." She didn't sound very pleased with that fact… I remained both thankful and confused; over Edward correcting the sleeping arrangements.

"He gave it to you…" Alice squealed, grabbing my hand for a closer look; at what I was convinced was my mother's ring… So loud that Charlie came bursting through the door.

"Girls…" Charlie scolded as he caught his breath, obviously he thought something awful had happened to me… As if I'd ever fucking squeal…

"Bella, you didn't tell me Alice stayed the night." Charlie shook his head…

"I was half-asleep…" I excused my behavior.

"Hi, Alice… and Bella, don't forget about dinner tonight." He reminded me before backing out and closing the door softly behind him. In which we both burst into laughter like a couple of pre-teen girls.

"You knew about the ring?" I cut to the chase; eager to get the gossip from Alice…

"Jasper was with him when he bought it… I got dibs on being your maid of honor, don't you forget it…" Alice quipped, poking me in the side…

"What?" I couldn't help but laugh…

"You mean he didn't…" And now Alice appeared just as confused as I was…

"No…" I exhaled, trying to make sense of it all. Hell, we haven't completely ventured out from under the shade we've been tucking our relationship under. Don't you have to admit you're at least dating or some shit before that can happen? Alice was out of her fucking mind.

"He told Jasper you were the one… And the ring, I just assumed." Her expression distorted; apologetic.

"He rattled off statistics on how it wouldn't work and he wasn't a prince, but…" I laughed, recounting the details of the night… "Edward was drunk…" Alice reached out, hugging me under the blankets…

"I love you Bella… Thanks for setting that all up." Alice insisted… I had to laugh because I hadn't set anything up - it was entirely Alice's plan. I had no hand in it aside from letting her steamroll me.

"I love you too; even if you are a pain in my ass…" I slapped her ass hard under the covers; which left her squealing and flopping like a fish out of water.

"Girls…" Charlie scolded from his bedroom down at the end of the hall; he must have still been unpacking…

.

.

A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.

I'm no, Alice…

.

.

We decided it was time to get up - or rather away from my dad. It wasn't often I had friends over, but it seemed when I did he was great about bitching. Even though he kept insisting I do more activities with friends… We never did see eye to eye…

I drove Alice home. The sun shone warm - and spring had pretty much sprung… I decided to go inside with her, to avoid Charlie. Hopefully by the time I got back, he'd be busy with his errands…

We were curled up in her bed, recounting the nights events. Alice was head over heels in love with Jasper already… I wasn't surprised, Alice fell in and out of love with things everyday. Her wardrobe was constantly changing as a side-effect…

We were both pretty confused about Edward, but I don't think Alice ever really understood him like I did… I expected her to convince me that therapy couldn't hurt, but she didn't. She let me vent; and when I left her house I was considering making an appointment on Monday.

I showered and picked up my room a little bit… Mostly to distract myself from the fact that Edward hadn't made any effort to contact me. I moved Edward's recorder to the top shelf of my closet; to better preserve my mother's recording; but mostly to remove the undeniable urge to play it every single time I came in contact with it.

The phone rang, Charlie grabbed it before I could…

"Bella…" I grabbed the phone in my room.

"You'll see her in a few minutes. Get going Bella…" Charlie scolded in an un-amused sharp tone… I knew it was Edward before Charlie hung up the phone. Edward scoffed, a breathy laugh once Charlie hung up the other line…

"You know; I don't think he likes me…" Edward admitted in a careless tone.

"He'll like you more when I start going to therapy." I noted, balancing the phone to my ear as I reached to put on my sneakers.

"Bella…" Edward's tone shifted apologetic before a silence hung on the line as if he were trying to recount the events of the previous night… Find the proper words to express his deepest apology...

"It's okay. It might be better this time; going in there with a clear head." I spoke; trying to convince myself of the words I were speaking…

"I love you… I know I was kind of fucked up, but I meant what I said… and I'll settle for being your boyfriend; for now." Edward quipped, taunting me… I couldn't help but laugh at how he ended his little profession…

.

.

_Handing everything over to you,_

_In hopes, you'll be the one to keep me whole._

.

.

Dinner was typical; except the silence seemed awkwardly strange tonight… Considering Charlie was so damn eager to make sure everyone was in attendance. I decided to break the silence with the question that should have been asked…

"So…how was your weekend?" I shifted my gaze to throw my father into the hot seat. Immediately he started chewing slower as if he were trying to think of a good lie… But that moment had already passed; caught…

"Where did you get that ring?" Charlie changed the topic entirely, asking in a raised almost scolding tone; nearly choking on the food in his mouth. Are you watching Elizabeth; look at those poor table manners…Are you sure you want my father? My father? He'd grasped my hand, looking the ring over with suspect.

"It was a gift from Edward, he found it in a pawn shop near Seattle… I think…" Before I could even finish my statement, Charlie had torn the ring off my finger… To glare at Edward…

"This was her mother's ring…" Charlie lashed into Edward; in a tone that sounded like he was accusing him of stealing it. He held the ring out toward him to remind him; as if Edward could have forgotten what it looked like.

"That's why I bought it…" Edward spoke slowly, but sternly; his words laced completely with truth.

"Edward…" Charlie shook his head in disbelief, pulling the ring back and removing it from our view. I'd played this with him countless times. He was giving Edward one last chance to tell the truth before he'd blow up… Except this was Edward and not me; it wasn't as if he could ground him for eternity…

"Are you pissed that I have it, or because Edward gave it to me?" I asked, entirely curious…

"What? Watch the language Bella…" Confusion crossed Charlie's brow as he thought over my concern.

"It isn't very becoming of a lady Bella…" Elizabeth chimed in - in a sickly sweet tone; as if she could ever be my mother…

"Yeah, maybe you want to give my mother's ring to her instead…" I gave her a knowing stare… Immediately I saw her backpedaling, she even stammered before seeking my father for guidance.

"Bella…" Charlie scolded…and I couldn't help but laugh.

"And this is our life…" I eyed Edward with a smile; which brought on his laughter. Our parents were beside themselves…huddled at the opposing corner of the table; trying to decipher what the hell was going on between Edward and I.

"That's enough…" Charlie scolded. "This wasn't what I'd planned…" He looked apologetic toward Edward's mother…

"Oh, this was all planned? What the fuck kind of announcement is this!" I spoke with disgust… Edward grabbed my hand, giving it a tight squeeze… His gaze told me to quiet… The color had faded from his cheeks and he looked like he might have fallen ill…

"An engagement…" Elizabeth started…

"No, he's not…" Edward managed to muster in a strained, but calm tone; which shocked the hell out of me…

"That's a big step…" Elizabeth nodded in Edward's direction; trying to ease his tension… He was gripping my hand so tightly, all of my fingers were starting to turn purple. It suddenly dawned on me that Edward were probably still digesting what was going on; the way he clung to me - told me he knew. It was the death grip of; _say it isn't fucking so_…

"Bella…" I couldn't read his tone, he didn't seem angry or bitter toward me - but he was still shutting off the circulation in my hand. My fingers tingled as if they were being pricked by thousands of tiny small needles. I reached for Edward's hand which was entirely consuming mine; to soothe him into releasing my other hand.

"Fuck…I'm sorry…" Edward pulled his hand back and rose from his chair, wearing a startled expression upon the realization of how intense his grip had been on my hand.

"We are all very sorry…" Elizabeth chimed in to apologize for everyone in a giant sympathetic sweep.

"I wanted to tell you…" Charlie rested a hand on my shoulder; a consolation prize…

"Then tell me; what the fuck is going on?" Bitterness laced the edge of my tone, unable to hide my resentment…

"We're discussing which house to put on the market…" My heart sank… This shit was actually fucking serious…

"You can't be serious?" I pushed my dinner plate aside; it clanked into my water glass, nearly spilling it.

"Great, we can share a room… Maybe, they'll even get us bunk beds…" Edward quipped but his expression hung solemn. The hard edges in Edward's tone were incredibly sexy; and the timing was god awful, but I could already envision myself dry humping his leg.

"You're too young and arrogant; to know what's good for you…" Charlie scoffed; like he knew it all and we were young, naïve, and incredibly stupid punk ass kids… I'll be the first to admit we were disrespectful; but they hadn't really been honest with us either…

"You married mom when you were nineteen; you never even went to college…" While their wedding was small, my mother never spoke of it with regret. It was always the perfect day, with the most beautiful flowers, and his vows romanced her eyes every time she'd recount each of the finest details from memory… I refused to believe that memory had died in his heart.

.

.

I can live

_Because you lived for me_

And I can love

_Because you loved me_

.

.

The _family _meeting adjourned at ten-fifteen. It was decided that nothing was decided, but we'd figure it out. We were asked to stop our little charade; or whatever it was.

Charlie took away my phone; further reminding me that I was young and stupid… Then gave me the third degree… Before trying to beat into my brain that Edward wasn't doing me any favors. The atmosphere felt like I was grounded; but I remained unchained. I could leave; if I wanted to… The rest of his ramblings fell on deaf ears - _la la la la la _- and eventually he'd stormed out of my room.

I was giving Edward the summary of what went down in five pages or less. When his reply put me in a playful mood…

_Would you date… _Edward held up his notepad and black sharpie.

_Your brother? _Turning the page; he'd finished his question. I could laugh about it now; because I'd already made up my mind and was particularly stubborn.

_Depends, are you? _I teased, dragging my purple marker over my notebook; while Edward looked like he was wasting away pages of an expensive drawing pad.

_If I were? _He shook his head;, unbelieving, disappointed? In the words he had scrawled across a clean page.

_Totally! _I'd printed in big block letters, humoring him; with the truth… But Edward didn't look amused. He was wearing the initial shock I wore when I realized my father had been fucking our neighbor... But I'd come to terms with the fact that I'd be eighteen by the end of summer. Elizabeth had been a good friend to Charlie and while I wasn't happy about it; it could be worse. It would all be over with soon enough - I'd move away to ignore it, and live in denial comfortably…

_Promise me… _Edward held up his drawing pad

_Step-brother. _I corrected him, before closing my notebook.

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 12 - Tortured Step**

Thanks for dropping by!


	13. Chapter 13 Tortured Start

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 13 - Tortured Start**

.

.

You can go  
You can start all over again  
You can try to find a way to make another day go by  
You can hide  
Hold all your feelings inside  
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday  
We'll figure all this out  
Try to put an end to all our doubt  
Try to find a way to make things better now and  
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud  
We'll be better off somehow  
Someday

Now wait  
And try to find another mistake  
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind  
You can run, oh  
And when everything is over and done  
You can shine a little light on everything around you  
Man it's good to be someone

And maybe someday  
We'll figure all this out  
Try to put an end to all our doubt  
Try to find a way to make things better now and  
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud  
We'll be better off somehow  
Someday

And I don't want to wait  
I just want to know  
I just want to hear you tell me so  
Give it to me straight  
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday  
We'll figure all this out  
We'll put an end to all our doubt  
Try to find a way to just feel better now and  
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud  
We'll be better off somehow  
Someday

Cause sometimes we don't really notice  
Just how good it can get  
So maybe we should start all over  
Start all over again

Cause sometimes we don't really notice  
Just how good it can get  
So maybe we should start all over  
Start all over again  
(Rob Thomas - Someday)

.

.

_Monday was anything but typical…_

I dreaded Mondays… Especially this one. My stomach was a winding ball of knots over the whole Mike fiasco by the time I crawled out of bed. Then I was caught completely off guard when I went to wash my face. Written in fine print black sharpie, had to be because this shit wasn't just washing off… The word _promise _was printed on my ring finger and I had a pretty good idea as to who put it there. Aside from the writing being a dead pan give away; I couldn't imagine anyone else would be interested in creeping around my room at night. Nor that Edward would let them…

We started the day off right; late to Biology. Which gave us a few minutes in the office, while we waited for passes. We shared a comfortable ogling silence; exchanging smiles. In those moments I realized we were pretty fucking happy. When it was just us and the hum of the world quieted around us - in those still moments; we were perfect….or _perfectly flawed_. We waited; for what would probably cost us another Saturday.

We were less than fifteen minutes tardy; so they let us slide, sending us back to Kudla with hall passes. He wasn't satisfied with the outcome, so we were sent to sit at the naughty table.

Edward was rather quiet and thoughtful the entire morning… He looked like he was reading a script behind his eyes, entirely distracted and dazed. Which carried on through art. We parted for our next classes. I was eager for lunch, to figure out why Edward was so distracted… I stopped at my locker to grab my English book.

"Did I tell you? Your ass looks amazing today." Edward's tone brushed at my back, just as I'd managed to wrangle my English book from the mess of my locker.

"Glad I have you to watch my back…" I quipped, handing my English book off to him; so I could deal with closing my locker properly. A body slam and two kicks did the trick; fucker finally closed. Edward's arm coiled from behind; to hand off my English book. Except he didn't let go, he used it as leverage to pull me into him.

"See you at lunch." He brushed his lips along my jaw before backpedaling down the hall with his history book concealing what my ass already knew. Amused, I bit my lip and shook my head at him. He flashed me a smile before sweeping down the hall toward his class.

I spent most of English thinking about Edward's semi-boner. I was done trying to label what Edward and I were. We just were…and it was perfect; for now. It was time to stop fucking it up with the minor details.

Lunch - Edward was already waiting for me; but he didn't leave to get our trays. Instead he reached to take my hands in his…

"No, Edward… I will not blow you in the bathroom." I teased; holding onto my mock serious tone fairly well. He was so damn frigid; and it wasn't like him to skip lunch - no matter how nasty, vile, gross, and disgusting it was.

"That's not what I was going to say…" He shook his head slowly, yet couldn't halt the grin from spreading slowly over his lips. Revealing a much less frigid Edward…

"You should smile more often; we're going to have to work on that." I smiled, watching the way he delicately held my hands in his. The word _promise _in his print still clearly legible on my finger.

"Would you let me talk?" He laughed softly…

"Fine, speak…" I prompted, giving his hands a gentle squeeze.

"Last night…" Edward started, and then paused…

"You couldn't sleep…" I noted.

"God, no…" Edward exhaled sharply, his hands started to shake nervously - in which he gripped my hands; trying to reel himself back in. I couldn't put words into Edwards mouth, and I'm sure I looked rather perturbed as I tried to figure out what the fuck he was about to say…

"I'm sorry, there's so much I want to say… And the more I think about it to condense, the longer it gets…" He shook his head with his mouth agape; as if he were still thinking on it…

"Edward…" I stared him down, trying to find some focus - and when our eyes met...

"Let's grab lunch…" Edward rose from his chair briskly, failing to release my hands - it was obvious he expected me to get in the lunch line with him. I gave in and assisted with allowing him to pull me from my chair. We rounded our table and headed for the lunch line, Edward caught me a bit off guard when he reached for my hand again. It wasn't like us to do the whole lovey-dovey scene among our peers - who probably weren't watching us anyway…

And of course I should have expected that Mike wouldn't ever admit to getting that banged up; from a girl. The word today was that Mike was in a knife fight outside of a bar… Such a fucking hero that guy… At least I didn't have to deal with it. Tanya gave me shitty looks in Art class, but that was to be expected on any given day.

I was just about to decipher what the hell was on the menu, when Edward spun out in front of me. Halting my walking pace and blocking my view of the cafeteria line completely.

"Kiss me…" Before I'd had the chance to respond, Edward had already closed the small gap between us - conquering my lips with his own. There was nothing sweet, slow, or savory about this kiss… It was rough, fast, and I questioned if his motive were solely to leave a hickey on my mouth.

It ended abruptly with us being sent to sit in the office by security; currently waiting for the dean. Elizabeth was already in the building - so she was called down. She sat beside Edward, scolding him in a whisper under her breath… I couldn't make out what she said…

I wasn't confused about why we were here. Public displays of affection tend to be frowned upon; Edward had violated my lips to the point that they were still on fire.

.

.

We live in a world of things, and our only connection with them;

is that we know how to manipulate or to consume them.

.

.

"Is everything okay?" Edward asked on the ride home. Suspended for three days; for a kiss that was more pain than pleasure… _Effective immediately_.

"Yeah…" I nodded, startled by his concern. _Well, now everyone knows you're my girl_. Continued to play on repeat over and over again in my head. Edward definitely knew how to make a statement.

"You don't have to prove.." I started…

"Everyone knows, there's no going back…" Edward interrupted, raising a hand to brush my cheek.

"You really do love me?" Edward exclaimed in a tone that sounded as if he were amazed; before flashing that stupid smile I fell in love with.

"There was already no going back for me…" I confessed. Ultimately, I had received what I wanted; a label. Now it symbolized; I may or may not be dating my step-brother…? Depending on the outcome of our parents relationship…

Elizabeth pulled in the drive just after we did. Edward walked me to my door; not to come inside but to spare himself a few minutes before his impending doom. He left me with a chaste kiss and a promise that he'd give me a call.

I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich… Of course I took it to go; waiting on Edward. A few hours later and still no sign of Edward… I was becoming a little bitter; it was taking too long. Then a hundred wild thoughts ran through my head; wondering what she was telling him. Maybe she was convincing him… He'd just made one of the _biggest mistakes _of his life…

Charlie came home from work early. It was obvious he already knew because he made a point to show in each mannerism and grunt he made; that he was pissed off. Though he didn't really say much to me aside from ordering me to go to dinner. I imagined he was holding in his anger to have this discussion then. What were we some sort of family unit now? We'd all discuss the consequences together type deal… That never did go over well in the past…

I later noticed that a black car had pulled into Edward's drive at some point; while I was listening to Charlie huff around the house. Still no sign of Edward…

The _unfamiliar_ car was still in the drive as we approached for dinner. Elizabeth let us in; she sounded a little too cheerful. Stepping inside; my eyes immediately searched for Edward… He was already waiting at the dining room table; seated with a dinner guest?

.

.

I am what I have, and if I lose what I have; who then am I?

.

.

A therapist had come before dinner. I didn't really catch her name - Jeanie, Janine, Judith…it started with a J-something. It appeared from her introduction she'd already spoken with our parents over the phone. And when we were each offered a chance to give a summary of our thoughts and introduce ourselves; I decided to go first… She was already sizing me up anyway…

"I'm Bella…Charlie's daughter. I've managed to riddle myself with anxiety provoking thoughts and at times I've been known to be mentally unstable and emotionally unavailable. I'll be the first to admit I have issues and I don't always handle them maturely, but as everyone keeps reminding me - I'm seventeen." Charlie sneered and raised his hand, ready to lash into me - because to him I wasn't taking this seriously… _Did he ever really listen?_

"Allow her to finish…Continue Bella." The therapist penned down a few more notes, as she nodded; urging me to continue.

"Edward has been my best friend since I was seven. After I lost my mother, not many would tolerate me. Hell, I shouldn't have tolerated myself. We've had our ups and downs, but losing sight of my friendship with Edward was one of the biggest mistakes of my life." I admitted.

"I get it… We're here because our parents have been dating nearly a year behind our backs. Things have changed between Edward and I, and that ruined whatever expectations they had for the future. Not just for them, but for us.."

"I mean, at first I wasn't thrilled with the idea that my dad was getting intimate with our neighbor. But, then as I thought more about my future; I accepted it. I'm going to be leaving for college soon, and I'm going to stand by my original opinion that I think Elizabeth has been a good friend to him." I nodded in their general direction as we all remained seated around the dining room table.

"We've heard all of their concerns; some are pretty fucking stupid if I'm going to be frank. Our parents care more about what their so called friends in our small town will think; over our happiness. It's not like Edward and I share the same DNA. Live and let live." Ta-da! This is all so fucking stupid…

"Too many of our friends and classmates already know. It would be hard to sweep this under the rug quietly, like they expect us to." Edward noted, smug. I couldn't help but crack a smile. So… That's what the cafeteria display was all about…

"I'm not ashamed of us, nor them - and there isn't anything you can say to change my mind." I interjected, my fathers expression hardened, he appeared angry… With a clenched jaw he remained quiet, overlooking his hands that were folded before him on the table.

The therapist hadn't said much and I was thinking maybe I'd go to school to become one. Get paid insane amounts of money to listen to others problems and then boss them around and tell them what to do. If they don't do as I say, they failed at life for not taking my advice. I'll always win, always be right, and it won't even matter because I'll be over-paid. It's like doctor slash fortune teller - and maybe one day I might even be able to write prescriptions. Who wouldn't want that on their resume?

"Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce; if we're going to go by facts. We should be more worried about the consequences of their impending future, not ours." Edward tossed out with a shrug, as he stretched in his chair.

"So condescending…" Charlie huffed in a barely audible tone.

"I'll be the first to admit I'm being selfish; I just want to be happy - and I don't think there's anything wrong with that." I admitted, calmly.

"We're all being selfish." Edward scoffed with a hint of what sounded like he were about to laugh.

"Joanne; It's become a them versus us… Who is more deserving? My opinion is a bit biased because I still don't know how I feel about my mother dating… As far as I'm concerned, they just started dating yesterday and I sure as hell don't want Charlie moving in here… But for Bella; I'd accept it." Ah-ha, That's her name; Joanne… The way she studied Edward, told me she knew him… I was guessing he'd probably received her services in the past.

"Charlie and I don't get along and I'm pissed off that my mother would choose him over _me_. Making important life decisions _without_ _me_, when I thought it was about _us_. Instead; she lets _him_ lay this shit on me…" Edward wore a scowl, his breathing became labored as he tried to put his thoughts into words.

"I'd apologize for the timing Edward; but when would the time be right? You know I loved your father with everything inside my being…" Edward listened quietly as Elizabeth spoke apologetically, shaking his head with his gaze lowered… Upon closer inspection of his shoulders, it appeared as if his entire body may have been quaking. Elizabeth's statement caught me off guard, I couldn't help but wonder if she were saying it out-loud to convince Edward or herself… Her tone made me question if she only sought to ease her own guilt.

"My fear is that you've latched onto Bella to have someone to commiserate with… With ideals of living happily ever after in a funk without paying notice to reality." Edwards mother continued to speak in a relaxed sugary sweet tone; it made me wonder if the woman knew how to be angry. If she had buttons; if they could ever be pushed… Had she ever screamed at the top of her lungs; just to be heard.

Well… I refrained from being that _crazy_ girl. I said nothing, accepting Elizabeth's insults for the truth that they _were.._. Disappointed; that my father didn't make any motion to defend me.

"Edward, we've discussed your drawings… Have you shown her yet? I think your mother may have some valid concerns." Joanne noted, rifling through a few pages she had laid out before her.

"Yes…" Edward grunted… "I let Bella see them…"

"Have I seen these drawings?" Elizabeth asked, searching Edward's gaze.

"No." Edward answered boldly in one quick syllable.

"I've seen his drawings, they're beautiful… What's wrong with them?" I searched Edward's face… Joanne straightened a couple manila files out of the corner of my eye.

"You're an unhealthy fascination. The only thing saving me from allowing Joanne to slap a bi-polar diagnosis on me." Edward spoke bluntly; matter-of-fact. I didn't quite know how to take his confession; speechless…

"Edward; that wasn't exactly what was said…" Joanne raised her pen, correcting him.

"No, but it's the no bullshit version." Edward exhaled slowly, irritable; but it appeared he were trying to resolve it by focusing on his breathing… _Just breathe_…

.

.

Accept that all of us can be hurt, that all of us can and surely will at times fail.

Other vulnerabilities, like being embarrassed or risking love, can be terrifying, too.

I think we should follow a simple rule:

If we can take the worst; take the risk.

.

.

The summary; nobody won. I expected Joanne to try to convince us our parents were right, but she did the exact opposite. Reminding them we were nearing adulthood and perhaps should be treated as such. Especially considering therapy would be optional for Edward in just a few short weeks; his eighteenth birthday… That truly nothing could be done as long as we weren't posing a threat to ourselves or others. The same line Charlie heard each time he'd considered having me admitted…

It ended with her encouraging our parents to call her office in the morning; to consider making another appointment. If only to mediate and help keep the lines of communication open… Listen to our bullshit; for a _price_…

Charlie let Joanne out; only to come back and resume the stand-off. Nothing had changed - the ball was in their court; until we turned of legal age.

The tension in the air was thick. When Charlie calmly ordered me to go home, I was more than happy to get the hell out of there. The phone rang ten seconds after I walked in the door.

"You know… I love you." Edward reminded me, he always knew what to say… I almost laughed at the insanity of it. I took the cordless up to my room; he was already waiting in his window as I'd anticipated.

"It isn't over, I'm sure they're plotting out ways to torture us as we speak." I teased, but sadly - it was probably the ugly fucking truth.

"I should have told you about Joanne…" Edward noted.

"I've taken that pop-quiz dozens of times. It's the one that always sets you up to fail." I laughed softly.

"You think it's all bullshit?" Edward asked. His question threw me through a loop - considering he was usually the one reminding me doctors and therapists were full of shit….

"That…or you've succeeded in brain washing me." I joked…but Edward wasn't amused.

"You totally brainwashed me! Planting the seed and plotting - to sweep me off my feet after I've grown." I taunted, trying to get a rise out of him, smile or something damn-it.

"Do you think I'm…" Edward started, trying to find the right words.

"I loved you even before my fascination became _unhealthy_. And maybe I'm guilty of being _obsessive _and perhaps _I do _love you _too much_… It isn't scary yet; but… I'd be lying if I said I don't need you. On some level I will always _need_ you, even if it's just a glance from behind layers of glass. I _need _that hope." Edward spoke softly, with his forehead pressed against the glass. Trying to talk his way out of a diagnosis… That I didn't believe existed.

"I always look forward to seeing you too." I reminded him… Living with the very same anticipation; except in my opinion it was one of the healthiest hobbies I had going… Regardless of how crazy it may appear to those on the outside.

"Remember when we were kids and we used to go to the beach, jump off the cliff and pray we'd miss the rocks. So much nervous energy before the jump, but once we hit the water it was exhilarating; and we wanted to jump again…" Edward smiled, recounting old memories.

"We were so stupid…" I noted, remembering how terrified I was. It was always easier to jump when you had nothing to lose…

"Together we conquered our fears; and the outcome didn't matter - so long as we were in it together." Edward noted; he appeared so vulnerable. Joanne had him bleeding emotion… I knew exactly what he was going through, and it was hard to watch him submit to the bullshit.

Edward was about to continue, when Elizabeth burst into his room. I could hear her faintly; requesting that he get off the phone.

"I'll…uh, see you later." He pulled the phone from his ear as he lowered the shade on his window. I dropped the phone on my desk and got ready for bed; my nightly visitor… A soft knock came at my door.

"Bella?" Charlie called through the door, bah!

"Yeah, come in…" I responded, climbing into bed. Charlie came in, immediately his expression was crossed with confusion…

"You're going to bed early…" He mused aloud, as he looked around my room. The conversation started off awkward… I didn't quite know how to respond to his observation without stating the obvious and causing conflict.

"I'm going to take the week off…" He noted quietly… Fuck, fuck, fuck; played on repeat in my head. Charlie would ensure the three days suspension was miserable…

"Okay…" I pulled my comforter up to my chin…Really; I wanted to throw it over my head and hide. This conversation was over, what more needed to be said?

"I'm going to get some boxes in the morning, we'll start packing…" Charlie tossed out flatly.

"Yeah? This works, how?" I asked, curious of their plan…

"Honestly, I don't know." He shrugged, speaking quietly - then turned to go…

"Wait…" I requested, Charlie paused.

"I'm not trying to make you miserable." I admitted.

"Bella…" He exhaled, sounding tired and emotionally drained.

"It's love; a decade shared is a bit much to be a coincidence." What Edward and I have shared, has always been a work in progress. Eventually; we might build something…

"You're young…" He noted, parental guidance laid thick in his tone.

"We've grown together; it shouldn't be so shocking." I scoffed, tired of being ignored - discriminated; based on age alone.

"Why not someone nice; what about Jacob?" I couldn't help but laugh at his ideals. _Someone like Jacob, ha!_

"Edward's nicer than Jacob." I noted.

"Edward gets you in trouble." Charlie nodded…. No lie, but I've done my share of dragging Edward through the mud too.

"He lets me be myself; no regrets." I blurted.

"Bella…" It was the warning tone, Charlie didn't want to discuss it further.

"Isn't that a quality you can appreciate? What you would want for me?" I asked, pleading for him to take me seriously if even just for two fucking seconds...

"He'd have to love you more than I do... No man; will ever come close." He patted the side of my head, before leaving me with that final thought. He was being ridiculous!

.

.

_It will work out in the end…_

_And if it doesn't work out…_

_Well, it's not the end._

.

.

"Look… I've never met anyone who is as beautiful, kind, and lovely as you. You deserve better. But, I'm hoping you'll stay…" Edwards faint whisper caught my ear.

"Now, you're talking crazy." I pushed my comforter down, to sit up and examine Edward in the faint light streaming from my window.

"You're supposed to be sleeping…" Edward cocked back, to run a hand along the back of his neck. If he could eat his words, surely he would have by his expression.

"How could I? Tomorrow we're packing…" I noted, rather certain Elizabeth had already made mention of it to him. Edward exhaled sharply, as if he'd been reminded of something terrible.

"I mean, it's only until the end of summer. Then we're free!" I raised my arms to express my enthusiasm, while trying to remain quiet enough to not disturb Charlie's slumber.

"They won't ever afford us a moment alone, now that they know better…" Edward expressed his real concern. With a wry smile he crawled into bed beside me.

"I don't know how they expect this to work." I curled up beside him, dragging my fingers over the softness of his faded t-shirt.

"Maybe, we'll still have Tuesdays, bingo night.." I noted, well aware - that I needed more than just Tuesday.

"Maybe…" Edward rolled to face me, before clutching my face in the palms of his hands.

"So… We're breaking all the rules?" I taunted with a smile.

"Unless you tell me to stop…" But he made that option difficult, damn near impossible. Lulling every thought in my head silent with a mere brush of his lips. The kiss was slow, intense; as if we were awakening senses we'd nearly forgotten. Start all over again…

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 13 - Tortured Start**

Thanks for dropping by!


	14. Chapter 14 Tortured Move

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 14 - Tortured Move**

**- This chapter contains mature adult content.**

.

.

I know that the bridges that I've burned along the way  
Have left me with these walls and these scars that won't go away  
And opening up has always been the hardest thing  
Until you came

So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go  
This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known  
And I just can't take my eyes off you  
And I just can't take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty when I just woke up  
And I love how you tease me when I'm moody, and its always enough  
I'm falling fast, and the truth is I'm not scared at all  
You broke my wall

So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go  
This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known  
And I just can't take my eyes off you  
And I just can't take my eyes off you, off you, off you

So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go  
Oh, this feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known  
And I just can't take my eyes off you  
And I just can't take my eyes off you  
(Lady Antebellum - Can't take my eyes off you)

.

.

The kiss ended abruptly; with the sound of the toilet flushing echoing down the hall. We weren't the only ones that couldn't sleep…

"We'll make it work." I reminded him.

"I'm not giving up…" His tone sent an unexpected shiver down my spine; which eventually radiated to my groin. I didn't want to let him go - I missed sleeping in Edward's arms, more than I was willing to admit.

What was supposed to be a chaste kiss; left us lingering at the window until we heard the floorboards creaking in the hall. As I watched him climb back over to his window; leave. I wanted him to take me with him, stay… I hated letting him go…

I threw myself into bed, just as Charlie opened my door. Caught; awake.

"Can't sleep either?" He asked, the obvious…

"No." I noted, with obvious tension. I hated the relationship that Charlie and I shared. He was too much of a parent, hardly ever my friend. And when he wanted to be the friend he tried too hard, made it too obvious - too phony. I'd already grown tired of our little chat.

"Change is never easy…" A real Sherlock Holmes…

"No, but sometimes change is good." I repeated the mantra he'd used on me time and again; beating him to the punch.

"Bella…" His tone said; he was ready to get down to business…

"You have to promise me; not Edward… Of all the people that will come in and out of your life. Trust; that Edward won't be the last." Charlie spoke as if he were saving me from some hard lesson I was hell-bent on learning. As if he could convince me…

"I already promised Edward…" I left it at that.

"Bella…" His tone was near scolding. I could tell he was trying to keep his cool if only for another round of persuasion. He made it seem as if it were hard to love me - I had too many flaws for his tastes. He needed to protect me.

"You're too young to be making any _real_ promises." The age thing again… I wasn't as pathetic as he often liked to believe.

"Well, I won't be young forever." I noted the obvious; like a smart ass.

"Can't we just agree to disagree. This wouldn't even be an issue if mom were still here. She'd remind you that you were young once; and that would probably terrify you even more… But… The only difference is; she's not here to keep you off my back."

"It's concern, it's what father's do." He exhaled in a long tired breath.

"It's smothering. I have to grow up someday. In a few months I'm leaving. - You might still think I'm your little girl, but I'm not!" I protested, bitter.

"Bella, you will always be my little girl; even when you turn forty." Charlie laughed at the little joke he made; not funny… Completely ignoring the fact that I mentioned leaving. He'd deny it when the time came; it's just how he was.

"Dad, I love him…" I blurted in a long exhale.

"…And there's nothing I can do or say, to change that?" His tone was a mix of mocking; yet riddled with a hint of defeat. I don't think he thought I had the ability love, _being so young_ - and certainly if he thought I did somewhere deep down… He'd rather I save it; for anyone but Edward.

"Nothing. I can't even lie to myself anymore. Edward is certifiably crazy, he loves me." I sunk my teeth into my bottom lip… Expecting Charlie to backlash.

"What's amiss with Edward has nothing to do with you baby-girl." But he didn't… He pressed his lips to my forehead, kissing me softly good night - still I couldn't sleep; anxious of the unknown.

.

.

_The heart has its reasons; that reason knows nothing of._

.

.

I couldn't help myself, staring out the window I watched as Edward carried on with boxing the contents of his room. When he failed to notice me, I flashed my desk light into his window several times.

_Why are you _- I held up my notebook.

_Packing? _I'd scrawled out in sloppy pen, with my purple marker. It was then, I realized Edward had packed up quite a bit. It took some rummaging on his end to reply…

When he came up empty, he waved me downstairs… I shook my head, no. Charlie just went back to bed, he was rustling around downstairs moments prior… Edward, nodded. I shook my head, no. I don't know what the hell I was thinking; I wasn't. I'd cross the Sahara for Edward…

Slipping on a pair of jeans, sneakers, and my ratty old hoodie, I crept out the back door and met Edward behind his garage.

"Are we all moving?" I asked in a quiet whisper… Immediately pulling him toward me for warmth. It was exceptionally cold outside after having just crawled out of bed.

"I thought I'd give you my room, it has a bathroom." Edward noted, as if it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be…

"Don't pack, it'll give you an excuse to come see me often." I taunted, brushing my lips against his in a chaste kiss.

"Mmm…." Edward held me close, running his hand briskly over my back to warm me.

"But… I've got bigger plans." He quipped with a mischievous smile that beamed, my favorite…

"Spill!" For a split second, I sounded like Alice.

"I don't want to jinx anything, when it goes through - you'll be the first to know. I promise." Edward was amused, expressing mild humor in my eagerness. I liked that we were making promises…

"I love you…" Spilled from my lips; without hesitation.

"Yeah, you should get inside. Before you catch a cold…" Edward raised the hood on my jacket to cover my head.

.

.

Love is like a wild rose.

Beautiful and calm.

But; willing to draw blood in its defense…

.

.

"Bella!" I woke to my father screaming my name from the foot of the stairs. I yawned, stretched…and lie listening to the banter of shuffling furniture down below.

"Uh…your dad sent me up with these boxes, for you…" My eyes lolled toward my open door. Jacob leaned against the frame, over whelmed with stacks of cardboard.

"Yeah well… Leave them and get out." I retorted, with little tact. I should have known he'd tag along. While I was hoping Charlie only extended the invitation for Billy, Jacob's father to come assist - a bigger part of me knew that was a lie. Charlie had a thing for Jacob - and well, maybe he should date him…

"I'm sorry, I didn't call." That's what he thought this was about? Non-sense…

Jacob went to a different school, lived a drive away, he'd always been a summer friend aside from the occasional visit. While Billy and Charlie fished, I blistered in the sun and Jacob scaled rocks across the water. He told great stories; I could listen to him for hours - mostly because I didn't have much to say. I didn't quite know how to relate to him. He had more energy, and was mostly interested in sports or mechanical things - all boy. Hobbies I couldn't relate to. I stumbled through our friendship, falling behind Jacob's lead.

"Yeah, well…summer is over." I reminded him as I rolled out of bed.

"It doesn't have to be like this…Bella…" If I didn't already know who I was, inside and out. I might have questioned if he were pleading. He didn't need me…

"I'm good. Besides; you've kind of been a dick and I'd rather avoid you." I noted, coldly. I brushed the sleep from my eyes, before opening a dresser drawer to get started on packing.

"But not Edward Masen's, right?"

"What?" His question threw me through a loop… What the hell was he still doing here?

"His dick, you made it pretty obvious…" Jacob squawked , sarcastic amusement in his tone. At this point, he was trying to piss me off.

"Whose dick?" My dad appeared behind Jacob, with more boxes. I sealed my lips in a tight line. I was a little stunned to see this side of Jacob. He was typically soft, quiet - and could find a reasonable retort for anything I threw at him.

I couldn't help but notice that Jacob had grown since last summer - beautiful, in a hunky way; the type of man that graces the cover of Harlequin novels. The kind of hero that doesn't exist in reality.

"Nothing, sir…" Jacob shook his head, complete denial. I couldn't help but smile… Perfect timing; Jacob just fell down a few rungs - in losing a bit of my father's respect.

"Bella… Get on with it, start packing." He sneered as he tossed the boxes into my room. Leaving Jacob with a stern look that read; _I could kill you…with my bare hands, in the blink of an eye; _before heading back downstairs.

"It was just a kiss…" I defended my honor and immediately wondered why the hell I did it. Who cares what Jacob Black thinks…

"That was more than a fucking kiss, and you know it." He nearly growled, profanity escaping his lips in but a whisper. His jealous demeanor both surprised and amused me.

"You want details? In my dreams, every night…" I taunted. I made packing easy… Dump contents of dresser drawer one into a box, write on box - D1, second drawer and box -D2. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Pack - ha! Pouring was easier.

"I'm going to need more boxes…" But Jacob had already left. I screamed my demand again and when nobody offered; I went downstairs after running out of boxes.

"Are there anymore boxes?" I asked nobody in particular. My dad invited a few friends to help with the move - friends I didn't know existed, beyond Billy Black. Thus far the only moving they did was shift the living room furniture out onto the front lawn. Where one had already camped, taking an early break.

"I need more boxes.." Edward came down the hall from the back door… Seeing him was infectious, I couldn't stop my face from lighting up in his presence - big cheesy smile included.

"Bella, you know the rules." Charlie stepped aside, to make time to remind me - after he'd just sent Jacob upstairs. I was onto his game…

"We're moving, it's not my room anymore." I quipped, being a brat. "Like there's any privacy anyway…" I laughed as the third person walked past our little conversation. I think they were working on packing up the kitchen? …or eating, probably drinking too.

"Bella…" Charlie brought out the scolding tone.

"Come on, Edward." I ignored Charlie's protest. Edward trailed up the stairs slowly behind me with empty boxes. Gauging Charlie's reaction before he'd rush to his doom. I assumed Charlie gave him the same look he gave Jacob upstairs, what - fifteen minutes ago…

"Wow, what happened up here?" Edward appeared entirely confused…

"What?" I took the boxes from his hands and continued _pouring_…

"Half-an-hour ago, you were still sleeping…" Edward started to catch onto my packing method.

"Don't you worry about how you're going to find anything?" He started folding the boxes closed for me…

"No, pour a drawer into a box - pour it back into the drawer. Keep it simple; they're labeled." I nodded, wondering if Edward found me quirky. Quirky wasn't really cute…

"Oh…" Edward stared down at all the numbered D boxes…merely going along with it.

"Jacob's here." Edward blurted, announcing as if I'd failed to notice.

"Yeah… Is that why you ran over?" I teased… Flashing Edward a smile, and a little wink.

"Yeah." Edward noted boldly. We shared a small laugh at Edward's expense.

"Thanks." …And I meant it.

.

.

_For you see…_

_Each day I love you more._

_Today more than yesterday; and less than tomorrow._

.

.

Edward started moving my stuff over to his room. Charlie pointed out a few boxes of my mothers knick knacks and several other sealed boxes; he was going to put them in storage until I wanted them. I exhaled a sigh of relief, because I was fairly irritated from the move in general and didn't want to sort through my mothers things.

I think I was still in a state of shock over the whole move. It didn't seem real or final yet… The fact we were only moving next door probably had a lot to do with it. I imagined I'd feel more than just melancholy; once the for sale sign was placed out in the front yard.

The plan was; I was moving into Edward's room. Charlie was moving into the guest bedroom, and Edward was moving into what used to be his father's study, downstairs. Elizabeth kept her bedroom; and while the living situation was far from ideal… It was what we could all agree upon.

They rented a storage unit, which currently sat in our drive... Every time I glanced out the window I caught sight of it. It felt like a huge memorial; containing mostly my mother's and Edward's father's things. That would soon be hauled off for a different place in time.

"Two minutes." I heard Edward call; before his laughter filled the upstairs hall. I had no idea what he was on about, but he seemed giddy; coming to see me…

"Better make good use of them." I quipped. Edward haphazardly brushed against my lips, it was the most chaste kiss he'd ever given me. I reached out for him in protest.

"Shh…" He whispered. Moving over to tinker with his computer he'd left with his desk… Of course I couldn't help but follow; curious and clingy.

"Your window to my room." He tilted the monitor for my viewing pleasure… A view into the study below. Cluttered with my bedroom furniture and boxes.

"Just remember to turn the monitor off, when you're not…" His voice trailed off… he pointed out the button to turn the monitor on and off, whilst he mumbled to himself.

"I should warn you…" His eyes squinted almost as if he were pained to say…

"I can still see you even if you turn the monitor off." He noted. I nodded, not quite understanding why that was such a big deal…

"Okay.." I shrugged…

"Two minutes are up. Night, love you." He pressed his lips to my cheek before running out…

"Edward!" My father's voice echoed in a bitchy tone under my feet.

"No rush, she's not pregnant." Edward quipped, laughing.

"Charlie, it's just a joke…" I could hear Edward's tone from what I guesstimated was the bottom of the stairs, he was backing down from his witty retort. I imagined my father probably appeared angry, not fond of Edward's commentary…

"Edward…" Elizabeth scolded, in a sweet tone that sounded more like a whine than a bark... I highly doubted the woman had any bite in her. Least she was getting involved, I suppose. I envisioned a lot of head-butting in the future…

We decided Edward would use my furniture, and I his. Save us the trouble of swapping out the furniture - mostly avoiding moving any furniture up and down the stairs. Edward had less drawers, which made the pouring method unachievable… I gave up fairly quickly, leaving a trail of open boxes in front of the closet and out on the floor. I had a path from the bed to the bathroom - and access to my stuff… It was organized enough; for now.

When I settled at the computer, turning the monitor screen back on… Edward looked like he had given up on unpacking too. Staring blankly from his bed, my bed… I wasn't sure if he could see me, I guessed not… He didn't give me any attention.

This was a much clearer view into Edward's world; less mystery - without the distance and curtains to block my view. I hadn't felt this creepy and perverted about watching Edward since the night I'd scaled my bookcase to watch him…ahem, sleep.

_Even if it's just a glance from behind layers of glass. I need that hope…_

Edwards words clouded my thoughts; that's what this is… While I'd miss not looking out the window and seeing Edward, there was a level of comfort knowing that he slept under the same roof.

Yet here I am doing all the watching…

Immediately I turned the monitor off.

.

.

Every moment lasts forever;

When you feel you lost your way.

.

.

In the awkward silence of an unfamiliar house - without the distraction of Edward's breathing. Without his heart beating at my back or under my hands… I couldn't sleep.

It was exact silence. Their refrigerator didn't hum softly in the night, the furnace didn't rattle and make loud clicking noises when it kicked on and off… No dripping faucets, and squeaky water pipes. Several years of neglect did a number on our home. I started thinking crazy thoughts - sympathy, for our poor old fucking house…

Rationally; I knew I didn't need or want our house. I also knew I'd probably never be able to properly display or use all of my mother's things; still I couldn't stop hoarding her worldly possessions. I felt as if I needed these items to hold onto the memories; keep her. Chasing history… And I didn't know if that trigger could ever be turned off.

I consoled myself with the fact that Charlie were asking too much for the house. I'd be crazy to buy it. Surely, a stranger wouldn't want it.

Still; it couldn't be mine… I had to let go, move with the world around me.

Everything that resonated within Edward's eyes when I'd turned on the monitor; told me I was home...

_You're so pretty_… - Edward lowered his note and flipped his sketch pad up for me to see. It was a rough sketch; with a view of an elbow, some hair, and a foot. _Mine_; sprawled over Edward's sheets under the hump of his comforter. I couldn't help but smile - almost laugh. Edward was productive as usual.

_Cute toes. _- I could tell by the grin he wore; that he was fucking with me... When I found Edward's top desk drawer empty; I retrieved a stack of small yellow post-its and a black pen from my school binder.

_Bored? Miss me? - _I held up my note, but apparently Edward had trouble reading the fine print. With his direction I realized the camera was built into the top of the monitor.

_Yes, always. - _We were saving paper with the closer window proximity. Edward was still writing on his first page. I peeled off the top post-it, sticking the note to my forehead - in a silly gesture; before I'd lowered my gaze to reply. I was thrilled that Edward was still awake and I was having a hard time concealing that fact.

I didn't know what to say - I wanted him without any boundaries, no holds barred_. _

_I'm thirsty. _- Edward was already smiling when I held up my scribble. I gave him a convincing nod, and then quietly headed downstairs toward the kitchen. Wanting more than a glance from behind layers of glass. I hoped he'd catch on when he'd realize I didn't go into the bathroom…

_Maybe I should have just said; meet in the kitchen, or fuck me - take me, do what you will with me. Lord knows I'm willing…_

I didn't even make it around the corner of the banister and Edward's lips had already brushed my cheek. His hand came up to pluck the post-it note I'd forgotten on my forehead. We shared a brief smile, before Edward tangled his hands in my hair, drawing my mouth to his. The kiss was slow, soft, sweet - playful. When he pulled away; it was but a huge devastating tease…

"Let's go for a ride…" In his urgency for me to respond, he'd begun bribing me with kisses. Soft longing kisses; trailing my jaw, until his lips followed the curve of my neck…

"Edward… Mmm, let's go." I ducked under his arm, walking toward the back door. Deciding quickly, before I'd melt onto the floor under the wake of Edwards slow, soft, sensual kisses. There was something indescribable in his eyes - I couldn't read them, there was just too much there. A depth that wasn't there, earlier…

Edward caught my waist and spun me out the door, closing it quietly behind us as I tried to muffle my laughter at Edward's eagerness.

Once we made it around to the front-yard, I couldn't help but laugh. The run was refreshing… my heart thudded angry in my chest. The cool air nearly burned in my lungs - barefoot in a t-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms. That last pang of panic-anxiety washed over me in a flood; reminding me there was that one last chance to turn back now.

Except; Edward made that easy to avoid. He broke the mold - all of the rules had long flown out the window. And like a true gentleman he'd always take the fall when we got caught - even on the rare occasion where something stupid was my idea.

I loved Edward far longer than either of us realized… All those little things I took for granted.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked quietly, once my laughter ceased and I probably appeared dazed. Waiting; while he unlocked the passenger side door of his car for me.

"You, …and what I'm going to do with you." I quipped, kissing his nose before slipping into the passenger seat.

Edward was smiling from ear to ear as we slowly rolled down his drive. He turned the headlights on once we'd made it a few houses away.

"So…?" Edward sounded nervous… I couldn't help but laugh, exhilarated.

"What?" His tone was playful, eager. We were both excited to be getting out of the house - breaking curfew.

"I'm surprised you haven't figured me out yet." I noted in a teasing tone, keeping it light hearted.

"Oh, I might surprise you…" Edward grinned, nodding in affirmation before shifting his gaze back toward the road.

"Then you know… I'll go anywhere with you. Where-ever you want to lead me; as far as you'll take me. No need to ask." Brazen, I threw myself out there.

"I'd drive you anywhere you want to go…" Edward nodded, eyes shifting back and forth to the road.

"And sometimes; I might ask you to drive me further than I've ever been before…" I slurred my words, for effect; hoping Edward would catch on.

"Something tells me we're not talking about my driving anymore…" Edward shook his head, mouth agape as he tried to form a reply - and eventually it came in a slow garbled burst, like a broken record. "Bella, it's not that I don't want to…" Edward insisted, but my entire mood shifted.

"Except all the way, you'll let me limp that last quarter mile." I interrupted, a little bitchy. I started to notice a pattern; I diagnosed myself as suffering from EWS; Edward Withdraw Syndrome. I tended to be irritable when his lips weren't suctioned to my face. I had ideals of everything being better; if we'd just get on with it… Break that friend barrier for good.

.

.

_Friends make the best lovers. -_

_Says Alice._

_When friends become lovers; the friendship ends.-_

_Says Me._

.

.

Edward was silent for the longest time. I'd gone too far, but couldn't swallow my pride - I wouldn't apologize. I couldn't lie or pretend - for long…

It wasn't even about sex - it was about consistency. Edward's pace seemed to rewind and fast forward based on wild emotion; his terms. Sometimes it was cool for him to get off on dry humping me and others; hell, he'd panic and break away if he thought we might be kissing a little too long. Afraid of where that road may lead us… And the few times, I thought we might actually walk further down that path of exploration - we were interrupted. Anticipation was slowly killing me - to the point where I really just wanted to get it over with; to put an end to that anxiety.

He was starving off intimacy; afraid we'd both want more - mostly me. In some strange way, I - intimidated Edward. It could be laughable if it wasn't so damn depressing.

Edward pulled off into a sparse area of wild grass on the side of a deserted road - hell, at this hour; they were all deserted. It was so dark outside and I couldn't quite pin point where we were at. There were lots of trees - it all looked the same; it didn't matter.

He gripped the steering wheel; his knuckles were so pale, appearing angry. We sat in silence for a few moments, before he finally shifted in his seat to throw the car in park - turning the key, he cut off the engine; killing the lights.

"There's very few things I've done right in my life. I'm kind of a fuck up, in case you haven't noticed." Edward immediately started tearing away at himself, bitter.

"Edward…" I scolded in a heavy breath, concerned with where this was heading.

"I'm not going to; not under our parents roof, in the back seat of a car, or some sleazy motel… You're better than that - God knows, you deserve so much more than me." He continued to try to break it down for me, _explain_…

"How can you not see how beautiful you are; inside and out. Do I have to paint a picture? It would be an improvement on how you see yourself - and that's telling considering I'm near failing art." I quipped, trying to lighten the mood.

"Bella, the only thing beautiful about me; is you." Edward noted, solemn. _His words were so pretty_…

"Why do we rarely talk about your father?" I blurted, wondering if this had to do with the move. Edward was watching his father's belongings ship off too; and his wounds were fresher than mine. He just never seemed as affected - his pain was almost forgettable.

"What's to be said; I was a disappointment until he was on his deathbed. I was the son he always wanted; yet I never measured up. In his eyes my issues never had anything to do with his lack of guidance… He only talked to me when I was in trouble - even then he was unreliable. A workaholic who couldn't make the time of day for me. I'm still not sure if it's out of obligation or guilt; but in those final weeks I loved him. And I hate what he's left me with…" I couldn't be sure, but by the angle of his jaw - it looked like he were speaking through clenched teeth.

"It's easy to forget the hard times when they're gone, they just don't seem as significant anymore…" Edward corrected his previous statement, it was obvious he missed his father.

"Yeah, remember when my mother broke a wooden spoon over my backside for getting my yellow sundress covered in mud; we were already running late for Easter brunch at church…" I remembered Edward asking me for nearly a week after; if I was okay. He asked to see my backside - just to be certain for himself. Gave me questionable looks when I refused to show him my ass - and at the time his concern only embarrassed me further. I just wanted to let it go. Yet here I was bringing it up…

.

.

_Better a diamond with a flaw;_

_Than a pebble without._

.

.

"That was hard to watch… And I worried about you all afternoon." Edward winced with me, in memory. "It was all my fault, I shouldn't have..." He raised a hand to scratch at the back of his neck.

"Looking back now, it was nothing… A lapse in my mother's judgment, a mistake. We all make them." I shrugged, over it.

"For them there is no love or hate; but how we choose to remember them." I noted, trying not to fidget with my hands. I'd rather not talk about it at all, I was trying - for Edward's sake. He needed me to be a friend.

"You've been doing so well…" He reached over and stroked a hand through my hair in a soft comforting gesture. "I thought it would be harder, the move…" He exhaled warily; as if he'd said too much.

"Yeah, I guess - I am." I nodded softly. Somewhat relieved that others could see the changes too. It wasn't just another level of crazy in my head.

"You deserve the nice guy, that mister happily ever after. Someone more like Jacob…" He blurted, pulling away…then got really quiet…

Edward appeared to be reflecting, while on a continuous downward spiral. He hid his emotions well and made it easy for me to forget he had his own share of problems sometimes.

Edward deflected well… I couldn't help but wonder if maybe Edward were so intent on solving my struggles; if only to avoid his own.

"Jacob's only nice when he wants something." I dully noted, somewhat bored of Edward being so down - and trying not to be irritable. To think; he put up with this - from me, for years…

"What?" Edward's tone was sharp, my statement had caught him off guard.

"Beauty and the Beast; Jacob is Gaston." I tossed out an analogy - it was less embarrassing than trying to explain myself.

"And I'm the beast, that's about right…" Edward scoffed, coughing out a heavy breath.

"It's a perfect analogy, you'd do anything for me. You're almost perfect; heavenly goodness wrapped up in a mischievous smile." Analogies were definitely better than my ability to explain myself with a combination of my own words.

"Mischievous smile?" And he tried not to flash it, but failed. I tried not to laugh, unsuccessfully- and Edward started laughing right along with me. He was so beautiful, it was almost heart-breaking that he didn't see it.

His clothes were dusty from moving; his hair a frazzled mess, as if he'd been twisting his hair and scratching his head while he waited for me at the monitor. Still; he was entirely captivating.

"No, but he did…" Edward spoke - when the laughter died; bitter.

"He cornered me while I was moving boxes across the yard." Edward exhaled. "The things Jacob said…" He trailed off, silent - before blurting in a husky tone. "I want you to know, you don't owe me anything; ever." He looked so serious, sad, broken… A side he rarely let me see.

"Bella…" Edward put his hand on my shoulder, startling me.

"Yeah…I know." I nodded, confused. "Are you breaking up with me again?" It felt like déjà vu, except this time we were sober.

"I was drunk…" Edward reminded me, defensive.

"You can have me as long as you'll keep me; and when it's over - trust, I will start over again. I don't want your sympathy." I was wearing my hard exterior; a façade over the mess of emotion bubbling inside - trying to brew its way out.

"I told you, I don't have anymore sympathy to give…" Edward reminded me, sternly.

"Good, then shut up…and keep me; because I want you to." I unlatched my seatbelt to lean over the console unrestrained - to meet the press of Edward's lips…and he pulled back before I could catch them.

"It's funny you should say that…" Edward interrupted, aghast - yet entirely amused.

"When I'm drawing or painting portraits of you…" He started; shifting his gaze to stare down at his hands, haphazardly resting in his lap. Still, a smile beckoned at his lips.

"Metaphorically, In some demented way I feel like I'm marking you. Every delicate detail, touched with the stroke of my brush - my hands. I've already memorized every curve, dimple, freckle…whatever you've given me. When I start feeling guilty for being so pervasive at times, there's a familiar little voice in my head and in this sexy raspy tone _- I want you to_…" I noticed my hand slipping toward the waistband of my pajama bottoms by the time Edward's lips formed the word pervasive… _Beautiful words - incredulous torturous hormonal ache._

_I only wanted to love Edward; and be loved in return._

"Mmm…I want you to." I mimicked the tone Edward had described. Instantly; I'd impressed myself.

"Bella…" He tried for scolding-warning, but it sounded more like a challenge; daring. I dared - dropping my hand lower; and seconds later; the sound of the latch shifting on Edward's door caught my attention. He escaped, closing the door before I could stop him, or even gauge his reaction.

The look in his eyes when he opened my door; made me question whether he was pissed or not. It was so dark; and his eyes didn't have that familiar light to them. He looked impatient, like he was waiting for something - for me to get out of the car? He said nothing, eventually I shifted; swinging my legs out of the open door.

Edward took it upon himself to lurch in, grabbing my hips before I could stand; as he began the fight of trying to lower my pants.

"Edward…" He was being too forward, as if he were fueled by rage.

"You wanted me to drive you further?" He questioned in a raspy breath, but he'd already taken permissions. Continuing the incessant tugging at my pajama bottoms. When the interior light clicked off - I grew eager for the big reveal and even assisted in allowing Edward to remove my bottoms. I couldn't see him clearly, surely he couldn't see me.

There was that safety net in the dark; complete trust. I could be anyone I wanted to be; in the dark…

Edward's warm hand, slowly guided up along my thigh - with the contrast of the chilling breeze brushing against the bareness of my legs. I knew I was wet - and if he continued on the path, he'd soon find what he sought with ease. I was grateful for the drop in intensity; the sudden care he decided to take with me - unlike my garment.

I trusted him; completely. Still; there was that voice - like static; that sent ripples down my spine. Anxiety… What the fuck, it was dark.

Then I thought maybe it was too quiet.

"Can you turn the radio ahnnn…nn..? …" I breathed…until it caught it my throat, frozen. Edwards hand barely brushed against my heat, and it was near quivering to be touched again after the tiniest graze of skin on skin.

"You're bare…" Edward whispered in the dark as if I'd committed a sin. The intensity was back.

"Yeah, so?" I didn't quite understand Edward's tone - judgment. I always shaved. I think at first it started with trying to pretend my body wasn't changing, then I'd convinced myself it was a hygiene issue…

"It's just…" Edward was backing away, shifting to rest on his heels. "Surprising, unexpected…" He shook his head, sounding more aghast with every word he spoke, it left a bitter taste on my tongue and I didn't quite know how to react.

"What are you saying?" I asked, sheepishly. With elbows propped on the console behind me; exposed.

"You've never?" Edward caught the plague again, rising to his feet - he even took a step away. His tone was bitter; he sounded dejected.

"No, I never let the hair grow in." I tossed out there as if it were no big deal. I half expected some sort of awkwardness - but I didn't expect Edward to question my virtue. That's what this was all about… My expectations.

"Wait, never not shaved?" Now he sounded more amused and confused, than bitter. Intrigued even…

"No… Lots of women shave, wax, pluck - it's fairly common. You can google it…"

"You can google it." Edward tried to feign being insulted. That was one of his smart-ass lines; and I'd finally robbed him of it.

"Mmm…You want a hug?" I rose from the car, bare-assed; to plant my lips on Edwards. He immediately wrapped his arms around me, gripping my ass by the palm-full.

"Yeah,…like that?" He whimpered against my lips, pulling me taut to the bulge in his pants. And we were on again.

.

.

_I generally avoid temptation;_

_Unless I can't resist it._

.

.

"Mmm…I want to sit on your lap." I confessed - blurted, it had been so long since I'd felt that closeness, his heart beating out of his chest - into mine…

As I straddled him…

On the hood of his car… I realized I was probably fulfilling a wet dream of his…

Slipping down the warmed steel in my ever unsuccessful climb to reach the bulge in Edward's jeans. I imagined this was what it would be like to climb Mt. Everest…and found humor in my athletic abilities. With every slow slippery slide down the hood, I laughed - before the next attempt.

Edward sensing my struggle - slid down the hood, shifting back onto his feet.

Taking me with him, he gripped my ass, as he lifted me up. Briefly grinding into me before tossing me over the hood. It buckled and popped back, under our weight… When Edward backed away to leave me lying over the hood, I expected the party to be over.

Edward's car cried when the hood temporarily caved in - he wouldn't want to risk fucking up his pretty car. I was just about to remove myself from the hood when the sound of leather gliding along metal; combined with the familiar jingle of a belt buckle had me gulping. Edward was opening his pants and with the light cast at his back, I couldn't even make out his expression. I caught the shadows of strong arms working; elbows pointing out jaggedly - his hands were definitely below the waist.

"Edward…" I was having second thoughts, but changed my mind two seconds later when Edward accepted my call as a wanting plea. He'd gripped the backs of my knees, sliding me down the hood toward him… Grinding into me with only the thin fabric of his boxer shorts to conceal his throbbing erection.

From this angle I were certain that if there was penetration, he might be able to make an exit out of my belly button. Intimidated; yet entirely fascinated…

I wasn't pressing Edward's buttons, but he was all over mine. Grinding into me as he suckled along my neck - a little harder than usual. I was uncertain if it would leave a mark; but it felt so good, too good. Definitely not worth mentioning.

Encouraging him; I coiled my legs around his hips. The cool night air was filled with the sounds of chirping bugs, smacking-suckling kisses, and heavy breathing. Edward reached down, and the next thrust that came - was the soft skin of bare-pulsating-cock, gliding eagerly through the slick folds of my wet heat. It felt soooo good, still a part of me flinched and Edward hesitated.

"I'm not going to…" He promised, exhaling all fucking moaning and breathy - grinding into me with more purpose. I cried out, moaning in a high pitch - that was almost a squeal. I almost fucking squealed.

He kissed at my throat as he intensely humped me over the hood of his car. It was hard not to squirm each time the head of his straining shaft caught and tugged at my clit. So sensitive. So close; to falling over the edge, again…

My thoughts kept shifting to what if he slipped a little lower… What if I used the leverage I had at his hips to raise my ass just a few more inches, just waiting for him to pull back… Suddenly, I wanted more.

Edward came crashing back down onto me, making those thoughts a quick impossibility.

"I love you…" He confessed, moaning - breathy, brushing his lips clumsily along my cheek in search of my mouth.

"I want you to…" Came flooding from my lips; in the heat of the moment… When our lips met, he pulled back a little and I thought he might…

And he did…

But I didn't get exactly what I wanted…

"Fuck me…" Edward hissed in a long throaty exhale, taking that extra step back to ensure he didn't cum on his pretty car. Quaking on the side of the road as his orgasm washed over him…

"Fuck me…" I'd said it for an entirely different reason; headlights were coming in our direction. I rolled off the hood to hide behind the open passenger door as I searched for my pants. Finding them, I watched the lights approach as I tried to decipher what was what in the pile of fabric…. _Hurry, fuck_… The panic wasn't helping, only fueled it - worried that they'd be able to see me. I'd found the right side of my pants and was stepping into them as traffic passed.

I raised my pajama bottoms to cover my hips and ass; as tires screeched along the pavement. I couldn't tell what type of car it was, my first instinct was; _let's get the fuck out of here_. Edward was just about to come around to his door - when the car that had abruptly stopped, reversed.

"It's my mom…" Edward slipped into the drivers seat; defeated… His belt still hanging open, undone. I couldn't be so sure, unable to even tell what color the car was among the thick shadows of night.

"Bella…" Charlie sounded pissed, shouting as they began their exit from the vehicle. Okay, so now I was sure - but it didn't make a difference in my train of thought. Flee!

"Let's go…" I hummed… Antsy to get the fuck out of there.

"Bella…" Edward chided, reminding me we'd been caught - red handed, bare-assed… It was obvious they recognized at least one of us, or Edward's car… I hoped it was too dark, prayed that Edward's door concealed me enough when the headlights finally hit us… Hoped Edward didn't still have his junk all hanging out as they passed…

"Edward." I thought I was going to be sick, I wasn't ready to face the music - not now, not after that… _Fuck my life!_

Edward closed his door; and peeled out of the brush just as the shadows of our parents were about to cross the road to meet us…

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 14 - Tortured Move**

Thanks for dropping by!


	15. Chapter 15 Tortured View

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 15 - Tortured View**

.

.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow, from stealing all my time  
I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart, that's still beating  
In the pain, there is healing  
In your name, I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely, holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head  
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead  
And I still see your reflection, inside of my eyes  
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
with a broken heart, that's still beating  
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing  
In your name (in your name), I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),  
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')  
I'm barely, holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on, another day  
Just to see what, you throw my way  
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say  
You said that I will, be okay

The broken lights on the freeway, left me here alone  
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
with a broken heart, that's still beating  
In the pain (in the pain) there is healing  
In your name (in your name), I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),  
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),  
I'm barely, holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),  
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),  
I'm barely, holdin' on to you  
(Lifehouse - Broken)

.

.

The drive home was torture - complete silence.

Charlie was seeing red, not even Elizabeth could calm him. Edward and I went to our separate rooms. Elizabeth slept on the couch - and Charlie slept on the stairs. He was still camped out come morning.

The silence carried on through breakfast, I think we were all a little dumbfounded. First night; and we'd already proven this wasn't going to work. A few love bites from Edward lingered, evidence.

The memories were haunting. I couldn't look at Edward without picturing myself beneath him.

Before noon - we were in the waiting area of Joanne's office, early for our emergency appointment. By this hour I was ready for a round two on the hood of Edward's car. I'd been left with too much time to linger and daydream about the previous nights events.

Charlie unleashed the very moment Joanne's office door closed. The meeting wasn't very productive. Edward was quiet, I sort of followed his lead. Holding on; we just had to make it through the summer.

It all boiled down to a lack of respect and poor communication. Issues we'd all have to work on. Charlie wasn't satisfied. His resolve; was getting Edward out of the house.

I expected Edward to get angry, stand up for himself - but he didn't say one word. He wore this dazed smile, like he wasn't going to let anyone fuck up his day. Displaying the arrogance Charlie loathed.

It was times like this that I wished I could read Edward's mind. I couldn't regret last night.

And I could still feel Edward's arms wrapped around me as if they'd were permanently embedded in my skin. Still floating...

Edward had said a total of four words since breakfast -

_Morning Bella_…

_Hey, Joanne_.

While Charlie was raging and Elizabeth was trying to reel him back in; Joanne was trying to coach. Charlie had repeated himself so many times. Reminding us; it was a small town, in public, can't be trolloping around town… We were lucky to have been found by them - which was complete bullshit. But, in the midst of all the commotion around us, Edward said exactly what I needed to hear.

_I love you_…

Seven words.

.

.

I love myself and I am irresistible.

Seven words.

.

.

Charlie was still pushing for Edward to move out. He was sabotaging his relationships; with everyone in the house.

Edward and I spent most of the time pent-up in our rooms. To leave; would be to seek conflict. After a barrage of yelling and insults, we retreated. We expressed distaste over not being trusted; knowing we couldn't persuade them - Charlie especially.

We hid our ability to communicate well, and surprisingly they didn't seem to be catching on. Even though Edward and I generally left our rooms at the same time and tended to coincidentally bump into each other. It drove Charlie batty; more so when he was left to watch us alone.

There was no Tuesday bingo anymore. The only time I'd been able to spend with Edward had been meal-times, two-minutes in passing - they never gave us more than that. The only _real_ interaction I was getting; was at school. As a result I was falling behind in some of my classes.

Oh and once we watched a movie together; all of us - they sat exactly in the middle of the couch so we couldn't sit next to each other. Edward sat at my feet. Charlie glared at him on and off - waiting, wanting to catch him doing something inappropriate.

Edward kept going with the flow; it was so unlike him. No witty retorts, just elusive smiles. I wondered what was going on in his head - he was just, too cool. The days passed so slow, wasted.

Saturday detention had become a quiet retreat. I appreciated any excuse to get out of the house with Edward.

Charlie started picking me up from school. For two hours, every weekday, I had to drive around with Charlie in his patrol car. Edward had two hours of free-time; I envied him. I imagined he did his homework, because he always had his biology notes and work sheets ready for me to copy after dinner.

Charlie and I didn't talk, we couldn't. There was so much bitterness. It was mind-numbing, complete boredom… Spending time with him was like a prison sentence.

The only thing that kept me going; was that I always had something to look forward to. And one day, I'd have him - beyond the layers of glass. _Freedom_!

.

.

Remove the glass;

Once the layers are _assembled_.

.

.

I watched Edward from across the table. Elizabeth was putting the final touches on dinner - and Charlie left to see what was taking so long. I wanted to lean over the table, and forcibly plant my lips over his mouth; feed my addiction.

"…Go to prom with me. If not… I'll have to court Jasper. And well; you have nicer legs…" Edward rambled, leaning back in his chair with a self satisfied smirk.

"What!" I scowled. Prom? Was he serious?

"You heard me." The idea of going to prom; would be to intentionally throw myself into a sea of anxiety...with little hope of not drowning. It wasn't my thing; the crowd, competing for best dressed, dancing…eh.

His lips curved deliciously, the same expression he wore when he painted. Except his tongue wasn't dusting his lip in anticipation of where to place the next stroke of his brush…

"You don't want me to call your bluff…" I exhaled.

"You still haven't told me no." Touché, well played.

"You'll have to wear a tux and do you really want to be seen dancing with me…" I reminded him. Just thinking about Edward in a tux; was making my knees quiver under the table.

"So you'll go with me?" Edward smiled.

" I don't think the warden is giving early parole for good behavior anymore." I furrowed my brows, eyes lowered as I stared down at my plate… Dear God, Prom? Prom! Prom?

"Fine, I'll ask." Edward noted. Before I could protest, Charlie was already at the table. Elizabeth reached around him to rest serving bowls on the center of the table. I stared Edward down, mouthing the word NO!

_No way in hell!_

Edward bit down on his lower lip trying to conceal…that mischievous fucking smile and perhaps even a hint of laughter. He dismissed my plea as nothing short of a dare. He coughed, clearing his throat - before addressing Charlie…

"Uh… Charlie…" I'd sink in my chair if I didn't think I'd have to play referee in seven-point-four seconds.

"Would it be.. Uh…okay, if I took Bella to the prom?" Edward asked; truthfully, honest_. _His tone filled with the rejection he expected. But, he dared to ask…

I expected Charlie to get angry at Edward for even thinking of asking… He seemed perplexed, staring Edward down as if he were taking notes at a crime scene. Wearing that same squinty beady eye look he wore when we were investigating who was shitting in the Millers' lawn. If I had to guess; I'd say it were the yellow lab living two doors down - but I let Charlie play detective.

_Forks was dull, dreary, boring…_

Charlie passed me a serving bowl of salad. I tossed some leaves on my plate before passing it off to Edward.

I wasn't angry or bitter - I was hopeful. Months ago I was timid, content with living out the remainder of my life medicated and holed up in my room. Now; I was growing - too big for the bubble. I wanted more. Even if Edward didn't get the scholarship; we were going to leave Forks.

And prom; might be worth seeing Edward in a tux.

"You may." Charlie nodded, exhaling very slowly - calculated and thoughtful.

"Really?" I asked, genuinely surprised. Edward was stunned to silence. Perhaps as equally confused as I was. How had he earned Charlie's favor?

"It's not like there will be another, Bella. What kind of father would I be if I denied you opportunity…" He watched his plate, stabbing up a neat forkful. He then cast it across his plate and left the table.

"I should…" Elizabeth stalled, unsure of her decision. To be with Charlie - or fulfill Charlie's wishes in guarding the time Edward and I spent together.

"No, I should go." I insisted, rising from my chair to follow Charlie outside, onto the front porch. He was leaning over the railing - looking out at the vacant street.

"I'm sorry." We both spoke at exactly the same time. I realized by Charlie's tone, he'd probably been crying. He never did show the tears…

"In my mind you're still seven running through the grass…" Charlie laughed, but it was sorrowful; muddled with pain.

"I know, I'll always be your little girl." I repeated what he'd reminded me of, time and time again.

"I knew he'd be trouble the first time he came over. Your mother chided me. He's just a boy, she said…But the way she said it." Charlie grew quiet, I wondered if he was crying.

He was talking about Edward as if he'd been anticipating this scenario, from the very moment we met. Yet, still he spoke in a tone of shock and disbelief…

"Unworthy. Should have known I'd never get to keep her." Charlie cursed the cool night air. I wasn't quite understanding his comparisons.

"She lived and she loved, and so did we. It feels good to live again. No need to be shameful…" I noted, rationally. Trying to be supportive.

"You see everything so black and white..." He laughed a sincere laugh, laced with sobs. Revealing all of his cards at once.

"Things tend to get complicated in the blurs of the gray." I wistfully noted. "And we've already made it here." I moved to stand beside him on the porch.

"I went and saw Edward's painting earlier this afternoon." He quickly interjected. Ah-ha, that explains everything.

"He's very talented." I stated the obvious, quietly.

"I curse the night I let her go and he turns it into something…" Charlie exhaled, so full of emotion - he couldn't find the words. I could barely understand him. I'd never seen him so completely broken and undone; since the day of her funeral.

"Beautiful. She was so beautiful." I smiled half-heartedly, shifting my weight to lean into him and nudge him back to reality.

"Yes, she certainly was…" Charlie sucked in a deep breath; bottling everything back up.

"We're going to be okay. I mean, we're okay…" I stammered with a brief slow nod. Trying not to re-visit the same dark places that existed within myself.

"We should get back inside, finish dinner." He brushed his lips against my temple before turning to go inside. He waited, holding the door for me.

The rest of dinner was quiet, with Elizabeth and Edward giving us curious glances.

.

.

_There really is no okay, just good or bad. _

_Okay - is just being nice or too fucking confused to decide._

_We were okay._

.

.

A few days before Edward's birthday, he received his acceptance. He was going to Chicago.

We were disappointed that his painting was sold privately instead of being displayed at the college. Mostly; because we always thought we'd have a chance to recover it during an auction. Edward promised he could paint another - and the more I thought about it.

_It was silly… _

I wasn't going to lash out and do something stupid or act crazy… I didn't have the energy to be that crazy girl anymore. It was so much work, and depressing…and truly a miserable form of existence; ostracizing myself.

Someone owned a great piece of art, they loved it without the history. They loved Edward's work - it truly was a beautiful piece. I could share; small glimpses of the big picture. Edward deserved the recognition and so much more.

On the other hand; I was growing increasingly worried about Charlie's behavior. Where would he be if he lost Elizabeth? He was acting so foolishly. He had a good life in the palm of his hand, and he was closing it in anger.

It boiled down to; where would I be without Edward? And I didn't want to think about that either…

I tried to sympathize and not cause any shit; not give Charlie reason to argue. And show Elizabeth how ugly he could be. I was embarrassed by his behavior. Tired of being _ugly_ and _scarred _on the inside. I knew he had the ability to be _beautiful_. We both _were_ - _enough_, to hold my mothers _love_.

Edward's birthday; being grounded forever… I didn't have anything to give him because I wasn't going to ask Charlie's permission. It was a day full of triggers and anxiety. By the time Edward's birthday dinner rolled around, I wasn't quite myself. I felt light headed, a little shaky - as if I'd taken a double dose of Nyquil.

Elizabeth was teary-eyed, Edward was full of jokes. I treasured just hearing his voice, his laugh. To know that this was a good day for him, and that my freedom was right around the corner. I could have this too, one day, soon.

Charlie made jokes about Edward being legally able to move out or rather thrown out, when Elizabeth presented him with the account information for his inheritance. That was just the tip of the ice-burg. Edward's father had worked hard to provide - and that would be another future inheritance, Elizabeth promised.

"There's also something else; he wanted me to give you." Elizabeth nodded, ready to bawl… This was so hard on her, I could see it was softening Charlie around the edges. After dinner we took a tour out to the garage.

Edward wasn't really leaving. He wouldn't leave me; I was confident. Still I couldn't blame him if he did. I wanted to escape too…

"Another Volvo;…that bastard." With the keys gripped tightly in his hand. Edward laughed so hard, he cried. I didn't know what he meant, I thought maybe I'd missed some inside joke. It was a really nice car, a little sportier - but almost exactly like the other, this one was black.

It was such an extravagant gift...

"I still want a Mustang." Edward blurted, laughing through the tears.

Quickly; I'd managed to put two and two together. Obviously the silver Volvo had been a birthday gift, on the one birthday I missed. Back when all of my days ran together in a drug induced haze… And it wasn't Edward's first pick.

Immediately, I felt a tiny twinge of guilt for poking fun at Edward's car. He could have easily sold it and bought a Mustang, or two… But, he didn't. And I'd probably poke fun regardless. A Mustang, of all cars… _He chooses… a Mustang_?

"You know your father." And his father probably expected he would do just that... After a moment, she patted Edward gently on his shoulder blade before turning to head back inside. Charlie wasn't moving, we stood around the car in silence. Eventually Edward snuffed out his tears on his sleeve, a look of disbelief on his features. As if he were having a hard time admitting he were crying; or just came to realize he had been.

"Charlie, Uh…You mind if I.. um, take Bella for a ride?" Edward asked politely, nervous. Already expecting Charlie's answer.

"Let me think it over, cake. Your mother is waiting." Charlie nodded softly; he seemed a bit taken back. I still expected him to say no, he was just delaying the disappointment.

As it were - Charlie flip-flopped daily on whether or not we could still go to the prom. I hoped I could find a purple dress, because Edward had already made his arrangements. We were going… and I was still trying to work up a little enthusiasm. At least enough to confront Charlie about buying the damn dress…

Cake - Chocolate with an Italian butter-cream icing, Edward's favorite. I preferred the frosting. The sugar seemed to calm my nerves; eliminate the shaky antsy feeling I'd been experiencing.

"Can I go?" After cake, Edward didn't bother to ask again; so I did. I hadn't asked anything of him in weeks.

"Let her go…" Elizabeth pressed her hand a-top Charlie's with a smile.

"I don't know… They might break the rules if we leave them alone." Edward mocked in a cheerful mood, and I couldn't help but laugh. Revealing the witty side he hid for Charlie's benefit; to not come off as young, stupid, and arrogant. I knew a part of him yearned to earn Charlie's respect. He was playing by almost all of his rules.

"True, but we need a break - this gig; it's a full time job…" I exhaled, breathy - tired. Making fun and pressing the luck, I'd never really had anyway. But it was the truth, we needed a break to _just be_. The new house rules were sucking the life out of all of us.

"We've been planning on sneaking out anyway." Charlie retorted, mocking one defiant teen daughter. I couldn't help but shake my head and laugh. It was so surreal, joking; free and easy…

"Well, you two crazy kids have fun. Sneak out the backdoor, the front door creaks." Edward shared his tactics.

"Oh, and If the police call, I'll tell them I don't know who you are… and it will be the truth. You'd never defy me like that; if-it-weren't-for-him…" Edward leaned back in his chair with his hands folded behind his head as he recited Charlie's mantra from Joanne's office to his mother. He was still carrying along as if he were joking, but the words themselves were bitter combined. It seemed to stir something within Charlie, left him uneasy and making nervous gestures with his hands.

"Behave as you would in my presence." Charlie rose from his chair, I began to wonder if I'd fallen asleep and was dreaming again. Hell, Edward just got a new car; another Volvo. That frosting was so fucking good, I could still taste it.

"When my back's not turned." Charlie corrected himself and Edward's chest started rumbling, but no sound came out.

"I'm sorry, Charlie." Edward blurted, and the apology sounded sincere, yet so did the laughter that followed it.

.

.

_I wasted hundreds of hours…_

_Thinking of ways;_

_In which to lure Edward._

_Away from our parents…_

.

.

"Did they really just leave us alone?" I blurted. Two minutes after our parents left, when I was sure they were gone… Where? - I have no idea. It wasn't Tuesday.

"They did." Edward smiled from across the table. When he rose from his chair, I felt so small. Unsure; waiting for Charlie to come running back to slap my hand.

"Let's go for a ride?" Edward broke the ice and waited for my hand. Taking it, I snapped up. Leaping into his arms, and lacing my fingers at the back of his neck…

"I miss you…" And I did it, I fucking inhaled. Bathing myself in everything Edward. His chest rumbled under the press of mine as he laughed softly at my eagerness.

"I missed you too."

"I'm sorry I didn't have anything to give you..." I rambled…about my lack of gift giving.

"You give me everything." He was being sweet, and seemed to be in a really good mood. His embrace was melting away all of my tension, and my mood was shifting for the better too.

"Ask me…how much I love you?" Edward interjected, probably because I'd been quiet for too long. Without a witty retort or a means of argument.

"How much?" I went along with it; seeking his humor.

"Too much…" I smiled, that knowing smile as Edward pressed his lips atop my head. Appreciative for life, even with all of its flaws. As crazy, and fucked up as it could be sometimes… All it took was a smile, a kiss, a moment with Edward; to set me right-side up again.

"Thank you." He always knew just how to fix me. And it was his birthday; he shouldn't have to... Shouldn't be…

"For what, loving you? Trust me, it isn't as hard as it seems." Edward poked fun as if he sensed my struggles.

"You know what I mean, you make me a better - everything." I retorted with a smile.

"Yeah, I've made you a better juvenile delinquent too." Edward spoke in a light-hearted, teasing tone. I loved seeing this side of Edward.

We spent a few minutes just enjoying each others company. Safe in Edward's arms... Without waiting for the bell to ring or our parents to grief us. We could just be… Enjoying the moments we'd once taken for granted.

"Why is your father making sure you have a Volvo?" I asked, intrigued. I knew this gift weighed heavy on him; he reacted as I had when he'd gifted the recording of my mother. Except he was able to gain perspective, quicker than I could.

"He always argued that they were the most innovative and received so many car of the year awards… Your parents buy you a new car, you should be grateful. But, he gave me a Volvo!" He laughed softly, recounting the memory...

"And now I have two…" Edward smirked, appreciating his fathers strange sense of humor.

.

.

Being taken for granted can be a compliment.

It means that you've become a comfortable…

Trusted element; in another person's life.

.

.

We pulled up in Edward's new black Volvo, I had no idea where we were. I followed his lead up the dark sidewalk, the trees and bushes were overgrown. It was the creepiest looking house on the block. The house you'd avoid as a child while trick-or-treating, because here; it was obvious Halloween occurred three-hundred and sixty-five days a year. Totally creepy.

I envisioned a maniac would come bursting through the cheap rusted tin, dirty screen door with a chainsaw…

…Any second now.

"Edward." I paused before we had to duck under a low hanging evergreen branch.

"It's cool, Jasper lives here." Edward noted so casually, as if I were being a big baby. I felt bad for Jasper…

When we reached the door, I closed my eyes as Edward knocked. Praying that when the door opened; it would be reminiscent of my gram's house. _The outside was just a façade_…

"Hey man, happy birthday!" Jasper answered the door, seemingly excited to have a visitor. I was betting that didn't happen too often.

"Hey Bella…" Jasper smiled, holding the noisy spring door open. The welcoming expression on his face made me feel like a huge bitch.

I hadn't had Edward all to myself in weeks, and now; I wasn't up for sharing him.

Stepping inside - _Holy Fuck_! The bitchiness level dropped, replaced with complete awe and amazement. _People actually live like this_? I was judgmental - only because I'd never seen anything like it. I always assumed we used to live in the biggest shit hole in town. The view inside Jasper's home, made me feel normal…and a little sympathetic.

It looked like they hoarded everything. From people, to pets, to knick-knacks, beer steins, newspapers… When Edward said Jasper lived in three feet of garbage, he was being kind.

My first impression was that Jasper must live with his grandparents. There were several people of various ages sitting in the living room. With three obese dogs; a beagle, a collie, and an it's so ugly it's kind of cute - but I have no idea what the hell you are. The dogs stumbled through the piles on the floor trying to reach us. At first the home didn't seem really dirty, mostly cluttered. But then I noticed tin cans splayed around the home with eating utensils leaning out of the tops. _Gross_…

It was bad, I vaguely smiled and tried to blend in with the heaps of garbage. Avoid the staring eyes of the felines that mounted around and on the stairs. Already, I'd seen five cats.

We ended up in Jasper's room upstairs, he was doing something for Edward on his computer. I didn't understand the lingo, but it was obvious to me that Jasper knew his computer shit. He'd probably set Edward up with _our shared_ _window_. I couldn't help but notice that he'd practically built a fortress around the machine; consisting of coke cans and empty chip bag wrappers.

I wasn't concerned until they started talking in throaty garbled whispers.

"Just do it man…" Edward wheeled Jasper's chair closer to his computer.

"Why bring in a third party, you have the money." Jasper argued and I realized it was some type of business transaction.

"Jasper, we're talking about me here… Third party is the only way. I can pay it off after the deal goes through." Jasper shook his head, flexing his fingers to stretch over the keyboard.

"At least let me negotiate." Jasper groaned… Whatever Edward was doing, he didn't think it was a good idea.

"No time for that." Edward noted quickly, paying little regard to Jasper's offer.

"You're impatient." Jasper laughed, shaking his head. "But, it's your money…" He spoke as if whatever it was, wasn't something he would do. Yet, he hit the enter button on his keyboard - and ultimately they both looked pretty satisfied with what they'd done.

"What are you buying?" I asked, equal to accusing him of ordering drugs off the internet. It wasn't like Edward to be so impatient, lately I was the impatient one…

"When it goes through, you'll be the first to know." He rubbed his hands along my arms reassuringly, like he'd done in the past.

"Second, Jasper already knows." I quipped, correcting him, calling out his lie. Jasper sealed his lips in a tight line and turned to face his computer monitor. Avoiding my interests entirely; I wasn't surprised that he'd chosen to side with Edward.

"Trust me." His tone was soft, calculated - he wasn't asking, he was telling. Not wanting to spoil his birthday, I let it go.

.

.

_A person who trusts no one._

_Can't be trusted._

.

.

Forty minutes later and we were back home, sitting on the porch steps.

"We have school tomorrow. Two days left, three if you count prom, four if you count graduation." I exhaled, relieved to be closing out a chapter of my life I'd struggled with.

Trying not to allow - whatever Edward was hiding; to consume me.

_Trust me_.

We already received our grades, in trying to earn the much needed credits to graduate - I ended up lowering my GPA in the process. Sadly, even if I dropped a class; my GPA would have still been below a three-point-o.

By nothing short of a miracle, I managed to pass all of my classes; including art. I'd never been so proud of earning a D in my life. Charlie wasn't amused, he of course didn't like to see anything fall below a C. But, I passed art; without a pity grade.

"You sound anxious for it to be over." Edward chuckled, raising a hand to slide under my hair; to massage the back of my neck.

"Aren't you?" I asked, curious.

"I'm going to miss Saturdays." He whined, and I couldn't help but laugh. "But, this is nice… Maybe we can, get out more often." Edward spoke as if he were unsure, what he meant - was if Charlie was willing.

Edward was still playing by almost all of the house rules. He acted very much the same in his father's presence when he was alive. And despite his short comings, Edward really did _try _to behave…

I found it strange but cute, that on some level he was trying to earn Charlie's respect. But saddened it were held captive by my father's high standards.

"I'm looking forward to going to Chicago." I noted in a heavy breath. I didn't know what Chicago had in store for me, but I was certain; it had to be better than this.

"Have you decided what you're going to do?" Edward smiled. I knew he expected me to come up with a plan of my own - and I didn't want to disappoint him.

"I just know that I want to help people. We'll see where my low GPA gets me. Beggars can't be choosers, you know…" I shrugged, keeping a positive outlook. I'd be with Edward… That's all that mattered.

"You can always take some summer classes and raise your GPA, the possibilities are endless…" Edward noted, staring out across the lawn. Suddenly, he seemed tense - wearing his worry.

"Yeah… Sort of like deciding your own destiny or some shit." I poked fun, Edward nudged me to the point where I'd nearly fallen over to lay on the step.

"Hey, now!" I laughed, Edward was practically piled on top of me. He retreated, wrapping his arm at my shoulder... He'd pulled me up with him; into the crook of his arm. With that starry-eyed glint. I expected him to kiss me. Anticipated it even…

"Can I ask a…Birthday favor?" Edward's chest rumbled with soft laughter.

"Birthday is the word of the day." I shook my head, knowing I was about to be guilt-tripped into going along with whatever it were. His gift.

He rose to his feet, hopped down the last two steps of the porch. Dusted his hands off on his jeans and extended a hand for this favor. I took his hand, rising to meet him at the bottom of the steps.

"So?" He had this silly shit-eating grin. Already, he were enjoying this far too much.

"Just say it… I'm in." Eager to know Edward's intentions, yet I kept my cool.

"You're in?" Edward chortled.

"I'll try most things at least once." I corrected myself and he'd given me that starry-eyed look again. This time I was going in, to smother his lips with my own. Edward was unreliable.

Edward's fingers flexed adjusting his grip on my hand. The only warning I'd had before his other hand came crashing down at the back of my hip, two quick steps and he'd spun me around one-eighty with him. Drawing my body in a tight line against his.

The spark in his eyes told me he was intentionally distracting me, keeping me on my toes. Watching my every move, absorbing - every fine detail. Expressing a very similar passion he exuded in his art.

I was swaying under his embrace, waiting; to follow his lead.

"Patience." He commanded, his mouth tilted - mere centimeters from mine… The heat from his lips so intense, so close… I could feel him barely breathing. Anticipation was building. It was torture; he was mind fucking me.

"Kiss me." I pleaded, but it was a warning. I closed the gap, consuming Edward's lips just as he had overwhelmed mine in the cafeteria.

When I thought Edward was about to cave to the seduction of my lips, he spun me around again. This time throwing me back - dipping me a safe distance off and away from his mouth. He smiled coyly. I was left gasping to the sound of my heart thudding relentlessly in my chest. I wanted _more_…

"See, who says chivalry is dead." Charlie's voice echoed, over the sound of car doors closing. Edward used his leverage at my back to pull me up from his little dip, righting me back onto my feet.

Charlie came twirling Elizabeth once as they strolled up the walk, appearing in an overly zealous mood. Elizabeth was smiling and laughing, they looked like they'd had a good time - wherever they'd been for the past couple of hours.

It was hard to be grateful for those few hours, in the moment I knew it was ending.

Edward was slowly releasing me to retreat as Charlie rounded the walk…

"May I cut in?" I was about to protest, we weren't…dancing? But suppose that's what Charlie assumed. I tried to hide my distaste, keep the grimace from rising; from consuming my features.

"Of course." Edward released me briskly. I turned to face Charlie completely - but he'd already swept off with Edward.

Surprised. Elizabeth and I laughed and laughed, while Charlie twirled Edward around the front lawn.

He said something to Edward, at the far edge of the lawn - I couldn't make out what was said. Edward's eyes were still gleaming with amused bewilderment. What had come over Charlie?

Charlie approached the porch huffing and out of breath moments later.

"I'll twirl you around tomorrow baby-girl." He promised, laughing heartily - entirely amused with himself.

"You're a nut, the neighbors were probably watching." I taunted, since Charlie was always so concerned about reputations. Edward lagged behind, shaking his head the entire walk back to the porch.

"Goodnight." Charlie pulled back, afraid he'd embarrassed me by my own remark.

"Hm…Right here." I pointed to my cheek and Charlie quickly obliged, kissing me goodnight.

"Night dad." Charlie and Elizabeth entered the house like a couple of love-sick teenagers.

"I want what he was having." I whimpered into the folds of Edward's sweater.

"A white Russian?" Edward laughed.

"Are you Russian?" I poked fun, knowing good and well Charlie probably had a few drinks. Rarely was he this relaxed or kind. Certainly, he'd never twirl Edward around sober?

"No." Edward laughed, shaking his head.

"We could pretend…" I leaned in to kiss him.

"You'll be the death of me, I swear..." Edward searched the windows behind me. His remark had me troubled over what Charlie may have said, but Edward made no mention of it.

.

.

_Yeah, well…_

_Death ends a life._

_Not a relationship._

.

.

We went behind Edward's garage where I could resume giving him the birthday kiss he deserved; owed. He was very aware and paranoid about Charlie catching us.

So while it was quite exciting, it didn't break the bar as far as our kisses went. But it was amazing to feel his lips on mine; as always. We kept it brief, not to raise suspicions. I trusted Edward's lead.

"My favor…" Edward reminded me as we headed toward the back door.

"Mhm…" I mumbled, he never really did say.

"Pose for me." His words brushed against my cheek as I stepped up to open the back door. Before his lips, still warm and flushed from our kiss; came crashing down to press firmly but briefly against my jaw - just before my ear...

It wasn't the first time he'd asked. Nor would it be the first I obliged. But the feral, raspy tone of his voice; nearly breaking as he made his request. Edward was asking for more, in reality; less. _Less is more_…

Daring me with his eyes as we rounded the kitchen counter… Filled with promises of having undressed me more than a thousand times before. Begging for comparison - proof, that I was just as lovely as he imagined.

Except; I didn't see myself the same way I reflected in his eyes.

"Join us, we were just about to start a new game." Charlie insisted, they were playing Yahtzee at the dining room table.

"School tomorrow." Edward smiled, beaming his regrets before he took off around the corner.

"Yeah, I should call it a night too." I nodded, shoving my hands in my pockets. "Night dad, Elizabeth." I blurted, making a quick exit after the brief realization of feeling out-numbered while alone in their presence…

Realized I should have taken more consideration with Elizabeth. Just as Edward was trying to do for Charlie's sake.

Edward was already waiting at the monitor when I turned it on. Kicked back in his chair exuding a confidence I didn't have. Waiting - patient.

A dozen thoughts ran through my head. But in my heart, I knew there wasn't anything I couldn't show Edward. I'd considered dressing up, offering up a strip tease… and went with what was realistically possible.

I entered the bathroom, removed my clothes - save for the pale periwinkle blue bra and panties I'd chosen that morning. Both had similar lace details at the top, matching. Against the paleness of my skin, the color almost enhanced ideals of complete nudity. It was perfect for so many reasons, mostly Edward's purpose.

I opened the bathroom door to see Edward had set up his easel. The plastic draping the floor and bed, told me he intended on painting.

To wait or not wait in the doorway until I had his attention; crossed my mind. The thought was fleeting as I positioned myself across the end of the bed. Laying on my back, with my hands tucked under my head. I pulled my right leg in slightly, bending at the knee. Giving Edward clean clear lines of femininity, a perfect side view. My cleavage looked good, even to me - from this angle.

I never knew how long I'd be posing, sometimes it was as little as twenty minutes, others two hours. It was never boring, and I'd always done fairly well with selecting comfortable and easily held poses. Edward loved it, _natural_ - he called it.

Edward finished laying out paints over the plastic on the bed and when he returned, he fell heavy in his chair. It took him but a moment to notice me. Immediately I found myself searching his gaze for any signs of rejection, when abruptly he'd raised a hand, using a finger to motion that I come closer to the monitor.

Which wasn't unusual, when we wanted to pass notes. Reluctantly, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and went to sit at the desk.

I felt incredibly bare, as if Edward could see right through me. And he probably could… I'd spent more than half my life with Edward. I'd be lying if I said he didn't own parts of me; he forever would. But offering it up to him on a silver platter; was something my anxiety and insecurity wouldn't allow without a fight.

I sat, impatiently waiting for his reason.

_Forgive me, for wanting a closer look. _Edward held up his note, dismissing me. But his eyes held the truth. Weakness, I was his undoing. His compliment was one hell of a confidence boost. If that's what Edward sought to gift me; he succeeded.

He had a hard time pulling himself away; truthfully - so was I.

Edward left his note splayed across his desk, moving over to the easel he waited. Instead of moving to the bed, I scooted the wooden desk chair I had been sitting on back away from the monitor and posed. Placing a hand between my open legs for leverage as I leaned forward toward the monitor. It was utterly crass of me, but I felt some semblance of control in this position. Even while opening myself up wide to Edward.

Edward waited, and when I didn't move - he came back to his chair.

_What are you doing? _His eyes asked the same question, marveling in everything I was offering.

_Watching you_. I slowly mouthed the words. Edwards lips were moving but I couldn't read them, nor hear him.

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 15 - Tortured View**

Thanks for dropping by!


	16. Chapter 16 Tortured Tide

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 16 - Tortured Tide**

.

.

I gave you all the love I got  
I gave you more than I could give  
I gave you love  
I gave you all that I have inside  
And you took my love  
You took my love

Didn't I tell you  
What I believe  
Did somebody say that  
A love like that won't last  
Didn't I give you  
All that I've got to, give baby

I gave you all the love I got  
I gave you more than I could give  
I gave you love  
I gave you all that I have inside  
And you took my love  
You took my love

I keep crying  
I keep trying, for you  
There's nothing like; you and I, baby

This is no ordinary love  
No ordinary love  
This is no ordinary love  
No ordinary love

When you came my way  
You brightened every day  
With your sweet smile

Didn't I tell you  
What I believe  
Did somebody say that  
A love like that won't last  
Didn't I give you  
All that I've got to, give baby

This is no ordinary love  
No ordinary love  
This is no ordinary love  
No ordinary love

I keep crying  
I keep trying for you  
There's nothing like; you and I, baby

This is no ordinary love  
No ordinary love  
This is no ordinary love  
No ordinary love

Keep trying for you  
Keep crying for you  
Keep flying for you  
Keep flying, I'm falling  
And I'm falling

Keep trying for you  
Keep crying for you  
Keep flying for you  
Keep flying, I'm falling  
And I'm falling  
(Sade - No Ordinary Love

.

.

He picked up his notepad, I thought he was going to form a reply. But then he tossed the notebook aside and I couldn't help but wonder if I'd angered him in some way. He was scrawling his hands through his hair wildly - avoided meeting my gaze.

I watched as he rummaged through a box, coming away with a tin case… He rest it neatly on the bed before clearing away the paints he'd previously set out.

I met the tortured look in his gaze; so raw… And then he did it; he removed his shirt, discarding it at the foot of the bed. Usually he kept his shirt on; I'd catch glimpses of his happy trail and sometimes his abs if he over-extended himself to reach the peak of his canvas… Memory alone, was enough to make me wet.

I never had the nerve to ask him to remove his shirt. Fantasy meeting reality was more torture than I'd anticipated. Tit - for - tat, Edward was playing my game.

The lopsided grin he cast in my direction before arranging the sticks of graphite on his easel made me recognize my jaw was drooping. Agape even; he was so fucking gorgeous I could eat him. I chomped at the air for effect, letting Edward know he was deliciously evil and twisted. Touché!

Blush rose in his cheeks as his lips puckered at my display. Muscles flexing in his chest with each new rumble of his laughter… I wondered if his laughter mimicked mine, in that holy fuck nervous laughter sense. _We're really doing this_.

Still; I had enough courage to want to keep pressing his buttons - any and all of them, just to see what would happen. Give me _more_… So much more.

I raised my free hand to unclasp the latch at my back to remove my bra. I tossed it forward to land on the desk. I then posed that hand on my right shoulder. Splaying my arm across my body to conceal perky hardened nipples. I leaned forward, perched on the palm resting between my legs.

Edward had started a basic sketch, rough draft of where everything would be. Faint scribbles over his canvas… He glanced back now and then, at the monitor - me, it took him longer than I'd anticipated to notice I'd given up the bra. It didn't go without recognition. Edward spent the next ten minutes darkening his outline. All the while biting at the tender flesh between thumb and index finger on his free hand. A gesture, I'd never seen from him before.

I marveled at the perfection of his flawless pale skin. Watched the muscles in his back ripple with every movement of his arms; as his hands worked before him.

Edward was off in his own sub-space; doing what he did best. Creating a masterpiece. Hiding the image he were sketching from my view with his physique. I couldn't be certain how far along he'd come with it. When he dropped his left hand at his side, it was glistening silvery-black. The hand he'd used to smooth and blend all the rough strokes of his pencils.

Never in my life had I ever thought I'd be riddled with the overwhelming sensation to want to lick Edward's back. A slow wet heated line up his spine…

I squirmed in my chair for some reprieve. Edward was obviously sexy but if I stared too long, the innocence became predominant.

Deep down I knew someone like Tanya wouldn't ever be woman enough to take him from me. Still; he may not be man enough to keep me. I wanted-needed him; to ravage me. Mark me as his always… Instead he was becoming the cowardly lion, if only to impress Charlie.

I wanted the Edward that would throw me over the hood of his car with little abandon. Not the boy who felt the need to hide me; for something as small and simple as a kiss…

And this - what we were doing; was so fucking perverted and personal. At the end of each session, Edward held onto the beautiful evidence. That didn't ever quite reflect the magnitude of anguish I was holding inside.

Edward _made me _beautiful…

I wanted to be that girl on the canvas… Be the voice that haunted Edward's ear, whilst he penned her in strokes varying in depth and pace. Receive the attention to detail; that she did.

Touch me; until he got my shading - just right…

I could be _that girl_…

.

.

Remember?

The way you used to touch me?

_Touch me._

.

.

I didn't have any second thoughts; Edward tore open his bedroom door before I could think to knock or burst in. I didn't really have a plan, not that I thought I'd need one; showing up at his door in nothing but a pair of scandalous panties.

The expression on his face was… If I hadn't known any better; I might have accused him of being tied up with a lover. His upper torso glistened with tiny beads of sweat that weighed heavier at his brow. Edward was getting quite the work-out in there…

Wow! I stood outside his door in awe; trying to find the words…

Plan my next move.

Edward was equally speechless. He held out his dirty silvery black hands.

_An excuse for why he wouldn't touch me?_

_A signal that I should cover up and obtain a little more modesty?_

I stared into his flushed face, trying to read his eyes… His lips twitched as if they might part to speak. He was stalling, unsure of what to make of me.

And little by little, I was losing the nerve…

To pounce.

I should probably do something. _Something, anything_… I scolded myself, trying to build the nerve. _Fucking do it_!

Slowly, I stepped forward, closing the gap between Edward's extended hands and the bareness of my breasts. My entire body shuddered as his hands made contact. My first instinct, to protect myself… this pleasure… I held Edward's hands flush against my breasts; concealing their bareness entirely.

I couldn't speak, even if I could find the words… My breath hitched in my throat, and what ensued was a ragged little moan. Against my will, another throaty gasp escaped upon Edward's interest in kneading my flesh within his hands. My hands rocking graciously over his own…We should have done this a lot sooner.

His mouth crashed down on mine; hard open-mouthed kisses. I put my hands in his hair to guide his mouth, just as my back collided with coolness of the wall behind me. Edward was leading.

"We shouldn't…" Edward murmured into my mouth. _Pretend I'm her, mold me with your hands_. His palms were still at my chest, doing a find job of keeping me right where he wanted me.

"You want me…" I hummed along; as he captured the tender area behind my ear with his mouth…

"Rhetorical." His word collided, ragged along my neck…

His hands moved so fucking-torturously; slowly - admiring every curve… It didn't match the frenzy of his mouth. Over-whelmed by the passionate ways in which he enthralled my body. My hands had nearly fallen limp at the back of his neck.

There was no guiding, Edward was a man on a mission. I raked my hands down over his strong back… He retaliated by gripping the back of my thigh and grinding into my center.

"Take me…" I pleaded. Over and over and over and over again… Edward picked me up, spinning me to face his open door…

Mere minutes from victory; splayed over his bed… Edward pulled back, I assumed to close and lock his door. I was satisfied with my actions up until this point.

We'd gone too far; to just turn back now with no reward in sight.

"Edward." Elizabeth's voice echoed raspy from down the hall. Edward immediately shifted the door so it was merely cracked.

"Is everything alright, I heard banging?" I could hear her getting closer. Obviously Edward closing his door was a complete give away, he was hiding something…

Panic mode went off, every alarm in my head was sounding. I leapt off the bed and searched Edward's monitor… Finding the power button, I turned it off.

"Yes, everything's fine." Edward spoke hurriedly, equally panicked. Come to think of it; Edward was a horrible liar… I didn't know what to do with the monstrosity on the easel.

"Are you sure?" Elizabeth was just as persistent as Charlie. From the volume level of her tone, I knew I had two seconds to hide and tried to get under the bed, but it was piled with sheets of canvas… The door opened, I lie still on the floor, barely covered with the fabric from the dust ruffle on the bed.

I knew clear as day, if she came around the bed…

I wasn't really hiding.

It was too late to find another spot. At least I could hide my face…

.

.

_Sometimes I think I'm the only one;_

_whose day turned out unlike it had begun._

.

.

"Edward…" Elizabeth exuded his name in a long breath. I knew from the mix of intense emotions in her tone, she had spotted the fucking elephant in the room…

"Please." Edward begged. I prayed he was keeping her from crossing the room for a closer look. As if she would really need one; it was fucking huge.

"Bella wouldn't mind?" She asked him… Sounding too curious, vulnerable to our deception.

"No. It's tasteful…" Edward was still speaking quickly, nervous give-away in his voice. _Hold it together Edward_, I hummed in my thoughts.

"I didn't say it wasn't. Its just; this is how you see her…" I wasn't insulted. She were being a bit kind for seeing a near life size image of me seducing Edward over a chair…

"It's just so different from the other." Elizabeth corrected herself, back-tracking. I was all grown up in this one; perhaps too much for her liking.

I wasn't seductive anymore, flattened against the frame of the bed as I held onto the tiniest shreds of my dignity. My neck was still damp with Edward's heated kisses; yet my arousal had diminished with the hard slap of reality.

"I know. What can I say?" Edward's tone lowered, his words laced with…shame? I couldn't have come up with a better reply myself.

Your mother now knows you're a pervert.

_A tasteful pervert_…

Yet-still, she doesn't even know the half of it.

"Three months and Bella will be an adult." Elizabeth's tone hardened. She didn't sound like she was floating through the night half-awake anymore.

"And?" Edward roused.

"Lord help me, you hide this from Charlie." The hurried tone of her voice told me she was expressing her distaste. The woman didn't have an angry bone in her body.

"And what if I don't?" Edward's tone shifted. She'd ignited a spark and he challenged.

"Edward." She scolded; whined.

"Tell me, it isn't beautiful?" Edward challenged again.

"That's his daughter." Elizabeth protested. "Why would he want to see her naked!" She squawked. I imagined this was her version of yelling.

"And what do you think of her?" Edward asked. I stopped breathing.

"I like her because you like her." Her tone sounded smug. I took a few shallow breaths, still frozen on the floor.

"What kind of answer is that; you're saying she's okay?" And we all knew how Edward felt and expressed the word; okay.

"Edward… Someday; I want grandchildren, but not too soon… And as long as you're happy, I've succeeded."

"Now clean up and get to bed, you've got school in the morning." I listened to her go, still I couldn't convince myself it was safe to come out. I didn't feel sexy anymore. Completely bare and vulnerable, under the bed linen…

.

.

Character is determined more -

by the lack of certain experiences;

than by those one has had.

.

.

Edward raised the dust ruffle, grabbed my arm and pulled me up onto my feet in a motion so quick and fluid - when everything stopped spinning in slow motion behind my eyes; my gaze finally recognized his chest. Smeared with the very same silvery blackness that adorned my own.

"I shouldn't have." I apologized quickly, avoiding his gaze. I tore my arm free from his grasp. Grabbing his worn shirt he'd left at the foot of his bed, I threw it on; covering myself.

"Happy Birthday…" My tone was soft and apologetic.

"Bella…" Stubborn, I wouldn't let Edward make me feel better about what I'd just done. We almost got caught… And while I couldn't imagine life could really get much worse; we'd just been granted a little bit of freedom.

_BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! THANK YOU! - _Edward already had a message waiting at the screen, by the time I crept back up to my room.

He were being too kind. I offered a small wave before I closed myself up in the bathroom.

Carbon and graphite coated my breasts and trailed down my sides, racing stripes. And nobody finished.

A knot remained in the pit of my stomach as I showered. Scouring away Edward's finger-prints. His mother had seen me near naked, thankfully she didn't know I'd actually posed for it. It made me feel better about the ordeal.

I didn't know much about Elizabeth or Edward's father really. For the longest time our relationship had been one-sided with my selfishness.

_I am still selfish_…

I knew she didn't bake, was quiet, kept to herself a lot. Yet her face was seen at most charities and benefits. Her dirty blonde hair was always pulled back in a bun, braid, or pinned at least half-way up. She dressed like a woman in her Sunday best, straight off the dairy-farm. Ordinarily boring; she could blend and disappear in a crowd.

She never complained or said much at any of my visits. We usually hung around my house, playing in the yard… And after my mother was gone, it was hard to look at her.

I could remember a few times she offered me support, maybe. I don't know - things were so fucked up then. And now, every time I met her gaze I felt she knew too much. Nobody could truly be that naïve. She was a quiet - people watcher type, similar to Edward and he was far too intellectual for her to be that coy. At least that's what I'd finally decided on.

I dried, draping the towel around my torso before exiting the bathroom. I breathed a small sigh of relief that Edward wasn't in his room.

I imagined he were cleaning up and the thought had my body yearning to be touched again. It was sick how fast that arousal switch could flick and throw me off center. Distract me from everything I was trying to accomplish…

It took me a moment to recognize I'd come out of the bathroom; to get dressed.

Clean panties, t-shirt, and shorts. I turned the monitor off, hung my wet towel over the back of the desk chair, and climbed into bed burying myself beneath the comforter.

.

.

_If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?_

.

.

Morning had come… I left my room earlier than usual, with an agenda. Reaching the kitchen, I found Elizabeth leaning over the stove.

"Morning." I let my presence be known, tossing my books on the island as I pulled up on a stool.

"Good morning Bella.." Elizabeth turned to meet my gaze, offering up a smile to recover from her surprised tone. Rarely, did I ever come down for breakfast ever. I wasn't really a morning person and tended to sleep in until the last possible minute.

"Is Charlie up yet?" I asked, making conversation. Edward intentionally brushed against my back as he passed on his way in. Moving over to the fridge; he pulled out the carton of orange juice.

"Edward, get a glass.." Elizabeth scolded as soon as he grabbed the carton. I tried not to smile, forming my lips in a tight line. He was notorious for drinking out of the carton. So often, I wondered why she hadn't given up on correcting him.

"He should be down any minute Bella…" Elizabeth poked at her pancakes with a spatula, while Edward begrudgingly got a glass for his juice.

I'd be lying if I said there was no awkward, morning after tension. At least it wasn't as harsh as the night we actually did get caught. Driven by raging lust filled hormonal teenage bodies; love. In the aftermath we'd both shared in the embarrassment; as if we couldn't remember who those people were. Look, look-away…

Edward finished his juice and left the kitchen just as Elizabeth was flipping the last of her pancakes onto a serving platter.

"Edward…" She mumbled, annoyed he'd run out as she was serving. "Would you like some pancakes Bella?" I fought to keep my upper lip from curling in distaste.

"Sure…" I don't even like pancakes… "Thanks, they smell great." I nodded in approval; before dissecting the small stack with my fork. Charlie floated into the kitchen, smooching Elizabeth's cheek as he bid her good-morning.

"Dad." I blurted, pausing in the onslaught of my pancakes and still trying not to focus on them being all kissy-face. Reminding him I was in the room. If Edward were here, this shit wouldn't fly.

"Bella, nice to see you up early…" His face contorted in a mix of shock and confusion. He brushed my hair away from the corner of my brow, kissing the side of my head before he pulled up on a stool next to me.

Quickly, he reached for the paper and a slightly warm fuzzy feeling came over me. Charlie read the paper every morning with his coffee. Except it had been awhile since the smells of breakfast filled our morning…And there was noise beyond the sounds of the coffee filter being clogged. There was more joy in our days; most of them anyway. We were almost, sort-of, kind-of, like a family…

"Can I have some money?" I asked quickly. Charlie laughed softly; that knowing laugh… Of course I wouldn't come to breakfast; unless I wanted something.

"For?" He glanced over at me; before shifting his gaze to stare me down.

"Prom. I still need to find a dress." I spoke warily… Unsure if prom was on or off in Charlie's thoughts.

"Um…How much do you need?" He slowly reached back for his wallet. I hated negotiating with Charlie and realistically I had no idea how much a prom dress would cost.

"I don't know. I'll bring back change." I reassured him, but rarely did I ever bring back change.

.

.

_Fifty dollars._

And there's no use asking why it makes me cry;

But there's fifty dollars.

.

.

I left early to avoid eating my pancakes, and to escape Charlie. I didn't know how much prom dresses cost, but I knew it was probably more than fifty dollars.

I shared my dilemma with Alice. We made plans to drop my truck off after school and she'd take me shopping.

The final days of school were a free for all. We played games in the classrooms to win prizes; see - teacher is giving away that hideous poster you've already wasted hundreds of hours of your life studying. Autographed by a random student. Insert teachers name; sucks dick, is an ass, blows donkey balls. Add some phallic art and there you go!

My personal favorite was my history teacher. He used white out to cover the marks - so it was a surprise; like an instant scratch-off lottery ticket. With instructions to wait until after class to scratch it away to reveal the hidden message. It was amusing, considering most of the messages had hung on the wall prior to the semester starting.

Edward was concerned because I drove in alone, not that riding with him would be an option. _Was it_? Stupidly; I admitted my plans to buy the dress. He seemed baffled that I didn't already have it, since I'd given him a color.

Hell, put me on the spot for a color and I'll throw one at you. I figured purple would really set off his amaze-balls, green eyes. Not really thinking if it would be flattering on me. I didn't have to look at myself and wasn't really enthusiastic about the whole prom ordeal anyway.

At least not until this morning, when Charlie pissed me off. Fifty dollars! He was the one who called prom an opportunity. Yet, he wasn't willing to splurge or aid much for my benefit. Now I was hell-bent on going and having fun... Making this work, somehow. Edward reminding me it should be purple; made the challenge harder.

I parked my truck in front of the house and hopped in Alice's car. We went around to a few bridal stores. Realizing the price tags were way out of my range; we hit up the department stores. Sadly, those too were out of my price range and the dresses had been picked over and stepped on.

Alice offered me a loan and I politely declined. Even if I had money, the dresses were awful. I couldn't see spending so much for so little and there was nothing left in purple.

I dragged Alice into the Salvation Army; she'd never been. Her family wasn't new to money, so I wasn't surprised that she would be out of her element in a thrift store.

The prom theme was; _a night in the stars, make it last forever_. Not that it mattered to me, I needed a fucking purple dress.

"Bella… None of these are great, that's how they ended their lives here…" Alice grumbled as she helped me sift through a giant rack of formal dresses. Most had to be twenty to fifty years old; some were so delicate they were dry-rotting off the hangers.

"I'm sure there's someone who has memories..." I started.

"Trust me, they can't be fond memories." Alice interjected.

Just as I found the one… It wasn't purple, as there was more yellow and metallic pink in the rack. And this dress was yellowed too; but I imagined once it were white. Maybe?

"That's a wedding gown.. You are not wearing a discolored-dated wedding dress!" Alice grabbed the hanger in my hand, upon seeing my eyes light up.

"Twelve dollars, Alice. I'll fix it…" I snatched the hanger from her hands and headed toward the register. I was sold and had some ideas. But; knew very little about fashion, art, and jack-shit about sewing. Alice wasn't sold, but the dress was; at least to me.

.

.

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.

.

.

Two dollars later and I was fighting with the washing machine. The dye worked, sort of… The bust of the dress appeared to have absorbed the color evenly, it was a dark royal purple. However the taffeta and tulle that made up the skirt didn't color evenly. Some areas matched the bust, others were lighter, and some areas were so dark they looked more midnight blue-black… I hadn't accounted for the varying degrees of yellowing or the different fabrics; nor the fact that shoving a huge dress into the washer could pose a problem. If the care instructions on the tag existed, it probably said some shit about dry clean only.

I clutched the wet fabric in my hands as I stared down into the washer… Trying to figure out where to go from here. What did I expect for twelve dollars and two dollars of dye? Something magical and truly beyond my ability. I was weighing on the side of luck, but apparently I had little to none.

The fourteen dollar prom dress, looked every bit the fourteen dollars… Hell, the value might have decreased since I put my hands on it.

"Laundry accident?" Elizabeth questioned from the door, basket of dirty laundry in her arms. I'm sure I looked as if I'd just shrunk or bleached my favorite sweater-hoodie…

"Something like that…" I mused, pulling the dress from the washer so she could get started on her laundry.

"Bella…" She sounded horrified; _what have I done_?

"I'll figure something out." I nodded, rolling the dress up to toss it in the dryer.

"What have you done to the dress Charlie bought…" Her tone was a mix of confusion and annoyance. It made it hard for me to believe the things she said to Edward the night before… or rather made me read further into it. She was tolerating me, very much the same as I tolerated her.

"Charlie gave me the money, but I bought it. It was only twelve dollars…" I shook my head, leaning over the dryer to start it. Elizabeth dropped her laundry basket and changed the heat setting on the dryer.

"You have to be careful not to scorch delicate fabrics." She noted… "Thanks." I spoke quietly. She'd probably saved me from starting the damn thing on fire… Still; I was undecided if that were such a bad thing. I still had thirty six dollars to start over.

As I moved to the door, her concern caught me off guard. "You couldn't find a better dress?" She asked, cautiously.

"Charlie only gave me fifty dollars and most of the dresses were picked over anyway." I excused Charlie's lack of funding for my so called opportunity, prom.

"What! Fifty-dollars? My dress cost more than that over twenty years ago." She spoke in a tone that regarded Charlie as being clueless as she finished loading the washer.

"Let me buy you a dress." Her tone was chipper, insisting - as she measured out the soap for her load of laundry.

"Thank you, really. But, the dresses that are left cost too much, I couldn't. And now it's sort of a pride thing to make this dress work." I nodded, offering the best smile I could muster.

"Pride thing…It's no wonder where you get that from." She shook her head, laughing softly - and I quickly darted out to disappear into my bedroom; Edward's room…

Edward wasn't home for dinner, I didn't have the balls to ask Elizabeth… I envied his freedom. I started picking up the room, but soon opted to listen to my I-pod instead.

.

.

I don't mind trying to find a way,to keep my head above the mess I make.

_Some-days; I suck at life more than others._

.

.

Several minutes later…

I pulled the ear-bud from my ear, at Elizabeth's intrusion.

"I'm sorry, I should have knocked…" She stammered, sounding out of place.

"It's okay." I lied. "I was just listening to some music…" The room fell eerily silent.

"I mean, it's your house." I reassured her. She seemed to be making some sort of assessment, with a mixture of objects in her hands.

"… I was just thinking, maybe I could help fix your dress." She set the materials she brought at the foot of the bed. "If you want; if you'd let me…" She re-affirmed her position.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked, grateful.

"Hm?" She questioned my remark.

"…I could use all the help I can get at this point." I wrapped the cord of my ear-buds around my I-pod and tossed it up on the dresser. "So…What did you have in mind?" At this point, I was open to anything…

We turned the bathroom into our little art project room. Starching fabric scraps in the sink; until they were almost the consistency of cardboard. We shared a few laughs and surprisingly worked well together. In a moment like this; she reminded me too much of my own mother.

"Bella, are you crying?" Elizabeth questioned in a sympathetic, confused, curious tone. "We can try something else…" She insisted; almost reaching out to touch me, but quickly pulled back.

"No, it's fine… Thank you, it's really sweet of you to help me like this." I reassured her, wiping the stray tears before they could roll down my cheeks. "Its been awhile since things have had a mother's touch…" I blurted, with a nod. Things were going fairly good and I was crying like a helpless idiot. I wished there was a switch to turn off the water works; I sucked in a deep breath hoping that would help.

"Aww, Bella." She held out her arms, throwing the ball in my court. I sincerely hoped I wouldn't regret this moment, but I caved. Submitting to the hold of her arms.

Charlie had left to consult with the realtor, Edward had his freedom; I had a crap-tastic prom dress… Everything seemed to be falling into place for everyone else, while my world was slowly crumbling apart.

"You know when Edward was born, I made the nurse check twice. I wanted a little girl so bad." She laughed softly in memory, but the melancholy laced her tone. "Thank you, for letting me help." We were just a couple of teary-eyed girls in the bathroom.

"When I need help the most; I'm afraid to ask for it. I'd say it were a pride thing, but that's bullshit." I admitted, honestly. I should have asked for help sooner, but I never knew quite what that was at the time. I truly believed I were helpless and that made me unworthy. Crazy fucking logic…

"And I always thought my little girl would never curse, but I also thought Edward would never smoke." We shared a little laugh…

"Edward smokes?" I feigned shock.

"Edward does a lot of things I don't agree with; he thinks he hides it to protect me. Lord knows he doesn't do it to protect himself." And that was her truth… She wasn't my mother, but she was a good mother.

"You're a pretty cool mom." I admitted. She took a step back to look at me, with her hands still extended to rest on my shoulders.

"If I were the cool mom, you would have hung around here more." She noted with a twinge of regret.

"Well my mother did make the best cookies in town." I forced a smile. I never did know Elizabeth well enough to make too many assessments beyond her appearance and what little interaction I had with her, heard, or seen. She was simply labeled Edward's mother.

"I spent hours trying to learn how to bake; and I still can't bake worth a damn." We both laughed, more so on my end because she used profanity. Well, profanity for her anyway.

"How come you and my mother weren't good friends?" I asked, curious. She looked at me thoughtfully, racking her brain for a legitimate excuse.

"Your mother was a homebody and I suppose I was just too uptight to go over and knock on the door without good reason." She admitted, before sealing her lips in a tight line.

.

.

_Good friends are like stars._

_You don't always see them;_

_But you know they are always there._

.

.

"Where is everyone?" Charlie's voice echoed from the first floor.

"We're upstairs…" Elizabeth called down.

Elizabeth insisted she would finish our little project later and save me the frustration, since she had all of the ideals. We'd take a break to watch a movie… We quickly cleaned up the mess and met Charlie downstairs.

"Good news!" Charlie proclaimed, excited. I smiled, thrilled with the idea of good news.

"I sold the house!" My breath hitched in my throat at his admittance. The house sold? They never even got around to putting the sign out front. Who the hell in their right mind would pay that much for our house?

"Who?" I blurted. "Who bought the house?" My thoughts were still racing and I felt a little light headed. I knew we'd be letting the house go; just not this soon. It was too soon. I needed to see the damn sign out front. There was supposed to be a fucking for sale sign. That part comes first…

"Some young lawyer from California." Which translated to; someone with more money than they knew what to do with. It was probably going to be their vacation house - where they could get lost in the woods or some stupid shit.

"Don't be alarmed if you see people coming and going, they'll be fixing it up." Charlie's tone grew quiet, embarrassed. At least they're going to _fix it _up…

"Bella and I were just going to watch a movie." Her words brought me focus. Still in the back of my mind… I was screaming - _Why the hell did you sell our house?_

"Oh? I'll get out of your way then." Charlie smiled, I could tell he was becoming more at peace with everything. Little by little, life was being startled back into him. All of us; perhaps. Seeing how happy he was melted a few barriers, I felt foolish for being so damn sentimental.

And we watched Elizabeth's favorite; Steele Magnolias. It was almost like movie-time with Edward. We shared a blanket and a little later, a bowl of popcorn. It distracted me from everything; except thinking about Edward. Which was a little awkward, while sitting next to his mother.

We were both sniffling babies by the end of the movie. Edward walked in as if on cue; just in time to see us at our worst. Red eyed, flushed faces, with tissues in hand.

"Aww…were you watching Bambi again?" Edward teased Elizabeth as she wiped her eyes.

"Shush you." She hissed, playfully reaching out to smack Edward as she rose to fold our blanket. Edward quickly fell into her seat, leaning into me.

"Fine. Did you have a nice evening?" Edward's tone remained chipper, I was growing curious and curious-er.

"A wonderful time, didn't we Bella?" She stuck her tongue out at Edward, dropping the folded blanket to hang over the back of the chair.

"Yeah, I had a great time." I nodded, it wasn't all bad. "…And our house sold."

"Already?" Edward asked.

"Some young lawyer swooped in and bought it." Elizabeth confirmed.

"That's good, I guess…" Edward was trying to read me, he wanted to say what I wanted to hear.

"Its only a house." I lied. Truth, it wasn't ours anymore.

.

.

In a good shoe, I wear a size six, but a seven feels so good, I buy a size eight.

.

.

Elizabeth kissed us both goodnight. It was sweet, a gesture I came to appreciate.

"Tell me what you're thinking…?" Edward hummed softly at my side.

"I'm sad only because I lived there forever. Charlie could have easily kept it, but it's time to move on." I admitted, sinking further into him.

"And how's that going?" He asked, interested. Perhaps too interested…

I was starting to see that others had it worse off than I did. Some don't even get one good parent. I had two - some days three.

"Things are good when I see each moment for what it is." I nodded.

"You're speaking voo-doo." And he laughed, but he suddenly sounded exhausted.

"Things could be better, but they could be much worse." That sounded true enough. The hour was late, but we were taking advantage of what little freedom we had.

"I'm sorry you're sorry about last night. You should have rode in with me, then you could have gone shopping with Alice right from school." Edward rambled; quite similarly to how he'd kept up all day during our shared classes.

"Yeah, usually you do all of the apologizing. I vote I'm better at it." I teased, laughing softly into his shoulder. It was too late to take back, what's done is done.

"You may be right about that… It was a nice surprise." He brushed his lips against my forehead.

"Yeah, it's not everyday…" I started, but Edward interjected.

"…a beautiful girl comes knocking in her knickers." He laughed, I giggled at the use of the word knickers…

"I'd hope not." I protested, prodding him in the chest with a finger.

"You're completely irresistible when you know what you want. Last night was more than I could ever ask for. Your pose was amazing…you were so sultry, sexy…" I cupped my hand over Edward's mouth. As much as I loved to hear Edward speak so well of me, I was equally embarrassed. When his lips stopped murmuring, I removed my hand.

"Thank you." I wasn't quite sure if he were referring to last night or the removal of my hand.

"You're welcome, anytime." But I hoped to end it there. I didn't want to dwell on something until it would become an argument. We both tended to get out of context during fights. Silly fights that only led us right back to where we were; at peace again.

"So you found a dress?" Edward's enthusiasm was showing in the grin he wore. He was enjoying the idea of seeing me in a dress. It was no different than my desire to see him in a tux.

"Sort-of, your mom is helping me with that. No worries, I'll be wearing more than just panties to the prom." Edward appeared stunned by my admittance. I thought he was going to come up with a witty retort, but he remained quiet.

I was enjoying the peace, or rather - hadn't mustered the courage to ask him where he'd been. Edward reached over and grabbed the blanket off the chair and covered us both. He had the remote and we were just about to settle in when the phone rang. The phone ringing didn't quite startle me as much as the speed in which Edward vanished from my side to retrieve it.

Edward's on the phone and I can't quite hear him. My thoughts are clouded… Impatiently wondering who is on the other end of the phone. Was he anticipating this call, or trying not to wake Elizabeth or Charlie? Not that I believed for a second Elizabeth was sleeping yet anyway. We had little freedoms, not a free for all. _Who calls this late?_

"He wants to talk to you." Edward handed me the cordless phone.

"Hello?" I responded into the receiver; entirely baffled as to who this he may be.

"Bella…" Jacob rattled in my ear. I thought we had an understanding, he was the last person I expected to call this late. _Why now?_

"Please don't hang up, just hear me out…" He spoke frantically when I hadn't formed a reply.

"He broke you once…" Quickly, I knew where this was headed. Sure we had a great summer and I probably disclosed way too much information about Edward; more than I should have. I was angry at the time… There really is no excuse, but that's the truth.

"Misunderstanding. Everything is fine." I tried to keep our conversation brief. Edward stared me down as if he were trying to steal every thought from my head. He was definitely stealing my focus, making it hard for me to comprehend the things Jacob were speaking of.

"…If he'd have held out six more months. Summer would have came, and we'd be together." I couldn't deny that Jacob was probably right, but that's not how things came to be. I'd grown silent, torn between what I wanted to say and trying to word it to be safe with Edward watching me like a hawk.

"I need more than just a summer." I retorted.

"School is out, it could have been more than summer…"

"You never put forth the effort before, it's too late." I cut him off. That's all we were, summer friends from one to the next with the occasional get together in between. Jacob used to be a good friend and hearing him talk like this… Thoughts like this have always been fleeting for me; he just isn't the one for me.

"I know you love me." Jacob blurted, cocky. I was torn with saying; as a friend or not anymore - instead I found myself being brutally honest as I fixated my gaze on Edward's eyes.

"I'll always love Edward more, good-night Jacob." I quickly hung up the phone, just as I'd expected Edward snatched it from my hands.

"What the fuck…" Edward was more awake than he'd been all night.

"It's silly, don't humor him." I snatched the phone from his hands and moved to put it back on the console to charge. Edward nodded, agreeing I were probably right.

It wasn't the ending I'd hoped for. We shared a fairly chaste kiss before we both went to our separate rooms, without argument. Both - tired, annoyed…frustrated.

.

.

So let me get this straight

All this time And you were nowhere to be found

And now you want me for your own

But you're a little late

.

.

Relieved; it was the last day of school - graduation rehearsal. That was; until I came down to the breakfast table to find Charlie and Edward talking. Not only was it strange, but they seemed to have this secret understanding. I watched the way their eyes moved like a secret handshake the minute they'd spotted me. But, I'd already heard enough - too much.

"Did he tell you I punched him? …And that was how I broke my hand." I defended myself, taking a seat at the counter beside the pair.

"I was just getting to that part." Charlie lied, I was sure of it. Edward turned away, he appeared ashamed for having asked. Doubting me enough to consider Charlie's word as truth.

"Sure you were…" And that's when the morning went to hell…

"You didn't tell me you kissed Jacob." Edward held a strong offensive stance once we loaded up into his car.

"I didn't, I punched him. Did you not hear me tell you what the fuck happened two minutes ago?" I rattled off bitter; somehow this shit was all my fault? Was I supposed to apologize, for what?

"Why didn't you tell me?" Edward exhaled in an unsteady breath. Focusing on the wheel; he clenched it tight the entire drive. Unable to look at me…

"I'm sure eventually it would have come up in dinner conversation, like that Emily chick. Or maybe it would come out in the open sort of like Becky did. You are the last person to try to be correcting my moral compass." I seethed, angry; as he parked the car. It was all so stupid, complete bullshit. Yet his negative reactions kept fueling me to spew back more venom.

"You're right about that." He grabbed his book from the back seat and left me sitting in his car. I tried to pull myself together because at this point I'm ready to walk into the gym and clock him. I'm so fucking close to getting the fuck out of here… and one phone call is ruining everything. Even with as careful as I was on the phone, it held the impact Jacob had probably hoped for.

I needed to keep my emotions under-wraps. This was my current problem.

I was thankful that M was a distance away from S; since we were being seated alphabetically. That was; until I found my chair in the row right behind him. Two long rows made up our graduating class… Most I couldn't care if I ever saw them again. Some were already teary-eyed, crying, all hugs and emotional shit. Feelings I didn't spare for my graduating class. For me; life was just getting started. This was a stepping stone - achievement.

They started calling names, not to get a mock diploma - but to receive their caps and gowns. I couldn't even remember ordering one and hoped Charlie was with it.

The situation with Edward was all so fucking stupid. I wanted to shake him, kiss him, beat him senseless, but mostly I just wanted him to love me unconditionally. As I stared at the back of his head I wondered how he could be so cold over something that happened before we started this; us. Something that was beyond my control.

"I love you." I spoke softly, as I leaned forward - closing the gap between us. It was the closest thing to an apology that I could muster.

Edward's name was called, he turned to look at me. "I'm not mad at you." Was all he said before he left the entire room baffled. Instead of going up there and grabbing his cap and gown, he walked out of the assembly.

"Hope he doesn't do that at the actual ceremony…" Students were snippy, laughing, cheering, bitching… The few of us who really knew Edward, remained quietly confused.

When my name was called I went up and received my graduation shit. Then waited at a table off stage where mothers had volunteered to keep everything organized; to try to retrieve Edward's cap and gown.

It was easy to lie for him, so fucking easy… I'd do damn near anything for him, it was upsetting that he questioned that from time to time.

I used the words; _under the weather, must have fallen really sick, yeah - we live together. _I pleaded with her to just give me his shit. Graduation was Sunday, there wasn't time for Edward's antics or for this PTA mom to be a bitch. She received the approval from Mr. R's secretary and finally gave in. I stormed out of the gym once I collected our shit.

"Took you long enough." Edward mused quietly, leaning into the lockers. His knuckles were red and angry - including a minor wound, that had already stopped bleeding. I had no doubts that Edward had been taking his frustrations out on the lockers in the hall.

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 16 - Tortured Tide**

Thanks for dropping by!


	17. Chapter 17 Tortured Liar

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 17 - Tortured Liar**

.

.

Liar, liar,

you're such a great big liar

with the tallest tales

that I have ever heard

Fire, fire,

you set my soul on fire

laughing in the corner

as it burns

right between the ribs

it's sinking in

Oh, oh, the sirens sang so sweet

and watched the sailors going down

Oh, oh, you talk to me in siren song,

yeah, anyone would drown

anyone would drown

sick and tired

of this mad desire

fluttering inside me

like a hawk

Wire, wire,

you've got my hands on wires

well, heaven help you

when I get them off

right between the ribs

you'll feel it then

Oh, oh, the sirens sang so sweet

and watched the sailors going down

Oh, oh, you talk to me in siren song,

yeah, anyone would drown

anyone would drown

all the ships go down

following the sound

all the ships go down

Oh, oh, the sirens sang so sweet

and watched the sailors going down

Oh, oh, you talk to me in siren song,

yeah, anyone would drown

anyone would drown

(A Fine Frenzy - Liar, liar)

.

.

I didn't know what to say to Edward. He wasn't mad at me; yet his tone sounded annoyed and entirely frustrated. I wished Edward would follow his own advice; things only impact you - if you let them. But, I kept that wisdom to myself. This was more his issue than it was mine.

Little by little; I was starting to comprehend and understand my triggers. I don't know if I was really defeating them, but I was self-medicating by avoiding them. Sober and still I felt sort-of just blah to everything.

I stood before him with our caps and gowns sealed in plastic bags within my hands, waiting for his cue… Waiting for him to give me purpose. I was finally here…so, now what?

It was as if he had read my thoughts. He slung his arm around my shoulder, inhaled and exhaled deeply; after he'd pulled me taught into his side. And then we strolled the fuck out of there. Casual, as if nothing had been wrong; not a care in the world.

I knew this was merely the calm before the storm.

"If you're not mad at me; who? I mean, it's in the past…" I finally grew the courage to ask, by the time we loaded up into Edward's car. Staring at Edward's bloody knuckle had left me second guessing my efforts.

"Myself." His expression was a mix of shock, shame; clarity even.

"It's nothing, let's forget about it." I insisted.

"I know that I hurt you, even if unintentionally. I'm not mad that you confided in Jacob. I'm angry that he's going to bring that up forever. And sure when I invited him over I had other motives than just catching up. But he had other motives too. What's that saying…?" I had no clue what the hell Edward was going on about. I decided I would agree with him, I sort-of half nodded…

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, that's the one!" Edward spoke frantic, as if he'd had an ah-ha moment and was afraid if he didn't get it out right then; he'd forget.

"I've always preferred; don't shit where you sleep." That was my grand contribution to the conversation.

"I'll remember that…" Edward shook his head with a bit of delayed laughter. Whatever I'd done, worked. It made me feel good; knowing I didn't entirely suck at life.

.

.

_Anything for you…_

.

.

"You're home early." Elizabeth greeted us in the kitchen.

"You're home…" Edward whined.

"Where else would I be?" She asked, amused.

"Anywhere but here…" He suggested.

"Great, you received your gowns. I was getting worried." She took the garments from my hands and looked them over through their clear plastic wrapping; basic blue graduation gowns - nothing original.

"I'll get them ironed and ready for Sunday. You ready for the big day?" She was beaming, just as I knew _my_ mother would. And she started to get teary eyed, just as _my _mother would have - perhaps even more so. Graduation for most was a bittersweet achievement…

"Yeah… Graduation, yay!" Edward feigned her level of enthusiasm. I tried not to laugh.

For me; it might have been bitter-sweet if Charlie hadn't found Elizabeth. Instead he was leaving college applications on my bed, thrilled for me to get out of the bubble he'd built around us. Of course; none of them were located anywhere near Chicago.

I knew in my heart, we'd be okay. Graduation was creeping upon me; serene and peaceful. I still don't know exactly what the hell I'm going to do after… But, I'm feeling pretty damn fearless and up for the challenge. The levels of calm I'm experiencing are mildly disturbing, I must admit.

"I'm excited." I nodded. She hugged Edward, then me. Before suddenly remembering she had some last minute shopping she needed to do. She draped our gowns over the back of a dining room chair and off she went, in a hurry.

"So…?" Edward mused with a grin.

"How did you do that?" I asked, entirely amused.

"I told her; I wanted to buy her a dress." Edward smiled as he extended his arms out and reeled me in. He smelled so good, more so since he stopped smoking as much. Warmth and sunshine, boy, cool-water, Edward.

"Well, lets wait right here like this until she gets back. I can't promise I'll behave myself if there's any moving involved." I taunted.

"Is that all you can think about?" He laughed.

"You smell so-so good. Edible…" I murmured, dragging my tongue across his bottom lip.

"Bella, I have to be honest with you. I want to. I really, really, really want to." He rambled, gripping my shoulders he put a small distance between us.

"Yes, the rhetorical question." I nodded, sucking in the corner of my bottom lip.

"Charlie's informed me, my mother keeps reminding me… That I'm the adult and you're still a minor." He noted as if those few months made a world of a difference.

_I was the fruit he wanted to devour; but I wasn't ripe enough for the picking yet. _

"Lets not add sex offender to the list of complications." I hadn't even thought of _that. _I wanted to defend Charlie, but I knew if he caught us again… He'd flip off his fucking rocker and I refused to underestimate what he could be capable of. He wanted Edward to move out the last time.. And now Charlie would have every option to crucify him if he wanted.

"I'll try harder." I admitted.

"We're in trouble if we've both been trying." He shook his head, wearing a coy smile.

"I didn't want you to be hopeful or disappointed on Friday. So while we won't be attending any of the after parties, I do have something planned." His tone was comforting, with not so subtle hints of enthusiasm.

"A more PG rated affair." I humored him.

"Another movie night but…, I have a few other surprises." I couldn't help but smile… All the while, my mind is racing with thoughts of seducing Edward. I need to figure out where the hell that switch is…

.

.

_One day at a time._

.

.

We kissed, a lot. And groped a little. We did try to behave ourselves. I never did find the kill switch on my libido.

Elizabeth arrived home just in time to start dinner.

Dinner was pretty quiet. There was one point where Elizabeth brought up how fast everything was coming along next door. Charlie commented that it looked like a totally different house. I hadn't failed to notice…

I escaped to my room after Edward bailed on dessert.

There was so much going on in my day to day. Graduation and prom. College applications; deciding on a major. Worrying about Edward and his new found freedom. Each time I'd step out of the house or look out the window, there it was. There was no escaping, no matter how far I'd shove it to the back of my thoughts. It constantly shuffled, lingering below the surface.

So many memories floated in the windows. While the shutters were now black and the siding white; my memories remained in-tact beyond the closed curtains. I convinced myself, this whole transformation was necessary. We were happy; so why did I feel so damn somber every time I looked at it? It wasn't home anymore…

"Shh…" Edward crept quietly inside before closing the door behind him. Not entirely, he left it cracked which gained a nod of approval. It seemed more innocent leaving the door cracked. And it was strange worrying about what everyone else would think, namely Charlie. Especially when for the first time all day - I wasn't really in the mood to rape Edward.

The way he looked at me… Well, I was well aware of how quickly a mood could shift.

"You shouldn't be here." I whispered in the near dark. The room illuminated only by the faint glow of the moon and the nightlight that shone from the bathroom.

"You shouldn't be sitting in the dark." Edward crawled over the bed, collapsing upon it when he reached the far side, where I was leaning into the windowpane.

"There are worse things I could be doing." I admitted wryly. Wrapping my arms around my torso to contain myself from venturing into Edward's territory.

"Alone. A woman should never be in the dark alone." Edward mused quietly.

"The witching hour?" I stifled a giggle, smile blazing.

"Who can help the dark demons that come at night; if alone." Edward intruded, grinning from ear to ear… I extended a hand to brush him off for being so damned cute. When my palm blocked out the view of his face, his lips curved to kiss the palm of my hand.

"That's me, right there… In the palm of your hand." He exhaled in a long slow breath, as he traced his invisible lip prints with a finger. A slow sensuous tickle trailing around the center of my palm.

"When did you get home?" I pulled my hand back, discarding the tickle-itch raging in my palm on the side of my jeans; it only intensified and tingled more. Edward voodoo.

"Mmm… A little over an hour ago." He answered thoughtfully, focused on my every move.

"You've been watching me this whole time?" I should have kept the monitor on… Still; at least Edward didn't think I was just sitting around pining for him. A part of me began to wonder if that's what he wanted. To know; that I'd always be here - just waiting on him.

"Yeah, I thought maybe you'd…" Edward started.

"Be sitting here bored out of my damned mind just waiting for you." I interrupted, finishing his statement.

"I'm sorry. I've been so wrapped up in helping Jasper… And sometimes…" Edward paused, trying to find the right excuse. An acceptable excuse.

"You forget I'm still seventeen and grounded until I end whatever this is with you, turn thirty, or die; whichever comes first." I laughed softly at my own predicament, reciting Charlie's words with clarity. I was envious, really. So full of envy I was growing green around the collar.

All for him. If I weren't with Edward, Charlie would loosen the reigns in a heartbeat. Here I sit, waiting… So fucking bitter.

"You spent the day with me and now I'm sounding like a greedy bitch. It's hard. I mean, I want the life you're living. I want the freedoms you have." I blurted before Edward could apologize again, it would only fuel my anger. It wasn't his fault, entirely. I suppose I held hope that he'd want to spend time with me always. Even though I knew how boring it was under the scrutinizing parental eye of being trapped inside.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't blame him. And another shopping trip with Alice was sounding like heaven about now, even though I never cared to shop much before. It was like my last fucking outlet, aside from the moments Edward graced me through the monitor.

I really need to get a life. The window shopping is killing me, I'm the biggest fucking loser in town.

"Hey, two minute rule. You're going on nine.." Charlie growled from his door at the far end of the hall, before Edward could form a reply.

"What I could do in two minutes…" Edward hummed in a low tone.

"You're not helping." I pushed him back, effectively rolling him off the end of my bed.

"You can sit on my lap for two minutes anytime…" Edward taunted as I forced him toward the door, begrudgingly he paced backwards ever so slowly. It was so fucked up the ways in which we tortured each other. Green light, red light - there never was a yellow light. If there was ever a warning light; I failed to notice. I had no idea how we'd make it through the summer, celibate…

.

.

_Two minutes.._

_Like drinking salt water._

_You drink, and your thirst increases._

.

.

Alice had a way of reading my mind, but some things tended to get lost in translation. Elizabeth woke me up just before nine, Alice was on the phone…

Too damn early…

Still; I climbed out of bed, threw my hair up and dressed for Alice. Rosalie and Alice swung by. I'd never really spent too much time with Rose… I wasn't even really sure why I'd been invited on this outing, but I'd use any excuse I could to get out. I even managed to snag a few extra bucks from Charlie, already it was a pretty good day.

We started out at the craft store, buying ribbons, gems, feathers, lace…a mix-mash of media for the garters Alice insisted we make them ourselves to personalize them. Everyone just assumed Edward and I were sleeping together. I suppose neither of us did any damage control to dissuade these rumors. I know I personally fueled them a time or two.

And then we moved onto this cute little lingerie boutique that Alice and I adored. They had everything from trashy to tasteful. I was a little lost as the girls bantered back and forth over which was sexier, cuter, would the boys really like it…? I kept my eyes low and continued to browse the racks.

"Bella…" Alice caught me being quiet.

"They're boys, it's underwear…" I shook my head. Seriously, the only thing they'd like more; was if they weren't wearing any at all. I found a chair off in the corner outside of the dressing rooms and seated myself, leaning my head against the wall I loosely folded my hands in my lap as I waited for Rose and Alice to finish up.

"You found what you're wearing, I want to see!" Alice brushed by, squealing.

"I'm not wearing any…" I winked, fucking with her. It didn't matter, not like Edward would be seeing my underwear anyway. Typically, I loved buying underwear…

Which led to a sixteen-minute conversation in the dressing room with Alice, on why I wasn't buying new lingerie. She wasn't buying it… I ended up purchasing a really pretty champagne-pink satin bra, with a black lace overlay and cute little decorative black bows. Matching it with these adorable black ruffled panties that tied closed at the hips. Ruffles covered the backside, I have a ruffle obsession when it comes to underwear.

Alice went for elegant with a silk periwinkle blue-silvery set. Rose went more for trashy with hot pink lace, edged with what looked like miniature black boas, fur. The thong part of the underwear was made of the same fake fur, which had Alice and I giggling at the register.

"This is what men like…" Rose huffed as we darted out of the shop and back onto the sidewalk.

"Unless it's Edward Masen…" I growled, frustrated. I was almost embarrassed to admit it. Typically I'd think there were something wrong with me, but now I knew it was on Edward.

"What?" Rose choked.

"His latest excuse sounded more legitimate than the others. Yeah… We're not." I admitted.

"I mean Charlie could have him locked up now, for real… I still don't think Edward would anyway. Even though he says he really wants to, I don't know. I think there will always be some excuse."

"Edward's not gay." Rose really surprised me. I expected her to laugh but she appeared genuinely concerned. Even though her comment came out of fucking nowhere.

"Yeah…I'm not really concerned about that." I felt like seeking out the nearest wall and banging my head into it.

"It's totally because of Becca." Rose blurted, pissed.

"Becky?" I asked, entirely confused. I never heard Edward mention a Becca…

"Becky, Becca, the Seattle crack-head coke whore; she's a slut." Rose admitted.

As Rose starts telling me this story, Alice looks horrified. I'm a little horrified myself, not just because of what Rose is saying…but because I know; by the look on Alice's face.

"You knew…" I accused, and Alice's jaw tightened…

"I knew, you wouldn't want to know." Alice stammered.

"And why wouldn't I want to know?" I was nearly screaming on the sidewalk.

"Wasn't life better two minutes ago when you were oblivious; even though you weren't getting laid. It's a little thing, that doesn't change anything. Except now you're just pissed and bitter because you were the last to know. But if your head wasn't inserted in your ass, you would have known about it last year. She told that shit to anyone who would listen."

"I don't even know who the fuck she is!" I scoffed, angry and bitter just as Alice had called it.

"Sure you do…" Alice rounded her car and unlocked the doors, we proceeded to climb in after her.

"Third grade. Remember the dirty blonde? Claimed her mother abused her and that's why she lived with her aunt. Then suddenly she disappeared and we all thought she'd been sent away again?" Alice spoke quickly.

"Yeah…?" I sort of remembered. The girl was drama and some even thought she was murdered instead of just being sent away. She could tell some crazy stories… So crazy, you hoped they weren't true.

"She was sent to her aunts because they thought Forks had a better school district. Her mother decided to home-school her after all. She's a liar and Edward doesn't ever want to talk about it. So nobody knows how true it is. I don't think he raped her." I was already horrified with the graphic details Rose divulged of them possibly having sex. Now Alice was throwing the word rape into the mix.

"Back the fuck up…" _What the fuck_?

"Everyone was on something. Edward stumbled out, mostly clothed. He looked like he was going to be sick, and he wouldn't have been the first of the night to start tossing cookies. Becca was bleeding and freaking out, from whatever she was on."

"And Edward wasn't the only one in the bedroom, he was just the only one to walk out that night." Rose inserted.

"With that many people in there I thought it was more drugs, not a gang bang." Alice admitted. _Gang bang…what the fuck_…

"So she told everyone Edward raped her?" I asked, making sure I was connecting the pieces together correctly.

"She got her period." Rose snorted.

"I didn't hear anything from that room, until I heard her screaming. Edward came out right away and she was standing beside the bed, bleeding all over the carpet." Alice recited; with a bit of annoyance lacing her tone.

"But that's what she said, he raped her?" I repeated myself.

"Yes, but Bella that bitch says a lot of things. She was the leech of the party, nobody even likes her. The guys let her hang around because if they get drunk enough she might become appealing, and she never says no. Whether he really slept with her or not, I don't know. He looked too wasted to take care of himself that night, let alone anyone else - if you want my honest opinion. But Becca never says no, she's gutter trash." Alice ended it, just like that. Abruptly she started the car and we took off. I didn't even care that the conversation had ended. I sulked in the backseat with all of this new information swirling about in my head.

.

.

_Save me…_

_Whether I want it or not._

.

.

As we worked on our garters, I was numb. I didn't want to do any of it. I just wanted to call it a day but on the same note, I didn't want to go home.

It was just like what Charlie said would happen. Something awful would happen between Edward and I, and then I wouldn't feel like I could call the same place he does; home. It would be tainted with everything Edward…

Edward had fallen, sunk so low… He lied to me.

Alice had picked up the slack and eventually her and Rose took over my project. I hung out for awhile listening to the girls talk hair and make-up. I was only half listening, like I had become a shell of myself. With this huge black void in the middle that slowly ate away at me. So much adrenaline running, I felt drugged and broken-down.

Alice dropped me off just before nine. I knew I'd successfully skipped dinner, they wouldn't wait on me. I stepped through the door to find Elizabeth and Charlie curled up on the couch watching television.

"I left your dinner in the microwave." Elizabeth smiled from the couch.

"I already ate with the girls, thanks." I lied, bobbing my head.

"Oh, did you have fun?" Charlie asked, I knew he wasn't genuinely interested. He just wanted feedback that said I didn't get into any trouble.

"Yeah, we talked about prom." I bobbed my head again… slowly walking toward the staircase…

"Uh-huh…" Charlie's gaze was fixated on the television; so I made a break for it. Taking on the steps two at a time as I rushed up to my room. Turned on the monitor and typical - Edward wasn't home. I was both relieved and annoyed at that fact.

Two-forty-nine; that's when I heard Edward's car pull into the drive. I hopped out of bed and managed to catch him trying to sneak inside quietly. I give him a scare, but it's nothing compared to what I'd like to do to him.

"Come outside." I insist, walking out toward the street.

"I'm…" And I already know what he's going to say.

"Sorry. You're sorry alright…" I laughed at the insanity of it all.

"Listen, I'm really sorry…" Edward stepped forward to console me. To bring me down from the level of insanity I was riding upon. Crazy Bella was two seconds away from showing herself.

"I thought Becky just licked your neck once. Today I heard you fucked her." I couldn't repeat the word rape, that part I didn't believe. Hell, I couldn't convince Edward to rape me… And you can't rape the willing.

"Bella…" Edward said my name in an exasperated breath.

"Edward." I scolded, not amused.

"You don't know who I was then, I don't know who I was then…" Edward extended his hands, to prove he were unarmed? Still; it hurt like hell… He wasn't denying shit.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You fucked her, but you're a different person now. What about all that shit you said to me about firsts and…" I was so fucking irritated, hurt, and angry I could no longer complete a damn sentence.

"I honestly don't know what happened that night."

"You might have wanted to throw in and maybe I fucked her… Damn-it, what else are you hiding?" I wanted nothing more than to pound my fists into him until all the hurt went away.

"During truth I told you about Becky, but that's the one thing I never wanted you to know. I threw it out there to see if you already knew, I thought you knew. Everyone knew... I was relieved that you didn't know; and thought I'd given you enough truth." The more he spoke, the more betrayed I felt.

"I want to know, everything." I was lying to myself. I needed more to hate him, I wanted to hate him. He paused for awhile, raking his hands through his hair with a fury. I began to doubt if he would give me the truth. He tugged his hair one last time and spoke nearly through gritted teeth.

"We shafted a bunch of E. I stuck pills up my ass to get high and ended up overdosing. Is that the shit you want to know about me?" Edward had grown defensive, sarcastic, and bitter.

"I'm not naïve enough to believe that everything is rainbows, sunshine and fucking unicorns Edward. That's just what you prefer to blow up my ass. It's the only time you ever fuck me." I spat.

"We talked about that….Fuck! Fine, you want it." He was so angry, veins were popping out of his forehead…

"I'm sitting on the bed, hanging onto the bed-post because my spine feels like jell-o. Becky is walking around the bed… There's bodies everywhere, and the room is hot as hell. I'm blacking out. My vision has become a screen with a short wire, in and out, in and out. I can hear a fan in the distance, further reminding me how humid it felt while trapped in that room. My heart was beating out of my chest, I didn't feel well. She licks my neck and her tongue feels cool and nice at first… Then so hot, like acid on my skin. She leaves my side and disappears for awhile. Then she's right in my face, standing over me. I remember touching her skin, but I don't know exactly where. It was smooth like and arm or a leg… I tried to remember where I was because there's this sudden time gap and I think I'm hallucinating. Becky screams. My dick is hanging out of my pants and there's blood everywhere. She's about four feet away from me with blood running down her legs, like something straight out of a horror movie. I see the door and I'm trying to get to it, but it feels like it keeps moving further away. Someone opens the door and a cool breeze sucks me out. I throw up on the floor and I get escorted outside. Mike finds me wandering and helps me get my shit together. I wake up in the alley at home, I'm still fucked up. I try to sneak in and end up getting caught. I always get caught…. There isn't any blood; that's what I said to my mother when she caught me at the backdoor. That's when she decided I needed help." Edward was even more so exasperated by the time he ended his little speech.

"Help for what, being a dumb-ass?" I ridiculed, annoyed

"You've had your share of demons too…" Edward growled.

"At least I own them, I don't pretend they don't exist." I blurted, frantic.

"You owned them alright. Nurtured them like they were your only fucking friend in the whole world; until they became all you knew. I've been there and talking about it just pisses me off, enough." His tone was on edge as he spoke in angry bursts.

"She licked my neck, that's all I remember. Summer was a blur that carried on into fall." I didn't know what to say, Edward had eluded to these memory lapses before, I just never assumed it was this bad. That Edward had truly sunk as low as me… Maybe worse.

"If I didn't get my shit together, Joanne was going to help my mom send me off to some military based charter school."

"Edward Masen, scared of a few push ups…" I quipped, shaking my head.

"I wasn't ready to let you go then, and I won't let you go now." Edward boldly confessed. It was like the cafeteria kiss all over again. Edward invaded my space, holding onto me firmly with no outlet for release. His lips frantically tried to convince me to stay, keep him.

When I fought against the pull of his arms, that truly kept their promise of not letting me go… He stopped kissing me, only to grip onto me tighter…

"Please…Bella… Don't you see, you're all I have. You're everything to me." His words hummed in a deep tone along my ear; in a final plea.

"Where were you?" I spat, angry.

"With Jasper tying up loose ends for prom, I swear." At least he knew where he stood, I didn't necessarily trust him completely anymore.

.

.

I love

The way you lie

.

.

Alice called to confirm I was still going to prom. Suppose she knew me almost as well as Edward. I was still a little bitter that Edward had lied to me, or withheld the complete truth - same fucking difference. But, I was going… with Edward.

I asked Elizabeth about my dress a couple times through the course of the day. Did she need any help, was it ready? She kept evading me and I couldn't be certain it wasn't intentional. It's not like she could fuck up the dress anymore than I already had. Though I was the one expected to wear it…

I was just about to hunt down my dress. When I opened my bedroom door, she came bursting inside with an obscenely large dress bag.

"Okay…" She thrust the bag onto the bed, nearly out of breath after fighting to get the damn thing in through the door.

"It's not your dress." She admitted…

"I see…" I hummed softly.

"Edward insisted I buy you a dress…" She exclaimed with a smile. Just like Edward, bending the rules. I told her I didn't want her to buy me a dress, but Edward buying it - well that made it okay…

"I hope you like it." Edward spoke quietly, leaning against the open doorway. He sounded unsure of himself, like the scared little boy that held onto me in the wee hours of the morning.

"The day we got our gowns?" I asked, confused but finding clarity. He told her he wanted to buy her a dress - her, as in me?

"Yes, and Edward picked out the dress.." Elizabeth confessed. "I told him it might be a bit much for prom, but he insisted. You're going to be the belle of the ball!" Elizabeth was so excited. I bit my tongue and refrained from calling Edward obscenities, he was such a little shit.

"Well let's see it…" I braced myself against the dresser with my lips sealed in a tight line. Edward bought me a dress… Be nice, stay calm…

_Holy fuck_… I hummed to myself.

"Do you like it?" Edward asked, softly. I could no longer see Elizabeth, she was buried in royal purple taffeta. I stammered trying to find the words to reply…

"This is the dress on main street…" I huffed in an oh my fucking god way. Alice adored this dress, it carried a price tag of just under ten grand. The one displayed in the window, was white. It was one of the finer designer wedding dresses the store carried.

"The very same, too much?" Edward blurted.

"Way too much…" My filter had failed.

"Wear it, please." Edward asked politely.

"There's no returns on custom orders. For what it cost, someone had better be wearing it." She gave Edward the eye, perhaps a signal he should have considered her judgment. Even she agreed it were a bit much for prom.

"Edward, you would look lovely…" I insinuated.

"Can I have two minutes?" He snapped at Elizabeth. She laid the dress neatly over the bed. It consumed the bed…

"Two-minutes, make it snappy. The girls are on their way over." Elizabeth noted.

"The girls?" Apparently I was oblivious to most things that went on around this house.

"Alice called and said she was on her way with Rosalie, didn't you make plans?" Now Elizabeth sounded more confused than I did. Edward ushered her out of the bedroom and closed the door - practically in her face. She briskly knocked on the door; reminding him of his two minutes.

"I've seen the other dress." He admitted.

"Was it wrong of me to want to make tonight special?" He threw out his hands, over the dress.

"Special doesn't have to come with an insane price tag Edward. Nobody else is going to be wearing a ten thousand dollar dress to prom!" I argued my point. Hell, I was afraid to breathe on the damn dress, forget wearing it.

"My mom talked them down to seven, if we ignore the over-seas shipping charges." Edward admitted.

"That's so much better…" I laughed, shaking my head. Edward stepped back and grew quiet. It made me realize how ungrateful I must have appeared.

"I don't mean to seem ungrateful, but a few hundred dollars would have been too much." I confessed. Even if I had the money, I couldn't bring myself to spend more than that on a prom dress. And certainly not this!

"It's a gift; whether you wear it or not, it's yours." Edward insisted, I started feeling really guilty.

"Tell me I won't look stupid? What are you going to wear?" I asked, paranoid. My anxiety levels raised at the idea of wearing it. Everyone would be looking at me… He took my hand, giving it a gentle sway in his palm.

"Oh, I fully intend to be your prince." He tipped his head to kiss the top of my hand. I couldn't help but smile.

"Fine, I'll wear it for you." I begrudgingly gave in.

"I'll ask nothing more." Edward brushed his lips along my cheek, before darting out of my room. Presumably, before I'd change my mind…

.

.

You ever love somebody so much

You can barely breathe

When you're with them

.

.

Elizabeth checked back in, just in time to help zip me up. It wasn't awkward until she was fumbling with the zipper and I couldn't help but become a little embarrassed with my choice in undergarments.

Sadly, each of my undergarments had their own personality so to speak - and I quickly rationalized that there really was no better option. That made me feel a tad better about it. _What the hell is taking her so long?_

"Everything okay back there?" I nervously asked.

"Oh, it's one of those tiny zippers. Just a minute….and there!" She exclaimed proudly.

"Thanks." I smiled, appreciative. Then it dawned on me that the woman had seen me near naked on canvas, she was probably thankful I wore underwear. _See… feeling better already…_

"Should we do your hair up?" She smiled.

"I don't know if I can do this…" I blurted, my stomach was doing flip-flops and I thought I might hurl. I was growing warm and the dress suddenly felt too tight.

"Sure you can." She ran her hands over my shoulders similar to the way Edward often did. It was comforting and weird at the same time.

"I really don't…" I shook my head, stammering.

"Bella, you're gorgeous. It's prom…and you'll have such a wonderful time." She insisted with a smile.

I was sitting on the ledge of the bathtub while Elizabeth curled my hair. My anxiety was so bad my hands were shaking in my lap.

"Edward told me about your fight this morning." Elizabeth threw that little gem out without warning. _If this is the warm up_…

"Oh?" I played it smart.

"He never tells me much of anything, so it has me worried." She was playing it smart too. Giving me a little, hoping I would give more.

"It was nothing." I lied. Maybe eventually it would be nothing, but for now it was all too fresh in my memory. I wanted to stomp Edward for getting his mother involved, period.

"I appreciate you making light of it." She exhaled, her tone ashamed.

"Edward sent you." I remarked.

"I'd be up here regardless, but yes." She laughed nervously, I laughed along.

"He said to make sure you knew he wasn't an idiot." She emphasized the word idiot.

"Those were the orders? Edward; not an idiot. Got it." I laughed.

"I'm glad we got that out of the way." She moved to rest the hot iron on the counter of the sink before loosening my curls with her fingers.

"Yeah, me too." I admitted, trying not to sound as awkward as that moment felt. It did wonders on easing the jitters. There wasn't much else I could focus on.

Alice and Rosalie came bursting into my room two minutes too late! Alice stood in the bathroom doorway looking as gorgeous as ever in this really pretty pale blue-silvery dress. On me it would look like my grandmothers curtains. On Alice it was stunning, she looked amazing; like a brunette Jessica Rabbit. I didn't even know Alice possessed that much cleavage honestly.

"Hey girls." Elizabeth spoke in a chipper tone, whilst she pinned my hair.

"Oh my god is that the.." Alice finally realized what I was wearing.

"The very same…" I spoke through gritted teeth as I forced a smile.

"Wow, excuse me…but holy shit, Bella!" Alice was practically shitting herself.

"I know." I nodded my head slightly, trying not to disrupt Elizabeth's handi-work. I knew I was screwed.

"What?" Rosalie asked, trying to peek around Alice - before finally shoving her out of the way.

"Aww, Bella…." Rosalie looked like she wanted to cry tears of joy for me. Her dress was short - hot pink and layered with ruffles. She paired it with a black feather boa. Her lingerie definitely matched.

"Enough about the dress…Sheesh, I'll let you try it on later." I tried to play it cool. They envied me, and I was well aware how ugly that could get. I'd have to pretend to be really appreciative in front of the girls; so they wouldn't gouge out my eyes with their heels.

.

.

_Being a princess…_

_Isn't all it's cracked up to be._

.

.

The girls were impatient and went downstairs to hang with the guys. Elizabeth finished up my make-up and when it was time to look in the mirror I wasn't sure I wanted to. Afraid I'd lose what little nerve I had and start shaking all over again. Right now I had just enough resolve to get me out the door.

"Thank you for everything." She'd been so sweet to me. Sure Alice or Rosalie could have done the job, but it was nice to have a mothers touch. More so than that; her acceptance of me. I felt loved; as if the time we spent together wasn't just out of obligation or simply - to be nice.

"You look beautiful, slip your shoes on and I'll see you downstairs." She beamed.

Hm…shoes would be nice. It's a shame I completely forgot to buy a pair for this special occasion. It never crossed my mind. I stood before the closet weighing my options; black Converse Chuck Taylor sneakers or black boots… Decisions, decisions…

I caught the first glimpse of myself in the mirror and I almost didn't recognize myself. With the way she did my make-up, the amber flecks in my eyes really stood out. It was just enough make-up to enhance without looking completely unnatural.

And the dress truly was amazing in that princess sort of way. I even found myself spinning in front of the mirror for good measure… I used to love frilly dresses; once upon a time. Now I was terrified people would look at me; because I was beautiful. How silly is that…

"Bella!" Charlie called from downstairs. I went with the boots because they were more sturdy and easier to step into. I fought the rolls of bunched taffeta until I found the laces. I managed to tie them by the third or fourth time Charlie had called for me. He wasn't helping.

I think Edward stopped breathing by the time I rounded the staircase. It took Jasper startling him to life with a precise elbow to the ribs before his mouth fell open.

"Edward…" I noticed there seemed to be a theme among everyone in the party…and clearly Edward and I didn't fit in. Jasper and Emmett looked like something right out of a mob movie, complete with striped suits and fedoras. The girls were stunning, beside them.

Edward definitely lived up to his task of wearing purple. Wearing a purple jacket with tails, black slacks, and a black, purple, and silver diamond checked vest. Completed with a very bouffant frilly white tie. And I looked like the purple version of Belle, from Beauty and the Beast. Maybe he were trying to pull off the beast in purple. _He had a strange frilly tie too? _

I don't know; but he looked as gorgeous as ever and I was right. The purple really did set off his amaze-balls green eyes.

"My princess." Edward exhaled so deeply, as if it that breath might have been his last. He certainly held it long enough.

"Don't stop breathing on me." I quipped with a smile. Everyone received a little chuckle out of that statement.

"Give me a minute… God, you're beautiful. You look amazing… And I'm going to shut up now before I get in trouble with my buddy Charlie over here." He laughed nervously.

It took me a minute to find him, because he was hunched over behind the group; trying to snuff out tears.

"Dad, are you crying?" I whined, unbelievable!

"No, baby…I'm good. I'm better than good." I could tell clearly by his tone he were crying.

"Alright, but you've got to quit right now; before you make me cry." I admitted.

"Let's take some pictures!" Elizabeth decided. We posed for what felt like an hour inside and then outside; before the limo arrived.

.

.

_You never see the hard times in a photo album_

_But, those are the ones that get you_

_From one snap shot to the next_

.

.

The entrance was the hard part. However the venue had set up tents outside, so it was fairly easy to sneak in and out. Once we were seated, I felt great. I love prom! Tucked away in the corner at the outer edge of the tent, among friends - life was good.

We had hors d'oeuvres and sparkling water. Conversation was flowing smoothly until everyone at our table decided to get up and dance.

"May I have this dance?" He looked really cute, he did. He even got up and did this strange little courtesy thing before me; imitating a prince.

"I wore the dress." I reminded him of his promise to ask nothing more.

"Remember when I insinuated you couldn't dance? I knew if I said that, you wouldn't dance with anyone but me. You're a wonderful dance partner, so lets go." He stood like a stone statue at my side with his arm splayed out to take my hand.

"Edward…" I stared at all of the smiling faces on the dance floor…

"Just pretend we're out on the front walk and hopefully this time Charlie and my mother won't pull up. Come on, don't be such a princess." He insisted, which had me laughing at his quick retort. I gave in.

"See this isn't so bad." Edward mused softly.

"I love that you made me princess for a day, I just hate the attention." I admitted, as we swayed to the beat of a live band.

"I could do this everyday. I've received so many compliments at the punch bowl. Kudla said I looked dashing... Dashing, right?" Edward laughed.

"You look marvelous darling." I recited in an exaggerated tone.

Then came the drum roll; and the student council lined the stage. It was awards ceremony time. I had no doubt who was going to win.

"_Voted king and queen; by seventy and sixty-six percent respectively, let's give a big round of applause for Mike Newton and Tanya Denali!"_

The crowd started to clear for their dance. Static blared over the microphone and then out of nowhere Jasper's voice echoed.

"_Voted prince and princess; by eighty-four and ninety-one percent respectively, let's give a big round of applause for Edward Masen and Bella Swan_." Edward grinned - it was the guilty one… Before he burst into soft laughter. It was a complete prank and the crowd went along with it, with a little help from Alice.

"Hooo Bella!" Alice squealed. Edward wasted no time in leading me further onto the dance floor.

"You're crazy…" I hummed along his collar.

"About you." He spun me around, and I was dipped before I knew it. Edward received a round of applause for his showmanship.

"I hate you." I lied.

"Perhaps now; but later…" Edward insinuated, with a smirk.

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 17 - Tortured Liar**

Thanks for dropping by!


	18. Chapter 18 Tortured Prom

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 18 - Tortured Prom**

.

.

The light that's in your eyes, like everyone wants it to be

Well can't you see, that it must be this way

Who knows who's wrong or right, just as long as you're here tonight

Just like my mother, always taking my likings away

When nobody's watching us

I missed the last song

I blame myself for just standing there too long

I missed the last song

I blame myself for just standing there

I miss the love, I miss the holidays

I miss my best friend, cheap cigars, stupid kids, and movie stars

And just like my father, always taking my likings away

When nobody's watching us

I missed the last song

I blame myself for just standing there too long

I missed the last song

I blame myself for just standing there too long

Why does it feel like this world is just not for us

Why does it feel like this world's all they've got for us

Why does it feel like nobody's watching us

I missed her sweet smell, I miss it everyday

I miss my best friend, cheap cigars, stupid kids, and movie stars

And I missed the last song, and I miss you

And this time this one's for us

I missed the last song

I blame myself for just standing there too long

I missed the last song

I blame myself for just standing there too long

I missed the last song

I missed the last song

I missed the last song

I missed the last song

(Theory of a Deadman - Last Song)

.

.

We escaped to the docks; a safe distance away from the party. However it appeared a few already had the same idea, couples kissing quietly in the night.

"Remember when I said I had a plan?" Edward laughed softly at my side.

"Well this isn't it." He insisted, taking my hand he lead me further out onto the zig-zag webbing of the docks. Moonlight reflecting off the black water.

"What are you doing?" I watched Edward tinker over the side of a small boat, before stepping aboard.

"Don't tell me you bought a boat…" A small fishing boat…

"Rented. My princess…" Edward held out an arm. The boat looked so small in comparison to the black water that surrounded it.

"Edward, I'm scared." It was a lot of dress to pack into one little boat. And such a big drop down, or so it seemed.

"I won't let you fall…" Impatient as ever; Edward pulled me into his arms, to slide down his frame. Unsteady, the boat rocked beneath us.

"Edward!" I screamed, his body remained frigid as he secured the balance of the boat. Before softening under the beautiful echo of his laugh. Moments like this. Even when I wanted to be angry with him, I couldn't.

"You're fine. I have you." Edward's tone was deep, soothing; as he helped me ease to a sit on the boat. He had me alright…

"I would have settled for making-out on the dock." I laughed softly at the thrill of it all. I wasn't in the water, yet.

"Ah, but see… I don't ever want you to settle." Edward grinned as he rowed us away from the dock. This was all very sweet, even though I wasn't quite sure where we were headed. But rarely did Edward fail to amaze me.

"So, what's the plan?" I settled on something safe.

"Something I've been working on for quite awhile…" Edward was intentionally elusive on the topic. Instead of begging or bickering; I kicked back and enjoyed the ride.

"You are so practical." Edward laughed, he'd almost stopped rowing completely.

"What? Practical is good…" I insisted, not having the faintest idea what he were going on about.

"You wore your boots." Edward remarked pointing the handle of an oar toward my feet, his laughter faded and he had that glint in his eye. He could appreciate the boots, he loved me…

"Yeah…" I nodded, adjusting my dress; I hoped to conceal them completely.

"I love it when you surprise me." His tone radiated between my legs and I wanted nothing more than to pounce him over the water. But it appeared we were coming up on another dock.

"You're going to hit the dock." I warned. Edward caught the post at the dock and proceeded to tie us in.

"We're here." Edward helped me rise to my feet and exit the boat. Once my first foot hit the dock the boat began to shake uneasy again. I rest my hand on his chest for balance as I pushed my way onto the dock. Edward followed quickly behind and began to lead me down the dock by an arm he kept tightly bound at my waist. I realized once we hit the paths that we were at a different area of the country club.

Soft music bellowed from a building ahead. A band played, much better than the one that performed at the dance. I never thought I could feel any more out of place tonight; but entering a clubhouse filled with mostly senior citizens dancing on a Friday night seemed to have that effect.

.

.

_Life may not be the party we hoped for;_

_But as long as we're here, we may as well dance._

.

.

"Dance with me…" Edward asked, leading the way toward the dance floor before I could blink to refuse.

"This is all very nice, but I don't think we're invited." I whispered, leaning into Edward's ear as he weaved us through the tables surrounding the dance floor.

"Edward… Is that you?" A petite older woman, moved close to Edward. So close, I wondered if she were half blind.

"So it is, Edna… But tonight… Tonight I'm going to dance with my Bella." Edward spoke in a raised strained tone as he leaned toward her ear. I stood quietly beside him, wondering how she knew him.

"Okay dear." She patted his arm, leaving lip prints on his cheek in a lovely shade of coral, before scooting off… "Peter, Is that you?" She called across the dance floor, Edward released a soft but heavy laugh. I could feel the weight of his chest quaking all the way down to the hand that clutched mine.

My hand felt so natural in his, I couldn't remember when he had taken it. It was a powerful moment…

"Bella?" That had Edward calling me back down to solid ground. We shared a smile, before we assumed position on the dance floor.

"You know each other?" I noted, watching as Edward smeared away the coral lip color on the sleeve of his jacket.

"I know everyone here." Edward admitted before twirling me out. The skirt of my dress spun so wide, I was prepared to be issued my own zip code.

"Edward, Bella… It's so nice to see you." A tall lanky man, stopped at our side; just as Edward finished reeling me back in.

"Henry, this is Bella." Edward stepped back, showing me off to his friend? Henry was cute for an older gentleman; his features reminded me of James Dean.

"Hi Henry, it's nice to meet you." Edward allowed him to take my hand from his and while I thought it was a kind gesture, I also wanted to kick Edward. How did he know them all? How did Henry know my name? Why had we come here?

"You are even more breathtaking in person." Henry commented. And before I knew it I was being reeled in; by Henry. Edward protested, for my sake I assume. And Henry flirted Edward with a reminder that he had danced with Anna, whomever that was. It was then that Edward moved to the edge of the dance floor, as Henry lead me around it.

"Edward. He's a fine young lad… He'll grow into something remarkable." Henry commented, shifting his gaze toward Edward, who was all smiles while intently watching us.

"He is." I smiled softly, obviously Henry was another one of Edward's cheerleaders. Another song had started by the time we rotated back to where Edward was waiting.

"May I cut in?" Edward tapped Henry on the shoulder repeatedly like an impatient child. Which beckoned a laugh from my fabulous dance partner, and I. He was more graceful than Edward. I imagined that came with age and experience.

He stepped back giving Edward full privilege.

"Thank you for the dance my lady." Henry beamed.

"You're a wonderful dancer." I smiled, thanking him. I was rather certain I'd stepped on his foot more than once and yet he remained so gracious.

"The pleasure was all mine." Henry insisted. Edward couldn't thrust himself against me quick enough, melding our bodies in a seamless line.

"Call me." Henry called back from a pace of a few feet away.

"I will." Edward called back over his shoulder.

"Not you, her." Henry winked. It was all rather amusing, more so than I anticipated.

"You scoundrel." Edward retorted with a laugh.

"Who is Anna? And how do you know all of these people?" It was my turn to cut in.

"Anna was Henry's late wife, she passed last fall. This is a part of my probation, community service…" I felt guilty for asking, and then entirely confused.

"When were you put on probation?" I insisted, at this point we lost our sway to the beat.

"Charlie never told you?" Edward's tone was sincerely laced with shock, he appeared more baffled than I; if that were possible.

"He started hinting you were trouble... " I noted.

"Bella… It's been a great night, and I'm not ready to ruin it yet." Edwards lips brushed against my forehead. I nodded softly, willing to change the topic. We danced ear to ear for a short while, swaying slowly over the dance floor. Still the conversation hadn't ended in my thoughts. There were so many questions…

It gave me a bit of reprieve to know that his community service cut into the time spent with Mike and Tanya... I didn't want to come off as the clingy, needy girlfriend. But on many levels it would suit me just fine.

_Jealousy is an ugly state of mind._

"I'm going to come clean about everything." Edward promised, perhaps sensing my frustration. We danced for an hour or so, most times it were peaceful. Sharing glances with couples that had probably spent decades together. They had the wisdom and secrets; the glue to keeping it all together.

Just as Edward and I had a long history… I wondered if when they looked at us; the glue - did we have it too? I used to think we had the glue to hold it all together, and then we slowly fell apart like a bad craft project.

I know the history we share plays a great role in what keeps me holding on. My first and only love… And the jealousy, I don't think I could stand to ever see Edward with someone else…

The music died to be replaced with a burst of mumbles at around ten o'clock. Our party moved out toward the hall, vacating the building from an exit that lead out onto a parking lot.

Edward and I said our goodbyes as we watched his friends load up onto their bus, emblazoned with the Quillayute Retirement Center logo. Their bus pulled off and our limo awaited.

.

.

_If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet;_

_You best teach it to dance._

.

.

"Tired? Too much dancing?" Edward stroked my cheek softly as we sat nestled in the back seat together.

"No…I just don't want this night to be over." I admitted, still snuggled in the crook of Edward's arm. I knew it was only a matter of minutes before we'd be home, but the limo stopped at the corner of our block. I thought maybe we were going to sit and talk, but Edward was quick to thank and tip our driver.

I found it peculiar that we weren't dropped off out front, but it was a short walk… I didn't fail to notice that the new neighbor moved in. Their new porch light shone brighter than ours. The front walk was lit up like a runway, with small evenly spaced decorative lights.

"I don't want to go home." I admitted. Edward obliged, stopping on the walk at the corner of my old house. I didn't have a plan, but I wasn't ready to go home. I wanted to steal time, knowing I'd probably pay for it later; once Charlie got a-hold of me.

Edward lead me up the walk of my old house.

"I don't want to meet the new neighbor tonight." I balked at the idea of showing up on the neighbors door step in full prom attire; surely they would think we were crazy. I turned to go, but Edward caught me by the waist and spun me back up onto the porch.

After producing a key from his pocket, he unlocked the front door. Baffled, mesmerized - didn't even begin to express the weight of everything I was feeling.

Curiosity was a vile thing. Staring at the open doorway, new floors - restored railing, paint colors I'd never seen before. I was being sucked in. It was so surreal, this was my home - but it wasn't anymore.

I felt the slap of reality the minute Edward closed the door behind me.

"I'm the new neighbor." Edward fell back against the door. I was well aware my jaw fell slack as Edward studied me.

"What? Why?" Was my first reaction. "What happened to Chicago?" Anxiety began to rear its ugly head, the walls felt like they were closing in on me. Everything we'd planned…

Now Edward had made his own arrangements to live next to our parents… While my plans involved escaping, avoiding, and mostly evading them.

"Edward…" I warned, my breathing sharp.

"Hear me out." Edward lead me toward the den, seating me in a leather chair I'd never seen before. The house smelled of cinnamon and vanilla, new leather, sawdust, and fresh paint.

I nodded, but inside I couldn't stop screaming. _No, no, no! This isn't how it's supposed to be!_

"It's an investment for our future..." Hearing him say those words didn't make it any more appealing.

"I've never had you to myself for an entire summer." Edward seated himself on the coffee table, his gaze lowered at my level. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I had just started letting go, and Edward was buying it all back. The high of the night was wearing thin.

"I bought a plane ticket for Chicago. I already told them, I'm leaving next week. Give myself time to get settled and adjusted to the area before classes start." It was a conflicting statement from wanting to spend a summer with me, it left me on edge.

"I know their schedules, for when it's safe to come and go." Edward reached under my dress, pulling my foot into his lap - he began to untie the laces of my boot.

And… I wasn't sure if I were breathing or not.

"Are you going to Chicago or not?" I huffed, still breathing. He had my foot splayed over his lap and I wasn't above kicking him in the groin if he didn't have the correct answer.

"No. I mean, I will - eventually. But if Charlie thinks I'm gone, he'll ease up and maybe we can spend more time together." His tone grew to be laced with worry toward the end. As if I wouldn't leap at the opportunity to spend more time with him, laughable really.

By the time he finished reciting his plan, I kissed Edward with the sincerity that he were a damn genius! If we didn't get caught...

Charlie could be intuitive when he wanted to be.

.

.

_Always judged for my actions;_

_Rather than my intentions._

.

.

"Is that a garter I see?" Edward asked entirely amused.

"Are you looking up my dress?" I laughed, so much for an innocent foot rub.

"Can I have it?" I nodded, laughing. His expression remained unchanged, entirely serious over this garter business. A smirk rose on his lips as he hiked my right foot to balance on his shoulder.

"Hey, hey…" I warned. Wanting nothing more than to wrap my legs around his head. The fact that I didn't ever know what we were doing, bothered me. I needed consistency to keep that crazy girl at bay… Take me down from the ledge I can barely balance on.

"Oh it's still PG, …you're wearing underwear." He noted, with a soft chuckle. Edward wasted little time, enjoying the view while he admired my leg with a soft warm hand.

As he brushed the hem of my skirt back over my knee, his hand moved slower and he looked as though he might lose his resolve. A girl can wish…

"Panties have you mesmerized?" I taunted. It was the wrong thing to say obviously - Edward quickly reached in for the garter, stumbled dragging it over my foot; but succeeded in snagging it with very minimal contact.

"Umm, well… Let me show you around…" Edward exhaled, lowering my foot back onto the floor. We wandered around the lower level, he didn't say much. He was looking for my approval and I didn't quite know what to make of everything. It was nice, of course it was nice - everything needed to be updated and some things were beyond repair. It was just so different…

"I love it, I do… It's a lot of change." I admitted.

"Let me show you the upstairs. It's still a work in progress…" Edward insisted, pulling me up the stairs. Of course I wanted to see.

The first thing I noticed was that a door was missing, there used to be four…

"…And now there were three?" Wow, I was entirely intrigued. My immediate guess was that he expanded on Charlie's old bedroom.

"Yeah, I uh…" His tone was soft, thoughtful… Eventually he opened the bedroom door to let it speak for itself.

"Wow…" I think I've might have said wow more than once, or perhaps that was just the echo in my thoughts. This bedroom was insanity at its finest. Never before had I seen anything so….perfect.

"You like it?" Edward kept seeking my approval and on some level I felt guilty. I'd rocked our relationship so much so in the previous night, that he had come to question his every motive. Isn't that what I wanted? I wasn't even really irritated that he'd withheld information on Becky from me anymore. Alice was right, I didn't want to know.

We never were very good at finding middle ground. Everything was black or white, right or wrong, all or nothing.

The irony; the room was painted and dressed up in shades of gray with hints of pale blue. Dark rich wood furniture. Everything appeared so modern. Strong lines, softened by the delicate chandelier that hung from the vaulted ceiling above the bed.

Circling the room to get a better look of the painting on the wall beside the bed, I knew immediately Edward had painted it; by his personalized mark in the lower corner. The dark sands of La Push beach; navy waters and murky gray sky.

It was such a grown up bedroom that reflected Edward completely. An old soul, trapped in the body of a timid boy.

"Bella, you're so quiet… What are you thinking?" Edward wrapped his arms around me from behind. Staring at the ridiculousness, the lengths he went to; for me.

.

.

_He gives me so much more than I deserve._

_And he wonders why…_

_I would give up everything;_

_To be with him._

.

.

"Make love to me…" I pulled from Edward's arms to leave enough space to coax him into unzipping my dress.

"Bella…" Edward reached out to rest his hands on my shoulders, a gentle let down. It was easier to throw myself out there when I didn't have to look at him.

"Say please…"

"What?"

"I'm kidding… I don't want you to be angry or upset. It's a huge ego stroke..."

"I just wanted to make sure I heard you correctly. Please."

"Bella…"

"I'm fucking with you. I get it." I didn't quite understand it. He wanted to…but he wouldn't. It didn't make much sense, but I accepted that Edward wouldn't be with me in the ways I wanted him; tonight.

"Don't be mad…" His lips swept across my neck in a trail of slow heated kisses. When I folded into him, his arousal was apparent.

"Edward…" I pulled away and turned to face him, pressing a hand against his chest to create a distance between us, it was hysterical the way his hips seemed to gravitate toward me. He could tease, tantalize, taunt - like no other.

"Bella…" The way he breathed my name; I knew he wanted me, only me. A small triumph…

There was a stand-off. Need, want, desire… The hum of sexual energy filling the walls of the room.

_Will you, won't you, will you, won't you…_

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 18 - Tortured Prom**

**Boy Next Door -** Has been nominated in the** Twilight All Human Fanfiction Awards. **

In the category:** The fanfiction you couldn't stop reading.  
**

Link is in my profile.

Voting is open between August 30th & September 13th.

Thank you to those who nominated **BND**. I was pleasantly surprised (shocked), to see I had been nominated at all.

I am truly humbled; and I can't thank you enough for the gift of your time.

Muah! (Smooches)

Thanks for dropping by!


	19. Chapter 19 Tortured Love

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 19 - Tortured Love**

.

.

It's not a silly little moment

It's not the storm before the calm

This is the deep and dying breath of

This love that we've been working on

Can't seem to hold you like I want to

So I can feel you in my arms

Nobody's going to come and save you

We pulled too many false alarms

We're going down

And you can see it too

We're going down

And you know that we're doomed

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

I was the one you always dreamed of

You were the one I tried to draw

How dare you say it's nothing to me

Baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I'll make the most of all the sadness

You'll be a bitch because you can

You try to hit me just to hurt me

So you leave me feeling dirty

Because you can't understand

We're going down

And you can see it too

We're going down

And you know that we're doomed

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

Go cry about it, why don't you?

Go cry about it, why don't you?

Go cry about it, why don't you?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

Burning room

Burning room

Burning room

Don't you think we ought to know by now?

Don't you think we should have learned somehow?

Don't you think we ought to know by now?

Don't you think we should have learned somehow?

Don't you think we ought to know by now?

Don't you think we should have learned somehow?

Don't you think we should have learned somehow?

Don't you think we should have learned somehow?

Don't you think we should have learned somehow?

(John Mayer - Slow dancing in a burning room)

.

.

Edward coiled a hand at the back of my neck, his arm remained rigid. Holding that distance between us as his fingers kneaded into my tender skin, sending ripples of calming energy down my spine.

"I want you, always." The sincerity was there; in his words.

"Show me." I pleaded, my tone but a soft whisper. It was vividly embarrassing to have to ask. It was prom, everyone else was probably already naked. It shouldn't have to be this hard. Who knew it could be this hard? It was definitely hard... Most boys would have given in.

"Bella…" He exhaled, exhausted from my determination? He didn't sound as perplexed as he had moments ago. There was a part of him that was entirely willing and the other part that existed solely to torture me; self-control. I had little to none…

I raised a hand to tear away at the pull he had at the back of my neck, dismissing him quickly, quietly…

"I give you everything that I am…" I couldn't even quite put it into words.

"I'll tell you everything, I'll give you anything. Please; not tonight." His words held promise. A promise I didn't question - not even for a moment. It was apparent that Edward would find a way to lasso the moon, should I ask of it. But don't expect him to round third base.

"You're always stalling…I promise, I won't tell." I taunted, well aware that this was going nowhere.

"What's the rush?"

"There's nothing you could possibly say, to change my mind." I stated bluntly.

"Trust me, it wouldn't be fair to you." Edward insisted; mister know-it-all.

"No, you know what isn't fair. I spent the last decade of my life getting to know this Edward." I illustrated well with a finger pointed directly at his chest. "And now you want me to get acquainted with their Edward."

"I didn't know him. I will never really know or understand him. It's not who you are when you're with me."

"That's the frustrating part about not knowing. There's that pang of jealousy, because they knew a part of you I never will."

"Bella…" Edward mirrored a stance of someone trying to talk an irrational person down from a ledge.

"No bullshit titles, everything - here I am. You started it, but…" Edward stepped forward cutting me off as I tried to leave.

"I'll be your lover too." He blurted in a quick raspy breath.

"But…" There was always a _but_…

"I don't want you to go to Chicago with me." And that definitely wasn't the _but_ I was expecting…

.

.

_I used to think the past was dead and gone._

_But I was wrong._

_So wrong._

.

.

_Fucking-bastard!_

_Motherfucker!_

_Shit! Shit! Shit!_

_Fucking fuck!_

I'd repeated so many obscenities as I crossed the lawn; calling it a night. That my tongue had become tied with anger and frustration.

I pushed my way inside with a string of grumbles, kicking the door just for good measure when it wouldn't open on the first half turn of the knob.

"Bella!" Edward hissed at my back, and soon after I heard and felt the thud of his weight; as he scaled the porch steps with speed. I manage to fling the door open and burst inside before Edward could stop me.

The commotion at the door beckoned Charlie and Elizabeth. They finished moving from the living room to greet us, wearing a mix of confusion in their unwavering expressions.

"Can I have two minutes with Bella?" Edward asked softly.

"Tell Edward, he can go screw himself…Goodnight." I moved around them and headed upstairs to my room.

In the silence; after I was satisfied with completely discarding everything covering the dresser onto the floor.

I could faintly hear Edward, trying to explain himself. Before there were footsteps on the stairs that eventually labored toward my door.

"I'm fine." I lied, before they could knock or realize the door had been locked. I'm not a child. Just a few more months, I don't owe anyone anything. My body felt as if it were composed of shattered glass, anger the only glue I had to keeping it all together.

_Anger; the only thing keeping me from crashing to the floor and falling to pieces._

"Bella…" When he collided his forehead into the door, it felt empowering. But it didn't reach the extent of what I wanted to do to him. I wanted him to hurt, feel the anguish I felt.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me." I smirked at his admittance, but said nothing. What was there to say; Edward was going to leave me… It was only a matter of time.

.

.

_You'll learn to hate me_

_But still call me baby_

.

.

"Alice, what do I do? It's so fucking unbelievable…" I'd been crying on the phone for the past twenty minutes to Alice and Rosalie on speaker phone from inside the bathroom while angst-y break-up music blared through the door from my bedroom. Ruining their night…

"Show him what he's going to be missing girl, complete one-eighty. Ignore his bitch ass, make him man up." Rosalie sounded so, I don't know... But, she was right.

"Man up…" I couldn't help but laugh. Laugh until the tears started to fall again.

"Bring him to his knees!" Alice contributed, her speech slurred. They were already half in the bag.

"Thanks, I feel better. I'll catch up with you tomorrow." I lied, hanging up the phone. To fight my way out of the dress of fucking doom. Before I could catch my breath, there was a stern knocking at my bedroom door. I stumbled from the bathroom to turn the volume down on the radio.

"What!" I seethed.

"Bella!" Charlie's voice echoed angry.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Elizabeth offered in a sugary sweet tone.

"Please, just leave me alone…" I was nearly in tears again, stripped down to my underwear, panting like a mad-woman - amidst the rubble of the tornado I'd unleashed upon my room.

"I know you're upset…" Charlie retorted, it was laughable really.

"You got what you wanted. Edward's leaving." I accused.

"You have every right to feel the way you do." Elizabeth chided. I couldn't help but shake my head as I listened to the pair mumble from behind the door. Arguing with each other over their approach.

"If you need anything, we'll be down the hall baby-girl." Charlie knocked softly on my door one last time before they cleared away from the door.

.

.

_Like a broken mirror._

_It was better to leave it broken._

_Than to keep hurting ones-self trying to fix it._

_It could never be flawless again._

.

.

I turned the monitor on. Edward was sitting at the foot of his bed, jacket discarded, tie loosened; with his hands haphazardly scrawling through his hair.

A few minutes had passed, minutes that felt like forever. Watching his guilt boil over the surface… It made me cold, bitter. He hurt me, so deep; and that's all he could offer…

When he caught on that I was watching, he quickly moved to the desk. Staring, speechless. The longer I looked at him, the sicker I felt. So fucking angry… I grabbed my purse off the bed and in a shade of plum perfect I wrote on the back of a manila envelope from one of my college applications…

_It ends when I end it._

The words were so empowering. The girls were right - complete one-eighty starts now. Shakily I held up the envelope. Wanting to hurt him. Beat my fists into him until my tears would run dry…

And then I did it. I cut off Edward; pulling the plug on the monitor. Edward's image warped and the monitor made a crackling sound before the screen went black.

Out of sight, out of mind - didn't apply. But I was riding on an endorphin high. It felt really good to hear Edward thrashing below. To know that even when I felt the most vulnerable and weak; I wasn't powerless.

_I was never powerless._

.

.

_I needed to reel myself in._

_Take back the control I'd given him._

_Willingly, with blind-trust._

.

.

What sucked the most about cutting Edward off, was that it had to be for good. It wasn't like before where I could still peek out of my blinds discreetly and know what he was doing. When his room fell silent below mine - my mind raced with a million thoughts.

I'd finally rationalized with my father's thoughts. Edward has a lot of problems and not one of them is my doing.

Intentionally, I didn't think Edward was trying to play me so to speak. Though his confusion made no sense to me. I was starting to have faith in Joanne's diagnosis; maybe Edward really was bi-polar.

Edward needed help, more than I could give. _Or… _Maybe he decided; he just didn't want me around anymore…

_I needed Edward, more than he needed me._

I wanted to hate him. I felt the words on the tip of my tongue. I could spew them with the most vile venom; but I couldn't mean it - as much as I wanted to. Still; I found the words echoed nicely off my bedroom walls.

"Bella!" Charlie scolded from down the hall. How could anyone sleep with a scorned woman pacing the floor?

I sulked the next few hours away. Having no clue what this all meant. Why did he buy me that dress? The house? Why didn't he just break-up with me in the street the night before? He was going to leave anyway…

He had this all planned out… and where did I fit in these plans? Did I even really exist in them. Maybe it was all just a parting gift. Prom; the final hurrah…

I couldn't sleep; tortured… Everything was so fucked up. Fairy tale endings are just that; a fucking fairy tale. It was naïve and childish to believe otherwise. _Love was miserable_.

I hadn't expected to see Edward slumped over the dining room table at around five in the morning; when I decided on a remedy of chocolate to treat my grief. I froze; calculating.

Eventually; I snatched a bottle of water and the half eaten bag of Oreo cookies from the counter. My plan didn't come into fruition until I'd rounded the island. He was sleeping… So peaceful and fucking calm. There was a moment of pause, rational thought.

Knowing what I was about to do was wrong on so many levels; proving I was sane, yet I pushed myself. Telling myself; it was what he deserved and so much more… _Do it, he deserves it. How the hell can he sleep!_

And so I did, well… tried anyway.

"What the…hell…" Edward grabbed the bottle of water in my hand, before it made contact with his head. So I let him have it, giving up the grip I had on the bottle. It threw him off balance and left him stumbling out of the chair after me, as I proceeded to make a hasty exit.

"Do I mean nothing to you?" Edward seethed as he chased me up the steps, thus far, I was proving to be quicker.

"I wish." My tone bordered on a growl laced with mechanical laughter.

"I love you." Edward insisted. My timing was impeccable. At least I managed to slam the door in his face.

"Fuck!" Oh, yeah… I got him good! If I wasn't concerned with how I may have hurt him, I would have done a little dance. Guilt is a terrible emotion, I'm giving up that one come lent.

I imagined his nose might be bloodied and immediately I felt a little queasy and weak in the knees. Still; it wasn't enough to move me into unlocking the door.

"Bella…" Edward groaned from behind the door. I held my breath and ignored it… He'll be fine… Mhm.

"I'm not leaving until you open the door." Haha!

"I've heard that one before." I taunted.

"Yeah. This time I mean it." Edward threatened, followed by a thud. Proving he were camping outside my door. Knowing he were seated behind it, I kicked the back of the door to jostle him.

"Bella.." Edward tried to reason.

"I've got a bathroom and enough Oreos to ration for at least two days. It's useless Edward. There's not one good reason for me to open the door." I remarked, hopefully willing him to leave.

"Remember who gave you that bathroom..." Edward remarked.

"Screw off." I hissed.

But he meant it, this time…

.

.

_It is when you are capable of anything; _

_That you are capable of everything._

_I'd flown over the edge._

.

.

So much for rationing; I'd eaten nearly all of the Oreos before the sun fully rose. I was dosing in and out, seated against the wall of the closet near the door - when I heard our parents rustling in the hall at the start of their day.

I expected them to shoo him off, but I heard nothing of the sort. I listened as Elizabeth made breakfast and a futile attempt at calling us down to eat.

Charlie left for work, leaving us home with Elizabeth. The sound of the news floating up from the television in the den below was enough to coax me to sleep.

I awoke to…tapping from the other side of the door.

"Bella, you… You can't leave me." I said nothing. He was right, I couldn't. Which is why he was leaving me…

"You're the cure to my insanity. My heart, my soul, my fucking everything. I was only thinking of you." His tone remained weary, yet spoken in a lucid state. It felt like a dream.

"No, what happened Edward…" I started off strong and then I could feel myself losing it. His perception was so off, and I was having trouble finding the words to explain his erratic behavior. He was just so…ridiculous.

"I'm listening." He calmly noted, at my pause.

"You don't need me. What happened back there…" He kept to his word, silent. "Was the equivalent of me saying; Oh, by the way… I'm a lesbian."

"Are you?"

"What?" _What the hell?_

"Never-mind, sorry. Continue?"

"So you can keep making fun?"

"It shouldn't have to be this hard Bella. I love you, you love me. We've got that part right."

"So, I thought. And you're probably right… You should go to Chicago alone." I lied, through my teeth and nearly clenched jaw. I heard him release a heavy sigh, but he wasn't quick to deny anything.

After a few minutes of silence.

"Can I please come in."

"No." I said it. Did I mean it? No… Why couldn't everything just be fucking perfect, or normal; whatever the hell that is. It wasn't hard to love Edward, why did he have to make it so… _What the hell was he thinking!_

I couldn't even make sense of it all. Prom was nothing like I expected, yet so much more. He bought my old house, and why? To run off to Chicago, without me. The fact he refused to get intimate with me before I knew; spoke of immense guilt.

With every hour that passed, I moved closer to the door. Close enough to where I could feel my heart nearly beating into my throat. My life was on the other side of that door. I wanted him to wrap me in his arms and tell me, no - promise me; that everything was going to be okay.

No consolation in the thick smog of silence; he could say anything and yet he says nothing.

_Say something_…

This one-eighty deal was backfiring on me. Edward was pulling a stunt all his own.

Through-out the day I'd use the bathroom, refill my glass of water… And each time I'd return, I'd convince myself he wasn't outside the door anymore. Only to press my ear against the floor and be proven wrong.

"Don't you ever have to go to the bathroom?" I remarked.

"No. Why, are you waiting for me to leave?" He asked, his words dull.

"What are you waiting for?" I spoke, hesitantly.

"This moment." And it sounded like he were speaking in tongues; this moment sucked ass.

"I'll be right here…" Edward insisted after a long pause of silence_. If I wanted to talk? _I tested this theory, and sure enough he was back to giving me the silent treatment.

The night was long, dozing in and out - bored, yet afraid to move. Unless it was to press my ear to the floor - making sure he was still there.

He was always there…

.

.

_You can't be lonely;_

_If you like the person you're alone with._

.

.

Charlie tried to stir Edward to move and when he refused, I think he went for back-up. It wasn't until I heard Elizabeth remind Edward of graduation that I realized I would not only have to see him today… I would be sitting behind him the entire damn ceremony.

Fucking today was graduation.

_Fuck my life!_

The stand still obviously had to come to an end, I couldn't sustain life in my room forever. However, I could manage at least another day, maybe two more if I were stubborn enough. I only had to out-wait Edward, I was certain I could do that. He'd have to leave my door eventually…

Apparently, we both had to.

"I don't know what is going on, but whatever it is - I don't like it." Elizabeth commented on the ride in. She was stuck in the back seat with Edward; because I refused to sit next to him.

"What's not to like, the house is quiet, they're in separate rooms. Edward will be leaving tomorrow." Elizabeth released an exasperated sigh at Charlie's reminder. I had completely forgotten about Edward supposedly leaving tomorrow. And maybe now, he really would leave for good…

The ceremony is boring, just like rehearsal - except this time there's clapping. Lots of fucking clapping. If they cut out all of the clapping this damn event would only take an hour tops. Now we're nearing the end of hour two and I'm still waiting to receive my damn diploma. Charlie and Elizabeth are just two more beaming faces in the crowd, they all look the same; proud.

"Bella.." Jessica Stanley jabs an elbow into my side as she huffs my name.

"What!" I growl. Edward shifts in his chair to face me, along with a few others…

"You're up…" Jessica reiterates. "_Isabella Swan_" And then I hear my name being announced _again_… Fuck, I scramble from my chair to strut across the stage. One step closer to getting the hell out of Forks.

Charlie actually stands on his chair and shouts… "That's my baby-girl!" And nobody is going to tell him any different. A few of my peers laugh, but the moment isn't wasted on me. Seeing me to this moment was a big accomplishment for Charlie, as a single parent. I know I haven't always been easy on him either. So… I offer a wry smile and wave to my dad. Then shake my principals hand, so I can exit the damn stage.

After the ceremony we stick around for a short period snapping photos with our friends and eventually Elizabeth insists on a group shot to frame. Still; I managed not to stand next to Edward in a single photo. I know I'll probably come to regret that, but I can't fake how I'm feeling right now. Like a confused and terrified cat; I just want to crawl under the bed where it's dark…quiet…and safe.

Alice gives me a breath stealing hug with direct instructions to call her later. I gasp for air and immediately she assumes that I've agreed.

.

.

_Something worth having;_

_Is something worth waiting for._

.

.

It was brought to my attention again, that Edward would be leaving in the morning. This time it was Charlie, reminding me that I'd be attending his going away dinner.

"One night, one hour." Charlie insisted, before turning around and stepping over Edward - who was back to guarding my door.

I could tell by Edwards expression that he were gnawing away at the insides of his cheeks to refrain from flashing that all too familiar smirk… I knew Charlie wasn't one of Edward's cheerleaders, he was appeasing Elizabeth; …and Edward was just eating it up.

I said not one word, before closing the door.

Anticipation grew in wait for dinner. Edward kept his word, refusing to leave. Still; he said nothing. I'd made it through the graduation ceremony, I could make it through dinner. The final hour…

Dinner was very much the same, quiet and awkward.

"What if it's you?" Edward bore daggers from across the table.

"You're blaming me?" Immediately, I felt compelled to take a defensive stance. Unbelievable!

"Knowing, that I'll never love anyone as much as I love you."

"I didn't plan any of this." I blurted, angry.

"Neither did I, but here we are." Edward threw out his hands so nonchalantly.

"We're still here too." Charlie waved from the far end of the table. I pursed my lips together to refrain from laughing, more so - laughing until I'd cry.

"Bella, please…" Edwards gaze softened, pleading.

"You lie, because you don't want to hurt me... Stop lying to me." I rose from the table, bitter with tears brewing.

"I'll never lie to you, ask me anything." Edward followed suit, rising from the table to meet my gaze.

"I remember once, you said next door was too far away. Where did he go?" I spoke out of wonder.

"How about those Wizards?" Charlie proceeded to remind us again, he was there. Elizabeth urged him from the table before he could finish his fork-full. He left; begrudgingly.

"He's right here." Edward reached out to take my hand, immediately I cradled it against my chest before he could latch onto it.

"No." I fought.

"Please…" He was damn near begging with the gestures his hands made.

"Fine, walk with me?" He asked, at my refusal to give him my hand. Slowly he motioned toward the door, waiting to be sure I'd follow. Reluctantly, I nodded. When Edward stepped out in his socks, I followed, barefoot. Slowly we wandered down the sidewalk.

"Talk." I insisted, making sure this wasn't all for nothing.

"I'm going to Chicago tomorrow morning to enroll for classes, but then I'm coming back as planned."

"In case I change my mind about that fabulous summer?" I quipped, snarky. Wandering a pace behind him.

"Bella, I've spent all my life with instructions to color inside the lines, but think outside the box. I think I've mastered coloring inside the lines, and sometimes I think way too far outside of the box. I had to tell you, because I knew it was going to disappoint you. All you keep saying is what an honor it is…" I listened to Edward, but didn't quite get it.

"It is." I stood firm on that stance. "But what about me?"

"Exactly. For me, just receiving that scholarship is an honor. I don't need it, let someone who wants and needs it have it. You're all I want."

"I wanted to go with you." I blurted.

"Is that really what you want? Don't you want something more for yourself?" He asked and honestly, I hadn't thought that far ahead. I couldn't see past being with him; that was my only priority.

"I wanted to do something foolish, something crazy, just get away… And I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather do it with." I confessed.

.

.

_I would have waited here forever._

_If I'd known, that you'd be here._

.

.

"I should have told you sooner, the timing was all my fault. I kept thinking how special prom could be. And then I was lucky after all that shit; you didn't change your mind about going with me… I don't know what I expected. I bought your house, doesn't that count for something?" He laughed upon hearing his own words.

"Why did you buy the house?" Deep down; I knew it meant more to him than a summer. You don't restore a house for a summer.

"I knew you weren't ready to let it go and I'm not ready for a new neighbor." Edward nodded softly.

"So; you're not going to school in Chicago?" I asked, trying to make sense of it all.

"No. Let's start over." Edward made a point to move to the other side of the sidewalk…

"You must be the new neighbor, allow me to introduce myself - Edward Masen." He stuck out his hand…

"I'm not shaking your hand." I smiled. He was trying to be cute… He was cute.

"You have to admit, that second impression was much better than my first. Anyway, it wouldn't work between us - I'm still sort-a, kind-a; in love with my old neighbor." Edward rattled off cool, but his body language was a dead give-away. He was scared shitless; _like-wise_.

"The first was better." I admitted, all fucking teary eyed. God, I loved Edward. He could fix things as fast as he could break them.

"Yeah, much better." Edward lowered his head…

"I can't quit you." I uttered complete truth. _I say I need you and leave you no choice. _

"I don't ever want to quit you. Ever-fucking-never." His choice in words had me laughing and wiping tears away.

"Ever-fucking-never, huh?" I repeated.

"Yeah." Edward smiled. "Ever-fucking-never…"

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 19 - Tortured Love**

Thanks for dropping by!

**Boy Next Door -** Has been nominated in the** Twilight All Human Fanfiction Awards. **

In the category:** The fanfiction you couldn't stop reading.**

www (dot) twilightallhumanawards (dot) webs (dot) com

Link is in my profile.

Voting is open between August 30th & September 13th.

I've been catching up with some of the nominated stories and I'm glad we can vote more than once.

This voting is tough business!


	20. Chapter 20 Tortured Heart

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 20 - Tortured Heart**

.

.

When I was younger

I saw, my daddy cry

And curse at the wind

He broke his own heart

And I watched

As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that

She would never let herself forget

And that was the day that I promised

I'd never sing of love

If it does not exist

But darling,

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere

Deep in my soul

That love never lasts

And we've got to find other ways

To make it alone

Keep a straight face

And I've always lived, like this

Keeping a comfortable, distance

And up until now

I had sworn to myself that I'm

Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality

But I can't

Let go of what's in front of me here

I know you're leaving

In the morning, when you wake up

Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing

Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

(Paramore - The Only Exception)

.

.

Charlie wasn't too pleased to see that we'd made up. Edward was busy packing and I decided to call Alice.

I wasn't surprised to hear she wasn't home. It was graduation night, there had to be a party somewhere. I wasn't even sure what plans my friends made; for college or whatever. I never asked, never cared enough. Even now, I wasn't sure if I really cared - if they really mattered. I was back to leaning solid on Edward, putting all of my eggs in the same basket that had been tossed aside and trampled on before. _Silly girl... In love with a boy._

"Two minutes." Charlie chanted as I rounded the staircase.

"It doesn't count if I stand in the hall?" I asked, mocking.

"Go Bella…" Elizabeth waved me onward; toward Edward's door. Shaking her head at my father's antics.

"As long as you wait outside." Charlie accepted my proposal. I was a little confused on what type of access I'd been granted. Go or wait? It didn't matter much, Edward would be gone in the morning…

I slowly pushed Edward's door open and as I leaned against the door frame, I felt the nervous tension that buzzed about the room. Watching Edward; I couldn't help but wonder if we were truly okay…

"I'm almost done packing." Edward raised his eyes, meeting mine with a smile.

"Do you really have to go?" A day without Edward - was going to be torture. I knew I wouldn't be very stable; knowing what it was like to be left with my thoughts alone for long periods. My anxiety would take the wheel and drive.

"Yeah, pretty sure Charlie is going to make sure I board the plane." He laughed softly. He had it all figured out and it bothered me to some extent. I watched as he zipped up his suitcase and began tossing things in the backpack he planned to carry on - and I couldn't contain it any longer.

"You wouldn't be enrolling to have a back up plan, would you? Because… I don't have a back up plan." I admitted, hastily. "And it would be really shitty if you did..." I was blunt. Perhaps shitty wasn't the right word. Having a back up plan would be smart, just I don't have one; fuck…

"You don't trust me?" Edward scoffed. Two steps forward; to take several steps back. The disappointment weighed heavy in his features. His distaste clearly visible in the way his lips curled.

"I do, it just doesn't make much sense to enroll to…" And I'd stared at his mouth too long; forgetting my argument completely. I ached to smother his angry lips with my own - and plead with gentle sensual nips; until he'd kiss me back. _Love me_…

"They'll keep sending letters and start calling the house, if I don't. Besides, I kind-of want to get a copy of my schedule; you know - to frame it." Edward cut me off with a perfectly acceptable explanation.

"Frame it?" He definitely had me smiling. I wasn't sure if he were fucking with me or not.

"You got a problem with that?" Edward tried to play it so macho and suave. But by now I could tell a part of him really wanted it.

"Not at all. Are you going to display it on the mantle above the fireplace?" I kept it cool, casual. Trying not to focus on his mouth.

"Nah…" Edward laughed. Sexiest mouth ever!… What the hell is wrong with me? _Is this normal?_

"Well if it's good enough to frame, it should be displayed somewhere." I stuttered as I drummed my fingers against the trim just inside the open door; trying to distract myself.

"Mmm…How about the bathroom, a lot of ideas are born there..." Clearly, I knew he was teasing. He was wearing that self-satisfied smirk… But it was more than that…

"You were listening to my private conversations?" I accused.

"It echoes… The tile makes it echo… And I just happened to be leaning outside the bathroom wall…" Edward shrugged…

"You couldn't help yourself….mhm.." I scolded-teased, careless. It didn't really matter now anyway, but it actually made me feel better to some extent. Clearly it explained his reaction to my failed one-eighty; or rather why it failed.

"I despise that you would ignore me." Edward spoke, his tone firm and entirely justified. Zipping up his backpack, he quickly chucked it over onto the bed.

It was hard to ignore Edward. I wondered if he suffered the same; when he decided to give me that little taste of my own medicine.

I refused to apologize until he apologized for eavesdropping; stubborn - just like my father. My eyes traced his every movement as he crossed the floor to meet me at the door. Inches; the entrance our only invisible divider. _Don't look at his mouth_…

"Are you going to call two minutes, or shall I?" His expression softened as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. I twisted my fingers into the hem of his shirt, closing my eyes as I inhaled… Hearing Edward sigh, made me giggle.

"Hm…?" Edward hummed, amused. It felt good to know he took comfort in the little things I did. I could sit in silence just inhaling his scent for hours… Just knowing he was there; was enough.

"It's nothing…" I shook my head as I slipped my hands under the hem of Edward's shirt and traced smooth lines with my palms over the bareness of his back.

He kissed me softly, and again… and again. Pecks and the faintest of open mouthed kisses; torture.

"Goodnight." Charlie called out from behind me, loudly. Startled, I jumped…

And ended up head butting Edward; nice…

Actually it hurt like hell.

.

.

Castles they might crumble.  
Dreams may not come true.  
But you are never all alone.  
Because I will always;  
Always, love you.

.

.

I spent the night considering everything. Then realized I was being too damn thorough and driving myself mad. I drifted off somewhere in the night reciting the mantra Edward spoke just outside my door.

Waiting for

_This moment_…

If I could live for this moment, it wouldn't go wasted.

That's why even in a crowded airport with our parents watching closely, I didn't hesitate to kiss Edward as if it might be our last. For it very well could be. He was more than surprised; he was apprehensive. Still; I lingered in the moment. It was nothing short of memorable; even if a little awkward.

Charlie slung Edward his backpack, a little on the rough side; point taken. Elizabeth hugged Edward one last time with tears in her eyes. She'd been crying on and off all morning.

"I'll call when I land." Edward promised, no-one in particular. Suppose it didn't matter, we all lived together. Yet this was the fucking insanity that rattled my brain. Pick, pick, pick; away at everything.

It was hard watching Edward check in - and head down the long corridor to board his plane, without me. Even knowing he'd be back by tomorrow, God willing. Didn't ease the intense ache as furious knots of worry tightened in my stomach.

"I'm going to go get the car." Charlie walked past Elizabeth and I; who wouldn't let this moment go wasted. We stopped and stared; until we could no longer see Edward. I felt immensely ill as his frame drifted out of sight. It was so hard to see him drift off into nothing...

At home, after eating a little lunch - my stomach continued to rumble angrily. But surprisingly felt more settled. I waited; knowing - hoping that first phone call would ease some of my fears.

An hour later; Edward called from campus. Except Elizabeth hung up… I cursed her in my head for the next few hours. _Why oh why, would she think I didn't want to talk to Edward?_

"I'm sure he'll call again tonight after he gets settled…" She mused aloud at dinner. I wasn't sure if it was for her benefit or mine. Intentionally, I'd given her the cold shoulder since her _mistake _earlier.

"Have you decided where you're going to college Bella?" My dad asked casually, fearless. I hadn't applied anywhere and the only acceptances rolling in were for community college.

Charlie didn't really think I'd stick around here, did he?

"Not yet…" I hummed quietly.

"Bella, speak up when you talk to your father." Elizabeth spoke in that mocking parental tone that made my blood boil. My neck muscles tightened and there was a second where I thought my head might spin like a top. I focused on my breathing… While trying to ignore the injuries one could sustain by fork alone. _Is it even possible to fork someone to death?_

"Is this how it's going to be with Edward gone?" I tipped my head in her direction, refusing to look at her… Hide the glare of death riding in my eyes. She flip flopped from Susie Homemaker to raging bitch all afternoon - it was past tiresome, down right annoying; and now I just wanted her to shut her fucking face.

.

.

_When you're gone._

_So are the words I need to hear…_

_To get me through._

.

.

"Bella…" Charlie scolded, offering me an expression that I should be more apologetic; comforting to what Elizabeth was going through… Which was ridiculous considering he went to work and didn't get to spend the day with her like I did.

While I didn't know if her not letting me talk to Edward earlier was truly a simple mistake, I had a hard time believing it. My only comfort was knowing Edward was coming back for me; and me only.

It begged me to question if Edward were truly gone; if she'd intentionally hoard him from me like this? Was it all a lie?

"I guess I'm just confused. One minute she's trying to be my friend and the next…" I grit my teeth to refrain from calling it like I saw it. She was acting like a cunt. "Did you really think just because Edward is gone; I'd forget about him?" Their expressions were guilty…so fucking guilty. The silence was maddening…

I rose from my chair so swiftly; it crashed into the wall - purely accidental. But, Charlie abruptly rose from his chair the second it fell to the floor. Ready to referee… I could see it in his eyes. He had no compassion for Edward; of course he couldn't possibly _get _what I was going through.

I chose to leave the room quietly before giving Charlie the satisfaction of ordering me to do so.

"Bella…" Charlie called up the stairs, his last plea - before I slammed my bedroom door closed.

"I only want what's best for you." He stuttered through the door.

"What's best for you… Listen to yourself! Edward has a scholarship, money; I don't understand why you have this blind hatred for him…" I cursed from the other side of the door.

"I don't hate Edward." Charlie tried to rationalize from the other side of the door, but I knew he was lying. It was hard to argue with complete honesty when Elizabeth was right below us. Living in her house…

"Then what!" I called him on his bullshit.

"I won't have you talking to me like that. We'll talk later once you've calmed yourself." I scoffed at his words.

"You are such a hypocrite." I countered.

"Excuse me?" I'd pushed his buttons. Made him angry… I promised myself I wouldn't do that, for his sake.

"Bella…" He turned the knob and swiftly pushed his way inside my room, offering a final glare to the door knob before searching me out. The door being unlocked definitely caught him off guard.

"If you were thinking of me, we wouldn't be here right now." I noted.

"Bella, I'm an adult." Charlie was quick to remind me where I stood.

"What if things don't work out with Elizabeth? You sold our house. It's not like we can just pack up and go home. Did you ever consider that?" I tried to keep my tone level.

"Yes, a thousand times over. It was time to let go… And Elizabeth would never throw you out like that, even though you test her patience as much as mine. She'd give me time to settle somewhere first."

"You hope…" It was hard not to roll my eyes at him… I might have, just a little.

"Don't we all." Charlie scoffed.

.

.

It's better to have an impossible dream;

Than no dream at all.

.

.

"Tell me you weren't scared when the house sold so soon. You and I both know, you didn't price it to sell."

"It's too late for that now." Charlie admitted in a growling whisper. I sunk, sitting on the corner of my bed.

"You don't ever defend me anymore. Least, not to her." I sunk my teeth into my lower lip for some reprieve. I could feel myself crashing, the shift from anger to just downright miserable. I did it to myself, I could be stronger than this. My mood settles on throwing myself a pity party and sometimes I think if I didn't, nobody ever would.

"You want to be an adult; there's an appropriate way of going about things Bella. I won't tolerate you disrespecting any adult." His tone grew weary… Unable to perform his parental duties of scolding me properly when I'd shown him my sad brown eyes. Puppy eyes; he used to call them.

"Maybe if you treated me like an adult, or even just pretended to value my opinion before shutting me down completely every single time… I feel like I don't matter."

"That's absurd." Charlie corrected me.

"You care too much about the little stuff and not enough about the stuff that's important to me. You think Edward is this horrible person, but he's not. We've had this conversation before…" I reminded him, but he never really did listen.

"I never said Edward was horrible. He's just gotten himself lost a few times… I'm your father, I'll always try to push you in the right direction."

"What do you mean by lost?" I wanted a blunt answer.

"Smoking, drugs, drinking, drugs, sex, drugs, fighting, _drugs_... I've had to pick him up a few times and so have others in my department… And I know you're going to rattle off all these good qualities; but as a parent it's my job to focus on the negatives that you'd rather turn a blind eye to."

"Right now, Elizabeth needs our support. Edward's far from home, we don't have any other outlets in Chicago to reach him or really know what he's doing… She's worried he may relapse."

"Edward wouldn't." I insisted. His list of demeaning qualities he rattled off were laughable really. We all make mistakes; fall from grace a time or two. But now; Edward's different. _He won't even have sex with me_… Despite what it looked like; that night… Seeing is believing; but the eyes can be deceiving…

"Obviously you don't know him that well then, because she found his stash when she put some of his laundry away this afternoon. It's been eating her up." He was surprisingly calm… It was a little eerie.

"What a little pot? What constitutes as a stash?" I tried hard to keep a serious face. Of course any drug use would disappoint Charlie, but I refused to believe it was what he was trying to make it out to be. Edward wasn't a drug dealer or anything…I _know_ him.

"There were opiates." Charlie exhaled in an exhausted tone.

"Opiates? What kind of opiates?" Not my Edward. No, I didn't believe it.

"Opiates." Charlie repeated.

"Heroin? He doesn't have any track marks…" I tried to rationalize what it could be, there had to be some reasonable explanation. Hell, maybe it was just old and forgotten.

"Don't let his issues become your own." Charlie tried a bit of rationalizing of his own.

"I'm not just going to leave him because he may have a problem. For all we know, it could be old - from before…" I noted. On edge because I'd need to wait on Edward to confirm.

"Have you ever seen him use?" Charlie asked, too curious. I knew he was going to run to Elizabeth with everything I'd tell him. It was apparent with whom his loyalties lay.

"No." I admitted, _lied_… It left me with doubts, going over every single moment in my head. Was he, wasn't he? Still using? I knew he smoked a little pot on the rare occasion.

.

.

Don't let me go.

_Try it one more time…_

.

.

Charlie left me with a lecture; that maybe it was time I see life beyond Edward. Test the waters; that now was a good time to experiment and explore other options. I couldn't agree more. I'd play along; knowing I'd need excuses to get out to see Edward anyway.

The rest of the night, I sat on edge; waiting for the phone to ring. When ten o'clock rolled around, I began to wonder if he would; call back.

When the phone finally rang, I think my heart stopped beating. I listened quietly as Elizabeth spoke with enthusiasm and excitement from the den below. Wondering if perhaps this time; I'd get a chance to speak to him.

It felt like an hour had passed, those minutes crawled by so slowly as I waited in anticipation.

I turned to glance out the window, wondering if he was coming home… And there he was; staring back at me with his hair disheveled from running across the country; there and back in but a day.

I cracked my window and leaned outside; the cool summer breeze lapped at my skin and hair… I could faintly hear Edward's end of the conversation now. Explaining to Elizabeth that he managed to find an apartment away from the bright city lights, off campus. Reassuring her; that he'd make it and be okay.

Then he asked to speak to me. There was a brief silence before he bid his mother good night and moved to hang up the phone. I waited for him at the window, but in a swift bold movement he swung himself out to balance on the window ledge. It became increasingly obvious that Edward had made this maneuver at least a hundred times over.

I raised my hands, pleading with him not to come over. My heart couldn't watch him make that climb again.

He lowered himself to straddle the window opening. Safer…but still making me incredibly anxious.

"Come over." He waved an arm, beckoning me in his direction. I sure as hell wasn't about to make the climb. I held up a finger, tore myself away from the window - before bouncing around a bit as I tried to think of a plausible excuse to get out; just before eleven. It was late…

.

.

Don't let me fall.

_I need you in my life._

.

.

"Uh…Dad?" My timing was awful, I'd managed to catch them both on the stairs as they headed up for bed.

"Bella." Charlie gasped. Elizabeth bid me goodnight before going to her room and closing the door softly behind her. I held Charlie at a standstill at the top of the steps; as he waited…and waited, to hear what I had to say… While I tried to read him and come up with a plausible excuse.

"Can this wait until morning?" He asked, appearing exhausted.

"I'm sorry. I know it's late… And I shouldn't be asking, but after our talk earlier…" I rambled.

"Get to the point, what do you want Bella?" Charlie interrupted, reading me well.

"Can I catch the midnight matinee with Alice?" I asked, curtly.

"When?" His response made me feel like this was going to be a no-go.

"Tonight?" I asked, sheepishly.

"On a Monday night?" Charlie was already finding holes in my story…

"It's summer." I insisted with a shrug.

"If her parents will let you stay the night, I suppose you can go…" Catching him when he was exhausted proved to be beneficial, he didn't have the energy to argue.

"Thanks Dad!" I hugged him.

"I suppose that means you want money too?" He laughed softly, reaching back for his wallet.

"Be quiet when you go and make sure you lock up." He slipped me a twenty - his smallest bill and kissed my cheek; before heading down the hall toward his room.

I rushed back to my room, held up two fingers in motion for Edward to wait. Grabbed a small duffel bag and began to haphazardly pack it for an overnight; not really caring if I had all the necessities. Hell, I was only going next door.

.

.

_When there is a filament of anger in our love;_

_Emotional ups and downs sweep over me._

_I don't want to be angry anymore._

.

.

With my bag slung over my shoulder, I did exactly as Charlie instructed. Closed up quietly; locking the front door behind me.

I was so anxious to see Edward; my stomach was full of butterflies. I reached up to knock; just as Edward opened the door to let me inside.

"Good evening." He smiled; smooth...

"Promises, promises…" I teased, pushing my way inside I dropped my bag off at the door.

"Did Charlie give you hell over the kiss at the airport?" He asked as he closed the door; locking it.

"Sort-of." I winced, not really wanting to talk about it.

"Sort-of?" Edward repeated, pressing for answers.

"They think if we don't speak, that whatever this is will just fade. We'll both move on, lead separate lives, appease them." I noted, bitterly amused.

"How's that working out?" He laughed softly.

"Just fine…I'm catching the midnight matinee with Alice; and we're having a sleep-over." His laughter was infectious, I couldn't help but smile. It was hard to believe that the bubbly charismatic person standing before me had a drug stash containing opiates.

"On that note. It's been a long day, mind if we go to bed?" Edward asked; he seemed nervous.

"It's late." I nodded in agreement. I reached for my bag, but Edward swooped it up first.

"I'm just going to shut a few lights off, I'll meet you upstairs." He insisted I go ahead and truthfully that made me incredibly nervous… Is that how he got away with doing the drugs? Right under my nose while I was easily distracted with the minor details?

"I can wait." I insisted with a shrug; as if it were no big deal.

"It's silly for you to wait…You can go on ahead." He persisted.

"It is silly; you could have had all the lights down here turned off by now." I noted with a smirk. He shook his head at me, but obliged my patience. Two minutes later and we were heading up the stairs together… Everything Charlie said kept eating away at me. I was checking his arms; looking for the tell-tale signs of drug use. Every ounce of trust I held was slowly seeping away with doubts.

"Is something wrong?" Edward caught me staring and in turn started looking over himself… I sat on the edge of the bed and kicked off my sneakers.

"Your mom found your stash in a drawer in your room." I admitted in a deep exhale…

"I see…" His head bobbed like a bobble-head. Still he said nothing more to detest what I'd spoken.

"At first I'd convinced myself it must be old… And then I wondered if maybe that was why your mom was so cold to me; because it was found in one of my drawers. So then it couldn't be that old? Maybe she thinks it's mine?" I rattled off… About; what I really didn't know. Edward had all the answers.

"She knows it's mine. I always keep my stash in mint cans." He owned up to it…

"Heroin?" I asked, confusion marking my features. He didn't have any of the tell-tale signs from what I could tell.

"A long time ago…" Edward ran a hand through his hair; appearing perplexed. I scooted back toward the pillows on the bed, lowering the comforter; I crawled under. Still dressed in my pajamas from the night before. I used the soft down blanket as a shield from anything Edward might say… Hide the disgust from creeping on my features. I wanted to be supportive, I did.

.

.

He doesn't need opium.

_He has the gift of reverie._

.

.

"There was a little pot and some opium in there…" Edward growled upon hearing himself speak, it was obvious the conversation had left him tense and unsteady. I didn't quite know what to say… I lacked the experience Edward had when it came to dabbling in illegal drugs.

"You must think I'm such a fucking hypocrite…You hate me now!" Edward hissed, presumably because I just couldn't look at him.

"Never. If you need help; I'm here. It's just hard to watch you beat yourself up… I don't want to say the wrong thing. I want to be supportive. I'll try to be supportive." I insisted, vaguely peering from behind the comforter.

"I tried to tell you." Edward noted, regrettably. Dropping my bag beside his on the floor of the bedroom; his were still sealed with the airport security tags.

"I know. Your mom is worried, she's convinced that now you're in a big city with no monitoring and drugs more readily available; you'll relapse." I gave him insight; to what's been going on in the house since the stash was found.

"I haven't, it was stupid to hold onto it… It's old, I swear! Do you believe me? You have to believe me?" Edward pleaded from the side of the bed.

"I believe you, Edward. You can't blame me for asking or wondering. I care; too much…"

"I love you. I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. I'll tell you anything, everything; I swear…" Edward insisted, speaking of; what I already knew.

"Come to bed… You're tired, we can talk about it in the morning." I pushed to end the conversation. I didn't want to dwell, when I was getting everything I wanted - _Edward_.

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 20 - Tortured Heart**

Thanks for dropping by!


	21. Chapter 21 Tortured Reflection

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 21 - Tortured Reflection**

.

.

Sometimes is never quite enough  
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love  
Don't forget to win first place  
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face  
Be a good boy  
Try a little harder  
You've got to measure up  
And make me prouder  
How long before you screw it up  
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up  
With everything I do for you  
The least you can do is keep quiet  
Be a good girl  
You've got to try a little harder  
That simply wasn't good enough  
To make us proud  
I'll live for you  
I'll make you what I never was  
If you're the best, then maybe so am I  
Compared to him compared to her  
I'm doing this for your own damn good  
You'll make up for what I blew  
What's the problem ... why are you crying  
Be a good boy  
Push a little farther now  
That wasn't fast enough  
To make us happy  
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect  
(Alanis Morisette - Perfect)

.

.

Edward climbed into bed; t-shirt, jeans, socks, and probably boxer briefs. Which was very unusual; for him. Immediately I felt the weight of his guilt; so deep - he wouldn't even undress in my presence. Punishing me; to punish himself?

"You never sleep in your clothes; not like this." I noted.

"I don't think it's such a good idea." His words were but a whisper in the dark as he reached over to kill the only light - glowing from a silver lamp on the bedside table.

I grew bitter - so fucking bitter. He was in a funk; closing himself off from me until further notice. On his terms; I'd come to read him well. Even when nothing made sense, I wanted to believe I still knew him. The Edward I knew was still in there somewhere and denial is so much easier than accepting change…

I turned away - rolling over to sleep, but this time… This time, I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't going to wonder what was wrong with me. It was evident Edward's troubled roots sank deeper into the earth than mine. My father was right; what's wrong with Edward has nothing to do with me. Edward had demons, perhaps scarier than mine.

"My first mistake was sharing company with people I couldn't trust, when I was in a state where I couldn't even trust myself. I had no-one, nothing, no escape. It was me, myself, and I. When Mike offered; I was already waiting at rock bottom for someone to toss me a rope. Mike threw the first rope and I grabbed hold." Edward's voice echoed in the dark.

"You start out small - test the waters. A little pot; then you start dusting it with a little coke or opium. Someone comes to the party and introduces a little acid and mushrooms. You get hooked on the different ways to escape. Try to find your favorites, but when they're not available you get careless. You want to release yourself from anything and everything; life. Then you start taking what's readily available. Start doing drugs you told yourself you'd never do, you get braver. When heroin came along I was scared shitless. I thought Mike wouldn't let me die, he'd make sure I'd be okay. Only to look over and see he was just as fucked as I was." I rolled over to stare at his silhouette, strong features gazing up at the ceiling.

Listening to him share his story, brought me to the edge where my own past haunted. The only difference; he could choose his drugs, mine were prescribed. You do get braver, tolerant. I stopped counting all the drugs I was consuming. Started taking multiple cocktails; to reach various levels of _numb_.

"It's hardly a way of living and as time wore on; I became careless and got caught. The first time you get caught, it's a big deal. You promise to never do it again, but you're too far in. So you try to hide it better. But as you get caught over and over again; it reaches a point to where it becomes no big deal." Edward admitted with a soft shrug, his tone steady but quiet. He shifted, rolling onto his side to face me.

.

.

The pain you've been feeling, It's just the dark before the morning.

.

.

"I spent ten days in rehab. Ran into Alice the day of my release…Bumped into Mike at her party. Caved, and you know the rest…When I made it home with images of Becky's blood behind my eyes, I begged my mother to help me. I knew I wasn't safe on the outside."

"So then you had Tanya making deliveries?" Yeah, I watched him. Like a hawk.

"I needed friends. They were all I had. So I smoke a little pot…have a few drinks. It's no big deal. It's not the beast it was before; now I say when."

"Yeah, you say when about everything." I couldn't help myself. It was hard to believe there was this persona, so out of control - and yet he had complete restraint when it came to me. _Me_! _Why me_?

"I'm sorry." I quickly apologized for my boldness and lack of tact. It was abrasive and uncalled for. He opens up to me and I can't help but be a bitch… Maybe if I left him alone, played hard to get - he'd want me as much as I wanted him. But; it was hard to turn that part of my brain off with his warmth wrapped around me.

.

.

Celebrate all of the things you don't like about yourself - love yourself.

.

.

We lie awake for what felt like hours. Breathing faint, on edge. Crisp clean sheets shifting ever so slightly with the faintest of sleep adjustments; but it was apparent neither of us could sleep. I felt like we were eight all over again; camping on my bedroom floor. My mother would come in to try to quiet us repeatedly and when that failed Charlie laid down the law in a yell that meant business. He never even had to get up, his tone billowing through the walls was enough to bring us to silence. We'd lie still, just like this. Until one would drift off to sleep and the other would get bored enough to join them.

When Edward's breathing pattern shifted, I quietly rolled over to stare out the window. It had been forever since I looked out _that _window. After she died; the first couple of weeks Charlie let me sleep with him… And every night, I watched and waited. Hoping she'd appear in _that_ window. Which was irrational considering it was a second floor window. Nothing made sense to me then and little made sense to me now. Hope from one moment to the next; and keep praying the next is better than the last…

"Bella…" Edward's hand extended to catch my shoulder. Hearing him say my name… I closed my eyes. I didn't want to face anything. I wanted everything wrong to just fade into the backdrop.

"I know you're awake." He confessed.

"I'm listening…" I murmured in a weary tone, pretending to be tired.

"Five-hundred-and-twenty-eight" He breathed in a steady whisper.

"Huh?" Explained my confusion quite well…

"Days wasted, spent destroying myself; without you. I'd be a fool to believe I could take back five-hundred-and-twenty-eight days in a matter of months." His tone remained quietly steady; even in an empty house. I turned over to face him, devoid of what to say…

I raised my hands to find his face in the dark, cupping the rough cheeks that boasted a few days of beard growth.

"I stopped counting." I responded, my tone a whisper below Edwards.

"I thought you'd never forgive me."

"You blackmailed me." I reminded him.

"Maybe; suppose I did."

"I only left room for two options, blackmail or groveling. And of course you'd have to choose.."

"I groveled some too!" Edward cut me off…

"After you blackmailed me!" I laughed.

"It's not really my strong point." His jaw quaked with laughter; the stubble along his jaw tickled against my fingers.

.

.

_Have a heart that never hardens, _

_A temper that never tires, _

_-And a touch that never hurts._

.

.

"You have plenty of others to make up for it." I tried to keep the focus on Edward. Avoidance suited me well, really it did. All of my plans in life were based around avoiding one thing or another. Hell, I couldn't wait to get out of Forks. Maybe it wouldn't be Chicago; but somewhere… Anywhere, but here. Being alone with Edward made me feel safe and secure; outside interference tended to fuck up my happy space.

"Yeah - well, my mom finding my stash just set me back to the starting line. I'm sure Charlie is having a coronary." Edward knew Charlie just as well as I did; he didn't ever forgive easy.

"He seemed concerned, I'm pretty sure he cares." I answered thoughtfully, knowing it would take some work to convince Charlie. Currently, I sucked at convincing anyone of anything.

"About you, and my mother… He's a cop." Edward scoffed, laughing softly.

"And you. Unless we all sever ties; it's kind of like a package deal. We can't escape one another." I admitted, truthfully.

"Does that bother you?" Edward retorted quickly.

"I try not to think about it, but… Yes, it could bother me."

"What could bother you?" Edward asked. I couldn't see his face, but the way his legs shifted to meet mine, told me he was curious.

"The hardest thing in life, is watching someone you love; love someone else." I responded; thoughtful. Knowing, I couldn't ever bear to see him with someone else. The assumptions of him with Tanya; gave me enough living hell…

"Touché." Edward noted, his tone holding a hint of surprise.

"Why did you keep your stash?" I asked. He appeared lost; perhaps still thoughtful over my mushy and too honest reply. I couldn't lie to myself - on some level it was more than just nothing. He took my prescribed drugs away, but kept his own in case of emergency illegal stash… The hypocrisy…

"Do you want me to lie, or do you want the truth?" His answer, wasn't quite what I expected.

"The truth, always." I insisted. Unsure of what I had just set myself up for; was it really that bad? Edward propped himself up on his elbow, sending his frame hovering over mine.

"Without you; I'm just empty space. I really don't give a damn about anything. Opium has always been the drug that speaks to me; in your voice. It echoes, _I want you to… _Over and over. It doesn't give a damn whether it's wrong or right; it just is." Edward's breathing grew sharp, heavy…

"Your other Bella…" I stammered, thoughtlessly as his statements repeated in my thoughts.

.

.

_If it's love…_

_And we're two birds of a feather_

_The rest is just whenever._

.

.

"Imaginary Edward?" He interrupted.

"Entirely made up, I suck at blackmail." I admitted, nodding quietly in the dark.

"Do you ever think about using again?" I asked, serious.

"Sometimes… When life starts sucking ass. When I think I'm close to losing you." He spoke in a soft whisper. First light started creeping through the window; giving his eyes life from the shadows. He looked exhausted.

"I never thought this would last." Edward interrupted before I could reply and his words caught me so completely off-guard that I'd lost all train of thought…

"What do you mean?" I asked, first instinct to be overly suspicious.

"We were friends, forever… If you didn't want me then, why would you want me now? If anything, things are more messed up now. I thought eventually you'd see that, considering I'm not very good at deception either." And the laughter that ensued was exhilarating…

"I didn't want anyone then." I admitted, truthful.

"Nobody? No crushes?" Edward scoffed in disbelief, taunting me.

"No, not even you." That's what sent his hands racing down my sides in a furious tickle torture attempt. I could barely breathe - not funny. Quickly he crawled over me as I tried to make an escape, he was just getting started…

"Not even me?" He quipped with laughter. My shirt rode up with each twist and turn, as I tried to escape to the edge of the bed. Except the bed was so big, I thought I'd never reach the side to free myself. And once his fingers were prodding against my bare skin; to tickle along my ribs… It was paralyzing, the intensity tripled.

"Stop, please…stop!" I huffed…squealed…pleaded…and laughed, beyond control.

"Fine! Once, maybe twice…" I cried with laughter, it was starting to hurt. Edward pulled back to sit on his heels, kneeling over me.

"What?" I asked, after catching my breath. He looked expectant. I don't know if it was because of the glimpse of bare skin I was revealing… or if he was giving me just enough time to catch my breath. Paranoid; I quickly pulled my shirt down to protect myself and started inching toward the side of the bed… Ready to leap.

"I want to hear about this…once or twice…" His expression read entirely amused. He loved to embarrass me. I knew what he expected, he wanted me to rattle off something that would send my face ten shades of red. He'd prod and get me laughing until I couldn't breathe or was angry enough to smack him. Which he'd also find equally amusing… It was a win-win for Edward.

"Remember when I was mad at Alice? We were um…about nine, maybe?" I tried to elaborate, I'd been upset with Alice more times than I can count through our long history. Most of them petty bullshit. Edward smirked and I'd almost laughed. Yeah, it wasn't the dirt he wanted…

"I asked you to push her in the mud, so she wouldn't be mad at me anymore…" I reminded him.

"Ah, the purple party dress." Edward noted thoughtfully and I couldn't help but laugh. Even then Alice had a name for almost every outfit.

"Do you remember what you said?" I asked, amazed that he remembered what she was wearing. I didn't…

"Yes. Boys shouldn't push girls…and it wouldn't be nice." He replied - suddenly shy, trying not to turn seven shades of red himself. Even back then; he wasn't concerned about getting in trouble or expressing worry over making Alice mad at him… He was my best friend. He'd do anything for me, except push a girl.

"No, it wouldn't have been. So two minutes later when Alice became my friend again…" I laughed…it was so sad, but true. We were ridiculous. "I thought that meant you couldn't ever be mean to me. So I was going to tell everyone you were my boyfriend." I admitted, it was silly.

"What if I didn't want to be your boyfriend?" Edward teased.

"You were my best friend so of course you would have said yes. Least that's what I thought." I laughed.

"You never called me your boyfriend then." Edward corrected me.

"No, I told my mom first. She said you were a friend and a boy, so you were already my boyfriend."

"And?" Edward's expression furrowed at my anti-climatic story.

"I was nine…. I believed her. If you were already my boyfriend, it would be kind of silly to run around telling everyone. They already knew you were my boyfriend."

"That's all you've got?" He prodded at my side with long nimble fingers, threatening to tickle me again.

"We were always together, everyday. I had you, I didn't want or need a boyfriend."

.

.

_I don't wish to be everything to everyone; _

_But I would like to be something to someone._

.

.

"And when you didn't have me, you turned to Jacob." Edward retreated, leaning back to sit and prop himself up against the headboard.

"It was either get out of the house or be admitted. I chose out-patient-therapy." I noted, dully.

"There has never been a day that goes by without you in it; that I don't think of you or miss you. Jacob never filled that void; he was just a temporary distraction." I snuggled up to Edward, resting my head in his lap…

"I love you. Promise me, no matter what…You'll always at least be a friend." Edward spoke quietly, in a raspy whisper.

"Yeah, sure… I love you too…" His no matter what comment threw me over the edge, wondering - always fucking wondering what he meant. A part of me felt like I'd lied. While right now in all reality being his friend would seem better than nothing…

I wanted to tell him; _I might have lied. I can't promise I'll always forgive you. Kill someone and you've got a pen pal for life_…_ But, leave me to date someone like Tanya, and you can go fuck yourself!_

We sat in silence… With Edward stroking my hair softly as the sun rose.

_Knock, Knock, Knock… _

_Ding-dong…_

_Knock, Knock, Knock… _

_Knock…_

Startled, I sat up. Waking in a panic to an empty bed; my eyes quickly searched for Edward and came up equally empty… The loud sound of knocking continued; barreling up onto the second floor. I remained frozen, on edge. Wondering what the hell to make of it.

I heard muffled talking - laughter, and then clearly… Edwards voice; reminding the guest… _Shh… Bella's sleeping_. Footsteps rounded the stairs; they were getting closer.

"Bella stayed the night?" They replied; it was Jasper - maybe? I heard the door close at the far end of the hall and the muffled talking resumed.

Looking at the clock, it was after two in the afternoon… I couldn't remember the last time I slept so well, or had such a jolt upon waking. Quickly; I thought to dial Alice as it was too late to call last night. Crawling to the side of the bed, I swung my legs over the edge before reaching around the clock to grab the phone.

"Alice!" I was beyond thrilled to have caught her at home. I liked when things went smooth and easy; turning out the way I hoped. _Don't we all?_

"Bella…" Alice's tone told me Charlie had already called; and she was disappointed she wasn't in the loop.

"What did you tell my dad?" I asked, nearly wincing as I waited to hang onto Alice's every word.

"I told him you were in the shower. But that was almost four hours ago… Make sure you mention I forgot to tell you to call him back; because I don't know where you are! Where the hell are you?"

"I'll tell you later…" I might-have-sort-a lied. I knew I'd have to give her something, but I still wasn't sure I wanted to share that Edward was here. Her being my alibi; well that might make it a little difficult.

"My caller ID reads E. Masen, with an out of state area code..."

"What?" I asked, baffled.

"I know you're with Edward, but where the hell are you?" Alice persisted.

"I really don't have time right now. I promise, I'll call you tonight; okay?" I pleaded. Alice was my life-line. I needed her to cover for me.

"You better…" I sat on the edge of the bed. Confused as all fuck… I never even thought of caller ID. We never had it at _our house_…

.

.

_I was nauseous and tingly all over. _

_I was either in love or I had smallpox._

.

.

"Edward…" I called… As I slowly made my way toward the muffled voices talking.

"We're in here…" Edward shouted, warning me there was a visitor? I already knew someone was over - but who?

Edward opened the door, before I could reach to open it. He loosely threw his arm around my waist, reeling me in toward his mouth. Quickly, I placed my hand over his mouth…

"Morning breath…" I apologized, removing my hand.. Mine, not his… I didn't really try to smell his…

"Oh…" He apologized, shaking his head - before he'd settled on kissing me on the cheek. Seconds later he was pushing me into my old bedroom. Jasper was flexing his hands over Edward's keyboard; apparently my old bedroom made a nice office. Aside from the change in furniture - he hadn't really done anything with the room. The hideously faded stars were still clinging to the ceiling for life…

"Afternoon Bella…" Jasper looked up with a smile and a wave of eyebrows; before he continued to furiously pound away on the keyboard.

"Um… Alice said…" I waved my arm behind me…like an idiot, trying to explain - and poorly. "That this house number comes up on the caller ID with a different area code?" I folded my arms across my chest, to refrain from doing anymore idiotic gestures. In unison, it seemed to draw their attention there… Quickly, I dropped my hands to my sides…

"And…?" I asked as they both stared me down clueless…

"Oh…" Jasper replied, _ah-ha_…_maybe_?

"Yeah…" Jasper nodded, before furiously pounding on the keyboard again. I stared Edward down, was anyone going to tell me?

"Jasper is connecting my voicemail to my e-mail. We're hijacking a Chicago pay phone." Edward nodded, pursing his lips together. Not really knowing what that meant, I blinked a few times…

"I'm going to go take a shower…" I nodded, turning to head back out.

"What? Why?" Edward looked entirely confused, more so than I…

"Shower." Jasper elbowed Edward in the side, when their eyes met; I could practically see the perversion floating above their heads in tiny little thought bubbles. Edward caught on to Jaspers train of thought…

"Uh, I'll be with you in a minute…" Edward mumbled.

.

.

_In love there are two things - bodies and words._

.

.

As I lathered myself up, I wondered if Edward was playing up the relationship for Jasper too. It took me a long while to admit to the girls that Edward and I weren't together - _like that_. There were so many times I thought we might; and that false hope kept my expectations high.

As the warm soapy water flowed down the curvature of my abdomen and thighs, memory; it brought me back to the hood of Edward's car. He was so warm in the cold night. I could remember every detail vividly, like it were yesterday; but it felt like it were a million years ago since we'd been that close.

Our bodies synchronized like a well oiled machine; the fire that sparked between us…

"I'm sorry. What I mean is, of course you can shower here." Edward burst in rambling quickly. I cleared the fog from the glass of the shower door to spot him at the sink adding toothpaste to his toothbrush.

"Gee…Thanks." I retorted, with a laugh.

Frequently; I'd caught him eyeing me in the mirror each time he looked up from the sink.

I got a little soap in my eye and stumbled briefly…

"Bella…"

"I'm fine…" I called out, laughing with embarrassment. Once I cleared the soap from my eye, I noticed I had made him uncomfortable. And realized that stumble cleared away a small section of fog, that might have given him a glimpse of boob.

While that first extra smear in the fog on the glass was purely accidental. I then traced a heart around it. Yeah he might be able to see a little boob-age, it was a small opening…and it was hard to tell what he could be seeing at any given angle.

That little bit of mystery made me more comfortable about it. I had never just completely thrown myself at Edward naked. I wasn't sure If I was comfortable enough in my own skin to do just that - hell; it might work… And while it hasn't happened yet, eventually we'll be completely naked at some point, _right_?

"You love it." I taunted… No longer washing; just waiting under the steady stream of water to keep warm. I couldn't bring myself to step out with him standing there. He seemed to be going through a typical morning ritual.

"You're going to make me cut myself." He warned, now shaving… I couldn't really _make_ him do anything. I've been ready to burn the v-card… weeks - months ago.

.

.

_To fear love is to fear life;_

_And those who fear life are already three parts dead._

.

.

I walk in at around four, Elizabeth is doing dinner prep and persuades me to get involved. I end up peeling and slicing potatoes, and making small talk about two movies I haven't yet seen.

"Did I miss Edward's call?" I mention his name to feel her out and let them know that I haven't forgotten. I still had to keep up the charade on my end. Realistically; I knew there wasn't enough lies in the world to be able to spend every night with Edward. It wasn't hard to miss him, I'd rather be with him than here…

Dinner; Charlie comes home from work and again I talk about the two movies I haven't really seen. They put the best scenes in the trailers anyway - so I think I'm doing a fair job of interpreting the winding tale.

Charlie mentions going to bingo, and Elizabeth sheepishly admits Edward hasn't called yet. Charlie exhaled a little loudly, before offering a gentle nod… Edward was still pissing in his cheerios, all the way from Chicago.

After dinner, I sat by my bedroom window hoping to get a glimpse of Edward. After an hour I'd grown irritated with myself; for not getting any other means of communication.

When the phone rings, I pray that it's Edward. I step out of my bedroom to lean over the railing to eavesdrop… I listen to Elizabeth coo like she's speaking to a toddler; it's definitely Edward…

I hang over the railing, listening to the non-sense - banter. She doesn't even bring up his found stash, instead she's asking him a hundred and one questions to trick him into slipping up and telling the truth. I imagined Edward was on the other line repeatedly telling her he was fine.

Finally; after twenty minutes or so - Elizabeth calls me down… And hands me the phone. Suppose helping her with dinner paid off…

"I miss you…" Edward whines into the phone.

"I've missed you too." I admit, probably wearing one of the goofiest smiles ever.

"Having a house to one-self is a huge bore; who knew…" Edward laughed…

"Yeah, I was just sitting up in my room - just waiting for you to call." I hinted, there was little privacy while sharing space with both parental units. Eventually they started bickering on whether it was too late to attend bingo or not…

"You can go, I'll be good…" I responded when they started looking at me like the third wheel they'd have to entertain… By all means; don't let me guilt you into staying in.

"What's going on over there?" Edward slurred into the receiver. It took all of two seconds to convince them… They grabbed light jackets - "_Night Bella, Edward_…" Elizabeth spoke in an exaggerated tone and then they offered gentle waves before stumbling out of the house.

"I got rid of them…" And oddly enough, it was easier than I anticipated.

.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 21 - Tortured Reflection**

Thanks for dropping by!


	22. Chapter 22 Tortured Forever

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 22 - Tortured Forever  
**

.

.

Not talkin' 'bout a year

no not three or four

I don't want that kind of forever

in my life anymore

forever always seems

to be around when it begins

but forever never seems

to be around when it ends

so give me your forever

please your forever

not a day less will do

from you

People spend so much time

every single day

runnin' 'round all over town

givin' their forever away

but no not me

I won't let my forever roam

and now I hope I can find

my forever a home

so give me your forever

please your forever

not a day less will do

from you

Like a handless clock with numbers

an infinite of time

no not the forever found

only in the mind

forever always seems

to be around when things begin

but forever never seems

to be around when things end

so give me your forever

please your forever

not a day less will do

from you

(Ben Harper - Forever)

.

.

When I went over to Edward's place; I didn't anticipate that Jasper would still be over. Or that they'd be occupied watching basketball. Charlie was a huge sports fan and even he wasn't parked in front of the television. I didn't even know Edward really liked basketball…

So after about thirty minutes or so of being ignored, I rose from the leather chair to head into the kitchen for a drink. I rummaged in his fridge for a bit. Finding a variety of well stocked drinks and very little food. Yet there were condiments…

I cracked open my first beer, noticing the trash was stacked with pizza and delivery boxes. I needed liquid courage to get me through what was to be a wasted night. As I brought the bottle to my lips…

"I know watching sports isn't your favorite past-time." Edward startled me and I almost poured about a fifth of the bottle down my shirt, but my chin managed to dribble away most of it.

I stuck my tongue out at him, before wiping away at the beer on my chin with my palm.

"What gave you that idea?" I watched enough sports, being polite and trying to bond with Charlie. Edward knew my every struggle… Some days, I just didn't get him at all. I thought this was supposed to be _our_ summer.

"Jasper?" Edward shouted from the kitchen out into the hall.

"Yeah, I'll have another," Jasper shouted back… And I tried not to make a shitty face. I just didn't think Edward saw things as I did. Realized; I couldn't just spend every waking moment with him. Still, fucking seventeen and living in _his mothers _house.

"No, go home." Edward retorted sharply with a laugh…

"That's rude," I responded clearly, baffled…but proud.

"He's a guy, he's cool." Edward nodded, cool - collective - casual.

"See you tomorrow." And the door closed, sending Jasper off into the night.

"Cool?" I didn't quite understand this guy logic. If I had tried that shit with Alice she wouldn't have ever left; at least not peacefully.

"Yeah its cool to be a dick to your guy friends. I don't make the rules, I just bend them a little sometimes…" Edward shrugged, wearing a deviant smirk.

"So if Jasper thinks you're getting laid... What do I get out of it?" I boldly noted. He could fool Jasper, but I definitely understood that struggle.

The sense of feeling flawed when your peers are shocked that you're not getting laid at any and every opportunity. The only difference, he had the answers and I couldn't keep up with his forever differing reasons to not go all the way. I admitted the ugly truth to my girls, but only because I wanted validation that there wasn't something wrong with me.

"Is the pleasure of my company not enough?" Edward closed the gap between us, trapping me in the corner of his fancy new island kitchen. His skin…lips; so close I immediately concluded that he had showered after I left.

"Only if… you give me your shirt and two more beers." I tried to barter; give me something! Sadly, he always kept it together, long enough to deny me any form of penetration.

…And unfortunately the bottle of Irish Spring body wash Edward had left in my bathroom was almost empty. The first time I borrowed it; I just wanted to invade my senses with his scent.

Then I realized that there was menthol in the ingredient list after my hoo-ha went all tingly - in a cool, yet warming sensation. To think I wasted twenty-three bucks on a third of an ounce of KY Intense at Alice's recommendation and with a damn coupon! Now I could receive the same satisfaction, fifteen glorious ounces at the bargain price of four-ninety-nine… And the only sacrifice was that my girly bits would end up smelling like clean boy. Which was a-okay in my book.

"Yeah…And then what?" He completely caught me off-guard, it was so surreal to have Edward wooing me onward. I could feel my face flushing, just thinking about Edward's shower. He had a nicer shower head and a new bottle of body wash.

"I'm going to do real bad things to you…" Except I ended up laughing, still pondering the correlation between the scent of Edward and my hoo-ha. He smelled like pussy, my pussy… Thus my sexy talk… Well, it wasn't really convincing… But I did manage to make Edward laugh and blush three shades of red, which was sort-of cute.

.

.

_He gives me kisses on the lips,_

_Just for coming home._

.

.

We cuddled up on the couch, watching Corpse Bride. I was on beer number three or four… We'd seen this movie before but I'd completely forgotten the plot. Now, too busy keeping my legs crossed firmly with enough pressure to calm the wanting ache in my groin.

Edward kept twirling my hair and practically nuzzling my throat… Which was a distracting false hope, considering he'd refocus on the movie thirty seconds later. I wanted to believe I was wearing him down, even if ever so fucking slowly…

_Breathe on me_…

My vision clouded with Edward's eyes glowing brilliantly in the night; emerald fire. Tossed back over the hood of his car, with arms and legs coiled tightly around him… Reliving the moment of just how fucking sexy it was to have him breathing on me.

_Fuck me… _His tone rattled in my ears distinctly from memory.

"You're trembling…" Reality crept in and when his warm breath hit my ear. I was a goner… Left trying to conceal agonizing gasps by sucking in one long quick shallow breath as my body continued to betray me, stiffening in climax.

"Are you okay?" _Um…better than okay… _I'd never just, not like that. It was small on the scale - but still… Damn!

"Mmm…fine," I nodded. Ten minutes later I was shivering…

"Why is it so cold in here?" Edward must have had the air pumping sixty degrees… If my nipples were any harder they could be classified as poorly concealed weapons.

"Because I'm hot." Edward retorted quickly, wearing flannel over his t-shirt. He had suddenly decided to take a real intent interest in the movie.

"Okay, so take the flannel off and turn the air down." I laughed softly, trying not to poke too much fun. But his logic was ridiculous! If he wanted to see my nipples, I'm not quite sure how that would benefit him. Nobody likes to be teased for too long…

"I could get you a flannel." Edward offered, a strange offer indeed.

"That's sweet… really, but come on. Turn the air down a little bit." I tried to coax him. He got off the couch to go and check the air, almost immediately the vents stopped blowing. When he came back, he removed the left sleeve of his flannel, tossing it behind him before he nestled his arm around me again… So now he was half wearing his flannel shirt…

"You are acting like such a weirdo…" I reached over to pull the remainder of his flannel off, but he quickly tucked his arm behind him… Curious and _curiouser_, I found myself straddling him to get a look at his arm. At first it was funny, child's play… But the first thought to pop into my mind as he continued to hide his arm from me; was hideous…

"What the hell are you hiding?" I couldn't disguise the distaste in my tone. I had no evidence Edward was using, but the fact he was hiding his arm… Well, it seemed pretty fucking obvious.

"It's not what you think. Trust me. I can't believe you would think that…" Edward grit his teeth together, still concealing his flannel covered arm behind him. I pushed off his chest and found my footing. Before stepping away from the couch and creating a distance in which I stared down upon him, lost… Is this really fucking happening?

When he gave me no reprieve to dissuade my thoughts; I was calling it a night…

"Don't leave angry." He pressed his palm against the door, to stop me from opening it… Logic told me not to fight for the door, but instead I grabbed his dangling flannel and gave it a quick tug.

"Bella," Edward pulled his arm toward his chest, but it was too late…

"You're hurt…" Half of his arm was concealed with folded paper towels secured with medical tape.

"It's nothing…" Edward tried to brush off my worry, raking the hand of his good arm through my hair…

"Then let me see!" I insisted, shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it all. He kept his arm bound tightly against him, not budging.

.

.

_You are forever stuck with me._

_You are, forever._

.

.

"Surprised?" His speech barely registered in my thoughts. I couldn't find the words to describe what I was seeing… I blinked, started to say something…

"Your mother is going to kill you!" That about summed it up…

I hadn't realized how tense I actually was, until Edward gripped my arms just below my shoulders to try to shake me back into reality. To where my eyes weren't entirely transfixed on following the swollen raised ink on his arm.

"You should have asked…before you…" I stumbled over my words.

"I spent more than a day thinking about it." Edward laughed it off as if I were being silly… I mean, I couldn't deny that I weren't a little flattered. It was the proof I wanted, permanently etched in bold black script lettering on the inside of his forearm.

"How many days?" I blurted… _Holy fuck_!

"Too many to count. If it's a mistake, so be it. It's my body." Edward laughed softly, so careless… I suppose my interrogation was quite similar to one of Charlie's. His answer stung, still it was expected. I'd have given him a smart ass answer if the roles were reversed. It didn't change the fact that I hated being left out… This isn't something you just surprise someone with.

"Bella, there's nothing you can say that everyone hasn't already said to me today. I know, it's crazy, stupid…" And it's a little too late to do much about it now...

"Insane, asinine," I interrupted with a shake of my head.

"The artist said I'd be back in a month, maybe two… But he doesn't know you or I… I'd never paint the same canvas twice. It's forever, it'll grow on you." He smirked. I lulled, caught between his arms and his eyes, nearly limp - like a rag doll… This shit couldn't be real. _It'll grow on me, promises - promises._

"Did it hurt?"

"Not as much as I anticipated."

"Edward, I really have to go… I've been drinking and I can't deal with everything right now."

"Can't or don't want to?"

"Don't have time to! You weren't even going to show it to me anyway…"

"I really have to go," I pushed.

"Please, stay with me tonight."

"I can't, not tonight." I held adamant with my tone and in avoiding his stare. I had to get to…

Hell

On

Mother-fucking

Earth

Without him…

Edward kissed my forehead… Then caught my lips, when my chin lifted to get a clear view of his face. Trying to persuade me with kisses filled with promises of something much greater than I knew he would give, but that tiny glimmer of hope... Entrapment at its finest. He brushed his knuckles against my aching heat, weaving his free hand in my hair - I felt the gentle pull. Edward was securing me right where he wanted me…

If not for the headlights flashing through the curtains; to remind me that I should have left minutes ago… The only warning that Charlie had turned into the drive next door.

"Meet me at the window!" I frantically huffed against his mouth, but the sound that escaped was nothing more than a wry needy moan.

I managed to tear myself from Edward, run out the back door and hop a fucking fence that's really two feet taller than fucking necessary… Race in the back door, through the kitchen… They had their key in the lock, click-click…

"Bella," Charlie sounded pleasant… Catching me as I tried to round the stairs. I came to a sliding, almost faltering stop on the fifth step. I reached tight for the railing before turning to face them.

"I was just going to bed…" My tone was breathless with an alibi that came at the speed of light.

"Everything okay?" Elizabeth asked curious. Breathe in, out, in… _Remember, shallow breaths - you smell like a brewery!_

"Yeah, the door startled me. I didn't think you'd be coming straight home," I lied. Charlie smiled and nodded pleasantly… Maybe they actually won at bingo? I didn't care enough to ask.

"Well, good-night." I sort-a waved, after that run - there was no way in hell I could hold my breath long enough to kiss them goodnight. And I didn't need another lecture about underage drinking. Charlie gave it to me every time he brought his work home.

.

.

_You're only bad,_

_If you get caught._

.

.

Edward slid his office chair to the window and was already kicked back by the time I made it upstairs.

I sat on the side of the bed, finally able to fully catch my breath. The adrenaline was pumping to the point that I was nearly shaking.

Edward: A very intricate web of puzzle pieces I was trying to piece together. He could be so reckless. Still, flattery told me it was one of the sexiest things he'd ever done for me.

_Mine, all mine…_

He won't make love to me; break that final friend barrier… But he's crazy enough to permanently etch my name in nearly three inch letters across the inside of his arm. Talk about bringing conversation and conflict to the dinner table. I didn't want to be anywhere near Elizabeth or Charlie when the light would finally fall on that monstrosity.

_He would wear my mark, forever…_

We stared each other down from behind glass walls, speechless. I had all the questions, he'd never give me answers to. He was the fucking riddle that might kill me before I ever come close to solving it.

I was basking in his beauty. Always, when I thought I couldn't possibly love him anymore, he'd find ways to lure me deeper.

_Call me_? - Edward held up a piece of copy paper with what looked like chicken scratch, prepared in his buzzed state.

I shook my head and gestured with a shrug and a few careless hand gestures. I didn't have a number to dial if I wanted to. Truthfully, I didn't quite know what to say. I'd end up pushing again, and always in the wrong direction despite my best efforts.

When Edward held up the number, including a Chicago area code. I grabbed a pen off the desk and scrawled out some sloppy pen of my own on the first piece of paper I found. I turned the stereo on low, just enough to filter out the sound of my voice as I quietly dialed.

When his voice came on the line; it wasn't my name or even one word… But a satisfied murmur, hum, …perhaps a moan? _How the fuck do I follow that up?_

"You wanted to talk?" I stated the obvious. It was all I could form, to keep myself from crying.

"That's not all I want."

"Who are you?" I strangled back a sob, but I could feel the warmth of tears brewing in the depths of my eyes.

"You know me," Edwards tone was subtly persuasive. Sometimes, I thought I did. But tonight - everything was a black and white blur. The only constant, my immense love for Edward. Consequences be damned.

.

.

There is a diamond inside of me, that lights up the sky of my soul.  
Where fell the diamond; when I believed that all of the hurt was my fault.

.

.

"Maybe we could hang out again tomorrow." I offered, unsure if Jasper was moving in or what? Eventually Edward was going to get caught… Especially if there were too many recognizable faces going in and out. Elizabeth and Charlie weren't oblivious to the fact we had a new neighbor. In fact Elizabeth was still waiting to find the right time to officially welcome them to the neighborhood. With Edward leaving and the stress of her worries, I'm sure the new neighbor is the last thing on her mind right now. But eventually…

"Maybe? What kind of shit is that. You are," Edward laughed at my offer.

"Wouldn't want to impose on your date with Jasper." It was easier to tease Edward. Seal off the flood of emotions hiding behind clouded eyes.

"If Alice would get her shit together, he wouldn't be knocking on my door." I had no idea what he was referring to.

"I forgot to call Alice back. Give me five minutes." I groaned… Rarely does anything take five minutes with her.

"I'll be waiting…" He obliged, yet his tone sounded perplexed. I was hanging up on him to call Alice. An alibi, I needed one.

I dialed Alice, hoping she would answer. While our parents had grown accustomed to us calling each other at all hours of the day or night. I still felt like a complete jackass anytime I woke them.

"About time..." Alice answered in a snippy tone, not even a hello.

"I'm sorry, I forgot." I apologized quickly, submitting to Alice. Justifying my actions with the fact that she still had Rosalie, she didn't need me.

"And you call now? I might be spending the night at your place." She grumbled and huffed in my ear.

"Jasper went home, so I figured you were home." I tried to keep my cool. Edward making silly faces every time I looked up wasn't really helping my cause.

Which led to me giving her a briefing of the events she missed over the past few days. She squealed loudly at various points, compelling me to pull the phone away from my ear.

"So what's going on with you and Jasper?" I asked, curious. More for my own sanity. Please tell me Jasper is not going to play the third wheel in what's supposed to be _my summer_?

"Spill!" I drilled when she was hesitant. It wasn't like her to not share. As long as she had an audience, she'd spill her guts... That was a deciding factor in Alice losing her best friend title. I never knew if I could completely trust her, or not… But when I was desperate she was always there.

"We slept together.." She mumbled really fast in one quick steady breath.

"Um…That's great?" I think? Hell I would be ecstatic.

"If you're uncomfortable…" She offered me an out. Truthfully I never did care much to hear about their sex lives. I didn't have much worth sharing, maybe that was a part of it. More so the conversation was always lewd, crude, and just way too much fucking information. _I don't need to know what your flavor of the months balls smell like Rosalie… _It took me months before I could eat buttered popcorn again.

This was Alice and generally she had more tact, I hoped.

"Nah, you can tell me anything." I feigned interest. When my eyes raised from wandering across the messy floor of my room; Edward was gone.

"Bella, it was so bad... The worst ever!" Alice whined in my ear in a pitch that almost mirrored her excited squeal.

"I've been avoiding him. I know… I should say something." She continued to chirp into my ear.

"The first time with a new partner would probably be awkward for a lot of people. It could get better." I tried to cheer her up, by convincing her to get the third wheel out of Edward's house.

"You really think so? I don't know. No offense, but what would you really know anyway." I'd made her laugh at least. Then began to question why I let Edward go to listen to her bullshit if I didn't know jack about shit anyway.

"I'm a virgin, not a nun Alice." I wasted little time in chiding her in a mocking tone. Edward came back into the office. Beer in hand, he resumed his front row seat at the window before quickly offering me a few rolling motions with his hand to get on with it.

"I'm kind of leaning toward little red corvette. He's a sweet ride, but he drives too fast." She never failed to get me laughing at her analogies. "It's not funny! It was really awkward! Everything about it… If I could do it over… I'd take it back. I really liked him…"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I scoffed…

"It was so bad," Alice continued to justify herself.

.

.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have;

It's much sexier than any body-part.

.

.

I tried to argue that she wasn't being fair. When that failed I reminded her that she was probably the hottest piece of ass he'd ever seen. It was entirely beyond his control and he needed a second, third, fourth, fifth… _However many chances it would take to get them through the next few months. _

Impatient and after finishing his beer, Edward rose from the chair. I anticipated him leaving again, thus I tried to hold him back with a raised finger. One more minute, I'm saving _our_ summer.

"Maybe I'll text him tomorrow." Her tone wasn't very promising, thus I knew I needed to play on her sympathies.

"Yeah, next topic... Now I'm paranoid. I mean, what if I'm bad at it? I'd hate to be a hit and run."

"Edward would never Bella. He takes the Maserati out for a spin every time he looks at you." She had me laughing again; in which Edward showed his eagerness by stretching out in front of the window and making yawning gestures.

"He's crazy about you," Alice insisted in a lingering sigh.

"He's definitely crazy…" My breath hitched in my throat as I fought not to laugh. Edward definitely knew how to work for my attention. My private dancer kept giving me silly frequent flashes of his shiny silver belt buckle.

"Are you busy with something?" Alice's tone buzzing in my ear startled me back to the phone.

"Can you call me tomorrow morning? Let's do something, I'm sure Jasper will be around…" Something about a boy with deceivingly soft alabaster skin… When he removed his shirt, I found myself entirely captivated.

"I'll call," _Alice who?_

"Bella?" _What?_

"Uh, yeah…mhm…" I nodded, gesturing to Alice on the phone. Provoking him to lower his hands over his belt… I couldn't not look. Torn with ideas of burning that damned belt or at the very least getting a spanking out of the arrangement.

"I'll call you tomorrow…"

.

.

I'll come back when you call me,

No need to say goodbye.

.

.

A high pitched squeal echoed from the receiver, startling the blood flow back to my brain. Alice hung up; awhile ago. _Guess she'll call me tomorrow?_

His belt no longer an obstacle as he strung it over the back of his desk chair, laying it over his discarded shirt. I toyed with the idea of waiting to see just how far this could go because I'm a self admitted pervert.

I dialed, hoping for sound effects and Edward delivered with a smile.

"Mmm…I was just getting ready for bed."

"Were you?" Really? _Could have fooled me… I was kind-a hoping he was just getting started… _

"I'll always make time for you," Edward guilted.

"I didn't think it would take that long… I had to tell her, and you know Alice…" I delivered a half ass apology.

"I realized it probably would have been a good idea to seek your input on the tattoo." In which Edward delivered the same, tit for tat.

"I would have told you not to," I admitted flatly. His tattoo resembled lots of promises, but what if he couldn't keep them all?

"You can be very convincing." The way the word convincing lulled off his tongue had me smiling and probably looking like an idiot.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Everything," I laughed.

"As long as you're thinking of me."

"Always," I reminded him.

"You were on the phone forever," he justified.

"F-o-r-e-v-e-r," he repeated with great uneven pauses and I couldn't help but laugh at the exaggeration in his tone.

"I know you think that I have some kind of perfect, unyielding self-control, but that's not actually the case…" He slid his hand through his hair, making little effort to keep eye contact.

"No?" I hummed in his ear, amused…

Edward went into detail about his day, it was obvious he went out with Jasper after I left.

Since he came home with a permanent souvenir to prove it. It was a small consolation to know he missed me. Especially after he mentioned running into Tanya and her mother; they were getting pierced… Thinking about them together made me cringe, it was like drawing nails across a blackboard… And immediately my blood began to boil.

He made it sound like a coincidence, but still… Leave it to Tanya… I didn't want to talk about it anymore. To know that I missed another first with Edward, yet Tanya made it there just in fucking time. Realizing it would only lead to an argument, I bid Edward sweet dreams and filled him with promise for tomorrow before I hung up the line….

.

.

If you do not wish to be lied to;

Do not ask questions.

.

.

"Morning Bella…" I rubbed the back of my hand over my face, confused by the early intrusion.

"Elizabeth?" Groggy, I rolled over to glare at the clock. It wasn't even fucking seven-thirty.

"This room is getting cleaned up today. I have an appointment with Joanne and I should be home before noon." _O-k-a-y…_

"I made plans with Alice, she'll be calling." I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and scratched at my head. She had never come in to wake me, it was always a call from below. An open invitation to breakfast - nothing more, nothing less.

"Well, they'll just have to wait. Won't they?" Her tone was dull and dry. She appeared quite pale with gray and green flushing under swollen eyes.

"Fine. After, I'm going out with Alice." I swung my feet over the edge of the bed and adjusted my rumpled t-shirt. Trying to find the motivation to clean while staring down at the piles of random items strewn over the carpet, it was a lot of shit to sort with really nowhere to put it.

"I believe you're still grounded."

"I went out the other day… So I'm pretty sure I'm not grounded…" Chap-stick! I grabbed the cherry flavored tube and applied a thin layer before tossing it up onto the bedside table.

"Your father didn't tell me and until I hear from him…" It was obvious Elizabeth was disturbed, worried, probably depressed. She started falling apart before Edward had even left. My only hope was that Joanne could fix her up with something to make living here for the summer tolerable.

"You can ask me, you don't have to order me around… Bella, will you please clean up your room? Yes, I will! Bella, will you please stay in until I hear from your father. Of course, I wouldn't want you to get in any trouble on my behalf! See how easy that is?" I reached down and picked up a few lose coins, discarding them on the top of the dresser… I wanted to give up on cleaning already.

"Bella, if you follow the rules there should be no reason for me to ask anything more of you." She smoothed her hands over her teal blouse, taking in the mess scattered about her heels.

"I'll clean it up," I noted flatly.

"…And you'll stay in, until I get back."

"Fine…"

.

.

My mom is a never-ending song in my heart…

She brings me peace, comfort, and happiness.

_I may sometimes forget the words, but never the tune._

.

.

Okay, so I didn't clean my room well. Picking up my shit by the handfuls and stuffing it in the closest box from each pile took all of ten minutes to see a vast improvement. I called Alice, giving her instructions to park in the driveway but to meet me next door.

Edward already had coffee waiting. Barefoot in lose jeans and a t-shirt, I watched him toast waffles. The ink on his arm was still mesmerizing. It was going to take awhile for that to sink in…

"Did you sleep well?"

"Not at all, you?" That boyish smile came out as he blinked at the toaster while trying to change the heat settings. I estimated we had maybe two hours before Elizabeth would be back from her appointment.

"A little. Until your mother swept in and told me to clean my room." I folded my arms over the counter and rest my head inside the tiny cave I'd created; shielding the bright morning sun from drifting into my eyes. I was mentally exhausted from all of the deceit. I didn't know how much longer I could keep up. I typically didn't lie so often or eagerly. Being dehydrated from drinking the night before did nothing for me either. I felt as good as I looked, like shit.

"She finally said something?" Edward's plate clanked on the counter beside my head, followed by his stool squealing as he pulled it out across the open tile. I ignored his smart ass remark and couldn't help but wonder if he were intentionally making a racket. I turned my head to stare up at him from the counter top.

"Hungry?" He wasted no time in offering me a fork-full of waffle, drenched in maple syrup. I shook my head, sticking my tongue out in distaste. From this angle, I could clearly see various shades of paint colors caked around his nails…

"You kept yourself busy last night…" After a miserable start to my morning, just seeing Edward made everything better. He nodded over his waffles, stabbing up several pieces at a time onto his fork…

I wanted to scream and shake him…. Ask him how in his perfect little world, any of this shit made sense? We'd be lucky to make it through a week undetected with the way he was handling himself. Forget a summer…

_Breathe on me…_

Instead.

"Alice and Jasper slept together." Came rolling off my tongue… I'm sure he already knew…

"She's not calling him," he raised a hand to cover the mouthful of waffle he was still chewing.

"Alice should be here soon…" I noted, before sinking my head back down into my folded arms.

"Yeah well, it shouldn't have happened." Edward scarfed down the last of his waffle and moved to drop his plate in the sink. I didn't say anything, it wasn't my place to judge…

"You have no opinion?" Edward leaned into the counter at my side.

"One - it should have been us," I grumbled…

"Fucking in the laundry room of Rosalie's basement?"

What?" I raised my head, now entirely confused. Alice said nothing of the sort.

"Exactly, I would never. Jasper is a fucking idiot." I watched as his jaw tightened, angry?

"Never?" _WTFBBQ?_

"There's a time and a place for everything, look at them now…" He seemed pretty annoyed by the whole ordeal.

"Look at who?" Alice strolled into the kitchen dropping her purse on the counter.

"Nothing," Edward shook his head.

"Oh my wow…" Alice wasted little time in reaching out to grab Edward's arm. It looked less angry than the night before, but the lettering was still raised, swollen.

"See, Alice understands!" Edward stuck his tongue out at me and I couldn't help but laugh. Suppose he was thrilled to have someone not give him shit about it…

"You're going to have to do more than that if you expect to get an _oh my wow _out of me," I remarked…

"I'll put you on the spin cycle…" His brows danced, now he was just fucking with me while poking fun at Alice.

"Shut up," Alice squealed!

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 22 - Tortured Forever**

Thanks for dropping by!

.

.

**If you're looking for new reading material - check out some of my favorites. TeamBella23 has some pretty dysfunctional characters, which are exactly the type I like to work and dabble with. I've been working my way down her list. Her story _True Love Way_ has me intrigued; bonus - it frequently updates.  
**

**I started reading _The Secret Changes within Bella Swan_ by SwedenSara last night. I'm up to chapter eight, if you're married you can definitely relate on some level. I'm in love already!**

**His Singer1 writes poetry and often, listed under Compositions.**

**Smoochies for Jansails! I haven't read Wired yet, but I will. **

**Thanks to; TheWaywardPushers for giving me the push I needed. Project Team Beta for working to help me with my grammar issues; and Filia1990 for directing me to them. ****Thank you for all of the support and feedback. **

**Oh and I also wrote a cluster-fuck called The Hideaway. It's a quick read and I'm thinking about chapter two.**

**I'm also on twitter - Taintedvile. Follow me, I'll follow you. We'll be interwebz friends. *Big cheesy smile***


	23. Chapter 23 Tortured Life

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 23 - Tortured Life**

.

.

Quiet lies beneath the blue moon

Couldn't say much less now could you?

It's on your mind, it's in your eyes

But you disguise it, you're so charming

If it's not me you need

To sleep beside

If I'm not the thought

That's always on your mind

If I'm not the reason why

You dream at night

The love you'd never lose

Who am I to you?

I'm awake but you're still sleeping

Like some secret you've been keeping

You're hard to see

Mystery

Soon the sun will come and save you

If it's not me you need

To sleep beside

If I'm not the thought

That's always on your mind

If I'm not the reason why

You dream at night

The love you'd never lose

Who am I to you?

I feel locked out

My head's so conflicted

Everything I am I've contradicted

I'm so caught up but I can't let you go

I need to know

I need to know

If it's not me you need

To sleep beside

If I'm not the thought

That's always on your mind

If it's not me you need

To sleep beside

If I'm not the thought

That's always on your mind

If I'm not the reason why

You dream at night

The love you'd never lose

Who am I to you?

(Schuyler Fisk - Who am I to you?)

.

.

When Elizabeth makes it home from her appointment, Alice and I are lounging in the den watching music videos…

She drops off a bag of groceries on the island counter and immediately calls me into the kitchen, using the same grumpy tone she used this morning. I mouth the word _bitch_ to Alice and make motion with my hands that I want to strangle her.

Alice tries to hold her composure as I lazily stride into the kitchen. I don't want to do this…

"Did you clean your room?"

"Most of it," I exhale, somewhat honest.

"Bella, I thought we had an agreement? You need to tell Alice to leave, now!" Her tone wasn't as abrasive in comparison to how she was unpacking the groceries. Her hands shifting in quick fluid angry motions as she stuffs the cupboards full before slamming their doors.

"I cleaned my room and I stayed in, just like you said…" I made a weak attempt to defend myself.

"Grounded means no friends over and you haven't finished cleaning your room." She huffs into the cabinetry, not missing a beat. I stood there silent watching her continue to race around the kitchen. It had to get better eventually, right? She couldn't wander around like a crazed loon until Edwards return…?

"Did you not hear me? Alice needs to go home." I quickly realize I can't reason with crazy.

"Tell her yourself. I'm not grounded."

"Alice," she races across the kitchen and calls her out with a pointed arm. "You need to go…" Of course Alice complies and I'm left baffled. Mostly because I honestly didn't think Elizabeth had it in her. She sees Alice out and then saunters past me practically doing a victory dance…

"There," she exclaims as she moves to wash her hands in the sink.

"That felt good didn't it," crashes from my mouth. I can't help but mock, mirroring her attitude.

"Call my dad, he'll tell you I'm not grounded. I'll call him," I insist.

"No, I'm calling him… What is wrong with you?" She interrupts me with her screaming, suddenly she's a lot more angry and I have an immediate urge to ask her the same fucking question; clueless and almost afraid. I've never seen her this angry, ever!

She moves to the window and pulls back the sheer curtain, redirecting my attention as she gets a better look for herself. Now I can finally see what she's already seen. Jasper is about to get in Alice's car.

"You are grounded!" She storms past me to reach for the phone. At this point, realizing I'm fucked… I retreat. My mind is racing while my heart nearly beats out of my chest. I can't think of a plausible excuse for Jasper being out there other than coincidence. I'm almost certain he caught her eye when he crossed the yard to get into Alice's car. Immediately I want to call Edward for a feasible lie, but I know Elizabeth is tying up the line ratting me out to Charlie.

I wait at the window, hoping now that Jasper is gone… _Come to the window_… I chant over and over again in my head. _Fuck!_

.

.

_Grounded, for the love of Edward._

.

.

Charlie makes it home in time for dinner and I haven't seen or heard from Edward since early this afternoon, which is really pissing me off.

This is all his fucking mess and I get to pay for it. Yeah, I've had quite a few hours to think about it…

When Charlie interrogates me, I push the point that Jasper is Alice's boyfriend and I wouldn't have let them… It wasn't a free for all like they're assuming. Jasper never even came inside the fucking house, but there was no way to explain it away without telling the truth.

I'm grounded until further notice _again_, I've never felt so ganged up on before. At least when Edward lived here he provided distraction, and even if they wouldn't listen to him at least someone was on my side. Now Edward was on the other side; on his own.

I corner Charlie later in the evening, trying to weigh how long this until further notice is. A week, maybe two? I ask about the weekend knowing I'm pushing it. I figure we can hopefully come to a compromise and meet in the middle. It's summer, he can't ground me for the entire summer.

"When I feel you're responsible enough… Have you finished filling out any of the college applications I've been giving you?"

"It's my life. I'll figure it out…" I nod with certainty. Truthfully I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. I just know _life _doesn't begin _here_.

"You're running out of time," Charlie chastises and it's expected.

"So if I fill out a few college applications; you'll let me go out this weekend?" I try to barter. He doesn't appear satisfied with my answer, yet he takes a moment - breathing excessively loud while he considers my compromise.

"I want at least three," he stares me down. "Completed. That means you write the essays too… Five-hundred words or less doesn't mean two sentences. Use what you're given constructively." Now he appears satisfied. I am so fucked…

"Okay…," I nod slowly. Completely unsure of the answer I'd just given. I don't know much of anything about my future. Now I have to convince someone else on paper that I have a plan that begins and ends with the aid of their instruction.

I always thought I'd go to college, but now I'm not so sure. It seems like the next logical step... I never thought that the questions would be so hard. What do you want to do for a greater part of your life?

I feel like if I'm doing a job that helps others, it might feel less like work. I know I don't want to get into a medical field. Social work… Nah.

I opt to go with business.

_Five hundred words_…

.

.

_Be true to your work, your word, and your friend._

.

.

The house starts lighting up next door; Edward gets home just before eleven. I've spent the past two hours cleaning, or rather packing up my room. I can't get the hell out of here fast enough. My essay consists of two sentences… _When I visited your campus last fall, I knew it was an environment I could thrive and succeed in. I am considering business as my major and your university offers a very challenging but rewarding program. _That's as far as I get in my generic letter I intend to use for all of my applications.

Then I realize after sorting through all of the packets that I'm going to have to go to summer school unless I want to attend community college.

My mood shifts from tears to anger, tears to anger… I'm a fucking basket case.

When the phone rings, I predict it's Edward… But I don't bother to fight Elizabeth for the line. Obviously Edward knows how to find me. This is how it always goes with him and I'm finally starting to see the ugly pattern.

I've officially declared myself the mute of the house, refusing to talk to either of them. I don't really know what I hope to accomplish but talking with them just infuriates me more. I'm seventeen; not twelve. So when Elizabeth calls me to the phone, I completely ignore it. Unsure what my reaction to Edward should be. I'm guessing Alice filled him in that I was grounded… I guess that just means fuck me and not in the literal sense.

_FUCK YOU TOO!_

Just as I've anticipated, Edward finally comes to the damn window. Seeing him I'm a mix of emotions. I'm angry and I feel sick, completely disgusted with his disregard for me.

_You're sleeping? - _He holds his note against the window, it's probably what Elizabeth told him. He's so fucking nonchalant about it all. It's obvious by his expression and mannerisms I'm just supposed to think he's too fucking cute or something.

I dial his number… There must be a really good reason, right?

"Where were you?" I speak slowly, trying to keep a sense of calm when I want to be anything but.

"I caught up with Alice and Jasper at the movies," he tosses out there like it's no big deal. At this point I know it's more than just a movie because a movie doesn't run for over ten hours.

"Did you have a good time?"

"It was okay…," he answers carefully.

"Are you sure about that?"

"I can tell you're upset… but I don't know what I did," he laughs softly - confusion laces his tone.

"Your mom saw Jasper leaving."

"Oh, shit!" Now his demeanor changes entirely…

"It's cool… She thinks I snuck him out the back door here. So you and Jasper can still have an amazing summer." I waste little time in closing the blinds before I quickly hang up on him.

.

.

_First they ignore you, then they laugh at you,_

_then they fight you, and then you win._

.

.

Edward immediately calls back, but I let Elizabeth pick it up and once again I ignore her calls from below… Ruining Edward's night makes me feel better. I know he cares, but that doesn't change the fact that he often acts like a jackass.

I turn off the lights, fully prepared to cry myself to sleep. Highs and lows keep slapping me left and right, I don't even know where to turn anymore.

When I can't sleep, I discreetly peer out the blinds to check up on Edward. In a matter of a few hours, the room has been completely re-arranged and the furniture is covered with sheets. A giant scaffold now takes up majority of the space inside the room.

Edward's lying on his back atop the scaffold and I can't help but scoff, I'm so fucking bitter… He's hand painting the ceiling like he's a fucking Michelangelo or something. Wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt and a pair of black jeans, I can barely make out the bridge of his nose with his hood pulled up. I watch him smear various shades of navy over the ceiling. I'm not really impressed… Still, I can't help but watch.

My mood shifts from angry to merely annoyed and then softens... I miss him so bad already and I hate myself for being so damn weak. I make up all sorts of excuses for him… We've never had too many expectations before. Maybe I'm reliving history and anticipating too much - too soon.

When I sneak out the back door, I'm of the mindset that they can go fuck themselves. What more can they do to me? Ground me? Even that has a guaranteed expiration date, my eighteenth birthday. I couldn't see Charlie sending me away. These were his last opportunities to try to dictate my life, he wouldn't give that away for anything.

As soon as I step foot in the house next door I can feel his energy, the weight is heavy yet immensely comforting. I cross the kitchen into the hall where I take on the steps with great purpose.

I open the office door.

"I'm sorry," _for fucking everything_. I always let my anger get the best of me. It seems to be the only escape from my anxiety. Getting angry provides a rush that makes everything fade to the backdrop and fall silent, even if only for a few moments. I cope by being a bitch.

I cross the floor to close the blinds, already we've made too many mistakes. I stay out of the way, leaning against the covered desk in the far corner.

"I thought I had it all figured out… All I wanted was to be close to you." He speaks softly, treating me like a cornered wild animal. It makes me afraid, not of him but what he thinks I've become. I'm not that unpredictable - not in comparison to him. Slowly he hops down from the scaffold and inches closer.

"I know," I strain to keep my tone calm and even. I'm not going to cry, or at least I try not to.

"Charlie's pissed?" His eyes lower, gaze shifting to drag across the floor and settle on my bare feet.

"He'll get over it," I insist with a shrug. _Fuck them all._

.

.

_We anticipate what's to come,_

_Then ignore what's actually here._

.

.

Edward orders my college essays online and has them shipped overnight. Charlie is impressed. He better be, considering I even signed up for three summer classes to try to raise my GPA.

By Friday night, I've got plans to go clubbing for the first time ever. Alice says to wear black. So I settle on a short sleeved form fitting v-neck t-shirt, paired with my favorite black hoodie and jeans. Every conversation with Edward turns into him trying to convince me we don't want to go. I'm not surprised when he makes a last attempt on the drive in.

Alice looks a little uncomfortable at the wheel. Immediately I sense that once again everyone knows something I don't.

"Why are we even going there anyway? The place is sort of a dive…" Jasper comments before he turns in the passenger seat; shifting to face Alice. Yet I catch him trading looks with Edward out of the corner of his eye.

"I like the music, quit bitching." Alice spats, never taking her eyes off the road.

We arrive at a bakery and I begin to wonder if Alice has changed her mind. I really wanted to see this club that apparently everyone else has been to.

"Donut stop?" I question as we step out onto the sidewalk.

"We're here," Alice takes me by the hand. We cut off into this narrow alley next to the bakery. About a half a block down it opens up to an area littered with dumpsters and a rusty steel door. There's lots of teens dressed in black outside… _This is the club?_

Edward puts his arm around me and pulls me to lean against the building with him. He keeps raising his free hand to run along his jaw. I sense he's uncomfortable, his arm tightens each time someone in the crowd greets him.

Alice and Jasper run off to socialize, Edward holds me back.

"Why don't you want me here?" I ask in a whisper.

"It's not a place I would ever take you to. You don't belong here." So much for telling me anything I want to know…

"Guess I'll see for myself," I quip irritated with his attitude.

"Yeah," he takes his arm back and crosses them over his chest.

The back door opens and immediately everyone starts lining up. A lot of these people I've never seen before, city kids. I recognize a few from school; mostly peers I've barely interacted with.

I'm confident with my decision to get in line until Mike and Tanya show up, cutting the line as they join up with a few friends. The last two people I'd want to spend my Friday night with. I take that back, the only thing worse would be being stuck at home with Charlie and Elizabeth.

I feel a hand at my back before Edward appears at my side. "You don't have to go in there," he offers.

The bouncer is searching bags and the line is moving fairly quickly to get inside. Before I know it, I'm next. Since I don't have a bag or a purse Edward and I are waved inside.

"Bella…" I'm going in completely blind. The hall is painted black and faintly lit by multi-colored Christmas lights wrapped around the ceiling. It opens up to a larger area, again the ceiling, walls, and floor are all painted black. The only light in the club comes from a few stage lights and the seating area on the far wall.

Edward catches up with me and steers us toward a red leather booth. A few sit in booths, but most are on the dance floor waiting in the dark at the stage. Alice and Jasper find us and slide into the booth just as the bouncer that led us in takes the stage. He announces zombie something or other couldn't make it but so and so DJ is there… There's some booing from the crowd, but once the music cuts in those on the dance floor start bouncing.

Everyone at the table is quiet, until Jasper leaves to get us drinks and Alice starts gushing about all of these local bands that supposedly play here. A few sound familiar and I realize it's probably because Edward owns their t-shirts. Edward looks completely appalled to be here and even slouches in the booth for added measure. I get he's miserable, I just can't figure out why…

Jasper comes back with an assortment of Snapple flavors. I grab the strawberry kiwi flavor, disappointed that it isn't an alcoholic beverage. I could really use a drink about now.

Alice wastes little time in dragging Jasper onto the dance floor. I decide I'm not going to sit and watch Edward sulk, I climb over him to leave and he catches my wrist as I'm about to walk off.

"Trust me," he speaks as if I'm being a naïve nuisance.

"Come join me," I offer. He releases my wrist before dropping his hands to fall on the table in front of him. I wait, but now he won't even look at me.

"Well… I'm here to have fun," I can't help but laugh at his pettiness before fleeing toward the dance floor, tired of the games.

.

.

_I'll try anything once -_

_Twice if I like it._

.

.

I have a hard time finding Alice and Jasper. There's so many people bouncing in every direction I turn, that my view is constantly being obstructed. I weave my way around the dance floor and end up exactly where I started. Not having found either of them.

I spot Edward eyeing my direction from the booth and decide to sort of bounce around with the crowd and fake it. Pretend I'm comfortable dancing, knowing Tanya and Mike are in the mix somewhere. I don't even like to dance in public, mainly because I don't really know how.

My only comfort is the dark. I can't tell what the fuck anyone is doing aside from watching shadows of heads popping up, so I feel pretty secure in my inabilities. They all look like pretty shitty dancers from my view.

I spin around a few times and when I check for Edward, the booth is empty. I weave through the crowd, trying to find anyone I came with. After a second failed attempt, I pause in my efforts - starting to panic.

"I'm here," I recognize Edward's voice from behind. Before I can turn to face him, he sweeps me up and locks me into a bear hug. The stubble on his cheek brushes along my jaw as his erratic breathing fills my ear, drowning out the music.

"I'm fine," I insist. _Now that you're here_.

"You won't find them," he scoffs in a heavy breath against the side of my head.

"You found me," I note. I haven't bothered to fight his hold on me even with him keeping my arms pinned, afraid I'd lose him to the dark if he ever let me go. I can tell he's still not really happy, but it feels good to have his arms wrapped around me.

He unzips my jacket and slowly slips a hand inside. Wasting little time in feeling his way around, he starts at my waist, his hand rises to run over my ribs and continues to climb higher. The room is so dark; adding to my confusion - one mixed signal to the next…

"Edward," _I don't know what the hell you're doing… _I feel his lips on my neck and the sensation is magnified by the desperate gasping breaths he's taking. It doesn't quite feel right, but it's an improvement.

His hand comes up to cover my breast… What was seemingly pleasant, quickly shifts when he uses that hold to roughly thrust me back into him. I feel his arousal at my back and then his teeth are grazing at the curve of my neck as his lips tug in a series of harsh heated kisses. Hard enough that I know he's intentionally trying to leave a mark.

"Edward," I scold! I try to walk off, but each time he thrusts me back into him and every time we connect it feels like I've been shoved against a brick wall. There's nothing magnetic about it, Edward's angry.

"You're hurting me," I whimper.

"Look around you Bella," there's an echo in his voice that makes him sound so distant and unfamiliar; cold. I look around, but I'm not seeing anything new - _bouncing shadows_.

"And?" I huff, irritated. My feet come out from under me as Edward abruptly starts leading from behind. Floating in his tight grip, he's taken me to a different hall on the far side of the stage. I didn't see the door until Edward spun me around, using his shoulder to push our way in. The immediate flood of bright white fluorescent light was momentarily blinding.

"Look," he exclaims! We're in a bathroom. When he gyrates at my back again I catch a glimpse of us in the mirror above the sink, _bouncing_…

"Edward?" Jasper groans from a bathroom stall, not three feet away. I'm confused, my mouth is agape and I can't stop staring at us in the mirror. I feel his hand at my back before he quickly shoves me to fold over his other arm. From this angle all of my blood starts rushing to my head, but I can see under the stall. Jasper's pants are around his ankles, he's facing the toilet…

"Edward," I growl. Seconds later I catch a glimpse of Alice's heels dropping… then raising; bobbing at Jasper's knees.

"I get it, enough!" I fight, tearing myself out of his hold. He tries to grab me, but I manage to stumble from his reach. Immediately he moves to block the door, breathing like he just finished running a marathon.

"Bella," Alice's tone comes breathy but concerned.

"I'm fine," I seethe - shoulder checking Edward in order to push my way back out into the darkness. I can't see shit, but I'm moving fast. There's a few grunts on the dance floor as I force my way toward the Christmas lights mounted on the ceiling at the opposite side of the room. My ticket out of here.

I hurl myself back out into the alley to find there's a few kids smoking outside. The bouncer is back outside, now eyeing me suspiciously. I'm well aware my exit was sudden and awkward.

I start walking down the alley to escape their stares. Realistically, my only other option is to wait at the car. I can't call Charlie, I won't call Charlie.

I sit on the hood of Alice's car, setting off the car alarm. I'm ready to go home.

.

.

_Love is like truth._

_Sometimes it prevails…_

_And other times it hurts like hell._

.

.

Edward comes out of the alley to stand on the sidewalk. Neither of us have anything to say apparently. He's got shame written all over him and I find it hard to believe Edward is as innocent as he claims. On the same token, that doesn't even matter. I can't comprehend why he wouldn't want to do _that_ with me. He didn't have to be such a dick about it. We could have had fun, instead he goes out of his way to try to embarrass me and ruin my fucking night.

Ten or so minutes later, Alice and Jasper come out to the car. The ride home is awkward and silent. Every so often Jasper reaches out to touch Alice and I can't help but roll my eyes before deciding to stare out my window. My perception of Alice has completely changed. I always thought she was classier than that. I wouldn't consider fucking in a public bathroom an upgrade from the spin cycle in Rosalie's laundry room.

Alice lets us off on the corner. I don't want to go home, but I don't know what to say to Edward. My mind is made up when Edward catches up with me on the sidewalk and leads me through the neighbors yard to cut around to his back door.

We get inside and it's a face off in the kitchen, deciding I really need that drink. I break the monotony by opening his fridge.

"My actions were uncalled for. It was a horrible way to try to prove a point," he throws a half assed apology out on the table with a shake of his head.

"Point?" I come away with a beer and close the door with my foot as Edward reaches for one. His reaction is to punish the fridge, angrily tearing the door open again.

"Points, let's see… I was having a good time until you had to go and be a dick. You remind me everyone else is fucking, except for us. The last time you went, you were probably with Tanya… Are there any other points I missed?"

"I respect you."

"The hell you do."

"They all show up to buy or sell drugs and get their rocks off. You're better than that," he insists.

"I just want to fit in somewhere… Fuck, Alice is even a regular," rolls off my tongue. I take my beer and head out into the den, selecting the chair so Edward can't sit next to me.

"You fit in, right here…" Edward grins, having successfully hopped into the chair to squish me. Being all cute… Reeling me back in - right where he wants me. I know I can't quit him. Nor have I come to the conclusion that I'd be better off _alone_.

"Bella, I've been thinking..." I waited, impatient as ever when he started stammering and blinking like he had dust blown in his eyes. I wasn't sure if he'd ever spit out what he wanted to say.

"Why me?" He asks, his tone laced with caution… I couldn't help but laugh at the insanity of it all. We were going back there, really - again?

"I don't know Edward, why me?" I retort quickly, annoyed and smooshed.

"Every memory I have is with you." He exhales sharply…

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 23 - Tortured Life**

Thanks for dropping by!


	24. Chapter 24 Tortured Spin

"**Boy next door…"**

Thank you for taking the time to read and review my madness.

Are you ready for a spin?

Great!

Hold on tight!

.

.

.

**~Chapter 24 - Tortured Spin**

.

.

She said call me now baby, I'd come running

She said call me now baby, I'd come running

If you call me now baby, I'd come running

I'm on call to be there, one and all to be there

When I fall to pieces, no I don't know

I'll be there waiting, to be there, to be there

I'm on call to be there, one and all to be there

When I fall to pieces, no I don't know

I'll be there waiting

I'm gon' brawl, so be there, one for all I'll be there

When they fall to pieces, no I don't know

I'll be there laughing

I'd come a-running

I'd come a-running

I'd come a-running

To be there, to be there

I'm on call to be there

I'm on call to be there

I'm on call to be there

I'm on call to be there

(Kings of Leon - On Call)

.

.

"Dance with me?" He slides his beer bottle to rest on the coffee table as he rolls off of me. "Come on," he extends his hand beckoning for me to get up. I don't know why I even bother to torture myself in all these ways. It's just a dance, it never leads us anywhere except around and around. I take a long swig before leaving my beer bottle on the table beside his. _Time to push start on the spin cycle_.

I take his hand and let him lead me toward the entry where there's more open space. We rock back and forth in silence for a bit; no music playing. Edward catches me off guard and sends me stumbling into a spin. When he reels me back in he's holding me tighter and running his nose through my hair. Holding me so close, he releases that all too familiar sigh and I'm filled with hope.

I hope I'm wearing him down… I'm not sure how much more of this I can stand. I'm constantly craving his touch. Imagining it sends tingles just beneath the surface of my skin. _Want me in all the ways I want you. _Repeats, over and over in my thoughts as if I could possibly send him a subliminal message. _Why doesn't he want me?_

While typically I would think rocking back and forth in silence is stupid. I'd do anything to be this close to him. Nobody holds me like he does, nor comforts. Like a favorite warm soft blanket, he envelopes me. _My best friend_.

"I love you," I confess. Right now nothing else matters, everything feels perfect. Worries erased with a simple touch. _I fit in, right here…_

"I dream of you, my heart beats for you; know that I would do anything to keep you." His voice is soft; but a whisper in a daydream - it flows like a song. When he spins me out again I slip away but he quickly reaches out to take my hands in his.

Extending his arms outward, he reels me back in to come crashing against his chest. I drag my tongue across his smirk fully intending to catch him off guard, but his tongue sweeps mine before I can pull it back and sloppy kisses send my heart racing.

I untangle my fingers from Edwards hands. Locking them behind his neck for leverage to forcibly take more than the soft slow kisses he's torturing me with. His reaction is to reach up and sharply pull away at my arms.

It takes great effort to not appear disappointed when I back off. Sure, we can watch a movie or something… _You're such a little bitch, _chants in the back of my thoughts - frustrated_. _

His hands grip my shoulders and I raise my eyes to meet his. I expect him to form an apology laced with excuses. Instead he starts to remove my hoodie. He makes it as far as my elbows when his chest starts heaving and resolve bubbles to the surface.

I decide for him. No turning back.

Slipping off my jacket, I toss it over the back of the chair. I can sense his backpedal, but fuck it - I'm pushing forward. I cross my arms in front of me, gripping the hem of my shirt in an all or nothing wave of gusto. I raise my arms and tear it away in a quick sweeping movement, just careful enough to not knock him in the nose with an elbow.

"Bella," his voice warns, but it's too late and there's no bra. I'm already showing him my boobs.

He slips off his flannel and when he steps forward I expect him to cover me, like that time he chased me around Mrs. Smith's yard with my dress when I decided to run through her sprinkler in my underwear.

He looks terrified.

.

.

_Intimidated_

_By my sex_

.

.

Surprisingly, he drops his flannel and reaches back to shed his t-shirt. He's tense, I can see it in the veins rising on his chest and running over his arms. I smile, he breathes and then closes his eyes, sealing himself off from me.

We're not even touching and my heart is beating out of my chest. The anticipation leaves me anxious. It's my move and I know I'd better be quick before he changes his mind. I close the small gap, skin on skin. He lowers his head, burying his forehead into my shoulder. I can't tell if he's checking out my rack or getting ready to give me a big let down.

"I want you to," I hum along Edward's ear to encourage him and his breath escapes heavy in a warm wave across my chest. Without warning he sweeps me off my feet, his hands cupping my ass. Unsteady, I wrap my arms around his neck. He buries his face in my neck, kissing and mumbling.

I can't make out the words but when he leads me across the hall, I've pieced together that we're going upstairs. Kissing, stumbling, groping, and laughing - all the way to the top.

We make it to the bedroom and everything stops. There's no touching, just a nervous tension vibrating as soon as Edward closes us in and locks the door. Edward leans against the dresser and kicks off his shoes. I follow his lead and sit on the side of the bed, unlacing my boots.

Apparently I'm too flustered to master unknotting the laces on my own, Edward kneels at my feet to help me. I unbutton my jeans and have them shimmied half way down my hips by the time Edward gets my boots off.

He rises and unfastens his belt buckle. I feel like we're going through the motions. There's nothing sexy or tantalizing about what we're doing and I've fantasized about this moment a hundred times over. So often I'm pretty damn close to having a belt fetish.

_Maybe that ruined it?_

Now it feels so wrong, forced. I want him, I'm just not sure if I want it like this. I thought it would go down in a heated rush, not with patience and precision. It could definitely be less awkward…

With the removal of his jeans, Edward reaches down to peel off his socks. _What the hell are we doing? _

"Lights on or off?" He asks, his voice breaking as he timidly adjusts the waistband on his black boxer briefs.

"Off," _definitely off_. I think he wants them off too? The first time is supposed to be bad anyway, right? I could feel my anxiety levels rising. I want this so badly, yet my warped fucking mind is ruining it. _Fuck!_

_Music? Maybe? _I needed to relax. Is it supposed to be this awkward? Sure we have our awkward moments, but there's a sexual tension - that I'm just not feeling tonight. _What the fuck is wrong with me? _I rise off the bed to stop Edward, but with a flick of a switch I'm left standing in the dark in my underwear, white polka dotted pink boy shorts trimmed in white lace.

I try to regroup my thoughts, now or never… _Right_? Edward finds me in the dark, his grip is firm but warm.

"Breathe Bella," Edward hums, running his hands over my shoulders to caress softly along my back. I settle under his touch, irrational fears slowly drifting away. He pulls me against his chest and I find myself melting into him. So warm and his heart is racing, beating almost as rapidly as mine yet he exudes complete calm. I don't know how the hell he does it.

"You're being such a girl," he comments with a soft chuckle.

In lack of a witty retort. "Shut up," I suggest and his chest quakes with a deeper laughter.

"We don't have to," he leans forward and smiles against my lips before pecking them softly. If he thinks he's won, he hasn't.

"Did you dance with Tanya like that… back there…at the club." I ask? It all came out in a slow mumble. I'm embarrassed, but I had to get it out. _Curiosity killed the cat. _It shouldn't matter, but it bothers me. When he doesn't answer, I pull away.

.

.

Love is the answer,

but while you are waiting for the answer,

sex raises some pretty good questions

.

.

I make it as far as the corner of the bed before Edward seals me in a familiar bear hug from behind. No sound except the harsh and uneven breaths escaping him.

"I could make up a dozen excuses," he breaks the silence. "…but there is no truth because it doesn't even make sense to me. It was always loud angry music. Being numb or sick, don't you get it - I didn't want to be me."

"What was so bad about being Edward," I chastised in the dark.

"Everything," he whispers.

"I try so hard to keep the ugly in the dark, but that's where you store everything beautiful." His lips brush across my shoulder with the same softness of his tone.

"You hide yourself." That sentence really catches me off guard. It's almost as if he's talking about himself, or should be. I don't hide, I ignore. There's a difference.

"Behind baggy clothes, hooded jackets." His hands travel over my breasts to brush against my collar before softly cascading back down to my ribs.

"You're beautiful," he exhales. "And you have great taste in underwear," he throws in and I can't help but laugh a little.

"You always do this to me." Turns it around and makes me laugh; makes me feel foolish. I shouldn't care about Tanya, but I can't help myself - I hate her! _Whore!_

"What?" He asks ignorant, he knows!

"You know," I push. Edward cowers and presses his lips firmly against my shoulder.

"I know," he hums softly against my skin. "I know in your heart - you know me. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I wish I could live this lie forever but it's only a matter of time before you see…" His breathing starts to become erratic and his chest is heaving at my back like it's only a matter of minutes before he'll start to cry. I feel sick for being such a cold bitch.

"I love you. There isn't anything you could tell me that could change that." I lean into him, wishing it would comfort him. When he straightens and lets me go, he releases this little muffled cry - scoff - laugh? His emotions are suddenly all over the place.

"My mother," he chokes.

"Oh?" I ask, cautious. Seconds later I'm squinting and bathing in light. Edward has decided he wants the lights on.

"This is so fucked up," he blurts! His breathing accelerates, his chest starts rising and crashing at hyperventilating speeds.

"It'll be okay..." I try to reassure him, all the while hoping I can stay true to my word. I'm scared.

He snuffs out a few tears on his forearm. When he starts pacing the floor, I corner myself near the bathroom.

"I'm not going to let a bastard come between us!" I didn't know how to respond. Now he's on his knees, hugging my hips as if he were trying to restrain me from kicking his puppy. Appearing so broken and fragile, yet I hadn't a clue what the fuck he was going on about. But it was very apparent my tits were caught in the middle of it all, I had to see past them to get a clear view of his face.

He was showing all the symptoms. The only thing I could do was agree with Joanne's diagnosis. Edward is bi-polar. Highs, lows, compulsiveness; mood swings so intense it's interfering…

"I had it all figured out. I bought," he rises swiftly and moves to open a drawer in his nightstand. He comes back with a small blue velvet jewelry box. "This ring…," he cracks open the box.

"Slow down," I raise my hand to cover the box, afraid to look at it. I meet his gaze; emeralds drowning in sorrow and tears. _Holy fuck_! I don't know what to make of all the emotion streaming down his face. I've never seen Edward so…like this, ever!

"My mother is going to have your father's child some time around Christmas…" he exhales, his tone full of apology. I waste a moment to think back and double check, making sure I heard him correctly. _So much for keeping the ugly in the dark… _

.

.

_THE HORROR!_

.

.

I don't know what to say. I turn away because I can't look at him or the ring and try to figure out what the hell this all means. Elizabeth is having my fathers child. Not once did it ever cross my mind that they'd want more children. _They're old! _They're not even married!

Edward is acting irrational, still groveling at my feet. So close, I can feel the brush of his hair against my back.

"How long have you known?" I ask, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip for some reprieve. Frozen where I stand, knowing there's nowhere to run. _It's all so fucked up…_

I watch Edward swallow hard out of the corner of my eye as he rises. He turns me around to stop short in front of him.

"It's wrong…," I mutter. So wrong! She can't be having a baby! I'm an only child, that's the way it was planned. Edward's an only child for the same reason, I think? _Why? Dear God… _I feel so numb, it's almost an out of body experience. I'm looking around trying to get a grip on reality - but this can't be my life. _Is he going to propose? Was that a proposal?_

"That kid is going to be screwed up anyway Bella. Listen to me… " His lips were moving but I couldn't hear anything, _no sound_. The walls were closing in on me. It wasn't until I started feeling dizzy that I realized I had been trembling… Or perhaps that was Edward shaking me on the way down to the floor. My legs were useless, I couldn't find my voice… The room darkened around the edges, creeping until the blackness completely clouded my vision.

I wake to bright lights and people wearing masks, like doctors? It's a nightmare. I try to scream, but there's only one sound. My heart beating against my ears, drumming so loud it's painful. I feel a sharp stab in my arm, the room frays black around the edges… A pen light hits my eyes but it's quickly swallowed by the blackness.

When I come to again, I'm exhausted and everything is blurry around the edges. I'm pretty sure I'm dead, when a pen light blinds my left and then my right eye. Squinting, I try to make sense of everything.

"Bella, can you hear me? Do you know who I am?" The voice echoing off the stark white walls sounds familiar.

"Dr. C?" I respond, but it escapes in a barely audible raspy whisper. My mouth is so dry.

"Bella!" _It's Edward_. When his head blurs into my line of vision I try to focus.

"I'm thirsty," I whimper.

As my vision clears I realize I'm in a hospital bed, Elizabeth and Charlie are here too?

"Thanks," I shakily take the offered cup of water from Charlie. Edward is leaning over the guardrail at the side of the bed, tattoo in plain view. I wet my tongue but have a hard time swallowing.

"Bella, you fainted a few times and we thought it best to sedate you. You'll be groggy for awhile. Aside from that, how are you feeling right now?" Everything shuffles on rewind as I try to find the right answer.

.

.

_Numb_

_Done with the old me_

.

.

"I'm okay," I lie. I get released and quickly learn I was brought in by ambulance in nothing but my underwear. So I get to wear this fabulous hospital gown home. I also get to face Charlie, knowing he knows I was prancing around in my underwear as life as I knew it - had come crashing down. I cursed Edward with my stare on the car ride home.

We make a stop so Charlie can pick up my prescriptions and then we head home. Edward comes inside with us and for that I feel a small sense of relief. I don't know which side is up, exhausted emotionally and physically.

They help me get seated on the couch and then circle around me like a bunch of vultures. Charlie places several pills in my hand as Elizabeth comes around to rest a glass of water on the coffee table. Edward sits beside me, frigid and silent. He hasn't said a word since we left the hospital.

I open my palm and look over the pills in my hand. I recognize them by size, shape, and color. My old prescriptions…

"I said I was fine." I reach forward to put the pills on the coffee table, but Edward catches my fist.

"Please, take them." There's this eerie pain in his voice, it comes out sounding hollow yet strained.

"Are you serious? I find out we're going to have a shared sibling and I can't flip out," I hesitate to continue when Charlie starts looking a little pale.

"What have I always said about you…" Charlie growls and shakes his fist at Edward, the color rising back into his face until it's an unpleasant shade of angry red.

"You attract the kind of attention you deserve," Edward states flatly. I don't know whether to jump in front of Edward or get the hell out of the way. I'm expecting Charlie to throttle him and I only have a few seconds to decide.

"What?" Elizabeth steps into the argument and Charlie backs up.

"I was going to tell her, it wasn't his place! Did you know he was next door?"

"No!" Elizabeth stands firm.

"How the hell… This ends tonight! This thing with Edward ends now!" Charlie puts his foot down, _again_. "Think of the embarrassment and shame… What would it do to our family?"

"You're the reason we're in this predicament," I groan. He failed me, so fucking bad. I wasn't going to cry. Too angry for tears. He was going to be someone else's dad…

"There is no predicament, it'll be okay if you two…" He's talking, but I can't stop staring at Elizabeth. Looking for the signs of a swollen belly, this can't be real. The only symptom of pregnancy her bitch-tastic attitude as of late, if that's even a symptom.

"Go to Belize," Edward startles my attention. "We'll ride down the coast to where the water is bluer than the skies. Come with me?" Edward asks as if we're the only pair left in the room. Bold and confident.

"Edward, eventually you're going to have to accept that we're together. Charlie isn't going anywhere," Elizabeth tries to coax Edward in that familiar sugary sweet tone.

"I've accepted it. It's time to move on, don't you think? Come away with me Bella…" His eyes never break from mine. He's not answering her, he's asking me. _Just us._

"She's not going anywhere with you!" Charlie seethes.

.

.

_I want to hold the hand inside you;_

_I want to take a breath that's true_

_Fade into you._

.

.

Elizabeth pulls Charlie off into the kitchen. He's so loud we can hear everything being said. They're arguing over Edward's decision to stay the night. Sure he could go next door, but that would require Elizabeth kicking Edward out. While she may have had the balls when it came to Alice, I knew she would never turn Edward away. She's a good mother, my mother could never do what Charlie is expecting - not for anything in the world.

Edward scoops the pills from the table into his palm and looks them over…

"I'll be okay," I insist. _Whatever the fuck okay means anymore_.

"I've never been more terrified in my life. I can't lose you." He breathes into my hair, brushing his lips along the side of my head.

"I ruined summer…" I suck. Numb, I curl up into his side after tucking my feet up under me. Comforted and groggy, it's becoming a fight to keep my eyes open. I close my eyes and imagine we're driving down the coast. Belize - It sounded pretty.

"Yeah? I'm more fucked up than I let on," he notes as if he could possibly one-up what I had done. It was going to be a long fucking summer.

"I know," I nuzzle sinking to fit perfectly in the nook of his arm. He laughs softly, brushing his nose over the top of my head before releasing that familiar sigh…

"I love you," I murmur.

"The first time I looked into your eyes, I knew you were my forever. Sleep Bella, I'll be here… I promise." His words were soft and his fingers gentle as they stroked through my hair. Comforting, similar to the way my mother used to…

It wasn't long before I drifted away.

.

.

_Ambitions:_

_Wake up_

_Breathe_

_Keep breathing_

.

.

I wake to Edward breathing softly beside me, my legs tingle with pins from the lack of circulation after being trapped under me for too long. I raise my head to look around. The television screen has gone blue. The house is silent, _just us_.

I slip out from under Edwards heavy arm and move to stand slowly. My feet feel like dead heavy stumps, so numb. I lean to touch the coffee table for balance when Edward snaps up and grabs my wrist, successfully scaring the shit out of me. When my heart finishes skipping a few beats, I laugh softly in a long exhale. My legs are a mix of fire and ice, regaining sensation.

I turn to meet Edward's gaze and he's looking over his shoulder, just as I had done. It's eerily quiet. _No supervision? _It seems really strange, but I'm not complaining. Rather waiting for them to jump out from behind the curtains or something.

I can't help but smile when he meets my stare. He takes my wrist, pulling me to sink back down into the couch with him. There's no protest when you've got legs made of jell-o. Edward smirks against my lips when I land right in his lap.

"So when they catch us it's all my fault. That damned Bella always ravaging Edward," I protest.

"Fine, I'll be on top." With a wave of his eyebrows I find myself flipped over and thrown onto the couch beside him. He rolls over to kneel and crawls up with steady arms, stopping at my shoulders. "And he only calls you damned when you're with me." Sometimes Charlie could say some harsh things…

"Then I'll be damned," I quip.

"I hate you for making me want you so much," he notes in an entirely teasing tone. "Since I'm going to hell…," his lips smile against mine in case I haven't figured it out. This is Edward, the boy. Soft lips, feathery kisses, bittersweet fervor. "I'm going to need an angel in my favor," he finishes with a soft brush of kisses.

The stubble on his face grazes along my cheek as he breathes his way to my neck. "You're my angel," his tone - a soft wavering whisper. He inhales sharply, then I feel the press of his lips, firm just behind my ear.

I refrain from saying something stupid like: you really believe that? I'm your angel?

I can feel the weight of his fears quivering in the heat of his lips before it sinks in under my skin. I see glimpses of the haunted tortured boy.

_He better think I'm an angel, I forgive him enough._

The cute and witty banter dies when Edward settles his weight upon me, clingy. I run my fingers through his hair stopping at the back of his neck. He exhales slowly, relaxing under my touch.

I close my eyes, drifting back to a time when we had a sense of normalcy. When we were just a couple of crazy kids. No tragedy, no angst, no hurt, no pills or prescriptions. Fearless, naïve, and sheltered. Our parents weren't procreating and the world was a beautiful place we took for granted.

.

.

Long days shared smiling and laughing,

even under gray skies.

.

.

I couldn't remember falling asleep, but the clanking of pans in the kitchen had us both leaping up from the couch. Charlie stood at the far end of the couch giving us an evil stare before turning to join Elizabeth in the kitchen.

It was early, breakfast. Edward moved to sit in the chair, running his hands over his face to brush away the sleep. I was wide awake and frozen with dread, Charlie's stare had shaken me to the core.

The chill at my back reminded me my ass was hanging out; still wearing the over starched hospital gown. Yet I couldn't move. I didn't know which direction to turn anymore. I just wanted to curl up in a corner and scream or cry, as if the tears could erase away at the mess…

"You should get dressed," Edward notes, slipping a finger inside the medical bracelet on my wrist. I nod, but it takes a push from Edward to get me moving; he led me to the stairs. When I reached the top of the banister, he started moving toward the kitchen; better him than me…

I could faintly hear Charlie bitching through the floor. I put on a tank top and a pair of cotton shorts, comfortable. Not like I'd be going anywhere today anyway, it was safe to assume I was grounded.

There was a sudden knock at the door, maybe the neighbors heard the shouting? After a short pause of silence, Edward starts shouting. I thought it best to join them. I didn't want to, but I would.

I turn the corner and Edward and Charlie are shouting from opposite ends of the kitchen island. Elizabeth is caught in the middle and she's a sobbing mess. I try to make out what they are arguing about, because for once - they're not talking about me as if I'm not in the room. Well, until…

"I bought it for Bella!"

"Great excuse, use your daughter. Bravo!" Edward growls.

"I did, believe what you want." Charlie moves to comfort Elizabeth.

"You hurt her and I'll kill you…" Edward seethes, slamming his hands on the counter.

"Edward," Elizabeth scolds, drying her eyes with her hands.

"..Hey! I didn't knock anyone up!"

"Edward!" Elizabeth shouts. I know that feeling - caught in the middle and you want it to stop, but how?

"Yet or that you know of," Charlie spats before clenching his jaw, all the while shaking his head.

"Oh, go fuck yourself old man!" Edward hisses, pushing off the counter.

"Edward," Elizabeth scolds her voice quieter, yet more stern the second time.

"He treats me like a piece of shit and you let him."

"I don't treat you anything, you attract.." Charlie starts into Edward.

"What I deserve," Edward finishes.

"You really said that to him?" Elizabeth looks at Charlie in disbelief.

"When he's higher than a kite and I'm the one that gets to pick him up… I was furious and he called me a dick!" Charlie argues his side, trying to defend himself.

"I said you didn't have to be a dick. I might have been fucked up but give me a little credit."

"Edward.." Elizabeth scolds in a calming tone this time. She didn't like being caught in the middle, nor did I. She didn't want to hurt anyone, not even me. It was interesting watching her try every trick in the book to end an argument without telling them to fuck off...

Fuck off works, it's an instant win to an argument.

"You think I wanted to pick you up? To see you hurting yourself like that?" Charlie I assume sensing Elizabeth's tension, tries to diffuse Edward by dropping the level of his tone a few notches.

"Yeah it really hurt you," Edward notes in a sarcastic tone.

"If you didn't have your head so far up your ass," Charlie hesitated when he said ass, it's not often he curses with ladies present. All of his swears come out sounding funny, with different yet familiar accents each time. It's a fight to not laugh. "You would have seen what it was doing to your mother, and to Bella." He finishes and I'm thankful he didn't say ass again, sometimes he gets on a roll.

"You didn't even tell Bella. What, do you think we don't talk?" Edward scoffs and Charlie is thinking the worst. Thinking of all the things I could only _wish_ Edward and I were doing. We've been caught in a few unflattering positions too often.

"She couldn't handle anymore hurt or disappointment. If last night didn't open your eyes to that, nothing will. The boys at the station still ask me where my Saturday night date is." Charlie yells in an exasperated breath.

"Yeah - For once, I'm not the disappointment. And we haven't had a Saturday night date in a long time."

"Yet. You're just a puppy and we all know it's only a matter of time before you run off and piss yourself in a corner again." Funny accent and all, Charlie's words stung - even me. Edward didn't deserve that.

"Who's this we? Do you believe this garbage?" Edward shakes his head at his mother before he starts looking around, our eyes meet. His stare is so fierce and his eyes are marked with a wild mix of emotions.

"I told you I'd never make that mistake again, give me a another chance." Edward exhales.

"I know Edward. I want to believe you," Elizabeth hums softly.

"Bella believes in me even when I don't give her much reason to," he admits flatly, distracted.

"Exactly Edward, stop before you hurt her," Charlie tries to reason.

.

.

_It's hard to determine where to draw the line between_

_Being nice and not hurting someone's feelings_

_And standing up for what you believe._

.

.

I cross the hall and step up to bat. Except I choke and freeze in my tracks when I spot Edward's painting leaning against the fridge. I quickly connect the dots, that's what Charlie bought _for me_. The knock - a delivery?

"Bella.." My name leaves Charlie's lips in a startle laced with concern. How long had I been listening? Long enough…

"Edward has a brilliant beautiful mind, he's very talented. If that painting doesn't open your eyes, nothing will." I mimic Charlie's sentiments, giving myself away.

"I'm sorry, you didn't have to hear that." Charlie's apology sucks, it's a good thing most of us are forgiving. I understand why he's upset, he is my dad. But I still hold hope that I can make him see Edward isn't all too different from him. Aside from being much younger, a lot cooler, and totally fucking hot to boot.

I don't care if Edward becomes my step-brother or that we're going to have a shared sibling. One day I'm going to sleep with him like lovers do, even if that means growing the nerve to rape him. Soon, I hope. I'm pretty close to snapping, almost there…

After a pause far longer than necessary… I didn't realize I was ogling Edward until his head started bobbing in a soft nod for me to continue.

"Smart, compassionate, and loyal… No matter how much I push him away - he's persistent." I'm having a conversation with Charlie, but I can't help but look over at Edward. He hates talking about his mistakes because he sincerely regrets them. He's better than all of that now - but all of Charlie's hateful words still ring true in his ears. I'm staring down Edward wishing I could kiss and caress away everything that pains him - my only available tool with Charlie present is words.

"I don't hate Edward," Charlie reminds us - _again_.

"He makes a fool of himself all of the time for my benefit and has proven chivalry isn't dead, even when I find it silly. He has values I can't comprehend. He listens; he's the only person that ever really listens to me anymore," I admit during our _family therapy_. With all of the shouting, I anticipate the next session will take place in Joanne's office.

"I listen," Charlie interrupts.

"Compliments me when I feel the least deserving. He has a great sense of humor, drive and spontaneity." Edward has a lot of good qualities, more than enough to make up for the few shitty ones. I could go on and on..

"Like that tattoo?" Charlie shakes his head.

"Listen," Edward scoffs, annoyed with Charlie's interruptions. I've learned to ignore his interruptions.

"Edward reminds me to breathe when I'm not of any use to myself." That hits Charlie harder than I anticipate, but it's not as if there weren't warnings. Signs signaling that Edward has been my rock.

"I've spent more than half of my life with him. Don't try to tell me that I don't know him or that I'm young and naïve. That there's someone better. Nobody else can measure up to a decade worth of memories, most of them beautiful.." _Nobody._

"I blame your mother, I warned…" Charlie starts then quickly closes his mouth. _Listen_…

"You still love mom and I love her too. But she's dead - so what can you do?" I speak of acceptance.

"Bella…" Charlie's tone wavers, emotion bubbling under the surface.

"Morning sickness," Elizabeth whimpers before fleeing toward the bathroom. I winced and a shiver traced my spine at the thought of vomit. _Yucky!_

"You're consumed with guilt and blaming me is easy. What can I say or do? I'm seventeen, I'll never forget because you constantly remind me!" Charlie closes the space between us.

"I want you to be happy, but not at the expense of my own. So be happy that I have Edward. I'm going to be with him." Even if that means waiting a summer, we've waited longer than that. _Too long! _I expect Charlie to lash into me, I'm grounded anyway - might as well say what I want? He doesn't _really_ listen anyway…

"Your mother is probably tossing in her grave. Angry with me, not you." He speaks in a whisper, but I'm fairly certain Edward can hear him. I don't know why he's whispering, my only guess is that he's near tears and choked up.

"Nah, mom loved babies. She just didn't think she could love anyone more than me. What can I say? I was kind of a big deal to her." I quip, deciding to lighten the mood and try to weasel my way off his shit list...

"You're a big deal to me baby girl, always will be." His arms come crashing around me, his chest is quaking against mine. I wanted his mercy, but he's become a sobbing mess. In front of Edward to boot, which is so unlike him.

_I think he needs therapy more than I do. _

"Grease fire!" Edward calls out as he rushes over to the stove. He drops a lid over the bacon burning in the frying pan, successfully dousing the wild flames. _Breakfast is overrated anyway_…

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 24 - Tortured Spin**

Thanks for dropping by!

.

.

You can find me on twitter - Taintedvile.

Currently reading: The Red Line by WinndSinger. I'm up to chapter 18 of 40, it's a completed fic. HOT! HOT! HOT!


	25. Chapter 25 Tortured Reason

"**Boy next door…"**

It's been awhile, I apologize. Having to write a eulogy for someone you thought was invincible kind of fucks with the creative mojo. I appreciate all of the love and concern.

I have more readers than reviews and that's cool with me, really cool actually. I personally suck at reviews myself, but I do love to read. Thank you for adding me to your favorites. I don't reply to everything, please don't take offense. It's nothing personal - I also suck at time management.

Every once in awhile I get nominated for something and I have no idea why. Seriously, why? Thank you for thinking of me. This time it's the hidden gem award if I remember correctly twinklingswfa (dot) blogspot (dot) com. I'm asking you to vote for the story below mine McFearless by TeamBella23. I love her stories (especially McFearless) you can find them in my favorites. She puts a lot more (a hell of a lot more) into this than I do and helps many others in the FF community; dedication like that deserves recognition - and she's been nominated for that award too! Most dedicated - and she is! Hurry up and vote, I think it ends soon on Jan. 31st? - I suck at time management…

.

.

.

**~Chapter 25 - Tortured Reason**

.

.

Night, Lift up the shades

Let in the brilliant light of morning

But steady there now

For I am weak and starving for mercy

Sleep has left me alone

To carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong

It's all I can do to hang on

To keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be

A simpleton could see

That you're no good for me

But you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool,

Set me on fire and watched as I floundered

Unable to speak

Except to cry out

And wait for your answer

But you come around in your time

Speaking of fabulous places

Create an oasis

Dries up as soon as you're gone

You leave me here burning

In this desert without you

How stupid could I be

A simpleton could see

That you're no good for me

But you're the only one I see

Everything changes

Everything falls apart

Can't stop to feel myself losing control

But deep in my senses I know

How stupid could I be

A simpleton could see

That you're no good for me

But you're the only one I see

How stupid could I be

A simpleton could see

That you're no good for me

But you're the only one I see

(Sarah McLachlan - Stupid)

.

.

We've all been going to therapy, consistently. Joanne is a strong woman. I think I would have given up on us by now if I were her. We're making slow progress but Charlie seems to be doing better.

He was ready to move on before I was. Always putting on that brave face for me. We've all come to recognize he's still not over my mother and he's absolutely terrified about becoming a father again. Not that I can blame him, I've been sort of a handful. It's interesting - the curves life can throw at you. Just when Elizabeth and Charlie started suffering from empty nest syndrome, the tide changes.

I've been busy with classes. Keeping true to my word, but mostly to appease Charlie. I spend four hours every weekday away from Edward. Which isn't too bad. It's better than sitting at home listening to Elizabeth puke her guts out. I threw up once after listening to her gag for two hours solid and that put me under the parental microscope. I now get the Depo-Provera shot and even though Edward's junk hasn't been anywhere near my flower since my last cycle, I'm forced to take a pregnancy test in Joanne's office to appease them. It's better than going to a _real_ _doctor_, which was their threat.

Edward was entirely amused. I come out of the bathroom and everyone is waiting for the results. I know it's negative, he knows it's negative. _Is it a girl or a boy_, he asks. It had me shaking my head and of course got Charlie all riled up. Elizabeth doesn't say too much lately, she's either too busy puking or trying not to puke. It was pretty funny watching everyone touch a stick I peed on, they're so gross. Charlie was surprised to see the negative results, especially after Edward's comment. Does he think I'm stupid? Elizabeth could provide birth control to thousands. All we need to do is post a day in her life on you-tube.

I pity her. I'm not quite sure how I feel about having a sibling. It doesn't matter what I think, it's not like I could change anything. This is life, like it or not. It still doesn't register as real in my mind. I don't think it will sink in until I actually see physical evidence of a breathing baby.

Charlie has since been evicted from the guest room. It will become the baby's nursery eventually, Edward's been in there painting in the afternoons while I'm at school. The walls are spattered with nursery rhymes. All of the favorites we could remember from when we were kids. It's cute.

Edward is becoming more open and accepting of the situation, I don't think he'll ever refer to our sibling as a bastard again. No matter how true that statement is. It's obvious he cares, he's going to be a great big brother - I can tell. I'm almost positive I'm going to suck at being a big sister, but at least Edward will be there to help me.

I haven't been grounded in awhile, I think that chapter might officially come to an end. Lately Charlie is always trying to push everyone out of the house. We've peeked in the windows from next door, he watches video after video - VHS from the library. He's been watching all of these pregnancy and baby related movies, and reading the same books Elizabeth reads. The baby has consumed our house and it isn't even here yet!

Edward's been going to therapy more. He usually goes early in the morning and makes it back before I leave for classes. I don't know how much it helps, but things between us are good. I go to therapy with Charlie once a week, we have a family session once a week, or as needed and I see Joanne on Thursday nights.

We discuss ways to expel my anxiety. I'm taking Rhodiola with a few other vitamins, it's helping a little. Joanne really sucks on the confidentiality clause. I love it when she slips and repeats things Edward has said during his therapy sessions.

I was discussing my anxiety while trying to _be_ with Edward. Figure out what it all meant. I hoped to hear it was normal, not get a quote from his file.

_I don't want to look back and think: we've done it, but what could it have been like? I don't need anymore regrets. - Edward_

Apparently Joanne thinks I'm having similar thoughts.

I think we've waited too long. We have all these fantasies and very little participation. I'll admit it didn't feel quite right once we were alone in his-_our_ room, but I'm not sure regret is the right word. Then again, I wasn't the one hoarding a love child secret.

He'd known Elizabeth was pregnant for a few weeks, which made him more determined to give me a wonderful summer, but the guilt ate away at him. He really thought we'd be over; that I would leave him. In his world, he was going to tell me after he proposed on my eighteenth birthday. We've since agreed to hold off on marriage, rather I persuaded him not to rock the boat at home; it isn't worth the heartache.

Edward's greatest symptom of being bi-polar is his spontaneous planning. He gets these ideals in his head and they stick, Joanne calls in mania. His manic episodes don't really help my anxiety issues, but I know in his mind he thinks he has my best interests at heart.

I haven't let on to Edward that I believe in Joanne's diagnosis. He tries so hard. Really, that's the only thing he's guilty of.

.

.

After two years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.

He said, "No hablo ingles."

.

.

"It's kind of strange, don't you think? How much really changes, do you forget that sort of stuff?"

"What?" I ask dazed. Staring out the window to get a better understanding of what Charlie is going through.

"The videos, does he really need them," Edward chuckles.

"He wasn't scared until my mother's water broke, at least that's how she told it. Your mother's been really sick, maybe he's thinking the worst? Sometimes it's hard not to, right?" They keep running all of these tests because she's an older mother. I don't know what they talk about during her doctor appointments, but I can tell they scare the hell out of Charlie. I can't help but come to the conclusion that he's worried Elizabeth isn't going to make it through child birth. I didn't come with an instruction manual and I think we did fine after my mother passed. None of it really makes much sense to me.

"He's like a zombie. This morning I drank right out of the juice carton in front of him and he asked me to pour him a glass."

"That's because boys are gross," I carefully remind him.

"But it's me! He lays into me any chance he gets and he said nothing!" Edward speaks, shaking his fist in front of him.

"He was so out of it he forgot to take his paper with him this morning. So I used it to tape off the windows in the baby's room. Get this!" Edward slaps his knee, full of enthusiasm.

"He said, _Maybe I misunderstood you. You're not such a bad egg after all. You think you're different, but you're not. You're just really scared. _He was referring to my Humpty Dumpty, I'm sure." I can't help but laugh at Edward's thought process. The baby's room is gorgeously hand painted, it's a beautiful gift from Edward. It speaks volumes of acceptance and maybe Charlie is following Edward's lead.

"Anyway, he checks the score on the sports page on the south window, pats me on the back of my shoulder and walks out. It was so weird, and then he comes back a few minutes later after I'm certain he's reconsidered whether or not he should murder me." He is so animated when he speaks. There's no disgust in his tone, he's having a great time repeating the scenario in an exaggerated tone.

"He goes, _I know you love her. It would be hard not to, she has a heart… _yada-yada, he's bragging on you." He fast forwards with a wave of his hand.

"Yeah, skip to the good part." I tease and we laugh.

"He basically said, _that's my baby girl_. I thought they were fighting words, like it was the last thought he wanted to flash through my mind before he killed me. Then he said, I never really opened my eyes. I've been running with my eyes closed since Renee died and then he thanks me. He thanked me! I steal his paper and he thanks me! Something definitely isn't right with this picture..." Charlie's acceptance makes him happy.

"Yeah, you stole his baby girl too," I remind him.

"One piece at a time," he grins proud. I move over to the sofa to smack him with a throw pillow, aborting my mission after a few successful smacks.

.

.

The heart is the only broken instrument that works.

.

.

_We spend summer in the sun; soft kisses, warm embrace. _

Edward's hands are expressive, gesturing descriptions as he speaks. I can faintly see his mouth moving out of the corner of my eye but I'm captivated by the way his long lashes sparkle in the sunlight.

"Are you in there?" He asks, such a beautiful _boy_.

"I was just thinking," I shake my head, turning away from the glitter in his lashes to settle my sights on the horizon. Navy waves rush to the shore bursting into bright white peaks as the sun settles in the distance.

"Now that you're allowed to do that for yourself," he taunts. My hand connects with his arm as I gently smack him. His laughter grows and his chest quakes under my hand as he pushes me down into the sand.

"You're eighteen, you're entitled." He grins hovering over me, casting shadows around us.

"What am I going to do with you?" I threaten.

"Dream with me, reality is negotiable." His lips briefly smack mine before he hops to his feet and pulls me up from the sand. I shake the sand from my shorts and dig my toes deep in the sand when Edward reveals it's time to go.

Birthday dinner; every year, same time.

Elizabeth greets me at the door with open arms and scolds Edward for tracking in sand. The press of her swollen belly feels awkward and foreign, she's starting to show. Her skin glows radiantly and she doesn't puke nearly as often - thank the heavens; hallelujah!

"How was your trip to the beach?" She asks, turning toward the dining room where Charlie is waiting already seated.

"Sandy," Edward wittily retorts.

"Oh, hush you. I was asking Bella," she scolds sugary sweet.

"It was nice," I smile. Charlie looks worn and defeated, but musters a smile when I settle at the table.

"It's your day," he reminds me. Trying to emit enthusiasm with tired eyes.

Dinner is relatively quiet, nothing unusual. All summer Charlie has been mesmerized by Edward's tattoo as if his eyes were lasers and his stare alone could remove it. Except for this week. This week he stares blankly with adoration. I know this birthday is hard on him. What I don't understand; is why he has such little faith in me.

"Have you decided where you're going to enroll?" Charlie's tone startles me. I shift my eyes from the ink on Edward's arm to look at him.

"I will." Is it crazy that I'm considering enrolling here, if only to appease Charlie? To give him a sense of security when his life is spiraling. Staying, because I am my mother's daughter.

Charlie nods softly as he rises to help Elizabeth clear the table. Edward gives my hand a gentle squeeze and I remember to breathe. I close my eyes and laugh softly, not having a clue what I want out of life. Today feels more confusing than the rest. Already, I want to be a kid again.

This is the beginning of whatever I want my life to be.

When I open my eyes there's the heat of nineteen candles staring back at me, always an extra for good luck.

.

.

Inside every older person is a younger person;

Still wondering what the hell happened.

.

.

I don't know what to wish for. I take a moment before blowing out the candles. The room becomes an uproar of cheers and applause before it fills with laughter as the nineteenth candle relights. Stupid trick candle.

"And another?" Charlie grins, with arms folded on the edge of the table he leans in amused.

"You do this every year," I exclaim with a smile. Reminding him he can't pull one over on me.

"That I do, make another wish baby girl." I blow out the candle one last time before Charlie extinguishes it in his glass of water. Gifts are coming from all directions.

"Me first!" Elizabeth squeals and the boys retreat. Nobody dares to argue with the pregnant woman for fear she may scream or even worse, cry.

"I hope you like it," she smiles. I fight with a shit load of tape and floral wrapping paper to find a box also sealed in an insane amount of tape. I reach for the cake knife and Edward steals the box from my hands. Running his fingers along the edge he has it cracked open in two seconds flat, experience. He hands the box back to me with a smile and I work on peeling back several layers of tissue paper.

Eventually revealing a very soft black button down sweater. Like mother like son, she too isn't a fan of the hooded jackets, yet she caters to me in a similar fashion.

"I love it. Thank you," I smile.

"I'll go last," Edward offers. Charlie gifts me my mothers charm bracelet. I hadn't seen it in so long, I was fascinated by the various charms. Some of which I had gifted to her. He slides a card across the table and inside is the very first check from my trust, with tuition written in the memo.

"I know it isn't a car, but it's the key to your future." Charlie notes softly, solemnly.

"The painting is your big gift," he gestures over to the wall where the painting has been leaning since its arrival.

"It's worth more than a car. Thanks, I love you." I lean over the table and he leans in, my lips press softly against his cheek before we settle in our seats. I turn to Edward and he stands, lifting his chair and moving it out of the way completely.

Elizabeth stares on dreamily with elbows on the table and her hands spread flush over her cheeks. Charlie freezes, I can see the tension in his jaw line. I gaze upon Edward in wonder, until he drops to his knee.

"Bella… I've been thinking." I waited, impatient as ever. Closely watching for his lips to move again. He presents a small jewelry box, this one a soft cream color. I'm relieved and my heart starts beating again. It's not _the ring, _that one was in a blue box.

My eyes well with tears when he cracks open the box, because it's so much more than _the ring_. It's _her_ ring. The very same one my father snatched from my hand.

.

.

Be kind to your kids, they'll be choosing your nursing home.

.

.

My father steps in and saves me. I don't know why a commitment is so scary. It's the moment I've been waiting for; the big moment. It scares the hell out of me, so much so - I'm barely breathing.

"I was going to let Edward give this to you, but I've changed my mind." Edward looks surprised; as if they'd had this understanding and he just watched it vanish before his eyes.

We agreed Charlie hadn't been quite himself lately and in a way I felt cheated. Edward didn't slay the dragon, he simply thought he out smarted him. I could see the flames rising in his cheeks when my father took the box from his hand.

"I want to give it to you," he steals Edwards chair and scoots in to sit beside me at the table. Edward calmly steps back, again I wonder how he does it. So eerily calm and always when my emotions are on a rollercoaster.

Charlie looks over the ring thoughtfully for a long moment. It looks personal and I feel a twinge of guilt for watching.

"I loved your mother without a doubt. I gave her this ring because I thought it was the right thing to do, the next step. It was a promise for it was only immature love," he speaks softly in wonder as he looks over the ring.

"Immature love says promises are made to be broken. Cut off your nose to spite your face. Getting even and making up and picking petty arguments just to make up all over again. Your mother has thrown this ring at me more times than I can remember," he laughs softly rolling the band of the ring between his fingers.

Elizabeth smiles, teary eyed. Something tells me she's been there, she's heard this story before. Probably a million times since Charlie has always been one to make sure you never forget - anything. Seeing her has me almost teary eyed.

"Make him prove himself again and again until you're sure. You give him hell baby girl," he grins closing my fingers over the ring he's dropped in my palm. I lean into him, resting my head on his shoulder as I slip on the ring and examine it. It's hard to believe my mother threw this at my dad countless times, but knowing my dad; he deserved it.

"Thanks," Edward exhales, short.

"You're welcome," Charlie beams.

"I think what Charlie is trying to say is: there's no need to rush into anything," Elizabeth chimes in with a quick summary.

.

.

Forget about the past, you can't change it.  
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.  
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

.

.

The hour is late and the laughter has died, this birthday passes slowly and quietly into the night just like all of the others. The swing creaks as Edward leans in and pulls me tighter.

"I didn't get you a gift," Edward surmises softly. His fingers clear the hair off my shoulder, pushing it back before his face inches…I capture his lips before they can reach their final destination, my throat. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Elizabeth and Charlie nestled on the couch through the open window.

"Not here," I whisper against his lips.

"No?" He looks over his shoulder, sees what I see… He takes his arm back as he rises to his feet. The swing rocks forward and comes crashing into Edward's shin. He grumbles under his breath and steps away, sinking his hands deep inside his pockets.

"You coming?" He asks, dropping off the last step onto the sidewalk. I drop my feet and hop off the swing to follow Edward.

Next door the smell of new leather invades my senses, I reach over and crack the window. It doesn't sum up Edward, yet everywhere I turn there's that smell; new leather. In his house, his car; and it lingers. I hate the newness of it.

"You okay?" He asks, tilting his stare in my direction.

"Fine," I force a smile.

"That's not what it feels like," Edward admits in a heavy breath. I fix the blinds and move away from the window.

"What does it feel like?" I ask, plopping down beside Edward on the couch.

"You've been brushing me off since dinner. Joanne doesn't think we want the same things." _What the fuck? _I've come to accept that Joanne sucks with the confidentiality agreement; I just assumed the shit she was telling was more accurate - unlike a game of telephone.

I'm not angry, I'm just down. Edward believes what she says, I used to believe what she said. It's all so fucked up...

"The look on your face tonight said it all. Everyone approved, but you…"

"It was awkward, I was surprised. Charlie.." I try to defend myself.

"Saved you from having to crush me," he interrupts. "You weren't going to say yes; you didn't say anything." He doesn't sound angry, in fact he sounds just as beat down as I feel.

"I thought we were going to wait?" I tuck my foot under me and shift to face him.

"There's my answer…," with that he rises from the couch and tries to flee.

.

.

Take time to be sure, but be sure not to take too much time.

.

.

I wasted time trying to persuade and coax; my life was slowly walking away from me and damn near ready to run. On my birthday, no less…

"Do I have to remind you it's my birthday," I quip.

"Happy birthday," he holds smug.

"Fine, let's go. You coming?" I mock his impatience. When I rush out the back door he's quick on my heels. Storming behind me out into the yard.

"Where are you going? It's late," he huffs in a reminder that is anything but gentle.

"Right here, let's go." I stop at the one rose bush that Charlie hasn't killed.

"This is cute and all, but this isn't what I want." His disappointment is clear, he won't even come stand beside me. He's waiting out in the grass for me to give up the foolishness.

"It's whatever you want it to be Edward," I scold.

"It isn't real," he notes the obvious.

"So…dream with me." I recite his mantra and it intrigues him enough to step closer, but not off his high horse. He stands silent, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. His head shakes slowly back and forth whilst he stares at his feet.

"You're going to leave me," his tone is soft and calm which doesn't coincide with his actions. He tears up a lump of earth in one solid swift kick and dirt rains down over us.

"I'm not going anywhere Edward." I shake off the dirt and scrawl a hand through my hair. Edward eagerly rushes to my side to assist, full of apology.

"I'm sorry… I just," he breathes. Exhausted from trying to run to the finish line. I've been there. I wanted so badly to put a title on us and if anything I feel like its held us back. I want a do-over. I'm sure my friend Edward would have given me a pity lay if I begged or cried.

"I figure since I'll be going to college here it will be a good compromise. Me moving in; if you want?" I offer. Who am I kidding, I'm moving out!

"You want to live in sin," he scoffs, but his tone isn't angry. Often it's the little things that set off Edward's highs and lows. Obviously today has weighed just as heavy on him.

"Why not? Everyone else is doing it," I smile.

"In a world where faith often falls short of expectation," he speaks softly taking my hands in his.

"I love you," I beam. He's looking at me just like he used to; innocent, sheltered, and unbroken. My favorite Edward.

"I've learned a lot of things don't make sense, but somehow it all comes together. I can be patient." He puts great emphasis solely on the I.

"Gee, thanks." I hum.

"Some would say you're just being stubborn, but not I." Again the emphasis on I.

"Nobody wants me to say yes!" I blurt, frustrated.

"I want you to!"

"Things are finally good. It's not worth the fight for a piece of paper," or a last name. "Let's not ruin it…" I insist.

.

.

Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it.

.

.

$4,082.00 - Airfare

$60.00 - Marriage License Bureau

$7.00 - Copy of Marriage License

$777.00 - Wedding Package

_Your wedding will be the talk of the town when Elvis arrives in a '64 pink Cadillac to officiate and sing just for you. This package includes photography, a number of traditional features and even free internet broadcasting of the festivities._

Edward wearing a sailor suit - Priceless

The 1950's inspired pencil dress I wore definitely said; Hello Sailor! Edward was blushing, grinning from ear to ear, and almost choked several times during the very brief ceremony before Elvis serenaded us. It was a riot, I'd definitely do it again!

285.00 later, Edward purchases the borrowed dress.

120.00 later, I convince Edward to throw in the sailor suit.

An hour later, we almost miss our flight.

Laughter - Endless

A piece of paper later…

There's no sex, no honeymoon - but he did carry me over the threshold.

The afternoon sun peeks in the window, Edward sleeps. All of the evidence waits on the nightstand.

I slept a couple of hours on the plane, but hardly at all since we arrived home. Consumed with guilt. Charlie is going to kick my ass so fucking bad. I don't know why I agreed, I wanted to appease Edward. It's a piece of paper! A pinky swear would have been enough for me.

I creep quietly out of bed to shower. Water washes away some of the insanity, gritty dirt and the musty smell of Vegas. I decide Charlie can never know, he would be devastated.

I step out to find Edward sitting on the side of the bed, beaming. He's so fucking happy I can't help but smile as I cross the floor. Playfully, I brush the sleep out of his hair.

"Wife."

"Edward…" I remind him.

"I swear, I won't say anything until you're sixty," he taunts.

"Twenty-five at least," I correct him. Charlie has ideals of what my life should be and I don't know why I care so much about disappointing him, but I do. Lately I think his anxiety is much worse than mine. I'm going to do what's right for me and if a lie will save Charlie grief and spare my ass from a verbal lashing that will never end... Breathe - it's going to be okay…maybe…

"We tell nobody. News like that would travel fast." I blurt hastily.

"Why are you so paranoid? What's the worst that could happen?" He's provoking and amused.

"Everything changes. Just, don't…" but it's too late for that. We did it, there's no running.

.

.

Love is like a rumor,

Everyone talks about it,

But no one truly knows.

.

.

Charlie isn't thrilled with the fact that I didn't come home last night, even more upsetting - I'm moving next door. He says very little, appeased with the fact I've decided to go to our local community college. Elizabeth seems a bit sad to see me moving out, she's acting quite similarly to when Edward left. I chalk it up to those lovely pregnancy hormones and watch with amusement as her swollen belly functions as a folding table in which she folds each of my shirts into neat little packages before resting them in a box.

I feel like the sentence of the day is: I'll be right next door. I must have reminded them a dozen times. Edward has a gallant and oh so obvious skip in his step; yet thus far I feel as if our secret is safe _for now_.

I pass my father in the front yard as I carry over the last box.

"Dinner at seven," he reminds me as he briskly walks past. I nod, who can complain about good free food?

It feels strange, yet comforting to be home again. Edward is nowhere in sight so I trudge the last box up to the bedroom myself. I find it pretty damn peculiar that there aren't any of the boxes I've packed in the bedroom; still no sign of Edward.

"Edward," I drop the box beside the door.

"Just a sec," echoes from the office. I cross the hall and peer into the door. I can see the top of Edward's head peeking above the desk, but the front is barricaded with boxes.

"I'm moving into the office?" I ask, listening to Edward pounding away on the keyboard. I lean in to rest against the door frame confused and awaiting a response.

"No," he stands and leans over the computer one last time before turning to face me. "Charlie says what happens after he leaves is our business but he will not contribute and so help him if you get knocked up I better do the right thing." He grabs two boxes from the top of the stack and weaves past me.

"Wow?" Really? Just when I thought Charlie was losing his touch.

"I told him I had it covered," he grins big on his way back to make a second trip.

"You're asking for trouble," I smack his arm.

"I married into it, haha," he taunts and I smack his ass as he weaves past with a second load. "Hey, hey! Are you going to help?"

"Nope, that's a perk of having a man around. Free manual labor," I shrug.

"Nothing in life is free," he waggles his brows at me.

"I don't like to cook. I suck at doing laundry. You've seen my housekeeping…" My lips quiet under the brush of his.

"I know," he smiles.

"I guess that leaves sex." I murmur against his lips.

.

.

I'd like to run away

From you,

But if you didn't come

And find me ...

I would die.

.

.

I expected a song and dance, I didn't mean right now... Edward's the driving force and I'm happy to hitch a ride. We stumble through the boxes Edward carelessly left too close to the bedroom door and he graciously kicks them out of the way. He's a man on a mission with hands that move at the speed of a magician.

I flop onto the bed, slipping out of my shirt. Edward discards it on the floor with his before hastily trying to kick off his shoes. His quick sudden hopping is enough to have me laughing. He escapes his shoes and tugs off his socks to lean into the bed and hover over me.

"What's so funny?" He exhales with a soft laugh, boyish grin roaring.

"Nothing," I smile as I reel him in with my legs. I want him and he knows it.

Soft kisses grow into heated breathy kisses. Jeans grind and we're both painfully aware how uncomfortable the barrier is, but it feels too damn good to stop. The smooth soft skin of his chest drags across mine like a fine silk with every short humping thrust.

I feel the burn the minute Edward pulls away; rug burn in my pants. I unbutton my pants and Edward helps me carefully shimmy out of them. The burn rises above my panty line and he quickly soothes the area with a gentle hand, smoothing over the soft cotton fabric.

He groans in a heavy breath that is sexy as fuck when I reach out to free him from his jeans. His skin is just as red, angry, and as unapologetic as mine from the harsh fabrics.

Lips barely brush as Edward tries to strip my panties down whilst hovering over me. I manage to free a leg to assist and he gives me a taste of my own medicine, laughing at my eagerness. I suck his bottom lip into my mouth and give it a gentle bite to shush him.

His lip quivers in my mouth as he delivers his length along my wet folds and immediately he slows himself down.

"I love you…" He whispers in a soft breath against my ear before his lips find my neck. I could die in this moment and leave this world completely satisfied; even as a virgin. I quickly realize it was never about the sex, but the denied closeness because it could potentially lead to sex. Touch is definitely my love language, but only with Edward - everyone else seems to annoy the hell out of me.

"There isn't enough time in the world for all the things I want to do with you." He murmurs over the curve of my neck. I hold him tighter as he wets my shoulder with kisses. Mostly so he can't see the tears forming in my eyes. It's more than a piece of paper… Who was I kidding? Myself, and sadly it didn't even last a day.

I feel guilty for wanting to keep this a secret. Always hiding the beautiful parts… Just like Edward said. I don't really know why. I want to appease everyone and myself all at once; but that's an impossibility.

"Everything okay? If it.." I don't give him a chance to finish. I kiss him hard, closing my eyes to seal off the floodgates.

His touch intensifies without sight. My body twists and yearns into his every touch, slithering against him in pure wanting need. I feel him at my entrance, then his lips - warm against my ear as he holds me tight, "let me know if it hurts."

It hurts, it hurts! Yet I say nothing. I don't even breathe for fear of releasing sounds of anguish. I try to adjust my hips to find comfort, but it's soon replaced by more pinching. It fucking pinches, there's nothing smooth about it.

I try to relax and enjoy the brief moments of relief between the pinching, I know he's not nearly in but I refuse to chicken out and call stop. He kisses along my neck and that certainly helps.

I seal my lips, pressing them firmly against his shoulder as I attempt to breathe through my nose. When his palm warms my cheek, I crack my eyelids again.

"Are you okay?" His eyes sparkle with the golden glow of the late afternoon sun creeping through the window shade; so beautiful and fragile…

"Don't stop," I plead. One long slow thrust that seems to last an eternity and feels never ending - when his hips come to a stop against mine. A wild mix of pain and pleasure leave the muscles in my legs quaking in an uncontrollable spasm; he's in!

"Bella," he breathes into my mouth. His hips press forcefully against mine, sinking me deeper down into the mattress. Still, it doesn't stop the rattling in my bones. I don't know what the hell is going on with my legs, they're running off a secondary appendage. I have no control.

Edward grunts, unsteadily wavering above me.

.

.

There may be some things better than sex and some things worse than sex,

but there's nothing exactly like it.

.

.

Edward finishes, I don't. I'm a little relieved it's over for now and not five minutes later Charlie calls to inform us dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. Gah, he said seven!

Twenty four minutes later…

I'm trying to hide the waddle in my step and immediately recognize wearing underwear was a horrid awful dreadful miserable fucking mistake. Owwie - Ouchie - Mother fucker! The elastic is rubbing on parts that burn just fine without any added assistance. Edward takes a seat across the table from Charlie and wastes little time in running a hand nervously through his unkempt hair. He looks a little pale and a lot guilty. Charlie studies him with amusement, leaning into the table he quietly runs a hand over his jaw line.

"Getting settled?" He breaks the silence and Elizabeth wears a smile that looks completely forced as she delivers dinner to the table.

"No," then "Yes." Edward and I both speak at nearly the exact same time.

"Well, which is it?" Charlie reaches for the bowl of mashed potatoes.

"There's still a lot to be unpacked," Edward corrects himself. I nod in agreement, shoveling a spoonful of green beans onto my plate.

"I wish I could convince you to wait until you're married, but I know you don't want to hear that," he exhales exasperated.

"But we're too young to get married…" Edward repeats Charlie's thoughts. I watch him shuffle bowls around the table as he quickly and nervously fills his dinner plate. "Even though we want to start a life together now." His tone is eerily cool and calm, but it's all a front; his hand has a visible shake by the time he reaches for his fork.

"That's right," Charlie states flatly. Elizabeth conjures up another brief smile and picks at the breading on her pork chop.

"I'm not going to do this every night if this is how it's going to be," I muster a steady breath whilst balancing uncomfortably on the corner of my right ass cheek. Edward starts choking on his first bite and immediately drops his fork. Elizabeth hands him his glass of water, I've got the smacking him on the back part down.

I want to beat and save him all at once. It's love, he's got all the imperfections I can live with. Edward laughs; he's breathing. I smack him one last time for good measure.

"Fine, but I don't know what else to say." Charlie looks over at Edward until he composes himself.

"You don't have to say anything," I shrug dragging my fork across my plate. Charlie snorts softly into his plate.

"So how did the macaroni turn out?" He asks with a laugh.

"I still say it's efficient!" Edward immediately argues and Elizabeth covers her mouth with her napkin before bursting into a fit of eye watering giggles.

"I can't argue with that son," Charlie laughs and turns away from the table. It's not that funny, but their laughter is infectious.

Edward made macaroni and cheese for lunch... in the coffee pot. I was fairly amazed that I somehow overlooked he had a hundred and one uses for a coffee pot. He explained in great detail while he tried to defend himself earlier.

Suddenly we were interacting like any other average middle class family. The only thing missing is a dog.

.

.

_A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers _

_that your family will give you for free!_

.

.

"_Edward's enthralling and attractive to you because of his mania."_

"_Edward thinks outside of the box and is a bit of a risk taker."_

"_There's an air of danger if you will, for the romantic illusion in which people attach themselves to poets and painters."_

"_He's the boy your father warned you about and that alone has to hold some allure and intrigue." _

Memo to Joanne, Too late - I married him! I didn't say it out loud, but I thought it. Smiling and quietly listening.

"_You don't understand, nobody will ever understand what Edward can't even comprehend himself."_

"_He's tried to kill himself at least four times after spiraling down from manic episodes."_

That's not who he is when he's with me.

I can't tell the truth from a lie anymore, she's good. But no longer good enough to fool me. She can't convince me I need her; I thank her for her time and cancel all future appointments. I blame school and other mundane obligations, for once I want to walk out of a shrinks office looking like a sane person. I'm right where I want to be.

I agree to keep in touch, but I don't think I mean it. With Edward I've learned to never say never, so I won't.

I arrive home to find a generic note from Edward; he's out with Jasper. Looks like there's trouble in paradise. I call Alice to figure out what's going on and to get some advice about the burn that has consumed my lady bits and left me walking with a slight almost noticeable limp.

Apparently tearing and a little blood is normal, I can live with that - but what about the burn! Alice suggests I take a hot bath and add some Epsom salt, I get right on that while Alice squeals in my ear begging for details. I change the topic when I inquire about her and Jasper. Alice is leaving for school in a few days and Jasper was supposed to go with her.

"He couldn't get the loan. Well he could, but he couldn't make up the difference if he doesn't find a job right away. If he can't find a job he'll get screwed on the loan and end up paying… It's a mess," she finishes annoyed.

"I'm sure he'll find a job. He's a pretty resourceful guy," I note.

"That's what I tried to tell him. He says it wouldn't be responsible and thinks he should join the army now." I can't picture Jasper going off to the army. "My dad offered to help and he won't take it. He's too stupid and proud. He's going to get himself killed." When Alice starts crying I don't know what to say.

"I'm sure Edward can talk some sense into him." At least I hope that's what he's doing… One never can tell with Edward.

.

.

.

.

**~End Chapter 25 - Tortured Reason**

Thanks for dropping by!

.

.

Check out His Singer1's poems in my favorites, titled Compositions. I've been meaning to pair up with her on a chapter. Sometime soon hopefully! It's all my fault due to my lack of time management, I'm sorry! It was supposed to happen on this chapter but I didn't think it would be fair to hold it back any longer and then you wouldn't have time to vote for TeamBella23... Vote!


	26. Chapter 26 Tortured & Broken

"**Boy next door…"**

Gah, so sorry for the delays. I've been busy with work and fighting off a horrible cold. BIG THANKS to His Singer1 for tag teaming this Chapter with me. All of the poetry in the breaks belong to her. You can find more of her poetry in my favorites under Compositions. Love you!

Thank you for all of the wonderful reviews and feedback, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to personally respond. I think this chapter or the next should answer some questions. I know quite a few of you are anxious as to what the tragedy may be…

So let the tragedy begin…

.

.

.

**~Chapter 26 - Tortured & Broken**

.

.

It's tough before the aftermath  
Waiting for the sky to rain  
I'm almost through this thorny patch  
That I will not go through again...  
That I will not go through again...  
That I will not go through again

Standing on a broken path  
Waiting for the sky to rain

I am bound for where you live  
For I am bound to who you are  
My navigation's primitive  
To move at all I need the stars...

Standing on a broken path  
Waiting for the sky to rain

The blood demands a thicker skin  
A thicker skin turned to the fray  
It's briar, bramble, needle, pin  
When it's a struggle everyday...

Standing on a broken path  
Waiting for the sky to rain

If I were rich no one would know  
If I were poor no one would see  
No need to cultivate mystique  
When every soul's a mystery...

Standing on a broken path  
Waiting for the sky to rain

City streets are wilderness  
Where paranoia's common sense  
As common as the common kiss  
It's a form of latent violence...  
It's a form of latent violence...  
It's a form of latent violence

Standing on a broken path  
Waiting for the sky to rain  
(John Gorka - Thorny Patch)

.

.

Getting married definitely added a nail to the coffin. We're supposed to be happy, it's supposed to be our time. Instead I'm busy with college and crushing all of Edward's hopes and dreams in the small amount of spare time I have.

Jasper and Edward miss basic training after I threaten to inform them about Edward's mental health issues. Having to play dirty sucks; but joining the army to kill time while I attend school - well that's not what the army is all about. It's not just a weekend a month like the boys insist. Jasper is too big of a pussy to go without Edward… Seriously, this shit wasn't going to work; no way - no how. I wish they would see that. Instead I'm the bad guy and now they look at me like I'm the enemy.

I've offered to loan Jasper money to ensure he doesn't get screwed on the school loan, he belongs with Alice. Instead he's taking up space in our living room and hogging my husband. Jasper has too much pride, but it looks a lot more like sloth to me each day.

Edward is brilliant and could be doing a dozen other things, instead he's chosen to paint houses with Jasper. With Forks weather they accomplish more drinking than painting each day. It hurts to see so much potential going wasted.

I'm never alone, yet I haven't felt this alone in a long time. I retreat to the office, bedroom, or porch to continue my studies. The boys have their thing and I just want to die as quickly and painlessly as possible. Edward constantly checks up on me to make sure everything is okay - but what the fuck does that mean anymore? No, I'm not okay. No, I'm not satisfied with what life has become. No, I don't want to argue with Edward anymore. I keep my mouth shut, my head hung low, and try to blend in with the scenery.

"Can we talk?" I peer out from under my studies and spot Edward leaning in the doorway of the office.

"Sure…" I mark my place in my book and close it before pushing it off to the side. "What's up?" I ask wearily and afraid. It never ends well when we talk anymore.

"I'm going to pay doctor Cullen to clean up my health records," he states flatly.

"Yeah? Then what? You're going to run off to the army with Jasper?" My tone is harsh and I can't control the ugly contorted expressions my face is making. Obviously, I don't agree.

"I don't know Bella…" Edward grows exasperated. "I can't have that following me around for the rest of my life! Who would hire someone like me! How could I ever properly support you? It's fucking up my life! I know it - you know it!" He shakes his head and slowly paces the floor in front of the desk with his hands balled into fists.

"What happened to: I don't need art school to be a painter? Painting houses Edward, really? You could be doing so much more.."

"You think I chose this?" He scoffs, cutting me off.

"Oh? So I chose this? I never told you to paint houses, you never asked for input. I didn't invite Jasper to move in," I hold firm.

"Jasper doesn't live here," he corrects me shaking his head irritated.

"You've got me fooled, he's here enough…" I keep my tone level. I don't want to go to bed angry, again.

"Jasper go home," he shouts from the hall. "There, happy now?" I'm not happy and obviously neither is he. I zip my lips and brush past Edward to get to the bedroom.

We dress for bed and brush our teeth with not one word shared between us. Edward flips through the channels on the television, I lay on my side facing away from him to avoid further conflict. This has become our typical nightly routine.

The honeymoon phase ended before it started…

.

.

_Loving you is like a forecast_

_Different comes to pass_

_Our love is like the weather_

_It's just like pouring rain_

_Like the sun comes out again_

_Playing and laughing_

_Then a storm front comes in_

_Just like pouring rain_

_Who's at fault this time?_

_I didn't tell you I was going out_

_I'm controlling your calls_

_You walked out_

_This love is on and off_

_All the fights_

_The ups and down_

_Changing moods_

_Loving you is like a forecast_

_Different comes to pass_

_Our love is like the weather_

_It's just like pouring rain_

_Like the sun comes out again_

_We can't change hearts_

_Cause it's snowed in_

_Just like raining hail_

_Pelting our wounds_

_Over and over again_

_We change_

_Work it out_

_All is calm again_

_The calm before the storm_

_Basking in the sun_

_It just takes one cloud_

_To come around_

_Bring rain down on our love_

.

.

The alarm sounds at five in the morning. I turn it off as I roll up out of bed. I sleep maybe three hours a night and even that sleep isn't restful. Filled with dreams of what life should be like; what I'd hoped for. I lean over the bed and cover Edward as he sleeps. When he's peaceful like this, I know deep down in my heart he was meant to be mine and I his. It's during the waking hours that I recall how completely flawed we actually are.

I drag ass like a zombie to the library where I try to complete my pre-lab work. I barely finish in time for class. The lecture begins; this one runs three hours today. My professors lips are moving, but I'm not hearing much of anything. I think of Edward still sleeping at home in our warm bed and I become bitter and jaded. What the hell am I doing here? I'm struggling to keep a B average… My marriage is failing and I don't know where to begin…

I'm so wound up, anxiety isn't even a threat anymore - it's a state of existence. I look over and try to copy notes off of Jessica's notebook. Bitch meets my gaze and raises her arm to shield her notes… She used to be friendly, I don't understand anyone anymore…

I try to listen… I'm not getting anything from this; at least not anything I really want. I finally grow the nerve to collect my shit and skip out in the middle of class.

"What are you doing home? I thought you had labs today…" Edward grills me the minute I walk in the door. I throw my shit down at the bottom of the stairs.

"I quit!" I throw my arms up, effectively quitting.

"Bella, you can't do that.." Edward's expression is a mix of fear, confusion, and complete amusement.

I grimace when I see Jasper's head peeking up from the chair in the den. "I'll just join the painting and beer drinking party…" I shake my head and walk away, Edward follows me into the kitchen. I grab a beer off the top shelf and crack it open.

"It's not even noon yet," he argues under his breath as I close the fridge… winding his fingers into knots in front of him. There's rules?

"I didn't know there were rules to this slacking gig. I'm tired. I hate my life. I'm entitled - cheers!" It's official, I'm bitchy - and It feels so good to let it all out.

I sink into the couch in the den, my presence makes Jasper uncomfortable. He damn well should be - I'm unpredictable. Irritated and sleep deprived for so long, any tiny thing would make me snap and flip the fuck out right about now. No, no I haven't snapped yet…

"That's it? You're just going to hang around here?" Edward stands at the end of the couch with his arms folded over his chest. I quietly sip my beer contemplating what my next move should be.

"I don't know…" I speak through gritted teeth. Already I feel unwelcome. "If you two bone heads are going to the army; let me know where to sign up." Jasper seals his lips in a tight fine line and squirms in the chair.

"Yeah right," Edward scoffs. "You'd be like a little bunny rabbit just waiting in the brush for someone to put a gun to your head. The sound of your heart beating out of your chest would tip them off faster than infrared night vision." Edward laughs at me and Jasper joins in.

"She couldn't pull the trigger." Jasper finds his balls and continues to mock right along with Edward.

"I could pull the trigger to save his ass," I wave my beer bottle in Edward's direction. "You, I'd shoot in the ass just for kicks; for making the house smell like greasy taco and boy funk." I roll my eyes and nod my head, Jasper smells… something awful.

"Yeah man, you do need to shower…" Edward agrees quietly, scratching his head like he just realized this for himself. Boys are so gross…

"Whatever man…" Jasper hops up out of the chair at lightning speed, when the door slams behind him I only wish I had mentioned it sooner. Edward's jaw line becomes more pronounced, I can tell he's irritated…

"I'm sorry, he fucking stinks! What do you want me to say?" I shrug before taking another long swig from the bottle.

.

.

_Something so precious_

_Can easily be tainted_

_Sometime so beautiful_

_We made it ugly_

_Take a look and see_

_The mess we're in_

_At the mess we created_

_What a beautiful mess we made_

_What a beautiful mess we made_

.

.

Edward leaves, well that's just fucking brilliant! I continue to self medicated with alcohol while I work on a thesis for a lab I haven't nearly come close to completing. I write until the tears become blinding, wipe my eyes, and repeat.

When dinner rolls around, I'm not hungry but in need of a distraction. I go next door just to spend time with people who live on the same planet I do; instead of squalor away in la-la land.

We have a nice quiet dinner where we discuss the baby and Halloween plans. I lie for Edward, I don't need to give him another reason to be pissed at me. I know he needs a reality check, but our parents applying added pressure won't make a difference. Hell if he won't do it for me… _I hate being a grown up_.

I'm fairly quiet because I don't really have anything positive to say. I blame everything on my studies and deadlines, just being tired in general. Charlie reminds me I need a break every once in awhile and notes how appreciative he is that I still make time to drop by a few times a week. Edward, while he sits at home nearly all day long doesn't visit nearly as often as I do.

Just as we're about to wrap up dinner, literally for Edward… he comes storming in and meets us in the dining room at about the same time we hear the front door close. I can't remember the last time I've seen him so fierce… yet pale. Immediately his expression becomes stoic and he makes small talk with our parents. Elizabeth tries to lure him to sit and eat, but he isn't having any of it. I don't fail to recognize the way his stare burns into me but I'm not about to pick an argument with Edward in front of our parents. I know anything I say at this point will become an argument and Edward doesn't quite have the filter I do.

I cue my exit with a common excuse of needing to get back to my studies, we say our goodbyes and Edward falls behind on the walk home. I leave the door open for him and wait on stairs.

He leans in the open door for a few minutes, staring at me with the fire of a thousand suns. I say nothing and eventually he comes inside and closes the door. He stands in the entry acting as if he's waiting on me to say something. I don't know what to say anymore. It's obvious he's not okay. I save myself from asking the stupid questions and irritating him further.

"I came home and you weren't here…" His speech is so very slow, spitting out one word at a time.

"I was next door." Obviously…

"I thought you left me," his voice breaks and his cheeks begin to flush as his eyes well with tears.

"All of my stuff is still here… You walked out first," I carefully remind him yet make no move to comfort him.

"I….fuck," he spats, drying his eyes with the back of his hand.

"I don't know how to fix this Edward, but I know I can't do it on my own."

"I'll do anything," he drops to his knees at the bottom of the stairs completely at my mercy. Crashing so fast, he'd scrape his chin if I were pavement. It's all too familiar…

"I can't compete. No, I won't compete with these manic episodes and delusions of grandeur." I openly admit my biggest frustration. Highs and lows, one extreme to the next. Little by little he was cashing everything we had into the bank of Jasper, giving up something much greater than the money a stubborn idiot wouldn't take from us. Jasper was robbing us blind of the happiness and peace we'd once found.

"You know I can't help that," he argues.

"Try? It was better when you were receiving therapy, you don't even do that anymore. Jasper let Alice go, there's no reason why he can't be with her. You married me, you picked me - or so I thought you did." Come to think of it, he doesn't do much of anything anymore except live and breathe Jasper's problems.

"Done, I'll call Joanne first thing tomorrow morning." He retorts without a second thought, like everything is just magically all better by complying with one simple request.

"Edward…" I warn with a shake of my head.

"You are all I have. Please I beg of you, give me time." His plea brings tears to my eyes.

"Time is all I have, I can't leave… I'd rather have you look at me with disgust than not look at me at all." I wipe my tears as fast as they fall. Embarrassed at how weak and accepting I've become; only for Edward.

"Bella… Never, I'm so sorry… So sorry.." When he wraps his arms around me I pull him in and breathe a sigh of relief into his shoulder. Maybe I'm not the enemy after all? I wish I had the faintest idea of what runs through his head all day long. Lately everything seems so foreign to me.

.

.

_So in love once_

_Mad at you twice_

_You're changing right before my eyes_

_So unpredictable what you'll do next_

_I know I'm always holding my breath_

_I complain and nag. I hate it_

_But don't you fret _

_I'm not leaving_

_When the going gets bad_

_I'm not leaving_

_When you make me sad_

_I won't leave_

_When you lost yourself_

_So don't you worry_

_Our love will help_

.

.

Edward looks over my thesis and helps me organize my thoughts on paper. I hate most of my classes, but I know I have to stick with it. Asking for his help seemed to give him a sense of accomplishment too, maybe that's what he needs?

He disinfects the boy funk from the living room with a mix of lemon scented furniture polish and febreeze. He even vacuums the entire lower level while I finish going over notes for my next exam. Edward accomplishes more in the past three hours than he has in the last month.

He's trying and I realize our communication skills suck. The little things are adding up so much so, that it takes ideals of one of us leaving to actually apply pressure toward fixing them.

"I'm sure there must be things I do that bother you," the nagging or perhaps the bitchiness that exudes uncontrollably because I'm always so damn tired.

"Baby, you're perfect." He grins with a mouthful of toothpaste.

"…And that's why I married you. But really, come on? There must me something… You hate when I leave wet towels on the floor," I lead.

"Then they smell," he argues before rinsing his mouth and wiping his face dry on the hand towel.

"No worse than Jasper," I remind him.

"Touché," he laughs softly. "You're doing everything you should be doing, I can't be mad at that…" he notes.

"But?" I ask.

"But what?"

"There's always a but..." Always, I insist.

"Okay, well…I get that you're busy with school, but I'd like to spend more time with you. All of you," he waggles his eyebrows at me, flashing a perfect toothy grin.

"I'd like that too," I brush my lips softly against his, testing the waters.

"Oh, one more thing," he smiles against my lips. "Stop using my soap,"

"I like the way you smell," out comes a half truth.

"There's no substitute for these pheromones." Edward flexes his arms beside the bed. He looks a little bulkier and I can't decipher if its from carrying around extension ladders, the weight of power lifting beer bottles, or if its just because I haven't seen him this naked in awhile…

"You got me there." I laugh softly, he's beautiful when he's mine.

Some days I feel like there's so many personalities that have invaded Edward, each of them drowning out the one that I adore. There is a fifty percent chance he could out-grow and escape his diagnosis, but that doesn't matter - I already married him.

He hurts me and disappoints me all the time; I know it is never with intent. He may push the buttons from time to time, it's just not his hand. It's the voices in his head, these different roles… That I've come to understand, but it doesn't lessen the blow. Some days he's completely sociable, the life of the party and others he outcasts himself and then throws a pity party from what he assumes is his own private island. Forgetting the world still exists and revolves outside of his little distorted bubble.

Manic Edward wants to take everything that's too good to be true and prove it can be a reality. I sometimes fall for his antics because I'm reminded of the dreamer I adore. The boy that taught me how to fly if I could just ignore the logistics of landing. And I did…only with him. Lately he's just so damn irrational, it's nothing short of insanity and I can't trust him… I don't trust him…

I know things with Edward are getting worse. Last week there were storms outside that had me worried and he thought the sun was still shining. Rather, he was convinced I was making it all up. His behavior has been more erratic and so terribly confusing. The boy I know…has lost touch with reality. Jasper agrees with him _every fucking time _which doesn't help. I think he honestly believes Edward is joking around…

I finish getting ready for bed and when I slip in between the covers Edward has this glazed look in his eyes. Similar to the very first time I let him see my bra. _Yes Edward, boobs are in there… _

My heart beats outside of my chest because he fucking owns it.

I could no longer breathe if he quit me.

.

.

_Quit me and I die_

_Quit me and there's no life_

_Quit me and I'm still yours_

.

.

We connected on a level we hadn't in nearly a month, progress I didn't want to let fall to the wayside. I felt a twinge of guilt when I kissed him goodbye this morning. He told me to have a great day wearing that memorable crooked smile, my favorite. Left me with promises to see Joanne first thing, he was just going to rest a little longer until there was more hot water for him to shower…

"Do you have an appointment?" The receptionist looks up from her magazine when I reach her desk.

"No, do I need an appointment?"

"Is this an emergency? Are you ill?" She asks in a monotone nasally voice without a hint of concern, just lots of questions I didn't anticipate.

"No, yes… maybe? I'd like to speak to doctor Cullen if at all possible," I correct my nonsensical banter.

"Sign in here." I do, then sit in the far corner of the waiting room away from all of the sick hacking people. By the time my name is called around forty five minutes or so later, I'm convinced I'm coming down with something. I'd just survived a germ tornado but it was only a matter of time before the symptoms would appear….

"Bella, what brings you into my office today?" He asks with a warm smile as he flips through the top few sheets of my chart.

Lately I'm so worried about Edward, I think he's cured me of all of my not so normal anxiety. I'm stressed and stretched to the max, I don't think any doctor has a magic pill to fix everything I've got sitting on my plate right now.

I explain that I'd like to talk about Edward. In which he gives me a long speech about HIPAA laws, the data protection act, power of attorney, and all sorts of mumbo jumbo… Then concludes by asking if there's anything else he can do for me. I sit there for a moment in stunned silence, he has ethics… but Edward said…

"Maybe you should ask Edward?"

"He told me about the offer…" Dr. C looks bewildered by my reply. I leave the office, but not before visiting Miss. Sunshine back at the receptionist desk to receive these forms of power of attorney.

When I reach the car, he's jogging in my direction with his lab coat flapping in the October wind.

"I declined, I've never officially diagnosed nor treated Edward for his concerns. There was nothing I could do to help him." He closes his lab coat and looks around, slightly paranoid. I'm thinking my visit to the receptionist made him uncomfortable… Suddenly his eyes are glued to the papers folded in my hands.

"…And you can't help me either." I nod politely, turning half circle to open the car door.

.

.

_Can't help yourself, I'll do the saving for you_

_I'll save you from yourself_

.

.

I arrive to class late. My studies have become overwhelming and the flack I get from my professor for being late has me near tears. Instead of paying attention, I suck back the emotion and start making a list of pros and cons to figure out why I'm here. Life lately has seemed so meaningless and positively pointless. I don't know what I want, but there has to be something better than this… Ten minutes later and I'm back on the streets.

I make it home and find myself relieved that Jasper isn't there. It feels good to walk inside my home again without the fog of dread looming.

I find Edward upstairs, he's finally getting around to finishing up painting the office. Immediately he offers to move and cater to my every need should I want to work in there. The paint fumes are so strong, I'd pass anyway…

"I just wanted to see you, can't I come see my husband?" I taunt, which brings a smile to his face and makes my day a little brighter already.

"Class get out early today?" He asks, extending his paint brush toward my nose. Immediately I back off…

"Edward," I groan and then giggle.

"You didn't go to class, did you?" Spoken in more of an accusation than a question, he stares down the time on the clock resting on the desk. I forgot my books at home, that made the decision to leave class easier…

"No," I reach in my bag and pull out the paperwork for Edward, offering it up to him with a shaky hand.

"What's this?" I watch silently as he reads over the top page. "Power of attorney, I'm not that unstable Bella…Am I?"

"No, I don't know… I just want to help you and I can't see any of your records unless you sign these."

"Okay, so where's the forms so I can access your records?"

"What?" Huh? My records?

"If its so we can help each other… It's only fair I should see your records too." He makes a good point, even if I might die of embarrassment.

.

.

_Lets save each other before it's too late_

_With you by my side, we will seek out together_

_Teach me and I'll teach_

_Give me your love and I'll give you mine_

_Together we are whole_

.

.

Edward cleans up and then we head back to Dr.C's office. There's a lot of embarrassing things in my file and my stomach is a winding ball of knots. Fair is fair, but I don't want Edward to see my files. I don't even recall everything that's in there… Puberty wasn't fun for me, that's when most of the anxiety started and it just got worse from there.

We sign the forms, but that's not good enough…

"I can go home and get our marriage certificate if need be." Edward lets the cat out of the bag and immediately I'm concerned with whether or not he told Joanne too…

"Congratulations," Dr. C looks confused but opens our files and leaves them out on the desk for us to flip through. I'm not sure if he believes Edward or not, but we have the files and are given strict instruction not to remove anything when he's called to step out.

I'm reading through Edward's file as well as looking over constantly to read the expression on his face as he flips through my file. "I can't believe you told him," I whisper quietly.

"You wanted to see my file," he muses softly, but doesn't hesitate from sliding his finger across the page.

"Find anything interesting?" I ask, nudging him softly in the side with my elbow.

"No, you?"

"No, everything is documented so medically if that's even a word. I don't know what half of it means," I admit.

"Me either," he laughs softly. "Ready to go home?"

"No, maybe when Dr. C gets back we can have him break it down for us," I nod.

"Want me to break it down for you? I need you, I love you. I know I take you for granted sometimes, but I think I'm back on the right track again."

"Edward your head is always up in the clouds. Waiting for you is like waiting for the sun to come out in Forks, so very rare and often disappointing."

"My head is always up in the clouds because you're the sun," he wittily retorts.

"Edward," I groan…

"You started this whole analogy train." Touché…

.

.

_Where there is rain, there are clouds _

_Where there's clouds, there in lies the sun_

_And I bask in it, bask in your love_

.

.

There's an emergency in the ER, we suddenly hear a lot of shuffling going down the hall. All sorts of commands being called out as a gurney squeals down the hall at an alarming speed. Code gray - followed by a bunch of letters and numbers. The same type of codes in our medical files we can't decipher.

"What do you think is going on out there?" Edward asks in a hushed but anxious tone.

"I don't know, code blue is for breathing right? Maybe they'll be okay…" I ponder quietly. Living in a small town there's a ninety nine percent chance you know the person outside on that gurney…and on a personal level.

"Yeah, I don't know what gray means either… You don't think its my mother? Maybe we should go check?"

"I'm sure she's fine Edward, lets not worry. Dr. C will be back shortly…" I hope. "I'm sure this stuff happens everyday…" I lie - uncertain, trying to comfort Edward because he looks as wound up on the outside as I feel on the inside.

"Bella we need you down in OR four," Dr. C's intern bursts in and my stomach settles somewhere around my feet.

"Me?" I ask bewildered… Surely there's some confusion?

"Yes, Miss. Swan…it's of extreme urgency." He pulls me down the hall and Edward follows close behind.

"I can go with her, right?" Edward asks, but doesn't stop walking…

"You'll have to wait outside," the intern notes.

"I want Edward to come with…" My brain is drawing a blank, blinded by fear.

The minute we're ushered in, Dr. C is pushing us back. There's a crowd of doctors around the gurney and I can't see anything…

"I need you to sign this." He hands me a pen and a clip board.

"What am I signing?" I barely have the voice to muster…

"Your father has had a series of strokes, we need to perform surgery to open up a clogged artery, his brain isn't getting the oxygen it needs. Since you're here, I need a signature."

"Charlie…?" I uttered his name and then the lights of the operating room dimmed… My knees fell weak and I crashed head first into the wave of darkness. _Dear God…_

.

.

_The darkness engulfs me. _

_Swallowed whole _

_Please don't leave me…_

_Please don't go…_

.

.

**~End Chapter 26 - Tortured & Broken**

Thanks for dropping by!

.

.


	27. Chapter 27 Tortured Turn

"**Boy next door…"**

I'm still alive!

Thank you for being so patient, the love and support has been astounding. I realize this story is becoming heavy in word count and while I'm not ready to end it yet - I'm thinking an even thirty chapters should do to wrap it up in a neat little bow.

.

.

.

**~Chapter 27 - Tortured Turn**

.

.

No warning sign, no alibi

We faded faster than the speed of light

Took our chance, crashed and burned

No, we'll never ever learn

I fell apart but got back up again

And then I fell apart but got back up again, yeah

We both could see crystal clear

That the inevitable end was near

Made our choice, a trial by fire

To battle is the only way we feel alive

Fell apart but got back up again

And then I fell apart but got back up again

And then I fell apart but got back up again

Oh-way-oh, Oh-way-oh

So here we are, the witching hour

The quickest tongue to divide and devour

Divide and devour

If I could end the quest for fire

For truth, for love, for my desire

My desire

And I fell apart but got back up again

Oh-way-oh, Oh-way-oh

I fell apart, I fell apart

I fell apart, I fell apart

I fell apart but got back up again

(30 Seconds to Mars - Alibi)

.

.

My father made it through surgery on a prayer. The clot in his artery didn't start bleeding prior to surgery. However, when doctor Cullen gave us the news that he was a lucky guy, his tone wasn't uncertain but dismal.

He's still alive. _How alive, is another story… _They plan to keep him sedated for a few days, continue testing his brain patterns for new developments. Right now, it doesn't look good.

I want to cry, but I feel so damn empty. My skin crawls with electricity, a soft hum - the only constant distraction from the smell of bleached linens and iodine. Every once in awhile Elizabeth whimpers or sobs. Edward alternates between rubbing her shoulder and standing off to the side with his arms folded, tapping his foot with the occasional scuff across the floor. I don't think he quite knows how to approach me…

Fear fills the room, an emotion I cannot begin to grasp. I can't bring myself to think about the possibilities… I don't even know where to begin. I break under Edward's stare and blow past him to get out and get some air.

Ten minutes later and Edward meets me at the emergency vehicle entrance with our coats.

"I know you probably want to stay, but I think we should go home. He's stable, my mother will stay the night and call us if anything changes," Edward reluctantly hands me my jacket and I slip it on as we cross the parking lot to find our car. I follow Edward's lead. I can't even recall where we parked earlier, everything is all a blur…

I didn't realize how quiet or short the ride was until Edward's hand caught my leg to tell me we were home… _We're here?_

I slowly exit the car, without much purpose. It feels like everything is on pause, just killing time… The house next door is eerily dark, nobody home. I have a million questions running through my mind and no answers.

I quietly follow Edward inside and discard my jacket on the bench behind the door. I run my hands over my face before bracing myself against the wall…

"Bella…" Edward's hands grip firmly at my shoulders.

"It's not fair," I muster through gritted teeth. Too bitter to cry.

"No, it isn't." He wraps his arms around me and I can feel his chest heaving with every tense breath at my back. "Here, to take the edge off," he reaches in his back pocket and produces two magical _Ambien _pills. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip, filled with a temptation so strong - the urge to visit a very old friend is almost overwhelming.

"No," I shake my head with closed eyes.

"Bella, you need to get some sleep." He reiterates himself by forcing them into my palm. _La la la la la, I can't hear you… _As soon as he releases my arm I chuck them and they skip off somewhere together in the direction of the kitchen.

Frustration wrinkles his forehead, but other than that he doesn't let it show. He starts to peel away his flannel shirt and I move to tug at my laces, kicking off my shoes. The house is so quiet and the tension in the air is so thick I feel like I'm suffocating.

Edward follows me around like a lost puppy, he says nothing silently watching. I don't know what he's anticipating, I don't even know anymore… I feel… everything and nothing.

I settle on appeasing Edward and going to bed. Even there, I have zero motivation. My mind and body feel so cloudy and numb. Inside my heart is breaking and my lungs feel like they're under the pressure of a tightening vise.

Two hearts beating in the dark…

_My entire world is spinning out of control and Edward is the only constant that remains. _

Lightning and thunder cast a gray glow through the window, I'm completely mesmerized with how his eyes become the only color left in the room. Green eyes so bright, a hedge couldn't begin to mask them. _You have pretty eyes_… And I can't find my voice when it feels like his eyes are stealing every secret buried inside, all the way down to the very bottom of my poor helpless soul. I can't hide from him, not even in the dark.

I can't sleep either…

I cry, nestled in Edward's arms.

.

.

It hurts,

It hurts so bad

You explained it all away

But it hurts so bad

.

.

I wake, restless sleep leaves me completely exhausted and tangled up in the flat bed sheet. I hear water running in the bathroom and lean over to spot Edward brushing his teeth at the bathroom sink. Just when I thought last night was a strange horrific nightmare…

"I thought you'd want to get back to the hospital first thing…" Edward notes before spitting foamy toothpaste in the sink. I roll away and cover my head with a pillow, I'm not ready to face the day. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to face this…

"Come on," he smacks my ass with a pillow. "He's your dad, you'll regret it later if you don't go."

So tired… I'm wandering around in a fog. To the car, the drive in, at the hospital. Nothing feels quite real, I won't let it be real… _If I just pretend this isn't happening…_

I half listen and stare out the window as Dr. C explains the type of care and therapy Charlie is going to need if there's to be any chance at recovery. Things still don't look well at all - it's odd to hear the word recovery and stare at a lifeless being trapped in a bed with safety rails. He hasn't fucking moved since… Well, before the last time I saw him…. _God, I can't handle this. _

.

.

My world,

Turned around you

And now that I'm upside down

With you I turn too

.

.

_Two months later…_

Edward's words have replayed in my head every single day. _He's your dad, you'll regret it if you don't… but I can't… _After a very small break from my classes, I went back to school just to get away. What has been seen can't be unseen…

Charlie hasn't made much progress at all since coming home. Nurses visit a couple of times a week to help Elizabeth with his care and to give him physical therapy. He's strapped into a wheel chair, drools constantly, and defecates in a bag. _If that's progress… _

Today he's wearing a bib with pockets and I'm embarrassed for him… Elizabeth explains how he was staining and ruining all of his shirts and Vaseline should help the rash on his chin. She's telling us more so for Edward's benefit. He's the one who _baby-sits _Charlie while I'm in school when Elizabeth has work or appointments. Thank God for Edward because I don't know if I could do it…

_I can barely look at my own father…_

I can't look him in the eye without wondering if he's still in there… I feel an immense amount of guilt for staring, and then more guilt for looking away. It's so hard to see him like this and not knowing what his wishes are; if he has any. Everything that goes in and out, includes medical grade tubing… We cling to hope that he can make a recovery, _but that slips further and further away with each passing day…_

.

.

Turn,

Turn back to me

Cause I'm the one who cares

Please turn back for me

.

.

Snow has fallen and Elizabeth is scheduled to deliver via c-section next week due to sudden complications. Her blood pressure is high paired with gestational diabetes, she brushes these issues off with little concern. I don't know much about anything…

"I'd like one of you to be in there with me," she smoothes a blanket over Charlie's lap. Edward nods but I can tell by his expression he's not completely sold on the idea.

"Bella, would you?" When she outright chooses to ask me, I don't know what to say… Slumped in a chair my expression read anything but pick me - why oh why is she picking me?

"It could be a great learning experience," she explains, coaxing... Somehow I don't foresee myself using this experience for an essay topic.

"We'll play rock, paper, scissors later - and get back to you…" Edward grins and Elizabeth isn't nearly as amused as he is. Yet when he kisses her cheek her annoyed expression fades. "Take care old man," Edward pats Charlie on the shoulder…

"Goodnight," I sort of half-wave and rush toward the door. At times like this I wish I could be as eloquent as Edward, so cool, calm, collected… Instead I'm like a clam, closing up at the first sign of any possible threat. I'm terrified of my own father, he's so foreign to me now…

Edward has the remote and I'm skimming over my school notes. Not five minutes after we settle in on the couch…

"She really wants you to be in there with her," he reminds me.

"Edward," I warn while pretending to be engrossed in my studies so I don't have to discuss it.

"She'd be there for you," he tries to guilt me.

"She's your mother," his responsibility… _Yet he jumped right in to take care of Charlie… Gah, I hate this!_

"Our mother, married remember?" I close up my notes and toss them onto the coffee table.

"What if something goes wrong? You should be there, you'd want to be there."

"Stay with my mother or stay with Charlie," he issues a final ultimatum with a shrug…

"Fine, I'll go with…your mom." Almost instantly my mouth dries out to mimic the conditions of the Sahara and my stomach starts doing flip-flops.

.

.

_I've got less than a week to mentally prepare myself._

Fuck…

.

.

I sit on a tiny stool near her head, thankful there's a blue curtain that blocks me from seeing anything else. I've been praying all week for selfish reasons. I know I owe this to her simply because she didn't leave Charlie on my doorstep. I couldn't take care of him…

I can't handle it. Not one more fucking thing can go wrong, I'll snap… So many emotions are already spinning around inside; like a tornado ready to unleash…

Elizabeth offers a nervous smile and I give her hand a small squeeze to remind her I'm still with her.

Everything moves along so quickly, I almost look around the curtain when I hear a baby cry - but use my better judgment and catch myself before I reach the point of no return. _What is seen can't be unseen…_

Elizabeth is already crying by the time the surgeon announces, " It's a girl…"

"Would you like to cut the cord?" I hadn't even thought about this question coming up.

"Go ahead Bella," Elizabeth urges and I move to get it over with. I wince as I snip the slimy cord… It's all I can focus on.

"Is she tiny?" Elizabeth asks when I slip back into the safe zone. _Fuck… I don't know. _Thankfully they bring the baby over before my lack of a response becomes questionable. For being red and wrinkled, she's still really cute - and she has a full head of dark hair.

Elizabeth kisses her forehead and strokes her cheek before they take her away. I'm directed to head to the nursery. They're going to close Elizabeth up and move her down to recovery, I can see her once she's back in her room.

Staring through the thick glass, I watch as the nurse gives the baby her first bath. She cries and her skin grows an even deeper shade of red, to the point where she's almost purple… I don't know what I was expecting, but thus far she doesn't seem as scary as I anticipated her to be.

Once she's been tagged and bundled up they place her in a clear box type bassinet… Another nurse walks by and slides a card into the foot of the container, _Girl - Baby Masen_.

I turn away from the glass, knowing that the name is just a formality… Charlie should be here, he wanted so desperately to be here. _He was planning and counting down the days until…_

I spot a payphone at the far end of the hall and call home to let Edward know everything is alright. "_You're sure it's a girl_?" he teases.

"Make sure you tell Charlie." With that statement, I break down and sob into the receiver.

"I will. You did great," he tries to comfort me through the phone.

"I even cut the cord," I laugh through the tears.

"You did?"

"I know, right!" I still can hardly wrap my brain around it… My emotions are all over the place. Mostly, I feel guilt - frustrated, upset my father missed this moment.

"You're amazing," he coos.

"A nurse is waving me over, I'll call again later."

"Alright, I love you."

"Love you too," I hang up the phone and dry my eyes with my hands.

The nurse asks me if I want to hold her and I'm not sure I'm ready, but I try. She helps with my placement of hands and assures me that I'm supporting her properly. She's so warm and smells really good. Baby powder and something more, something almost obscenely sweet.

Gazing into her big brown eyes, it was love at first sight. I knew in that moment I would protect her come hell or high water. She was so tiny, beautiful, and sweet… _My little sister…_

.

.

_It's kind of hard to be angry at God when you're holding a perfect angel._

Abigail Ann Swan

.

.

Middle of summer…

Not long after Abigail starts babbling, so does Charlie… We can't comprehend what he's trying to say. Dr. C said he was showing signs of aphasia - but it's been so long… He doesn't want us to get our hopes up, but admits it may be progress.

We're sitting in the den admiring Abigail as she crawls, she's eight months old… I can't believe how quickly time has flown, she's grown so much already. Charlie starts to babble, the right corner of his mouth is upturned and I'd like to think he's smiling proud right along with us.

Abby distracts us all quite frequently with her cuteness and tiny acts of terrorism. The house still isn't quite baby proofed but we're getting there. We tend to move things as she knocks them over, she teaches us something new each and every day.

"Belllluh, Bell, Bellahhhh…" I turn to look at my father and he's staring right at me… Abigail giggles and scoots off toward the kitchen, Elizabeth leaps up to catch her.

I cover my mouth with my hand because I don't know what to say… I fall to pieces and the tears start rolling.

.

.

Hand delivered from God's lips to my ear;

I now know for certain that beyond those vacant brown eyes

- my father is still in there.

.

.

By the end of the week Charlie can say my name clearly, it's all he says. Edward props Abigail on Charlie's lap and she playfully swats at his chest before becoming interested in a button on his shirt.

Edward has become a pro at diaper changing - I can do it faster. Elizabeth with experience trumps us all. We each play pretty active roles in both households, Edward has made jokes about building a sun-room on our driveway that would connect the two houses. Elizabeth has been a big help in cleaning up after Edward, since I'm hardly home between summer classes and interning with Dr. C. One of us always has Abby, usually it's Edward or at least that's how it feels. He's a baby snatcher… Elizabeth insists she's never going to walk and constantly chastises Edward for keeping her slung on his hip all the time. All - the - time.

_Kiss Abby, kiss Edward. _

I left class early so Edward can get to his appointment with Joanne. I don't know if she helps him per say, but he is medicated and that seems to do wonders to curb his drastic highs and lows. He's so calm and collected, he makes me look like a crazy person in comparison.

Charlie's right hand trembles when Abby springs onto her feet. Edward has her, but I can't help but wonder if his hand fidgets because he's nervous that she'll fall? It could just be another tremor, but these are the things that boggle my mind. I want to see him heal and get better so desperately… I try to see the positive and then find myself disappointed when his condition doesn't change. _It's a vicious cycle_.

"Give daddy a kiss Abby," Edward coaches. She takes a moment to appreciate Charlie's facial stubble, she's forever rubbing Edward's chin when he forgets to shave. It must be a comfort thing - after a moment her tiny lips pucker and she dives forward to suck on the tip of his nose. I can't help but laugh…

"Quit slipping daddy's nose the tongue," Edward playfully scolds with a soft laugh of his own before pulling her back. She giggles and babbles while dancing, stomping her little feet one after the other on Charlie's knees until Edward moves her onto the floor.

"I'm going to be late," he kisses me quickly - pats Abby on the head, and then charges out the door.

I pick Abby up and release the brake on Charlie's chair. We settle in the dining room. I stop Charlie at the foot of the table and lock Abby safely in her high chair with the distraction of a teething biscuit to keep her busy so I can get a pot of coffee going.

Just as I'm about to get it started Charlie starts calling my name and babbling. I rush over because I immediately think the worst… Is Abby trying to escape? Choking? My mother didn't lie when she said kids will give you gray hair. I fondly remember denying it and shaking my head with a laugh. I'm waiting to find my first - any day now…

"She's fine, please…" I sort of whine - beg, give me two minutes! - _Two minutes_… Edward's been prescribed Lithium and while he's completely balanced in some ways, he's more restless at night and often complains about the necessary dietary changes. He's a beast without his caffeine… Truthfully, so am I. This is my last opportunity to binge on caffeine before his return.

"Coffffeee," Charlie stutters in a low tone.

"Well if you'd let me make it…," I grumble and hiss under my breath. Then it hits me, like a ton of bricks. "Say it again!"

.

.

Coffee

_One word…_

_That means everything and nothing._

.

.

Four nights a week I tuck in nearly a dozen little faces in the children's unit over at the hospital. I come bearing the last movie of the night, a snack, two books, and a surprise for the morning. By the time I leave, I'm exhausted - yet I walk away with a sense of accomplishment and purpose. I didn't really have any direction aside from being Edward's wife. So… When Dr. C mentioned at one of Charlie's appointments that he could use an extra pair of hands, I offered.

I didn't know what I was getting myself into…

I made instant friends. Each child has a story to tell - some without hair, some with tubes, blinking monitors that light up and beep, casts, bumps, bruises, burns… _Things that happen to our little angels when God is too busy protecting the stupid. People like me, the lost that need to be found._

I give them hope, compassion, and encouragement when they're scared. All of the things I miss the most about my mother… It's been therapeutic. I find my faith as often as I lose it. Lately things have been so good, I can't help but anticipate when the other shoe will drop.

This journey with my father has been so strange. People I thought were friends weren't and some I barely knew now visit weekly if only to drop off a casserole dish. Jasper left town quick when Edward's responsibilities grew and Alice stopped calling as frequently once he left. I don't blame her, it's not like I have much time either these days. I don't even miss her as much as I probably should. I know Jasper talks to Edward every few weeks, I'm sure he knows where he is - but I don't even pretend to care. His absence has been a beautiful gift.

The city has come together to ensure Charlie's safety and comfort. They installed a ramp out front and remodeled the bathroom on the lower level. The new bathtub has a door in the side, seating and a mounted apparatus so Elizabeth can bathe him proper. They also donated medical equipment to make moving Charlie around a breeze, we no longer have to struggle to move him into bed each night. The church Elizabeth attends donated a van with a lift to make it easier for Charlie to get to his appointments. The flowers, meals, and baked sweets used to flood our homes. In time that's declined at a steady pace…

Edward has been painting up a storm. He's done several murals for a few businesses in town and now the business just keeps rolling in. Tonight isn't any exception, I stand just inside the garage door and watch as he adds the shading on a giant hotdog painted on plywood…

"Does it look good enough to eat?" He asks when he feels my presence, tilting his head he moves to closely examine that last brush stroke before standing back to give me a look-see.

"You always do," I smile and move in to wrap my arms about his waist.

"Yeah, well what about the mustard?"

"It needs onions," I comment.

"I'm not done," he quickly smacks his lips against my temple before shifting on his feet to clean his brush.

"I guess that means you're not coming to bed anytime soon," I pout.

"Charlie asked me something today," he speaks softly just as I'm about to head in.

"Yeah?" I brace myself against the door-frame.

"He wanted to know what our rings meant," he moves in to add white highlighted shading on a tomato.

"He did not…" It wouldn't be the first nor last time Edward would have fun at my expense.

"I told him I loved you very much," I listen to him in wonder.

"He told me I should make an honest woman out of you," he shakes his head before shifting his head up to make another stroke…

"Quit playing around… He wouldn't dare say that even if he could speak. I'm really not in the mood Edward, not tonight - it's late."

"I was talking to him on the porch this afternoon and he gave me this…" he reaches in his back pocket and pulls out a crumpled grocery list and I can't help but laugh. Charlie has regained some movement in his right hand, but not enough to successfully feed himself.

"I'm guessing you want me to stop on my way home from class tomorrow," I step back inside to snatch the list from his hand.

"Read the back," he insists and dips his brush in a cup of paint thinner.

_Thanks - _In the sloppiest pen I ever did see.

"This isn't funny…" I shove the note deep into my front pocket. Edward produces another note - this one on yellow paper, the same Elizabeth keeps near the phone.

_I will find a way to hurt you._

"Yeah, he doesn't have a sense of humor either," he shrugs releasing a soft laugh.

"Edward I'm not playing anymore, goodnight…" I try to hide the irritation in my tone but it comes out with a sternness that's more business than casual.

"If you spent any amount of time with him, you'd know he's been communicating very well in pen for the past week or so… Bella, he's your father. You only spend time with him when you have to and you don't think he notices that?" He wipes his hands on the sides of his jeans frustrated and angry…

"Why are you so angry… If you needed a break, all you had to do was say. Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I deflect.

"Would you leave me?"

"What?" His question throws me through a loop…

"Would you leave me?" He asks again. "If I grew ill like Charlie?"

"I would sooner die, you know that."

"He loves you just as much as I do. Yet you don't hardly speak to him…"

.

.

Gone,

You're gone away from me

What you didn't say

You just walked away

.

.

Edward has guilted me to the point that I decide to skip my morning classes to spend time with Charlie. I don't know what to say, Edward insists I just talk - that he listens well…

As soon as I walk in, he does his half smile and says my name. He's regaining use of the muscles on his right side which is apparent by the way he holds Abby as she struggles to free herself. Elizabeth watches closely from nearby as she laces up her tennis shoes.

"Great! Can you stay until Edward gets here?" She speaks quickly, moving to grab her purse.

"Yeah…" I move to take Abby from Charlie. I can't tell if he wants help or not, but it makes me nervous watching her squirm like that. Elizabeth kisses Charlie, then Abby while she wiggles in my arms… "I'm glad you're here," she smiles and kisses my cheek before running out the door.

It's our typical routine, sitting at the kitchen table - I make coffee while Abby chomps away at tiny jam covered pieces of toast.

"Coffee," Charlie's right hand taps along the table.

"Would you like a cup?" I ask, talking to him instead of at him… I'm a horrible daughter.

"Abbbeeee," he scolds. I look over just in time to watch Abby drop a handful of squashed jelly toast mess on the floor.

"Abby, you're supposed to eat the toast…" I whine. I remind myself it could be worse. Last week she proved she had a strong arm during lunch; Edward claimed he had to clean mashed peas off the ceiling.

_Soggy sticky mush, gag worthy baby goo… _

I find myself talking more to Abby because I don't quite know what to say to Charlie. I told Edward he could sleep in, now I want more than ever for him to come in and break the nervous tension. I leave the room under the guise of putting Abby down for her early-afternoon nap.

She cries for daddy before we make it up the steps to her room. _Not that I didn't feel guilty enough already…_

By the time I get her to sleep the coffee is nearly burnt. I pour two mugs and move to sit at the table…

"Coffee," he reaches for the mug.

"Careful, it's hot." I cover his mug with my hand before his shaky hand moves it very far. I ponder for a moment - and then rummage the cabinets. I come back with a straw and move Charlie's lap tray over, adjusting it until it sits as high as possible. I place the mug on the tray with the straw added and it's too low. I then come up with the brainy idea of connecting two straws… He takes his first sip and it leaks… Begrudgingly, I go with my better judgment and get a bib out of the drawer and put it on him…

"This should save you from getting burned…" I can't tell if I'm talking to him or at him… _Gah, this is so hard!_

"I heard you and Edward had a nice talk yesterday…" I smile, sipping at my coffee while he slurps his… He releases the straw and taps his hand along the table. He's trying to tell me something and I spend a great deal of time trying to decipher what he wants as he repeatedly says my name over and over… I grab the grocery pad off the fridge with a pen, giving it a click I position it in his right hand. His hand begins to tremble something awful. He forms a single squiggled line before his hand slips off the paper, again he says my name… I move to help him again, this time he starts writing before I can move my hand out of the way and I quickly realize he needs the weight of my hand for balance.

_Life is good?_

"Yeah, I'm good dad." Tears well in my eyes and I raise the back of my hand to wipe them before they fall.

_I miss you._

"I'm so sorry," I lean into his side and sob softly, my hand begins to move along with his again.

_Don't be. Many things, I was wrong too. _

.

.

_Love forgives -_

_Bleeding out old wounds…_

.

.

"You didn't say much before you left earlier, everything okay?" Edward sabotages me the minute I walk in the door from working at the hospital.

"Fine, just tired. You? How are you holding up?" I drop my bag beside the door and stretch my toes as I cross the floor to the den. Life seems more complicated now, yet somehow remains fulfilling.

"Our one year anniversary is coming up along with someone's birthday…" Edward stands beside the couch nervously cracking his knuckles…

"That's over a month away," I note.

"That doesn't mean we can't think about it," he shrugs gently.

"You mean plan something?" I inquire, fairly certain he already has something in mind.

"We could," he tosses out there so casually and I can't help but laugh.

"What are you asking? You're talking in circles. I already know you're up to something, I can sense it."

"I'm going to ask you to marry me again on your birthday; you do know that?"

"Wouldn't that be silly, since you conned me into going to Vegas last year?" I tease and kick my aching feet up on the coffee table.

"Exactly, we could do it right… You know in a church, before God, with a real pastor and after we could have dancing." His emphasis remained solely on the dancing. The mere thought of dancing is tiresome… I feel like its only purpose is to further remind me how horribly awkward I can be.

_I don't remember much dancing growing up with Edward, it was always hand holding and spinning in the yard as fast as a top. To where the clouds in the blue sky blurred and reality had no edges. Euphoric sensations rocked between our ears; leaving us dizzy yet smiling wide._

"I loved our wedding," I insist.

"I did too, but we can have a do-over and do it right." I tried to read between the lines on his forehead. I couldn't tell if he were throwing this offer out on the table for my sake or because it was something he really wanted.

"How about we run off to Vegas again? Except this time we'll face the music come morning." I try to compromise.

"Yeah, and then we can wear our wedding bands instead of these…" _Fifteen dollar matching silver rings… _

"I don't need a ring to remind me I'm yours," I cut him off. "I loved you long before I knew what love was… and for better or worse you're stuck with me now."

"Stuck?" He crosses his arms… and just when I thought he might reach out to rub my feet.

"Like gum on the bottom of your shoe," I quip.

"That sounds miserable," he laughs.

"Even when I'm a pain in your ass, you still love me." I taunt.

"Of course I do," he relaxes and takes a seat on the coffee table as he collects my right foot and begins rubbing…. _Ahhh…._

"No, you could throw me away and find another pair of shoes - but you don't…"

"Beautiful, nobody will ever love you like I do. Not now, nor ever."

"Say it again," I plead softly.

"Not now, nor ever," he repeats with enthusiasm - thinking he's humoring me.

"No, call me beautiful…"

.

.

_He called me beautiful all night long…_

.

.

Last night wasn't just a warm up for nothing… We received an invite, to a wedding. Edward had already returned the RSVP saying we would be in attendance.

I didn't have Alice, but I had Elizabeth and four days to find something to wear… My displeasure to Edward wasn't unknown, but I couldn't whine to Elizabeth without sounding jealous. Alice would understand… It's just, I haven't heard from her in so long and I'm afraid to make that first call. She should be home for summer… I don't know.

Elizabeth spotted the gorgeous blue mummy dress. At least that's what I was calling it. It looked like it was composed solely of layered sapphire blue satin ribbons. It fit like a glove and made me recognize curves I never quite admitted were mine; it's much harder to ignore when you're surrounded by five mirrors. The v-neck in the sleeveless open back dress was almost deep enough to make me self conscious… And the length seemed daringly short…

I didn't expect Elizabeth to approve, but when she did - I was sold. The open toed matching blue satin heels with a cute little bow at the heel were something else. I continued to practice walking by pacing the hall between the kitchen and den while I nervously waited for Edward. I didn't have a super model walk, but I managed not to trip over my own feet - goal accomplished!

Edward looked sharp in a black tuxedo - his shoulders appeared broader, his step was fascinatingly smoother… It was as if he were born to wear a suit always, so comfortable and sure of himself. His confidence was completely admirable and sexy.

"Are you looking for something? Because we're going to be late…"

"Mmm… Is that a promise?" I shamelessly grope him and at first he likes it a lot… Instantly leaping to attention and hardening under the gentle rush of my fingers, but eventually he catches my wrist to stop my hand from running down the front of his pants...

"Bella," he groans as I kiss his neck softly. He smells sooo good - freshly showered, shaved, no baby goo, no toxic paint fumes - _All mine!_

"I'm the best man, I have to be on time…" _Tsk, tsk _- he warns me like a child, scolding as he hurries me out to the car. I almost trip on the walk and debate changing my shoes, but Edward won't have any of it, he's pulling me along too fast for protest.

"I know this is the last place you'd want to be, but thank you - and you look gorgeous..." He thanks me and tries to butter me up once he has me locked inside the car.

"Yeah, considering he called me a nobody. Who would guess Mike doesn't have many friends…" I pissed and moaned as I watched the scenery whiz by…

"I've already recognized I shouldn't have made that my problem… Will you at least smile for me?" His hand catches my knee along with my full attention, I force a smile and he tickles behind my knee stealing the real deal along with a laugh.

"You're not playing fair," I whine, piss, and moan some more through defenseless laughter… Edward laughs, valiantly soaking up my vulnerability.

By the time we arrive, I make a great supporting actress…

I feel over dressed and there's enough eyes on me to make me self conscious about my own breathing. I should have known this would be a _classy_ affair… The diapers and car seat on the wedding registry should have tipped me off. My only consolation was that Edward was equally overdressed. Most were dressed for a backyard barbeque, not a wedding…

None of the wedding party matched, Edward out shined the groom, and the bride had to be at least six months pregnant. An older woman sitting in front of me commented loudly to the woman sitting next to her over her disbelief and irritation because Tanya was wearing white. Later, after the ceremony I found out it was her grandmother.

Edward's toast was simple - "It's about time you admit I'm the best man." The crowd chuckled and I couldn't agree more.

Thankfully the drinks were flowing and nobody was carding.

I despised Tanya and Mike enough to allow them to rent space in my head. Now the karma bus had come full circle to run them down, except an innocent child was now involved…

There weren't many smiling faces, just a lot of whispering on how they hope they make it. On some level I found myself insulted, honestly - I'm thrilled we eloped. Their ceremony was more of a funeral than a celebration of love…

We danced for what felt like hours. The shots kept pouring and with each drink Edward was getting more frisky and comfortable with groping me in public. We were having a good time…

"They're talking about us again…" I smile as Edward somewhat gracefully rocks me on the dance floor, alcohol has left each step smaller and sloppier than the last. The two old biddies sitting in front of me during the ceremony hadn't stopped squawking the entire night. It seemed no matter which end of the dance floor we'd shift to, they weren't more than a few feet away, it was becoming laughable yet irritating.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to go fuck my wife." Edward announces over his shoulder before abruptly leading me off the dance floor. They were shocked alright… However, coincidentally my expression matched theirs. I had to pick up my jaw on the way out.

He was leading me away from the crowd and across the parking lot faster than he led me to the car earlier… When I proved to be having trouble keeping up and fell into him, he stopped only to throw me over his shoulder.

"Someone's eager to get home…" I laugh and he responds by smacking my ass.

"I can't wait that long," he insists. My feet find solid ground and in the next breath his lips are consuming mine.

"We should probably call a cab…" My breathing is ragged and still I can't help but giggle like a school girl…

.

.

_The night walked down the sky;_

_with the moon in her hand._

.

.

"Hold that for me," he grins in the near darkness as he stuffs his tie down into my cleavage and un-tucks his dress shirt. We're just outside the bright circle of a nearby street lamp in the parking lot.

"Edward," I scold by the time he reaches the fourth button on his shirt, he has got to be kidding… He responds by grabbing my hips and lifting me onto the hood…

"This isn't even our car," I note - intrigued.

"I know," he smirks as he quickly finishes unbuttoning his shirt… Then takes my hands and props them on his chest before gripping my thighs and sliding me closer to the edge. His bare defined chest rising warm and solid under my hands is an instant turn on…

Age has redefined his body entirely and I often find myself captivated with his metamorphose. To know him so intimately from beginning to end; history has me chained. I gaze upon him with admiration and love… _An innocent love born before either of us knew the real definition of love. He was meant to be mine and I his, always._

"Remember what happened the last time we tried this…" I know this is a bad idea, but between the tequila shots and _my husband _undressing for me with need in his eyes - I'm fairly convinced…

"I won't let anyone see you," he promises - softly suckling along my neck until I'm really, really, really convinced! Except the dress is too tight… I hop off the hood and Edward spins me around, his chest heaves with his lack of patience against my back as he frantically tries to shimmy my dress up over my hips… I giggle. I had a hell of a time myself; especially during those last two trips to the ladies room. _Yeah, it's his turn… _

I try to turn around once the cool summer night breeze catches my ass. "Keep your hands on the hood, I've almost got it," he assures me with a soft laugh as he slips off his jacket and positions it over my exposed rear… Seconds later and his length brushes between my legs from behind, wasting little time in his attempt to inch his way inside.

"Relax… I know you want this just as much as I do." His husky tone sends me over the edge and I submit to his needs with a guttural moan upon his hips colliding into me.

Our heavy breathing drowns out the sound of the music playing off in the distance, with one hand on my hip and the other at the back of my neck he has me firmly placed right where he wants me…

_Bent over the hood of some strangers car…_

I love… The way he takes control, sinking - deeper, harder, faster… The silky lining of his jacket rubbing, the cold steel of his belt buckle grazing against my skin each time we connect…. The way his fingers brush in almost a tickle along my neck as he tightens his grip on my hip, I can feel each finger digging with their promise to leave a mark…

_These are a few of my favorite things… _

"I love you…" His tone was but a blur past my ear as he lifts and spins me onto the hood. Immediately the cold steel buckles and begins making ghastly popping noises with each repetitive quick thrust.

"Mmm… I love you," I echo my thoughts - _he's a fucking mind reader… _I tug at his lips with each forward thrust, trying to slow him down. Almost certain there's a permanent crease in the hood to my left. The fear of getting caught is now completely overriding the thrill… I tense out of fear and he spills out onto the tire, sinking his teeth into his lower lip…

I slide off the hood and try to compose myself, but I'm feeling a bit light headed and it's enough to have me giggling again. I can't get my shit together, yet it's hilarious.

"We should call a cab," I confirm as I stumble in my quest to slink away from the evidence left behind… A quickie that didn't seem quick enough. Glancing around, I think we're in the clear.

"First, we need to fix your dress…" I'd like to say he graciously helped me, but it took the both of us tugging and me wriggling to get the dress back over my ass.

.

.

_Drowning in darkness -_

_The stars in the heavens still twinkle in his eyes._

.

.

We discreetly or not so discreetly touch and kiss during the cab ride home… The champagne has gone right to my head, it's all bubbles and I can't gauge how composed I am. I'm happy, really happy - and so is Edward, I think.

I expected tonight to be awful and dreadful, while parts of it were - it was fun. I forgot what it was like to throw caution to the wind and just let go.

I waddle up the front walk; I can't discern if it's the dress or the shoes, the weight of Edward's jacket slung over my shoulders - perhaps I forgot how to walk… The door seems so far away, especially when Edward manages to beat me there.

"You need some help, honey?" I can't tell if he's being genuine or poking fun. _See this smile? - I don't care_… I push my way up the steps, trip, and stumble into his arms with a hearty laugh.

Edward laughs, lowering himself at the waist he allows me to use him for balance… Clearly, I have no choice. When he starts rubbing my calf I find it a little awkward until I realize he's trying to help me out of my shoes…

"Oh," I stumble back and sort of kick step out of them. My red aching toes feel so good against the cold tile, so good that I absentmindedly moan. I can't help it…

"That's better," he comments while staring at me in - wonder?…

"What's that look for?"

"You're radiant, absolutely glowing…"

"I'm sweating tequila. Zipper, please?" Edward obliges my request and helps me yank the dress over my head. I throw it on the floor near my shoes beside the door, decidedly that I'll never wear it again. It held up better when I was sober, but not well enough to keep.

I don't want this night to be over, thus my refusal to go upstairs. I realize I can't stand in the entry in skimpy undergarments all night, but I don't want sleep to take me too soon… and I can feel it waging a war behind fluttering eyelids growing heavy.

Edward picks up his jacket off the floor and tosses it over the banister, climbing up to the second step he waits patient.

"Bella…" he calls for me in a rather playful tone before taking the next step.

"Make love to me here…" The words escape my lips before I have much time to process them. It's just we've never done it anywhere except in our bedroom, until tonight… _I never had the voice to complain, if it would even be considered a valid complaint? - I did not know the answer. _

"In front of the door?"

"On the door, the floor, where ever you'll take me." I sink my teeth into my lower lip, not because I'm uncertain of what I had just offered but because I'm terribly anxious for his reply.

Even more so when he looks away and relinquishes an exasperated sigh… I don't know what it means.

"I'm tired…" We're the words I didn't expect to hear. Words that made me shrink and feel so small and inadequate. Edward has refused my advances time and again, it never gets any easier.

Edward dresses for bed and I quietly slip under the comforter. Alcohol amplifies my emotions, I know this… yet I can't control them. It takes everything within me to not cry.

"Goodnight, I love you…" he leans from his side of the bed and whispers along my hair.

"I love you too," I whisper.

Too much alcohol leads me to slumber the minute I allow my eyes to fully close.

.

.

_Drunkenness is nothing but - _

_Voluntary Madness._

.

.

I wake to the sounds of Edward clunking around in the kitchen, roll over and run my palms over the sides of my head. The pressure is distracting from the horrible battle raging in my skull and each clank from below only further emphasizes the pain behind my eyes.

"Edw…" I try to curse Edward but the sound of my own voice is painful.

Several minutes later and there's complete silence…

The distinct echo of dishes colliding sounds as Edward tries to sneak into the bedroom with a breakfast tray. He made me breakfast… It took everything within me to force a smile and try to be appreciative.

He immediately comes to my aid with aspirins and a glass of orange juice to wash it down.

Or a mimosa - I recognize after the first sip that leaves a bitter taste on my tongue. The thought of champagne makes my stomach bubble.

"It was probably the cheap champagne, this should help..."

"Probably," I stare down at the glass with concern and decided to finish it in one long swallow. Looking down at the plate Edward set before me, I was grateful there was no eggs or sickeningly sweet smelling maple anything.

Dry toast… I was immediately disappointed that so much racket was required to toast two slices of bread, but upon further inspection I realized he cut them into cute triangular wedges… and already I felt better, comforted.

"I'm sorry about last night… I haven't been that intoxicated in a very long time, it was almost scary…" Edward paused, he looked like he had a dozen thoughts ready to blurt out all at once and couldn't determine which to speak first.

"Scary? Well, I had fun…" I shrug, offering a small smile before chomping down onto a piece of crusty bread, I'm surprised at how hungry I am after a couple of bites. Edward rises off the edge of the bed and moves to the sink to brush his teeth.

"You didn't have fun?" I ask softly, concerned that the conversation died too abruptly.

"You're my best friend and… my wife, I always have fun with you." Just the way he says my wife, like it's a title - so much emphasis… I find myself more concerned than reassured. I feel like something is obviously bothering him, but I can't figure out what.

I admit to myself that maybe we did get a little carried away, it was a wedding and he probably reflected on our relationship just as much as I did. I know he wants a _real _wedding… I decide to dress as soon as I finish my breakfast, Edward slips past and disappears down the hall. Suddenly I feel like I'm racing to catch up with him.

There's a knock at the door and I assume Elizabeth needs childcare for Abby; we don't get too many visitors these days. The thought of Abby squealing has my head thumping, I want silence and darkness… More than that I want to decipher this funk Edward is in, my desire to fix him is stronger than anything.

From the banister I can see Edward talking at the door. Whomever it is, he's decided he's not going to invite them in. The door is only half open and he's blocking their view of inside as well as my view of them. Edward starts talking faster as I approach. When he can no longer hide whom he's speaking with, he swings the door open and I come face to face with…

"Jake…" my tone is full of surprise. I can't imagine what would lead him to our door. I know he delivers for his father, but he usually doesn't stay next door for more than a few minutes; just long enough to drop off baked treats for Charlie - _most he can't even eat… _

"I… I uh saw you left early last night and I was just asking Edward if you might have seen anything." _Seen what?_

"Oh? I didn't even see you there…" My expression contorts, I hadn't seen him at the wedding. While it's quite plausible Mike would have invited him - I wasn't quite sure what he was getting at.

"I found this by my front fender…" Edward quickly grasps the silver object from his hand before my eyes can completely focus on what it is.

"I must have lost my cuff link on our way out to catch the cab," Edward nods appreciatively. "We still have to go pick up our car," he then turns to me and I nod in agreement.

"I won't take up anymore of your time then. I was hopeful you might have seen something…," he shakes his head, angry. "Well… Good-day…" The intense fire in his eyes shook me all the way down to the depths of my core, I prayed I didn't look as guilty as I felt and was thankful Edward abruptly closed the door…

Jake knew, he was giving me the benefit of the doubt - but not Edward…

"Ready to go pick up the car?" Edward asks as he moves to slip on a pair of worn sneakers beside the door.

"Last night, that was Jake's car…" I note softly.

"I guess…" Edward exhales heavy, he won't even look at me…

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I growl.

"Fine, I knew! I don't know what I was thinking… I wasn't thinking." He runs his hands over his face, hiding the shame that should be evident.

"I can't believe…" I don't even know where to begin. I thought we were having spontaneous fun - not premeditated maliciousness against Jake. I'm angry and upset, but more than that I feel dirty and used… _Never did I ever think Edward would make me feel this way and here we are…_

"Is it so very wrong of me to be proud to be your husband; or is it because you're ashamed to be my wife? At first I could somewhat understand keeping it a secret, but you still haven't even told Alice…" Jumping topic - he speaks frantically, frustrated and angry…

"Alice can't keep a secret to save her life," I admit. _Plus she'd be pissed - she's expecting to be maid of honor. _

"I told Jasper after Charlie had his stroke, thus far it doesn't look like he told Alice or anyone for that matter."

"What are you trying to prove? You have better friends?" I couldn't understand his need to defend Jasper time and again. _Fuck!_

"It's so painfully obvious that I love you more." He steps forward, barefoot - he towers over me. I'm hardly intimidated, just really fucking confused…

"If you had seen the way he was looking at you," he hisses.

"I didn't even know he was there!" I confess in a near scream and my brain feels like its rattling around in my head with the vibrations of my voice.

"The first time I grabbed your ass on the dance floor, it was entirely territorial and still he eyeballed you just to piss me off," he growls - so angry I can hear his teeth grinding. The very same anger I obviously failed to recognize the previous night… I thought he was messing with the old biddies…

"I thought you wanted to be with me… But nooooo! I was just a pawn in the fucking game you were playing with him." I walk away before I say something I might surely regret. I'm so hurt by his jealousy; a pain he obviously can't comprehend right now.

"I'm sorry, I told you I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't want you to find out like this, I tried to tell you…" He extends his arm to reach for me and I jerk my elbow to keep him from touching me. I plant my hands firmly on the kitchen counter to refrain from slapping him until the tears burst from my eyes. My composure - hanging by a thread…

.

.

**~End Chapter 27 - Tortured Turn**

Thanks for dropping by!

.

.

Lyrics were also used from Fiery Blue - Turn back to me.

Meme & friends - Thanks for the pep talks between my shoddy internet service, look forward to our chats now that I'm back up and running. Love you, muah!

Thank you for pimping my stories - it takes a village. Please check out my favorites and show them some love.


	28. Chapter 28 Tortured Night

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 28 - Tortured Night**

.

Welcome to the planet  
Welcome to existence  
Everyone's here  
Everyone's here  
Everybody's watching you now  
Everybody waits for you now  
What happens next  
What happens next

I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout  
Welcome to resistance  
The tension is here  
Tension is here  
Between who you are and who you could be  
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell  
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell  
Where can you run to escape from yourself?  
Where you gonna go?  
Where you gonna go?  
Salvation is here

I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened before  
(Switch foot - Dare you to move)

.

.

Edward continues to apologize profusely and when he doesn't get a response he tells me he's going next door. I'm relieved, I need time… At the very least we should pay for the damages to Jake's car - but not once has Edward made any such offer. His anger only fuels him to justify his actions as if they're reasonable - when they are anything but…

I spend the late afternoon doing odd chores and keeping myself busy. I see Edward's side even though it's completely inexcusable and irrational behavior. I love him so much, it hurts…

As the sun begins to set, I find myself sweeping the porch for a lack of anything else to clean. I peer next door in debate on whether or not I should go over for dinner and spot Edward sitting on their porch with his head cast low, Charlie at his side. I can see his lips moving, I can't decipher what he's saying but Charlie remains motionless as he looks out over the freshly cut lawn, listening quietly.

I know in my heart that Edward will be a good man and that makes this so much harder… There's still a great part of him that reflects an immature boy and some days I don't think he'll ever grow up. At least without protest and after getting on my every last nerve…

I lean the broom against the house and reach behind the potted plant on the porch where Edward thinks he has his cigarettes hidden well. I light one up, even if the only appeal is that he doesn't want me to. I cough on the first drag and pull my shirt up over my face to muffle the sound… It's not as smooth or as comforting as Edward makes it appear to be. However, by the third or fourth drag it's a little smoother and my head starts buzzing with warmth… Since he switched to lights the flavor is a little milder, but it still tastes like burnt pretzels in my opinion - perhaps just a little less burnt.

I realize Edward is still ashamed of who he is… Which is absolutely fucking ridiculous.

When my nerves finally settle, I recognize my role. I should have accepted his subtle cues as truth instead of brushing it off as nonsense. I don't always take him seriously and I don't know if that's entirely my fault or just a symptom of playing off the side effects of his diagnosis. I often find it hard to tell when he's being serious or having episodes of grandeur.

Admittedly up until this stunt with Jake, he's been wonderfully supportive. I don't give him enough credit or praise for everything he endures for me… Last but not least - I don't even give him the pleasure of living up to a title he currently owns. Which is the one thing that he keeps asking of me time and again… Husband and wife, quite simple really.

_We're playing house anyway, as everyone calls it… _

When I'm done being silly and give up on trying to make smoke rings in the dark… I put my cigarette out in the dirt of the potted plant beside the first step and find three other cigarette butts left behind by Edward.

.

.

A _fire_ at one end,

a _fool_ at the other,

and a bit of tobacco in between…

.

.

I decide to go back inside before I get caught staring… I don't even know who my father is anymore, I can't even pretend. He's so frail and I'm quite certain he isn't pleased that we get to see him like _this_… He doesn't care for visitors; lately the only person he really connects with is Edward. They were enemies and now they're practically best friends - connected at the hip and shit. It's so strange - and yet comforting seeing them together like that. Hell, if I cried to him he'd probably take Edward's side at this point.

Green isn't a good color on me, but I sort of envy what they share. I just don't know how to achieve that anymore, with anyone really… Little by little I've secluded myself back on that comfortable island and Edward only gets to grace it because he's stranded to share the same living quarters. _Lucky him…_

"Hey," I jump out of my skin, startled by Edward's sudden presence… Nothing like getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

"I didn't hear you come in," I admit, flustered by his quick approach - I offer him an Oreo cookie. Double stuff - the good stuff. He accepts the cookie for what it is; a peace offering. He's probably thankful I didn't chuck it at his head… He rests the cookie on the kitchen counter and takes my hands in his.

"Edward, you don't have to apologize anymore… We all make mistakes." I offer with a small shake of my head. Truthfully I can't see myself with anyone but Edward. For there to be consequences for his actions, there would come dire consequences for myself. I put up with his shit because he puts up with mine; tit for tat. To let him go - would kill me. I can't punish him without punishing myself - that's a reality I'm not willing to face.

_He's like the last and only fucking friend I have and he adores the fact that I'm usually a miserable bitch - because he's crazy…_

"Some of us make more than others," he responds softly.

"I'm going to resolve that," I nod sinking my teeth into my bottom lip. It's long overdue, I should have mustered the courage months ago…

"Are you going to kick my ass? Because, I'd deserve it…" he notes solemnly.

"That too, but… I'm going to tell Charlie we're married." The words leave my lips with uncertainty. I'm not sure how, but I know that I must - even though the idea of doing it terrifies me.

"Bella… You set the ground rules and I accepted the terms. This is my issue and I'm sorry that I keep making it your problem. I realize I haven't been fair."

"Sorry for what? Being my husband?…. These are our problems," I correct him.

"My problems," he insists. His grip on my hands grow firm, reeling me in until my face is merely inches from his.

"Ours," I correct him with a smile… Leaning in I brush my lips softly against his. It hurts to be upset with him, exhausting really. I just want to kiss and make up like they do in the movies, have hot mind blowing make up sex to forget it ever happened.

"I don't deserve your love or forgiveness. I'm a complete fuck up..."

"That's what unconditional love is, now stop being foolish... Shut up and kiss me." My demand for a kiss warrants a soft chuckle from Edward whom I've apparently caught off guard. It's so good to see him smile; to know that I can break him from the dreariest of moods… even if I can be a miserable bitch.

.

.

_Suited perfectly_

_For eternity_

_Me and you_

.

.

I kept my word, even with Edward's protests. I went next door and broke down in front of Charlie. Basically throwing myself at his mercy and hoping he wouldn't think any less of me for running off and getting married behind his back. I can't rewrite history. All I can do is come clean and hope for the best. After all, we made it this far - with our one year anniversary fast approaching…

Tension was running high at first, there were long periods of silence between the many questions in which they sought answers. He seemed more disappointed that Edward had outright lied to him when questioned about our matching silver rings… I tried to accept all responsibility, but Edward wouldn't have it.

Just when I thought the situation would go from bad to worse… There was hugging, lots of it… And a few tears. Apologies were being swept all around the room. In the end they were amazed we were able to contain it for so long in a small town, though they had their suspicions… _Isn't that what they always say?_

We shared a quiet dinner together. I don't know how Elizabeth does this day in and day out. Charlie stares off into space while everyone eats. He's still having issues with food, he gets liquids and even that proves to be an issue - he often chokes. It's enough to make you feel guilty for eating in front of him…

I give him a kiss goodbye and remind him that I love him… More than he'll ever know because mentally I'm stuck in a bad place when it comes to his condition. I don't know what to say to comfort him and I never was or am very good at bullshitting. Thankfully I have Edward to fill in all the blanks, pick up where I fall short, my better half - my everything…

"That went much better than expected…" Edward admits with a grin the minute we get back home. He's positively beaming and I find it so silly that something so small can make him smile so big. Suddenly it didn't seem like such a big deal, an insignificant detail… Obviously it meant the world to him and I only wish I had told Charlie sooner.

"Yeah, it went over really well," I nod with a smile. Seeing Edward happy makes me happy. I kiss his lips softly and offer to get us some drinks if he sets up a movie…

I'm exhausted and relaxing in front of the tube sounds divine; movie night. I know we have to find some resolution for Jake, however I have no intention of bickering - not tonight.

Just as I finish pouring us glasses of iced tea, Edward startles me with a sudden pull at my hips and a soft brush of lips along my neck…

"Thank you," his voice - but a soft needy whisper.

"I know, pouring tea is hard labor… Just don't get used to it buddy," I tease.

"No, you know what I mean…" His laces his arms around me so tight, sinking his chin into the curve of my shoulder. The weight of him tells me he's relaxed, more so relieved…

"There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you," I remind him.

"Ditto…"

.

.

_When I said I do_

_I meant that I will…_

.

.

I know he loves me, in the way he suckles on my lower lip and sinks what little left of the nails he has deep into my skin. The nail biter still manages to mark me while hips collide at an uneven pace.

"Mmm, harder…" I beg; he replies with a grunt laced with a surprised feel good soft laugh… His body trembles as his back arches under the imprint of my fingertips. I know it won't be long, still - I want more. Lately, he always leaves me wanting more - I've become insatiable, as crazy as that might sound. It's like we've finally found our groove and I don't dare consider the consequence of losing it again, I just know it would suck.

This closeness, that's what I end up missing the most…

With his medications, his sex drive is questionable at best.

Does he savor and relish in these moments; just as I do?

Somehow my request is lost in translation, he continues making a slow exit, followed by a forceful thrust inward. I realize I probably should have thrown *faster* in there somewhere…

"Faster," I hum along his ear offering a gentle nibble on his lobe…

And it's too late…

I try not to let my disappointment show at the sudden disconnect when Edward pulls away. When I feel I can put on a brave face, I shift my eyes in his direction… He leaves a trail of bloody footprints, outlining each small step…

"Edward, you're bleeding…"

"It's nothing," he confirms - grabbing a few paper towels from beside the sink… Looking down, the modern handles on the drawers being the culprit. He managed to bang and slice his shins up pretty good… Immediately I feel guilty for being so suggestive-demanding about being spontaneous and stepping out of the bedroom more often… Always, when I think he doesn't listen nor care - he always proves me wrong.

"Let me see," I plead. Hopping off the island counter-top, Edward is right there to steady me…

"I'm fine, are you?" His question leaves me bewildered for two seconds… Fuck, he saw my disappointment… "Grab me a few band-aids, would you?" I leap right to the task, taking on the stairs two at a time I reach the master bath and fumble through the drawers to find the first aid kit. I come up with a box of band-aids and some Neosporin minutes later…

When I come around the corner leading into the kitchen, Edward's seated at the table looking glum. Somehow he manages to perk up at the mere sight of me… He smiles - taking the offered bandages from my shaky hand. "I'll be fine," he promises… I untwist the cap and rest the Neosporin on the table beside him.

I pick up Edward's discarded t-shirt from the floor, suddenly aware of how cold a kitchen can be. Cold tile, stark white, awkward injuries, sudden silence, bare assed - naked… Sadly one cotton shirt can't cure everything, but it smells divine and calms the crazy dancing about in my head…

I move around the island to make myself useful, but it appears Edward has already cleaned up the blood… So I step over to resume hovering over Edward, which I know greatly annoys him - but I can't help but be curious… "Are you sure? There's a lot of blood…" or there was…

"It was my doing, I'm fine." His tone abruptly gets a little snippier with each reply…

"You're not inadequate…" My tone comes out in a slur, slow-motion…

"What?" His gaze raises from tending to his minor scrapes, yet somehow they bleed like a flowing river…

"I'm good. That expression earlier… I didn't mean anything by it," I insist.

"Bella," he exhales long and slow with closed eyes… I kneel on the floor in front of him and assist with sticking the bandages on his wounds.

"I know it's a lot of temporary solutions. One thing fixes this or that, but creates another new problem. One problem into the next, its become a downward spiral. You don't understand the restraint it takes to hold back even that long…" he scoffs before offering up a soft laugh… I know it's not a joking matter, it hurts him just as much as it hurts me…

"I understand…" Not really, but I try to remain sympathetic…

"Yeah, well I'm glad you do… because I don't. If I'm fixing the wrong problem, let me know… I just can't fix all of them." His sharp exhale only fuels the guilt I'm feeling.

"I'm not ungrateful." My tone is but a whisper as I watch Edward hide his visible defects as he slowly steps back into his jeans…

Seconds later we hear a loud bang, then a second… It sounds familiar, almost like fireworks. However, while I'm eager to brush it off since the weekend is upon us - Edward goes darting out the front door barefoot and shirtless…

.

.

Twilight drops her curtain down,

and pins it with a star

.

.

I find my jeans and shimmy them on. Gaze out the window in fear, uncertain as to what the hell is going on. The lights next door flood the front lawn… My mind immediately shifts to the worst case scenarios. Curiosity leads me to the porch where I can get a better view, but fear keeps my feet firmly planted. I leave the door cracked just in case I need to do something… Run for safety, call the police…

Where is Edward? My eyes shift from shadow to shadow, still - I can't find him.

I wait for Edward to come back. He'll tell me it's nothing and laugh at my foolishness as he rubs away the tension…

That doesn't happen…

Screams swirl and mix with the howl of the night wind… Abby cries, Elizabeth screams. I don't know where Edward fits into all of this. I just know he's out there… The sound of my own heart beating floods my ears as panic sets in…

Just as I find my rationale to call for help, I have a hard time finding my footing… Edward calls my name just as I'm about to make it inside. Slowly he crosses the lawn with a shiny dark liquid coating his hands… Blood on his hands! My lips move but no sound comes out. Rendered completely incapable and useless in a time of emergency…

I stumble down the porch to meet Edward, lots of false starts - still I can't find my voice. I can't comprehend where all of this blood has come from. I grip his wrist and raise his bloodied hand between us, but he gives little explanation… "Don't go Bella, don't go over there…"

My lips quiver as I try to extend my voice to seek a deeper explanation, still no sound… I give Edward a shove, but he steps in to grip me tight… His shirt absorbs the slickness and I can feel the bloody wetness seep through to my back, my stomach churns and I'm conflicted with vomiting or passing out…

I push one foot in front of the other, inching my way closer to next door even with Edward trying to hold me back… "Baby, no…" he sobs.

I shakily make it several feet before sirens fill the air, it isn't but a minute later before a few squad cars arrive accompanied by an ambulance… As the police enter the home, I find security and push harder than ever to get closer to make sense of what happened inside…

I fight Edward, not really finding my voice - but garbled incoherent sounds that come out sounding like a strangled cry. Just when I think he might let me go, he tackles and pins me down to the earth… The grass blades light up like on the fourth of July from the medic and police lights - but I know this isn't a celebration, nor are there any fireworks…

_Except for the shots fired earlier… _My brain comprehends that what I heard earlier must have been gunfire. _Blood, so much blood… _

"No!" I scream, digging my nails and knees into the cold ground - trying to claw my way to the doorstep when an officer approaches and Edward's weight is suddenly lifted. I run, so fast - the cold night wind burns my face…

I reach the door and get a glimpse of Elizabeth from behind, surrounded by officers and paramedics…. I'm almost there, so close to seeing what Edward is adamant that I not… When the air is strangled from my lungs and the scenery whizzes by until I'm facing the street with Edward grunting at my back… "Fuck! No! Stop!"

I wail, kicking and screaming - but it doesn't do much to slow Edward's pace down. Whatever he has seen has given him super human strength meant to keep me away. We reach the porch and at the incline I have the advantage. Digging my toes into the wooden boards of the porch steps I continue to fight and push back, this is as far as he can lead me…

Flashes of light spark from the front door like a strobe light… Pictures, they're taking pictures. Why are they taking pictures?

I wiggle and worm, prodding Edward with elbows and flailing limbs… He's too strong and I find myself growing weak as the adrenaline starts to wear thin. He almost has me over the next step and only then do I straighten my legs completely, remaining focused on what little fight I have left. I will not go inside and certainly not peacefully, no chance in hell.

The wheels of the stretcher creak and jingle on their exit out of the house. It takes four large men to bring it down from the porch… Edward pushes hard at my back, relentless….

Flashes of light reflect off vinyl, only then do I realize it's a body bag and not a sheet. The doors of the ambulance close and some of the squad cars start moving out, but we're not alone…

Crowds of people dressed for bed litter the street, to watch the scene unfold…

My knees give and Edward nearly drops me onto the steps, just in time for me to empty the contents of my stomach. Everything comes pouring out in steady streams of vomit, snot, and tears…

When I find my footing, the scenery starts whizzing by…

I see stars.

I see night.

I see black…

.

.

**~End Chapter 28 - Tortured Night**

Thanks for dropping by!

.

.

The next chapter will be posted later today.


	29. Chapter 29 Tortured Parting

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 29 - Tortured Parting**

.

.

I'm not afraid of anything in this world

There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find a decent melody

A song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool

But darling, look at you

You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight

These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake, the colors that you bring

But the nights you filled with fireworks

They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me

I listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool

To worry like you do

I know it's tough, and you can never get enough

Of what you don't really need now ... my oh my

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

Oh love look at you now

You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep

The water is warm till you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping for me it was a fall

It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better now

You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over

And if the day won't last

And if our way should falter

Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over

And if the day won't last

And if your way should falter

Along the stony pass

It's just a moment

This time will pass

(U2 - Stuck in a moment you can't get out of)

.

.

Black, a sea of blackness. Crowds traveled from beyond our small town, plenty of people I couldn't recognize and some I didn't know but could recall had attended my mother's funeral. Lots of sympathetic faces and apologies, from everyone…. Except the one person I needed to hear it from the most. He lie frozen, cold to the touch - yet painted in vibrant golden and peachy hues that made him look like he was bathing in sunlight… While I remained lifeless under the sterile funeral home lighting with swollen eyes held up by dark navy crescent moons.

I memorized every detail from his very best Sunday dress, the softness of the blue velvet that lined the walls of the solid cherry wood casket I'd selected, solely because it was the most expensive. Baskets adorned with silk and sheer ribbons overflowing with violets rest neatly beside. Spotting a decorative artificial butterfly in one of the arrangements triggers more tears.

He's not going to be here to watch the leaves fall…

To piss and moan when he sees me out in chilly weather with wet hair…

Three days of tears and it mentally and physically hurts to cry. The saltiness burns like acid on irritated skin from wiping them dry far too many times.

I despise his silence… I hate funerals and I fucking abhor hosting them.

I'm spiteful at how peaceful he looks lying there…

_How could he just leave me, like this? With no parting words or lasting good-bye, but suddenly and without apology!_

Edward has been the voice that graciously accepts each sympathetic gesture. I don't have any words, just tears. Elizabeth isn't doing much better, we're paddling in the same boat at opposing directions, spinning in the black sea. Abby babbles da-da gleefully with outstretched fingers toward his casket and I admire her innocence. More blasted fucking tears!

I don't understand…

The more I try to seek answers, the harder it hurts.

Edward keeps me supplied with fresh tissues and hot coffee. Every once in awhile, he brings me a small plate of cookies…

"You have to eat something," his tone becomes less sensitive each time I decline with a soft shake of my head.

When the last of the visitors leave, the funeral home starts turning down the lights… All day I wanted to escape this room and now I find it hard to leave. To go home again, without him…

Abby fusses on the ride home and Elizabeth coos in the back seat until she falls asleep. I quietly watch the dark landscape whiz by through blurry tear filled eyes…

.

.

_A butterfly lights beside us_

_Like a sunbeam and for a brief moment_

_Its glory and beauty belongs to the world_

_But then it flies on again and although we wish it could have stayed_

_We are so thankful to have seen it at all_

.

.

Edward lifts Abby out of her car seat and holds her tight against his chest, she remains limp like a sack of potatoes… Sleep, sounds good… Having not slept in days, I hardly believe it will come for me.

When I move toward our walk, Edward calls out to make sure I'll be alright. I offer a solemn nod and fidget to find the keys in my small purse. Edward wouldn't let me inside their shared home until the gruesome remains of the act had been cleaned. Now that it has, I have very little desire to be within those walls… The answers - every detail; bleached away…

Sleep deprived, I can't seem to find the right key for the door and by the time I do Edward is breathing heavily at my back. "Let me help," he insists.

"I've got it…" I push the door open, allowing the weight of the door to pull me in. I'm of no use to anyone, not even myself. I'm but a rag doll, fueled by the caffeine of cheap burnt funeral home coffee and I can't get the wretched taste off my seemingly always dry tongue.

Edward helps me remove my dress coat, then I slip out of my flats. Immediately my feet pant a sigh of relief after being contained in women's formal shoes. I've decided whomever was in charge of designing them must have forgotten women have toes, ten of them… How sad, that this is the fucking highlight of my day!

Edward hangs his suit jacket on the banister while I continue to regain feeling in my toes…

"Do you want anything from the kitchen?" He offers. I shake my head softly, wondering how he could eat - just thinking about the quantity of cookies he'd consumed during the day has my stomach doing flip flops…

I crawl up to our room and climb into bed, not bothering to change out of the dress I'll wear again tomorrow. Every inch of my body aches and my mind is one big knot of currents that continue to fight against each other as they beg for answers. I have a pounding headache…

I feel Edward's weight hit the bed and not long after his fingers are pulling my hair away from my face… When he realizes I'm still awake… "Here, please eat something…" I can smell the smoked turkey before I even shift my gaze to eyeball the sandwich he's offering.

"Can you get me some aspirin," I groan - nauseated by the smell of food.

"Only if you eat something. It'll probably get rid of the headache, you may not even need the aspirin…" Edward diagnoses and it makes me angry.

"I'm tired of you telling me what to do and what I can and can't do! My father is dead Edward! Now get me some aspirin or leave me the fuck alone!" I growl with a rage that frightens me as soon as the words leave my lips - I almost don't mean them. I don't mean to be so terrible…

"No," Edward states sternly. In fact he props up the pillows on his side and sets up a little picnic right in our bed. To prove what? That we'll be sleeping in crumbs…

"Don't eat in the bed," I scold.

"It's my bed too, don't tell me where I can or can't eat," he shrugs.

"Are you fucking serious?"

"If you expect me to listen, maybe you should do a little of it yourself."

"You're really going to pick a fight with me? Over this? Now?"

"Anything I do makes you mad," he notes smug. "Like you, I give up."

.

.

_I'm not giving up…_

_I just can't,_

_Not now anyway…_

.

.

The church is even more crowded than the funeral home, people I hadn't seen the day before come to give their sympathy. I feel pathetic enough without it… I catch my reflection in a stained glass window and realize I'd forgotten to brush my hair. I run my fingers through a few tangles before giving up. Elizabeth reaches in her purse to offer me a comb…

I take it and run my fingers along the teeth… If it were a razor-blade I'd slash my wrists if only to end this day sooner. By far, it's the hardest…

So many speak and read quotes from the bible. Elizabeth nudges, but I just shake my head. All I want to do is give everyone a big ole fuck you! It's not fair… Some of my old classmates are here with both parents and I don't have not one left… The anger has been building, but the sorrow that tends to follow keeps me rather sedate and tame - in a zombie like state.

Graveside, I realize what Charlie had done has been very hush-hush. A flag drapes his coffin and he still receives a twenty-one salute, even though he took the cowardly way out. Bag pipes play in the distance, but keep drawing near… Eventually the crowd parts and I spot the piper at the head of Charlie's casket. Dear God, this has to be some sick cruel joke… My head can't possibly take anymore of this madness! I stand ready to explode like a volcano, but find silence…

I wake to Edward hovering over me in the grass, Elizabeth fanning me heavily with her purse while trying to contain Abby at her hip. Beyond the pair, I realize there's dozens looking over their shoulders to see what has become of me… I don't have any answers, but I find it hard to breathe…

"She's fine…" Edward yanks me from the earth by my shoulders, an officer shoves a folded flag into my arms, and Edward wraps his arm around my waist so tight it almost hurts… Dragging me away from the graveside as I look back to watch them lower Charlie's casket into the ground…

"Edward, stop…" I try to fight, but there isn't hardly any fight left in me… It's perhaps the weakest moment of my life.

"We're going home, you've already fainted. Enough!" Edward decides in a bitter tone.

The ride home is just as miserable as the burial…

At least the burial is over….

"When we get home… You're going to eat, you're going to shower, and then you're going to get some rest. You can spend the rest of your life hiding from everyone and everything if you choose to do so, but I'm not going to aid in this slow painful suicide you're embarking on. I refuse to watch you kill yourself." The way his lips curve so drastically, it's almost frightening… So very rarely is Edward ever this angry - to where he's growling through a clenched jaw to uphold a semblance of calm.

"I'm not going to kill myself," not intentionally anyway… I don't think…

"Bella," he shakes his head and I watch his knuckles turn white under his intense grip on the steering wheel. It makes me wonder if he wishes it were my throat. "What do you think happens to people who don't eat or sleep?" He chastises me like I'm a fucking moron.

"They become vampires," I roll my eyes at him.

"Haha, funny…" Edward groans then scoffs, hardly amused at my smart-ass remark.

"Fine, I'll eat… Even though the thought of food sickens me," I guilt - but it's the truth.

"Good," he replies sharply.

"You must hate me," I admit.

"Exactly the opposite," still his tone remains stern, cold, and bitter. It's all too apparent Edward doesn't want to be my friend today. He's acting like my… just like my… father…

By the time we pull into the driveway, I'm crying again… I hastily open the door and climb out. It isn't until I turn to slam the car door just to be spiteful that I recognize Edward has tears of his own.

.

.

_Suicide is painless…_

_What about me?_

_A survivor hurt in the wake_

_Of a selfish frenzy_

.

.

I submit to Edward's demands, without him having to make them known twice. I eat a few slices of jam covered toast before showering and changing into clean clothes. I comply with every single request and still he sits at the kitchen table running his hands over his face. In the very same position he'd put himself in since we walked in the door. Frustrated, because he probably doesn't know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with myself either…

"Are you still mad at me?" I ask in almost a whisper…

"No, never…" he softly shakes his head and dries his eyes before he shifts his gaze in my direction.

"I'm sorry," I apologize… I don't know how to cope. Losing Charlie to poor health would have been easier, understandable. This… I don't know how to feel.

"No, I'm sorry… Bella, please sit down."

My voice catches in the back of my throat and eventually bursts out unsteady and hoarse… "Okay," I sit, crying weakly. I don't know what he's about to say, but I know I can't be a wife right now. I don't want to be anything, my own breathing pains my chest.

"I gave Charlie his gun…" Rolls off his tongue as fluid and simply as stating, I handed him his morning paper.

"You what?" I growl. My legs stiffen and I find myself pulling up from my seat without even really meaning to. How could I possibly sit?

_I gave Charlie his gun… _

_No! No! I don't believe it! _

"It was going to come out eventually, he couldn't get upstairs on his own… I wanted you to hear it from me first," he begins to sob and does the ugliest cry I've ever seen.

"Edward, why? Why? Why! Why!" I'm shouting; shouting until he responds. I'd shake him if I trusted myself to lay my hands on him…

"I didn't know he'd go and shoot himself. I didn't even think it was a possibility, he could hardly aim a spoon in his mouth…" Edward tries to rationalize, everything he's saying is true - but I still can't comprehend why he'd do such a thing… More details, little by little they seep out. He put his gun in his mouth…and I think I'm going to be sick.

"Why?" I cry out, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip until the coppery taste of blood reaches my tongue.

"He just wanted to hold it again. I believed him… Later, when I heard… gunfire. I knew…" Edward sniffles and wipes his nose onto the sleeve of his dress shirt.

"Why!" It's all I can muster, over and over… All I can comprehend is that this could have been avoided. I can't believe it. _Why? Why? Why?_

_No! I don't want to believe it_… _It's a fucking horrid nightmare. Why won't anyone wake me up? _

"I don't know why Bella! I tell you I accidentally assisted in your father's suicide and you don't think I'm not riddled with guilt? That I haven't replayed every second prior to placing the gun in his lap? Looking for the clues that I missed but should have seen. There were none, he was fine… None of us could have predicted…"

"You handed a miserable man a gun, what did you think would happen?" I beg for answers - blinded by tears.

"He wasn't miserable…"

"Ha! Fuck you for not being able to see how miserable he was!" I scream and shove the table forward locking Edward tightly in his seat against the wall...

"Bella," Edward cries…

"He was a fucking cripple… Tell me you wouldn't be miserable if you lost your legs right here, right now…" His silence infuriates me… "Come on, tell me!" I goad.

"I don't know…" he replies simply and starts to ease the table away from him.

"I fucking hate you!" Malice laces my tone…

.

.

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,

Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

.

.

I'd storm out, but I have nowhere to go… Nowhere to be. Nothing to do. I simply exist. I lock myself in our bedroom and slide down the wall into a puddle of mush… Emotions are running so high. It would be too easy to do something I might regret. Slit my wrists, swallow a few handfuls of pills, take the easy way out and follow Charlie's great fucking example…. Everything is so wrong and completely fucked up beyond repair.

"Bella," Edward bangs on the door in a frenzy immediately after rattling the knob and realizing it's locked.

"Go away," I cry…

"It's my house too, open the fucking door!" He spats in anger, his tone so raw and devoid of any other emotion - it's almost frightening… "Now! I swear to God Bella, you've got two seconds before I kick it in…" I unlock the door and step away quickly, only because his tone swears he isn't bluffing…

He enters and paces near the door without reason or purpose. Like a lion, doing it purely to claim his territory… I turn to step away, unwilling to continue to watch him gloat about being allowed in _his_ space…

I start slamming drawers as I retrieve small handfuls of clothing and pile them out on the bed. I don't know where I'm going, but I can't stay here. I have to get out of _our _house.

"What are you doing?"

"Leaving," I spat - wiping away cold tears from my cheeks.

"Bella, where are you going to go?" His tone shifts to that of a friend trying to talk me down from a very high ledge. I almost laugh at the lunacy of it… He did this, he put me here and now his tone holds promise to catch me if I fall… It's all so fucked up…

"Anywhere," I snap back. He catches my arm and I slap him hard… Hard enough for my hand to burn. Hard enough to leave a bright red imprint of four fingers spread across his cheek and lower jaw… Time has frozen, I can't believe what I've just done. By the look on his face I'm not sure he believes it either.

When time catches up after the initial shock wears off, consequence comes quickly in the form of Edward gripping me by upper arms and shaking the hell out of me. He eases up on the intensity once my back meets the wall. My head rattles against the wall twice and I wince, uncertain of how one moment can lead to the next…

His lips meet mine and my eyes open wide, wider than they've been in days. A mix of desperation and panic washes over his face, while his mouth pleads for me to return a gesture I can't fathom. My lips remain sealed in a tight rigid line, long before his tongue brushes over them.

Abruptly he throws me back, releasing me. Again time has frozen, I find myself braced against the wall with my arms up, my palms open and at even level with my head.

Frozen in fear…

A dark object, blurred by tears; whizzes by in Edward's hand.

"I'll put this gun in my mouth right now… If you can pull the trigger? Can you?" I wipe my eyes to see Edward is really waving a gun around…

Not just any gun…

Charlie's gun; still bearing the evidence log tag.

.

.

Death is a punishment to some,

to others a gift, and to many a favor.

.

.

"You know what, fuck it!" He raises his right arm and points the barrel of the gun to his temple.

I'm suffocating. I want to wince and shy away, pretend this isn't happening. Like a bad train wreck I can't possibly look away. Edward is going to kill himself before my very eyes and I don't know how much time I have, but I don't know what to do. So many thoughts roll around in my head; and nothing… The fear that he's waiting on me to utter one word and he'll do it. I don't know what is or isn't appropriate…

"Please…" hums from my lips in a near whisper. Only then do I realize how horribly my limbs are trembling. I force my eyes to close tight and wait for the blast, but it doesn't come.

"It isn't loaded," is his reply… It takes a few minutes for his words to completely register and the anger and fire ensues, engulfing any and every rational thought that remains.

My response comes swift… Kneeing him in the groin, he pretty much hands over the gun. I want to smash him in the head with it for being such an asshole - but just holding it makes me feel so fucking dirty.

"You're such a fucking asshole!" I throw the gun onto the bed and proceed to smack him over and over in a very emotional, weak, and girly fashion. I'm breathing so hard my ears start ringing.

"Bella," he reaches out and tries to subdue me…

"What are you trying to do to me?" I'm running out of steam but manage to smack him a few more times just for good measure. No amount of abuse seems like it will ever be enough… The fear that he may retaliate and hit me back doesn't even exist - I don't care…

"Face your fears and then they don't seem as scary anymore. Don't you understand? I can't let you leave… You'll realize you don't need me and God knows I need you. Are you listening to me, I need you!" He shouts and his hands keep trying to reach me, but I repeatedly brush him away with countless slaps.

"You made me feel like a fool…and you made me touch his gun, the gun he…" I cover my hand with my mouth; once the anger subsides I can feel the warmth of tears forming in the corner of my eyes again. My stomach is doing flip flops, churning into the biggest ball of painful knots… _Do not let him see you cry…_

"Look at me… Please, I can't imagine my life without you in it."

"I almost told you to shoot me first… But, but…Fuck! It's all just a sick fucking game to you!" I can no longer control the tears, emotion spills over like a tidal wave. Why is he doing this to me?

"If you leave, I may as well buy some bullets..."

"I can't believe you're threatening me with suicide… If anyone deserves to die to avoid the pain of their fucked up life, it's me! Me! Me! ME!" I rant like a princess who isn't getting her way, minus the stomping. Only taking a time out to wipe my eyes and nose dry again.

"I said until death do us part; but if you want to walk out, fine…" I huff at his bitter but eerily calm reply…

"This reverse psychology bullshit or whatever the fuck you're doing isn't going to work…"

"If you truly have your heart set on leaving, I don't expect it would," he shakes his head softly and has finally settled on keeping his hands to himself.

Again, I realize… I have nowhere to go. Nothing to be. Nothing keeping me chained to a world in which I feel I should no longer exist…

.

.

_I hate myself,_

_And I want to die._

.

.

I manage to creep under their radar for nearly four more days before I find myself 5150'd and escorted out of the home by my fathers fellow officers. I refuse to go quietly and create an awful scene. Neighbors come out to view the commotion and it's apparent that everyone now knows without a doubt that I'm bat shit crazy. To be forever labeled; Bella the crazy girl… Except today I no longer have my father here to defend me.

Locked within the barren white walls of a stale hospital room. No shoes - unless I want to give them my laces. I don't give a fuck…

When left to my own devices, I laugh at the insanity of it all. The linens are so thin I could make a noose by shredding them with my hands…. Perhaps hang myself off the industrial strength curtain rod that holds up the heaviest plastic tan curtains I'd ever seen…..

But the drugs, they make me feel so drowsy…

I wake to the sound of muffled talking in the hall. I have no concept of time, aside from seeing that it's now dark outside. I'm dressed in a hospital gown and warm blue fuzzy socks, with no recollection of where my clothing went. A few minutes later food is brought in on a steel tray and I'm given a spork of all things to eat what looks like dinner… I play with the plastic instrument, wondering if anyone has ever been sporked to death. I can't believe Edward has done this to me - quickly I'm learning that I truly can't trust anyone but myself…

Just when I'm itching to scratch a vein…

The nurse comes in to retrieve my tray with a burly looking staff member decked in white, it's apparent he's come for her safety and not mine… She asks if there's something else I'd rather have when she notices I haven't touched my dinner. I shake my head and she gingerly retrieves the spork from my trembling hands…

The tray is wheeled out and just when I think I might die of boredom, a shrink comes in to visit me. It's easily recognizable by his casual business attire - the lab coat doesn't fool me… He reads over my chart aloud as I stare blankly out the window…

I don't confirm nor deny all of the things he's reading, dating all the way back to my childhood history. "When can I go home?" I ask, feigning ignorance...

"When you're well… Most people who commit or threaten suicide don't want to die, they just want to stop hurting. I want to help you. With understanding, reassurance, support, and the right mix of medication - most overcome and achieve greatness… This is just a hard bump in the road, but it won't last forever. That I can promise you…"

"Suicide seems like the easiest and fastest solution to making it stop…" I note, recanting his words of wisdom.

"Your mother and husband are very concerned about your well being. I understand you have a little sister… I had a chance to meet with them earlier, you have a beautiful family…" He reminds me.

"My mother died in a tragic car accident and my father committed suicide, I'm all the family I have left…" I laugh softly - mechanically, and shake my head.

"That's nonsense, they seem to care an awful lot about your well being…"

"They put me here," I scoff.

"They're reasonably concerned about your safety."

"I'm no safer here… You don't think I couldn't hang myself with the cord visible on the light above my bed, with my bed linens, with my hospital gown… I could take a head dive off the radiator, the desk, the bed… I'm left alone for a period long enough to scratch a vein open with a spork if I so desired during dinner… I have a morbid fascination with death and for all of the scenarios I've envisioned - I'm still here, freezing my ass off in an open gown. Taking away the comforts of home won't lessen those thoughts any…" He becomes slack jawed when he realizes this conversation isn't going anywhere he intended to lead it.

I expect to be moved into a padded cell, instead I'm given a series of antidepressants and sleep aids - the very same I'd been prescribed in the past….

Released within forty-eight hours…

.

.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism**...**

Prospect worse than being chained to an intolerable existence:

The _nightmare_ of a botched attempt to end it.

.

.

No one will ever understand how much it hurts. I lost myself the day we put my mother in the ground and I've never been whole. The pieces that remained I gave them all away and slowly I'm burying them one by one… I've never had any wealth of self importance. I should feel ashamed - but I'm too hollow.

Without them - I'm nothing.

Edward reminds me daily that he's still here… As long as his heart beats, it's mine. I don't know how to feel. The prescribed medication has rendered me incapable of any emotion. I breathe and go through the motions until it brings me sleep… An artificial peace if you will…

I can see the struggles on his face, day in and day out. Some days I have myself convinced that he's nearing his breaking point. It's only a matter of time until he leaves and then I can leave this world guilt free…

That's about the only thing I do for Edward; breathe for him…

I wake to the sound of my own voice, screaming… Feeling hopeless, like nothing can save me - even with Edward's arms wrapped around me...

.

.

Night terrors

_Manifesting fears…_

.

.

Interventions come so often, I hardly take them seriously anymore… I know I'm not well, but saying it out loud doesn't change anything.

Today is no different - at least I'm not expecting it to be.

Edward waits with me in the waiting room, but then suddenly bails out on me at the last second. Immediately I feel completely ambushed; like they're going to lead me to the back and throw me in a straight jacket… I can't comprehend why he won't come with me… I feel like a lamb being led to slaughter and he doesn't even have the balls to watch me bleed…

"Why am I here?" I ask, when I surprisingly land in Dr. Cullen's office.

"We both know why you're here… The question is; how can we go about having you leave here feeling better about yourself?" The rhetorical question…

"I don't know…" Money hasn't bought me happiness, nor pills. There's no love, just emptiness. I don't think there's much left…

"Can I speak to you as a friend, off the record?"

"Sure, give it to me straight…" I stare blankly into my lap.

"There's no hope for you… I don't know why we're all wasting our time."

"I see what you're trying to do…" More reverse psychology crap…

"I can't give you hope, dreams, or aspirations - those you have to find for yourself. Until you find a reason for living, you're just wasting time. Not only yours but that of everyone else around you…" He clicks his pen and starts closing up my files…

"I know…"

"And you don't care," he notes coldly.

"I never said I don't care," I grow defensive…

"To be blunt, it's hard to be sympathetic to your condition."

"I don't want your sympathy. If there's one thing I'm tired of receiving… That's nearing the top of my list," I admit.

"I have patients that all they want is time… Time I can't promise them, but I give them my time - sometimes as much as eighteen hours a day. Finish school and give your time to someone else." I almost laugh at his suggestion.

"I don't think I can, I was barely making grade before…"

"You can and you will," he interrupts me. I don't think he realizes what he's asking of me… The thought is daunting; an impossibility...

.

.

**~End Chapter 29 - Tortured Parting**

Thanks for dropping by!

.

.

Next chapter will be released tomorrow.


	30. Chapter 30 Tortured Existence

"**Boy next door…"**

.

.

.

**~Chapter 30 - Tortured Existence**

.

It's way too late to think of  
Someone I would call now  
And neon signs got tired  
Red eye flights help the stars out  
I'm safe in a corner  
Just hours before me

I'm waking with the roaches  
The world has surrendered  
I'm dating ancient ghosts  
The ones I made friends with  
The comfort of fireflies  
Long gone before daylight

And if I had one wishful field tonight  
I'd ask for the sun to never rise  
If God lent his voice to me to speak  
I'd say, go to bed, world

I've always been too late  
To see what's before me  
And I know nothing sweeter than  
Champagne from last new years  
Sweet music in my ears  
But a night full of no fears

But if I had one wishful field tonight  
I'd ask for the sun to never rise  
If God passed the mic to me to speak  
I'd say, stay in bed, world, sleep in peace  
(The Cardigans - 03.45 No Sleep)

.

.

.

*Several years later…*

While struggling with loss, I've learned a great deal about love. I'm so very thankful that there is a great abundance of love in my life and important people I hold dear to remind me of that day after day.

In saving others, I ended up saving myself… I also realize that not everyone can be saved - but I'm sure as hell going to try…

Not long after Charlie passed, my grandmother somewhat unexpectedly died of cancer. She didn't want to burden us I suppose and we hadn't been very close since my mother passed; a clash of personalities if you will. However with my grandmothers death I was finally able to have my mother moved out to Forks to be buried beside my father. It was a peaceful day with a picnic in the cemetery with everyone I love sitting beside me in the grass.

I applied all of my focus into my school work and somehow managed to graduate. I never thought I'd see that day. Doctor C wouldn't let me quit and even talked to some of my professors to allow me to take some of my labs under his supervision, which helped me greatly. But I couldn't have done it without Edward, he was my biggest cheerleader and still is…

We did finally build a sunroom on the driveway to connect the two houses. It didn't feel right to leave Elizabeth alone - even though we were already so close, I knew it must feel like we were a million miles away after Charlie's passing. Edward's solution became very appealing - one big house. Some days I wonder if only we had done it sooner…

I still have a hard time comprehending why or if Charlie meant to take his own life. As many times as I'd contemplated suicide… I never really grew the nerve - my cries did however grow more desperate. My view on it was that it was a means to an end. We were all going to die one day - might as well end the pain now. I can't help but wonder if Charlie had those same thoughts. I only wish I had spent more time to make him realize that he was all that mattered, burden or not - we still needed and wanted him in our lives. He was an important piece of the puzzle to our family dynamic; thrust from this world all too soon. Bless Edward, for he never gave up on me. No matter how hard I pushed or begged. For all the times I remained silent just to spite him - when he only wanted to hear my voice to remind him there was still life worth being had within the shell.

For all of my ignorance with prescription pills, I feel truly blessed to have had an angel looking over me. That could have easily been me lying in the cold ground. Instead there were bigger and better plans waiting for me…

"Are you ready to go see daddy?" Abby skates around the coffee table chomping away on a piece of watermelon flavored gum, the smell is almost nauseating.

"What did mom say about skating in the house?" Edward scolds, if there's one thing he has on his side - it's practice.

"Bella lets me skate…" She blows a giant bubble and Edward immediately pops it, hardly amused.

"Is that so?" Edward narrows his gaze on me.

"Only when mister crabby pants isn't home…" I warn, Abby grins.

"Are you guys ready?" Elizabeth comes in, purse slung over her shoulder. "Abby what did I say about wearing skates in the house…You could break something! Like your neck, or a leg…" Elizabeth justifies time and again. I can clearly see where Edward gets his overprotective sensibility from, though he'd never admit he's just like his mother…

"Or fall into Bella…" Edward scolds again. _See…_

"I'm ready - if someone will help me up," I extend my hands out and upward…

"Baby, I don't think this is such a good idea. We just went to the cemetery a few weeks ago on mother's day. The babies could come anytime now…" Edward furrows his brows. He gave me hell about going then too.

"We'll be closer to the hospital, the cemetery is on the way... I'll be fine, promise," with a heave-ho, Elizabeth and Edward successfully pull me from couch.

"You're supposed to be on bed rest," Edward grumbles… I've been on bed rest for nearly three months, Edward isn't the only pain in my ass these days.

"We'll sit under the willow when we get there," Elizabeth smiles. Being the only male in the house, Edward rarely wins an argument. Still, it never stops him from trying.

"Abby," Edward catches her by the arm when she tries to circle the couch. "Lose the skates so we can leave." She pulls off her skates and sticks out her tongue as she runs off through the sunroom to get her shoes from the other end of the house.

"What are we going to do with her?" Edward grumbles, mostly to himself.

"Let her be a kid," I shrug.

"You could be plenty annoying when you were her age," Elizabeth reminds him with a soft laugh.

"I was not!" Edward scoffs, shaking his head profusely in denial.

"Yeah, you could be annoying," I confess…

"Not you too; what is this world coming to?" Edward laughs softly.

"Female domination," I tease. We're having twins, girls.

.

.

Every woman is wrong until she cries,

and then she is right - instantly.

.

.

I have a hard time getting out of the bucket front seat of the car. I've been saying I'm as big as a house for more than a few months. The girls are kicking low in my groin and it causes me to pause time and again on our journey to the gravesite from the road.

"Baby, please…" Edward pleads.

"Just give me a minute. I'll be fine," I insist.

"Zingers again?" Elizabeth asks with mild concern, she knows… Zinger is the best word we could come up with to describe the sharp near paralyzing pains. Nothing like being kicked in the groin from the inside out…

"Yeah, they're pretty rowdy today," I nod keeping a firm hold just below my ever expanding belly. Edward keeps a tight grip at my waist; if he offers me anymore support he'd be carrying me. I've never seen him so nervous as he's been these past few months, it makes me incredibly nervous too at times.

"They want you to sit and relax, like you should be doing…" I start walking again, if only so Edward doesn't start leading me back to the car.

When we make it to the gravesite, I sit. I can hide the sharp stabbing jolts of pain from Edward easier this way. I run my fingers along the soft blades of grass and watch Abby deliver flowers along with her letter. She writes him all the time… The letters are always gone when we return and we never know what becomes of them. Taken by the wind or the groundskeepers, I'm sure. _Letters to heaven…_

I look away briefly when I start to become misty eyed, it never gets any easier when reality is staring you in the face. I wish he had waited if only to watch Abby grow… and to hold his grandbabies. At times I still think he's selfish, but my reasoning for wanting him here seem equally as such.

Abby kneels and Elizabeth watches from a few feet away. I find myself mesmerized by the few stray strands of coppery brown hair that have escaped her ponytail to blow in the breeze. Such a beautiful - smart - strong - charming - innocent young girl. Charlie would be proud. I'm amazed at her strength. At ten I was falling apart in every direction and she's solid at eight.

Maybe we shelter her a little too much at times, but so what. _Life is what you make of it. _I want her childhood to be perfect, I think that's one thing we've all agreed on. She's a little spoiled… _Okay, - so she's a princess with a tomboy streak…_

"Bella, it's your turn… Daddy wants to talk to you," Abby smiles and skips over to Edward. "Are we going to go see your dad today too?" I roll to the side and sort of shift onto my knees, I hadn't anticipated how hard it would be to get back up off the ground.

"Not today Abby, it's all the way on the other side…" Edward musters through rattled thoughts - I being his only concern today. He helps guide me back onto my feet with a short stumble forward and then I'm up! Moments like this; I feel like a tipped cow.

"Why don't you take Abby and we can meet up over here. I'm sure your mom would like to go visit too…" I note.

"And leave you here alone?" Edward's way of politely saying; not a fat chance in hell.

"Give me the car keys. Abby will send your regards, won't you Abby?" Elizabeth offers. Abby is all energy… "I will Edward!" I can't help but smile at her innocence. She knows other kids have dads, but in our family - we visit them here. Edward quickly stepped into the fatherly role, wanted or not. So she's definitely not missing out on a male figure to tell her no. With reluctance Edward finally hands over the keys to Elizabeth…

"What if you go into labor while they're gone?" Edward huffs under his breath, but intentionally loud enough so I can hear him.

"Edward, breathe and relax… Please, you're driving me crazy. If anything is going to send me into labor, it's going to be you. Even so, I won't be having these babies in the cemetery, so can you please shush and stop being so jumpy? For five minutes - let go," I plead.

"Five minutes," he repeats and I can't help but laugh at the super serious expression on his face. "Not funny… You should be at home, in bed…" he grumbles.

"Shh…" I'm two seconds away from plastering my hand over his mouth.

Edward quiets and I almost move to kneel but find my better judgment and lean heavily on Charlie's headstone. I've done this so many times, I'm running out of things to say. I used to give updates on our life…. But since Abby has become good at writing, I'm sure she covers almost everything.

Five minutes barely pass and Edward breaks the silence. "Hey old man, tell your daughter to get back home and in bed where she belongs."

"Do you never give up?" I smile with a slow shake of my head.

"Nope, never," he pops the P in nope like an adolescent. "I'll never give up on a good thing…" and with that, he leans in and brushes his lips softly against mine. "Come on, let's head back to the road…" he coaxes with an outstretched arm for me to hold onto.

I kiss my palm and brush it along each of my parents headstones… Softly whispering; _I love you…_

.

.

No pain, no grief, no anxious fear;

can reach our loved ones sleeping here…

.

.

I spend the next few days torturing Edward. He started working from home out of his father's old office, since ours is filled with everything baby… Art for some web design business Jasper has conned him into doing. I'm not thrilled, but I hide my annoyance well. Edward hasn't sold many floor plans for the architecture firm he's been working with, so I've agreed to anything to keep him from hovering over me.

Jasper and Alice are still an on again - off again thing… Neither seem to want to commit. Of course this is all news from Edward. The line of communication slipped away long ago with Alice. On some level I expected it - since high school really. She's always been social, I'm not. Some days I miss her, but I'm stubborn enough to not make the first call. I'm over the idea that she'll ever call, but it's a nice thought…

"Aaah, oh Edward…"

"Now? It's time?" I can see the wheels spinning in his head as the color drains completely from his face.

"Gotcha!" I grin - third time today.

"That's not funny… Don't you remember what happened to the little boy who cried wolf?" He inhales and exhales deeply.

"Unless you come bearing gifts of ice cream, pickles, olives, or Mexican food…"

"I can have my mom pick something up… Is there something you want?"

"Yes, I want you to stop checking on me every two minutes. I'll yell if I need anything, promise."

"And what if I can't hear you?" I hold up the baby monitor Edward has re-adjusted beside me time and time and time again… "What if…"

"I'll be fine," I interrupt him.

"Fine," he throws his hands up and backs out of the bedroom…

Twenty minutes later, just as I'm about to doze off Abby stops in for a visit. No doubt Edward has sent her… "I have to read to someone, a chapter for school. Can I read to you?" She asks, innocent enough…

"Sure," I pat the bed beside me. "Scoot on up so I can see what we're reading."

"It's for science, we're learning about butterflies." She muses aloud with a smile as she slowly flips through the large text book to find the chapter she intends to read. I brush the hair from her eyes and listen to her small voice, soft and smooth - she reads very fluently…

I wake to find Edward laying on his side watching the rise and fall of my breathing…"Did you have a nice nap?" He inquires with a smile.

"How long was I out for?" I ask in wonder, Abby nowhere to be found…

"About an hour, Abby said you didn't make it past page three. She thinks you think butterflies are boring," he laughs softly.

"Maybe just a little…" I tease as I dig my elbows deep into the mattress in an attempt to raise myself. Until I'm caught completely off-guard by the sharp pains vibrating through my lower back…

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know, maybe I slept funny…" With Edward's assistance I roll to my side and swing my legs over the side of the bed. "Go slow," the pain is so strong I'm not sure I want to sit up…

"Better?" He rubs his hand along the base of my spine and just when I think I've found some relief, the stabbing pain returns…

"Edward, I think it's time…" After staring at me blankly for what feels like forever, he leaps from my side and starts running around like a chicken with its head cut off - screaming for Elizabeth and Abby to come. By the time he spins to face me, all of the color has completely drained from his face…

Thank God for Elizabeth… She starts loading the car, while I listen to Edward vomit over and over and over again. You'd swear he was the one going into labor…

.

.

_I think…_

_I can do this…_

_Maybe…_

.

.

"Doctor Masen," the head nurse Jill greets me with surprise in her tone. I'm not due for a few more weeks, but it's not uncommon to go into labor early. As of two days ago - the girls are considered full term as far as twins go, so I'm not too concerned. Aside from a few uncomfortable contractions, I'm actually coping quite well… It's Edward I'm worried about. He throws up in the hall two seconds after my water breaks…

They set me up in a room on the maternity floor and Elizabeth handles the paperwork since Edward is incapable while a few nurses help me undress and get into a hospital gown. Edward has taken over the bathroom connected to my room, he's all I can think about. I ask the nurses to check on him and move a chair closer to my bedside for him. Afraid he might faint with the gruesome color of his skin, very pale with a blue-green tint - while his lips are so red they're almost purple.

"So today is the day," Doctor Cullen announces with a smile as he looks over my chart. "We're going to do an ultrasound to see what position the babies are in and then we'll take it from there."

They note baby A is in position and they think baby B will drop accordingly. Before he checks to see how far dilated I am, he asks if I want everyone in the room… I offer a small shake and allow Elizabeth to decide if she wants Abby to be in the room. Thus far she's been so quiet off in the corner, I had forgotten about her until he asked.

Abby tells Elizabeth she wants to stay and it looks like my birthing plan has gone out the window. Initially we had decided it would be only Edward and I, however it wouldn't surprise me if he ended up in the waiting room or in a patient bed… He looks so terrible, my contractions seem to dull in comparison to the completely nauseated expression on his face.

"We're almost there," Doctor C rubs my knee after getting me and the babies hooked up to the heart monitors. Only then does Edward move in to offer any type of support. We've known Doctor Cullen nearly our whole lives, but I could tell that small act of reassurance made Edward uncomfortable. I shift forward to allow Edward to rub my lower back where it pinches the worst… Sharp stabbing pains that come and go.

"You're doing great," Edward reassures me… I only wish I could say the same for him. Elizabeth hands me the clipboard so I can sign off on the paperwork, the nurse then whisks it from my hands so I can try to relax - but the pains are steadily growing and I feel like maybe I'm close, or at least I'm hoping I am. I ask Doctor C to check me again, even though it's only been maybe fifteen minutes…

The nurse looks at the paper tape and notes my contractions are getting stronger…

Doctor C notes it's almost time and gets me back into the stirrups, he warns me to be ready to push… The pains are becoming excruciating and I'm not sure I can follow through with my plan for a natural childbirth, but I'm sure I'm past the point of asking for drugs now anyway… Essentially screwing myself into following through with my original plan.

I try not to scream when it feels like I've been placed on a bed of nails and stomped upon, the zingers in my groin have grown beyond any rational comparison… I literally feel like the babies are trying to claw their way out and I'm not sure how much more I can take in near silence. My brave face for Edward and Abby is wearing thin…

.

.

_Birth is definitely a miracle._

_Exchanging nothing for the possibility of everything… _

.

.

Nearly two hours later…

"It's still a girl," Doctor C quips, since Edward kept asking about the accuracy of the ultrasounds at nearly every appointment. I almost don't hear him over the sound of my own tired wailing grunts and screams.

Baby A - Faith Rose is born at eight-fifty-two, weighing in at five pounds and four ounces, eighteen inches.

"Also still a girl," he turns her upside down to get her to cry and the sound of her wailing has my heart nearly beating out of my chest.

Baby B - Grace Iris is born at nine-twelve, weighing in at five pounds and six ounces, eighteen inches.

"Beautiful healthy girls," Doctor C notes after checking on the progress the nurses were making in getting them cleaned up. "I'll let you hold them after we finish up here…" he smiles.

Once Edward saw the girls and heard we were all going to be okay, the color started coming back to his face. That was until the birthing of the placenta… He went down faster than a pile of bricks, the fast footing of a nurse saved him from smacking his head good on the tile floor…

"He's such a baby," Abby pipes up - that being the first thing she's said in hours… "Now Bella has three babies," she giggles. Nurses tend to Edward as Doctor C finishes. I get to hold my girls just as Edward starts to come to…

Staring at their tiny little faces for the first time… I knew they were identical, I just hadn't imagined how hard it would be to tell them apart. Already I had to check their wrist bands to know who was whom… Happy tears start rolling. I can't believe how perfect they are.

They were two days old when I painted their tiny little toes for the first time, Faith's pink and Grace's a pale purple… In preparation to take them home, where I was sure Edward would only add to the confusion of getting the girls mixed up.

By day three we were ready to go home. Edward didn't approve of me bringing them down to the children's unit, but I'd promised them they'd get to see the babies before I went on leave if they were still in our care after I'd delivered. He mumbled about germs and illness as we took the elevator down…

For all the bitching, nagging, and moaning on our way out of the hospital… Edward leans over and grabs my hand, assuring me that everything is going to be alright.

At this stage in the game, I have enough confidence and hope to believe that we can make it through anything…

.

.

The one my heart and soul confides in,

the person I feel the safest with,

my best friend...

.

.

After my maternity leave is up, I feel compelled to go back to work - but find myself miserable. For time isn't the existence I thought it once was; it's by far more precious and fleeting than anything on this earth…

Doctor C understands completely. While I struggle with the guilt of leaving him understaffed and wasting an expensive education, I don't want to miss a day with my girls…

They sleep far more than I'd ever anticipated. Elizabeth is always hounding me to leave them be… I don't know if it's simply instinct or first time mother jitters that keep me near, but I'm so completely drawn to them… I can't tell if Edward thinks I'm being ridiculous or not. He laughs when his mother starts harping, but has watched me watch our babes sleep plenty of times completely unperturbed.

There's nothing sexier than a man rocking two babies; our babies. Edward isn't taking medication anymore, not that he needs it… He still does and says stupid shit quite often, but I blame that on him having a penis. I'm currently taking a mild anti-depressant as a precaution to ward off post partum depression… I feel great, more alive than I've ever been. I have a beautiful, healthy, mostly happy, somewhat dysfunctional family, and they're all I'll ever need.

.

.

All I ever wanted - was a family…

Yet it was I who fought our co-existence…

nearly every single step of the way,

and I only had to walk next door…

.

.

I'm wiping down counters as Abby proudly shows off her babysitting certification, a class she took along with her fellow girl scouts…

"Now I can baby-sit…"

"I'll think about it Abby," I note, unprepared for this day…

"You sound like Edward," gah - she knows how to hit me below the belt!

"How are your rates, cheap?" I tease her.

"I'll watch them for five dollars an hour. Mrs. Anderson already hired me to be her mothers helper…" Ah, the pressure…

"I'll talk to Edward about it," I try to shake her off and continue wiping around the sink.

"But, but.. .he always says no," she pouts.

"You know I don't like being caught in the middle Abby," I remind her.

"I know," she pouts in silence for a little while longer before darting toward the other end of the house.

A few minutes later and my heart is racing as I nearly jump through the roof at the quick tickling prod into my sides… "When did you get home?" I smack Edward with the kitchen rag for the scare…

"Investor meeting ended early," he smiles.

"That's good news?" I inquire and leave the dishrag at the sink.

"Very good news," he grins. "Where are the girls?"

"Next door playing with Bradley and Zachary," I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him in for a kiss…

"I hope they're being watched closely…" Except his lips keep moving…

"Of course Edward," I laugh… "The boys are only five and six…" I remind him that they're innocent little boys, not the monsters he's made up in his head.

"Well our girls are only four, shouldn't they be playing with others - I don't know; more age appropriate? Other girls even…"

"They'll be five in a few months…"

"I swear your father is laughing at me, if this isn't karma I don't know what is…"

"Yes, and you sound exactly like him too," I laugh. "Oh, Abby got her babysitting certification today. She's hounding me to watch the girls, I said I'd talk to you about it."

"Ah, you want me to be the bad guy and tell her no? Actually," Edward slips from my hands and starts yelling for Abby across the living room. A few moments later and Abby comes running through the sunroom…

"Did you talk to him?" She looks around Edward and sets her sights on me..

"I tried," not having the faintest idea what Edward is up to…

"The girls are next door, I'll pay you three dollars an hour to keep an eye on them."

"Three? Pfft…" Abby wrinkles her nose…

"Fine, four…" Edward tries to bargain.

"Five," Abby spits out boldly and sticks out her hand palm up…

"Alright then," he swats her hand away… "I'll pay you later."

"Edward," she grumbles…

"Do you want the job or not?" He laughs at her oh so serious business expression. Personally, I think she's a very smart girl for wanting the payment upfront.

"Whatever," is her reply. She says that too often these days… However, she waltzes out the door in the direction of the Mitchell house.

"I can't believe you did that," I laugh softly at the insanity of it.

"Well believe it. I know what boys are like…"

"Mhmm…" I fail to humor him…

"I can't reason with you on this?"

"The boys live next door… We can't shelter them forever," I reason with him in the exact same way my mother tried to appease my fathers wishes. If Charlie had a say, I'd probably still be locked up in my old childhood bedroom…

"Yeah, well… there's always the possibility of them moving," he hopes…

"Moving into our family tree," I tease. He wastes little time in retaliating by smacking my ass hard.

The more things change, the more they stay the same - and the apple certainly doesn't fall far from the tree…

.

.

**~End Chapter 30 - Tortured Existence**

Thanks for dropping by!

.

.

Next chapter to be released on the 27th.


	31. Taste of a Sequel

"**Boys next door…"**

.

.

.

* * *

**Taste of a Sequel**

* * *

.

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go  
Gonna tell you how much I love you  
Though you think you already know  
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm  
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born

You're beautiful baby from the outside in  
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again  
Go on, take on this whole world  
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone  
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown  
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You" in the moonlight at your door  
As I walk away, I hear you say, "Daddy Love You More"

You're beautiful baby from the outside in  
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again  
Go on, take on this whole world  
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand  
But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know,  
He's the half that makes you whole,  
He has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man  
I know he'll say that he's in love  
But between you and me  
He won't be good enough

You're beautiful baby from the outside in  
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again  
Go on, take on this whole world  
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl  
(Tim McGraw - My Little Girl)

.

.

.

I run my hand through my thinning hair… While it certainly doesn't feel like it's almost been twenty five years; that would be an obvious tell tale sign. Along with the splashes of gray. Bella insists that I look distinguished - not old. I'm not that old…

"Dad, can I have forty bucks?" Faith holds out her hand, it's more of a demand than a request. My girls make me feel old. I can't believe I'm the father of seventeen year old girls. Where has the time gone? I could remember toothless grins at seven like it were only yesterday. The past decade has just vanished in the blink of an eye.

"Didn't your mother just give you money yesterday?" I groan and silently count to ten in my head… Of course if I snapped, it most certainly wouldn't be the first time…

"Yeah, so…?" Faith shrugs.

"So…Get a job," I note gleefully with a smile. "You're old enough."

"What happened to school being what's most important?"

"That too…" I nod and continue clicking away with the mouse. "What do you think your mother would like for our twenty-fifth anniversary?"

"It'll cost you twenty…" That palm passes into my line of vision again. Reluctantly I reach for my wallet and hold the bill just out of reach…

"A new vacuum, she complained it broke or was clogged again yesterday." She reaches for the twenty fast, but I'm still faster…

"Dad!" She squeals and I let out a short laugh… "Get out of here, I'm busy…" I consider taking Bella on that honeymoon we never had. Come to think of it we haven't traveled anywhere really since having the girls… I'm certainly not about to start now.

"Dad, can I…?" I peer over my shoulder to see Grace coming in, more than likely with a similar request and I quickly cut her off before she can finish. "Whatever it is, no."

"But dad…" She whines… That hasn't stopped since they were four…

"No, get out of here… Wait! Put some clothes on! How many times do we have to tell you…" I feel like broken record.

"Its what's in," she chimes like it's an acceptable excuse to be flashing bare curves. It's easier to pretend they don't exist if I'm not reminded each time they pass my line of vision in skimpy threads… _Did my money buy that, really?_

"I don't care, change. Or I suppose we'll move to Alaska where long johns are fashionable…" That one leaves in a huff too…

"Honey," Bella calls. I quickly close out the web browser and spin around in my chair to give her my full attention. Even then she claims I don't listen half the time… I'm a man, don't expect me to remember specifics about things I never wanted to know in the first place. Be glad that I vaguely remember some of the more important details… especially when it comes to _girl stuff_. I'd have been content keeping most of that stuff a mystery…

"Not you too?" I laugh softly…

"You already talked to them?"

"Yes, both of them. You didn't give them anymore money did you?" I inquire.

"No - no," she shakes her head. "Did you say they could go camping with the Mitchells?"

"Hell no!"

"Well, they're packing…"

"What? No!… Faith, Grace - get your asses in here pronto!" I shout at the top of my lungs, which happens on a daily basis, sometimes more than once. Being a father is a hell of a lot harder and definitely less glamorous than I'd ever envisioned. I don't know why I thought things would be different and that history wouldn't repeat itself. I suppose on some level I thought by being a better father, none of this shit would happen - at least not to me.

The girls enter and immediately start squabbling and hanging onto Bella for her to reason with me. I raise a hand to my head because already my head is pounding at the mere thought of the girls going anywhere with Brad and Zach… I don't like their parents either; they approve of it - whatever _this_ is…

"No! Didn't I tell you to put some clothes on?" I can feel that large vein protruding from my forehead, _throb-throb-throb_… Immediately Bella insists the girls change and reminds them dinner will be ready in an hour… They leave, still squabbling and whining… Faith is the ring leader and Grace is the follower, which is fitting considering that's exactly how they came into this world. Without a doubt I know if it weren't for Faith pushing boundaries - Grace would fall in line.

"That's it, we're moving to Alaska…" I throw my hands up and spin around in my office chair…

"Edward," Bella chides - sinking her glorious fingers into my shoulders to rub the tension away…

.

.

.

After dinner, the girls go out… I watch them leave from the living room window with a perfectly painted scowl. I give the boys the evil eye and motion with my fingers that I've got my eyes on them…

"Trouble…" That's what they are. Because of them; our girls are so… not goal oriented. Unless you count making up and breaking up with the idiots next door - like it's a sport.

"Hm? Did you say something?" Bella tilts her head in my direction and briefly stops her knitting project…

"Why do we let them go out with…. That kind of boy…" I growl and huff, mostly to myself… It seems to fall on deaf ears with Bella. She's always romanticizing our history - and somehow thinks that the girls will end up just like us… Which I can't say is a bad thing, but is it wrong that I want more for our girls? I have yet to relay that to Bella without coming across as a dick. The last time I tried, I ended up sleeping on the couch for two days… _Two days!_

"Edward, be real… There isn't a boy in this town that you'd actually consider allowing either of the girls to date…" She shakes her head softly and resumes her needlework…

"Well see, there's a good reason for that. While you keep saying boys will be boys, I once was a boy… and I'm too young to be a grandfather." I close the curtain and move to sit in my chair, my scowl still eminent…

"The girls are gone, let's go upstairs…" Bella tilts her head in the direction of the staircase and leans forward to rest the mess of yarn and needles on the coffee table…

"Are you serious? I can't," I groan…

"Since when?" She laughs softly and pats my knee for me to get up…

.

.

.

**A/N - I had so much fun with Boy Next Door that I'm up for writing a sequel; Boys Next Door! We'll get to see an older, more mature Bella and Edward. Plus an inside view on all of the characters now that they're grown from Edward's POV. All of the original characters will make an appearance along with a few new ones.**

**I need a break from writing this story and want to wrap up a few of my other pieces before the sequel will post. It's been a great two years and I can't thank you all enough for your continued support!**

**THANK YOU!**

**Rather than goodbye - this is where we say, see you soon!**


End file.
